AWAKENING
by Katie4863
Summary: Work-a-holic bachelor has a six year old son he didn't know about dropped at his doorstep. Can he grow to love the child and change his priorities with the help of a friendly, concerned and experienced with children brunette?
1. Chapter 1

_**Baltimore (Some time in the past)**_

He spotted her at the corner table before the hostess had a chance to assist him. He could tell she was fuming and pushed past the young woman without giving her a chance to assist him. He made his way to the back of the restaurant and took a seat in the chair directly across from her, offering an apologetic smile that she dismissed quickly with her angry eyes.

"You're over an hour late Jack." She complained.

"I know, I'm sorry, I lost track of time. I guess they got tired of waiting?" He apologized.

"Of course they did Jack. They had to hire a sitter for their three year old, they made plans to be here at seven so that we would have time to enjoy a leisurely dinner before the show, but once again, you managed to spoil the evening for everyone." She spat angrily.

"Look, I'm sorry. Tell your brother I'm sorry and that I'll reimburse him for his wasted tickets." Jack offered.

"Oh they went to the show Jack, they just went hungry. What is wrong with you? Is it really so difficult for you to use that watch you wear on your wrist?" She asked.

"I was with a patient." He said.

"You're always with a patient Jack." She snapped.

"I'm a doctor Carrie, my patients have to come first. You know that or at least you should by now. So are you hungry? Do you want to try to salvage what's left of the evening?" He asked calmly, not willing to fight with her about his work habits.

"No thanks, I've lost my appetite." She continued to pout.

"Fine, come on, I'll drive you home." He said, tired and not in the mood to defend what was probably indefensible, but not something he was willing to change about himself.

He walked her to the front door of her apartment and stood by patiently while she searched through her purse for her keys, finally retrieving them and unlocking the door. He watched her step inside the open door, leaned in and kissed her softly on the mouth.

"I'm really sorry Carrie and I'd suggest you make plans for us do something so I could make it up to you, but odds are I'd just screw that up as well so maybe it would best if we just didn't see each other anymore." He suggested.

"You're dumping me because I got angry with you for ruining our plans……again?" She asked, hurt that he could turn his back on her so easily.

"No, I just think you'd be happier with a man that could be counted on to make dinner dates and concerts and I'm not that guy and never will be." Jack told her.

"You don't try to be that guy Jack." She accused.

"That's right I don't. I am what I am and I'm not going to keep apologizing for that. It's exhausting." He sighed.

"Look Jack, I'm sorry I got so angry with you, but I really wanted my brother to meet you and tonight was kind of special." Carrie told him.

"Why was it special?" Jack asked suddenly feeling guilty for whatever it was he had obviously forgotten.

"It's my birthday Jack." She reminded him.

"Shit, that's right. I had this really great present in mind and I just…..see this is why we need to stop seeing each other. You deserve a guy who will remember your birthday." Jack said softly.

His sincerely regretful face and sad, watery eyes melting her the way they always could were getting to her and she wondered if he knew how irresistible he was, if he used his natural charm and good looks to make women swoon and forgive every awful thing he does or if he really was clueless and just being Jack. She gave up trying to be mad at him and took hold of his hand.

"Come inside, I'll make us some sandwiches." She sighed and pulled him into the apartment with her.

She lay beneath him as he emptied the last of himself into her, their bodies covered with sweat and her starting to come down from the incredible high he'd just taken her to. He was an extremely passionate lover, the things that distracted him so much he could never be on time for anything never managing to distract him in the bedroom. She loved these moments the most because when he was making love to her he was focused solely on her and pleasing her and it was the only time she felt like she had his full attention. She wished that the man she knew in bed was the same man she wanted to build a relationship with everywhere else, but he wasn't and according to him never would be.

They separated, talked for a few minutes and then he slept; his mind and body pushed to their limits, both too exhausted to continue on, but neither shutting down for very long. Four hours later he was awake and attempting to dress without waking her, feeling around in the dark for the clothes she'd peeled off of him on their way to the bed. She was incredibly sexy to him and could make him forget about everything else in his life when they were hungrily going after one another, but he wasn't in love, a man that was in love would never be as busy and forgetful as he allowed himself to be would he?

He managed to dress without waking her. He sat on the bed and kissed her gently, waking her and then making her groan against the absurdly early hour in which he'd chosen to wake her.

"I've got an early surgery so I'm going to let myself out. I'll call you later." He said.

"No you won't. I'll call you this afternoon." She mumbled, kissed him quickly and rolled onto her stomach.

Jack's day went as it typically did, busy with an impossible case load that had him either diagnosing new patients, performing surgery or checking on those patients in the process of healing all while being available to any emergency that required his expertise. Jack loved what he did though, the only drawback being that he seemed to disappoint people that didn't want or need him to be their doctor, but their friend or lover, the unanswered voice mails and text messages from the woman he'd woken up next to that morning a prime example of how distracted with his work he could become. He was in the middle of a difficult consult and could feel the phone vibrating against his leg again and became irritated, excusing himself and stepping out into the hallway. He looked at the name of the caller, sighed heavily and took the call.

"Carrie, I can't talk right now." He said, his tone flat as he tried to mask his aggravation.

"Are you coming by later?" She asked.

"I don't know, let me finish what I'm doing and I'll call you back." He answered and clicked the phone off without giving her a chance to respond and without saying goodbye.

Carrie looked at the phone and then dropped it back into her purse, looking across the table at the friend she was sharing a drink with.

"Why do you put up with that asshole?" The friend asked.

"Because he's really not an asshole, he's actually very sweet, he's just a workaholic." Carrie defended him.

"Really? When was the last time he took you some place other to than to bed?" The friend asked.

"That's not fair Allison, he takes me places. As a matter of fact we are planning a trip to Tahoe over Christmas." Carrie argued.

"Are you sure about that Carrie? I mean he may be nodding his head in October, but what are the odds that it will really happen? The guy forgot your birthday and hasn't bothered to send flowers or anything today to show that he really feels bad about that. I'm sorry, I know you really like this guy, but I don't think he's the one sweetie." Allison told her.

Carrie didn't respond. She knew her friend was right and that she needed to find out exactly where she stood with Jack, but getting him to focus long enough to pry an answer out of him would be difficult. Her phone rang and snapped her out of her thoughts. She saw that it was Jack and shot a satisfied grin at her friend.

"Hey." She said.

"Hey, sorry about that." He said.

"It's okay, I was just wondering if you wanted to come over tonight. I bought something today that I think you'll really like." She told him in a sexy, teasing fashion.

"You did huh? Is it something I get to take off of you?" He asked in the same sexy, teasing fashion.

"Maybe, but you have to buy me dinner first because we need to talk." She bargained and even though she couldn't see him, she could tell his mood and facial expression had changed.

"I can't Carrie, I'm buried in patient files and will be stuck in my office all night, how about this weekend?" He asked.

"Sure, that'll be fine." She agreed and hung up without nailing him down to a time or day.

"Too busy to take you to dinner?" Allison asked.

"Apparently, but that's okay, I'll just take dinner to him." Carrie said.

Jack sat behind his desk pouring through his patient files, making notes and attempting to make sense of the electronic calendar his new secretary had set up for him. He heard the light knock on the door and then smiled lightly when he saw her enter the room.

"Hey, how'd you get in here?" Jack asked.

"I promised the security guard sexual favors." Carrie teased.

"I think I should be flattered that a woman would make such a huge sacrifice just to see me." Jack chuckled.

"It's not so huge. I mean he is kind of cute in a backwoods serial killer kind of way." She told him and winked.

"So, to what do I owe the pleasure?" He asked, dropping his pen, leaning back in his chair and doing his best to give her his full attention.

"Since you couldn't take me to dinner, I brought dinner to you." She told him, watching him chew lightly on his bottom lip knowing he was about to piss her off.

"That was really thoughtful Carrie and I appreciate it, but I've already eaten. I grabbed a meal across the street with a couple of my colleagues earlier." Jack admitted.

"So you had time to eat with your doctor friends, but not with me?" Carrie accused.

"No, it's not like that Carrie. It was close and we ducked out for about 45 minutes and had a quick meal, that's all." Jack explained.

"God you are a thoughtless, almost heartless bastard sometimes." Carrie seethed as she fought back the tears that were threatening to escape.

"Carrie, please don't be upset or take it personally, I really did just step out for less than an hour to eat and I've been in here since. I swear." Jack pleaded with her, not overly concerned that she was angry, but hated the idea that he'd hurt her and that she was about to cry.

"What is this Jack?" Carrie asked.

"What is what?" He asked.

"What is this thing between us because I'm starting to feel like nothing more than just a convenient piece of ass." She told him and lost the battle, allowing a tear to steam down her cheek.

God he hated it when women cried, hated that he could do that to them without really being sure how or why it was happening, but knowing that he was the cause of the tears. He moved from behind his desk and approached her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into his chest.

"See Carrie this is why we should've agreed not to see each other anymore because I didn't want to hurt you, but apparently I have." Jack said.

"Is it really that simple for you Jack? Can you really just walk away? Do I mean so little to you after five months of letting you fuck my brains out?" She yelled and pulled away from his embrace.

'"So all this time you have just been letting me fuck you? Would that have been before or after I had to pry your mouth off of my dick?" He spat back angrily and got slapped hard.

"How can you be like this Jack? How can you cruise through life with nobody to love or love you back?" She asked.

"I cruise through life just fine Carrie." Jack answered and sighed heavily.

"So I guess the plans for Tahoe for Christmas were just your way of appeasing me for now. You were never going to leave this place for four days were you?" She accused.

"I'm sorry Carrie, but I can't feel things I don't feel and you seem to want more from me than I can give at the moment." Jack answered, not bothering to deny that Tahoe most likely never would've happened.

"Okay Jack, but just be honest with me. Will you ever be able to give me more than what you're giving me now? Will you ever love me Jack?" She asked.

"Carrie, I don't know how to answer that. The longest relationship I've ever had lasted about ten months and I couldn't tell you if I was in love, but I'm guessing I wasn't because I packed my bags and left and never looked back. I just don't connect with people on that intense of an emotional level." Jack told her and sat on the edge of his desk.

He wasn't feeding her a line, he was serious, he really had no idea if he was capable of feeling a very basic human emotion and he looked so confused and regretful that she wanted to wrap him up in a hug and promise him everything would be okay, but resisted.

"That's ridiculous Jack. You're one of the kindest people I know, you instinctively love and care about people. I think you just shut down and refuse to be loved and refuse to acknowledge how good that feels so that you won't miss it when it's gone." Carrie said sadly.

"Spare me the dime store psychology. I'm in love with my work Carrie and it doesn't get any more complicated than that. I could walk away from you tonight with my only regret being that I had managed to hurt you in some manner, but I could never walk away from medicine. I'm sorry, that's who I am and most likely all I'll ever be able to offer to you." Jack explained delivering the final blow to their already fragile relationship.

"I feel sorry for you Jack Shephard. You're going to wake up one day and realize just how alone you are." Carrie said.

"I'm sorry Carrie, I never meant to hurt you. Come on I'll walk you to your car." Jack said.

"No thanks Jack I can get there just fine on my own. My friends kept telling me that I was wasting my time with you, that you were just using me for sex." Carrie accused.

"I wasn't using you for sex. You act like you weren't a willing participant. What is it with women? Why does fucking have to equal true love? Did you not want it Carrie? Did you think that letting me into your pants was the quickest way to get me to propose so you just pretended?" Jack defended himself, frustrated with the conversation.

"Of course not Jack, I guess I had just hoped that we were more than just friends with benefits." Carrie said.

"Did I ever give you any reason to believe we were more than that?" Jack asked wishing he could take it back as soon as he said it.

"Go to hell Jack." Carrie spat and slammed out of his office.

_**Present Day - Los Angeles**_

"Did you hear a word that I said Dr. Shephard?" The woman sitting on the other side of his desk asked.

"I'm sorry, what?" Jack asked, pulling himself back from his memories.

"Do you remember a woman named Carrie Jansen or not?" She asked.

"Yes, I worked out of Johns Hopkins about seven years ago and we dated for awhile. Why?" Jack asked.

"She died a little over a week ago and she made some very specific arrangements for you to have something." The woman told him.

"She died? What happened?" Jack asked.

"Cancer." The woman said and handed him an envelope.

"You flew all the way from Baltimore to bring me a letter?" Jack asked.

"No, there's more than just the letter, but I thought I'd let you read the letter before we talk about why I'm here.." She said.

"I'm sorry, who are you again?" Jack asked starting to realize something potentially serious was going on.

"I'm Amanda Greggart, I'm an attorney and I was also a close friend of Carrie's. You should read the letter and then we'll talk." She told him.

"No, I'm too busy to play games, just tell me why you are here." Jack demanded.

The woman looked at him, could see the aggravation written all over his face, sighed heavily and pulled a folder out of her briefcase. She opened the folder and placed it in front him.

"That is Sam, Samuel Jack Shephard, your son." Amanda told him the news literally knocking him backwards away from the file as if it were hot and had burned his hands.

"No, it's not." Jack finally spoke.

"According to Carrie he is yours. You should read the letter Dr. Shephard." Amanda said.

"Okay, let's say he is my son, why exactly are you here? Do you want money?" Jack asked.

"The child just lost his mother and is for all intents and purposes an orphan, he needs a home and I'm not sure why, but Carrie felt that he should be with you." Amanda explained seeing immediately that the good doctor wanted no part of Carrie's plan.

"Well she was wrong. I'm sorry, I hope things work out for the boy, but….." Jack tried to object.

"He's your son. Does that not mean anything to you?" Amanda asked.

"Should it? I don't know him, didn't even know he existed until 5 minutes ago. Am I supposed to get emotional and instantly feel paternal?" Jack asked, his tone clinical as if he were having a discussion with a patient.

"Okay, maybe you don't understand Dr. Shephard. You are that child's biological father and by default his legal guardian. You don't get to refuse, but I suppose you can always go to court and make him a ward of the state if you can't be bothered. Read the letter Dr. Shephard." Amanda ordered, disgusted with his attitude.

Jack started to argue but she put her hand up, waving him off and then pointing toward the envelope she'd given him. He sighed heavily and tore open the envelope. He pulled the letter out and a picture fell out onto the desk when he unfolded it. He ignored the picture and began reading the letter:

_Jack,_

_I'm guessing that right now you are feeling angry and betrayed and are probably looking desperately for an out because you haven't given your brain a chance to accept what this means and attach an emotional response to the situation. I realize the scientist in you will demand all the necessary tests, but you don't need to do more than look at the enclosed picture and see your eyes and your smile to know in your heart that he is yours._

_Yes I tricked you, lied to you, deceived you by letting you believe you were participating in safe sex. No, it wasn't fair to do that to you, but I was in love you with you Jack and I wanted a baby and yes it was a selfish thing for me to do to you and a selfish thing to do to Sam. You were so sweet that night you showed up with flowers and jewelry, trying to apologize, trying to fix things between us a few days after that awful fight. Then we made love and it was so perfect and so beautiful and as we lay together in each other's arms afterward, I almost told you that I was two months pregnant, but you told me your news first._

_When a man can make love to a woman with that much passion and then during post coital cuddling tell her that he's accepted a position at a hospital in Los Angeles and will be leaving at the end of the month, that man is not in love and never will be. You're a good man with a conscience and a good heart, so much so you needed to know that you tried to make things right between us before you moved on with your career, a career that is the only thing in life you truly love with all your heart._

_I knew that I could've told you about the baby and that you would've stuck around or dragged us along with you out of a sense of obligation, but I didn't want to be with you because I trapped you, I wanted to be with you because you wanted me to be with you. So, I let you walk away without knowing._

_I know that you can love your son Jack. I regret having kept him from you all these years because when your life gets cut short you start to take stock and realize what is or isn't important and it is important for Sam to know his father because his father is someone worth knowing. I gave him your name when he was born and you are listed as the father on the birth certificate, I just never wanted to push something on you that you didn't want, but as it stands fate has left me no choice, but to do that very thing.__  
_

_I know this is sudden and perhaps even a bit scary, but it's the right thing to do Jack, for you and for Sam. You have a big heart Jack and it's time to open it up and get to know and eventually love your son. You couldn't love me, but you gave me the best of you, or I suppose you could say I took it. Regardless, on May 17, 2002 I was blessed with a most precious gift and I am now entrusting that gift to you. _

_Love Always,_

_Carrie_

Jack picked up the picture and studied it for a moment. He could see her in him and felt a twinge of sadness over the idea that she was dead. He placed the picture and the letter back inside the envelope and relaxed back into his chair.

"I can't believe she did this." Jack said and let go of a long, frustrated breathy sigh.

"She said you'd be resistant." Amanda said.

"Resistant?" Jack said and let go of a sarcastic chuckle.

"I understand this must be difficult for you…." She tried to empathize.

"You don't understand anything. This isn't difficult it's insane. What about his grandparents or her brother? I'll pay whatever support is necessary and provide for his education, but he'd be better off with anyone but me, trust me on this." Jack said.

"Her parents have been dead since she was a teenager. I can't believe that never came up." Amanda informed him.

"It did, it just slipped my mind. Okay, so what about her brother?" Jack asked.

"Her brother was diagnosed with ALS nearly two years ago. I'm guessing I don't have to tell you what that means." Amanda said.

"It means he's not got much time left. So that's it? I'm just supposed to swallow all of this and agree to play daddy?" Jack asked, more of a statement of defeat than a question.

"Pretty much Dr. Shephard." Amanda said.

"So, how does this work? Am I supposed to fly to Baltimore and bring him back here?" Jack asked.

"No, he's already here. You just need to walk out into your waiting room and introduce yourself to him." Amanda told him taking note of the panic and shock that spread over his facial features immediately.

"No, that's not possible. I can't do this now, not today, not this week. I need some time." Jack argued.

"I'm sorry, but this is how it has to be. Time is up. Your son needs a home. His things have already been shipped to your address and should be arriving within the next few days." She told him.

"You aren't seriously going to just drop a six year old in my lap and leave?" Jack asked incredulously.

"I am." She said and stood to leave.

"No, wait you can't do this, I've got patients waiting to see me, work to do, what am I supposed to do with him?" Jack pleaded with her.

Amanda stopped and turned to face him.

"You know when Carrie told me that I would have to do this, that I would have to literally drop him on your doorstep because it was the only way to make you face it and deal with it, I thought it was the morphine talking, because no man is that big of an ass, but you've shown me the light. I have no idea what she thought she saw in you that would make her trust the one thing that meant more to her than life itself to your care, but I hope to God whatever it was is really in there some place." Amanda huffed and left the office.

Jack moved from behind his desk and followed the woman out, shocked and curious at the same time. He tried to catch up with her, get her to slow down, calling after her angrily and drawing the attention of the other doctors he shared the facility with as well as the nurses and the patients waiting to be seen. She stopped and he did too, seeing the small child sitting quietly in a chair holding onto a stuffed toy. She kneeled down and took hold of the child's hand.

"Sam, can you say hello to Jack?" Amanda asked the child.

Jack stood back, hands on his hips and every bit as terrified as the little boy that was looking up at him. The child pulled his feet up into the chair, pulling his knees into his chest and put his head down, refusing to look at anyone or make a sound. Amanda stood up and looked at Jack.

"He's been through a lot." Amanda said hoping to trigger something that resembled compassion from the large man who didn't seem to realize how intimidating his size was to the little boy.

"Does he know who I supposedly am? Does he know why he's here?" Jack asked her.

"No, Carrie thought it was best if you two met without him having any preconceived notions about what you were going to be to him. He's very confused and misses his mother." Amanda told him.

Jack glanced down at the child and could see that he was trembling and the reality of the situation finally sank in. This small person was most likely his and his responsibility and it didn't matter whether he wanted to be a dad or not because there was a small, helpless person that needed somebody to make sure he was taken care of. He squatted down to the child's level and placed a gentle hand on the boy's head and then moved it down to his shoulder.

"It's okay Sam, don't be afraid." Jack said softly.

The boy lifted his head enough to peek out at the source of the voice.

"Are you a doctor?" Sam asked.

"Yes." Jack answered.

"I'm not sick." Sam argued.

"I know. Your mom was a very good friend of mine and she wants me look out for you. I'm Jack." Jack said in a soft, non-threatening tone and held his hand out for the boy to shake.

Sam relaxed and straightened his legs back out. He put his small hand into Jack's and let him shake it.

"My second name is Jack." The boy told him.

Jack forced a nervous smile and held his hand out.

"Would you like to come with me now?" Jack asked.

"No. I want to go home." Sam refused.

"Sam, you're going to live here now." Amanda said.

"Why? I don't want to." Sam asked as he fought his tears and began trembling again.

Jack looked at the small boy, frightened, confused and no mother to comfort him and it got to him. He mentally cursed Carrie for doing this not only to him, but to this innocent child that had to be completely lost at this point.

The scene unfolding in the crowded waiting room was becoming the main attraction and one of the six doctors Jack shared the office space with approached from behind just as Jack stood back up.

"Jack is everything okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, yeah, it's um, it's a long story, but it's okay. Could you do me a favor? Put this in my office and get Dana to clear my schedule for the rest of the day?" Jack asked as he removed his lab coat and handed it to his colleague.

"Yeah sure, but can you do all of us a favor and take whatever this is out of the waiting room?" He asked.

"Of course, I'm sorry." Jack said.

"Is everything I need in that folder you gave me?" Jack asked Amanda.

"Yes, all the necessary documents are in there." Amanda said.

"Great, you can go now." Jack dismissed her.

"What are you going to do?" Amanda asked.

"What concern is it of yours?" He snapped.

"Are you going to take care of him?" She asked.

"He'll get taken care of." Jack assured her.

"What does that mean?" She pushed.

"Look lady, you've done your job so go home." Jack snapped at her, scaring the child back into a curled up position.

"Fine Dr. Shephard. My phone numbers are in the folder if you have any questions." Amanda told him and reluctantly left him alone with the frightened child.

Jack looked down at the boy and decided there was no delicate way to handle this. The child was traumatized and scared and nothing he could do in a moment would change that. He reached down and picked the boy up. He didn't resist or put up any kind of fight and Jack found himself wishing he had, deciding it would've been less difficult to deal with. Instead, in a move of complete sadness and resignation, he simply wrapped his tiny arms around Jack's neck, let his head rest on his shoulder and whimpered and cried and shook.

Jack grabbed the child's small backpack from beside the chair and disappeared down a hallway to the lab that was part of the facility. Ten minutes and two quick finger sticks later they walked out of the medical building, the child close to sobbing and the man ready to join him.

Sam cried himself to sleep in the car, his small body stretched out over the backseat, refusing to sit up with the seatbelt properly fastened. Jack pulled into the driveway of his home his head still trying to catch up with what had just happened, his life drastically changed since he'd left his home a few hours ago. He would wait for the results of the paternity tests and decide what exactly he was going to do with Sam even though he had no reason to doubt that Carrie had really done this to him, to them. He retrieved the sleeping child from the car, carried him into the house and laid him in a bed in one of the guest rooms. He covered him with a blanket, placed the stuffed toy beside him and looked at him for a moment.

"I don't know what your mom was thinking kid, but I'm sure I can't do this." Jack mumbled and walked out of the room.


	2. Chapter 2

Jack waited impatiently for the coffee to finish brewing, poured himself a cup, turned around and ran smack into Sam. He managed to keep most of the hot beverage from spilling onto the child, the majority of it hitting the floor, but the part that hit the boy's forearm was hot enough to make him cry out in pain. Jack lifted Sam up to the sink and ran cold water over the burned area, his soft, delicate skin a bright, angry red where the hot liquid had singed him.

"I'm sorry Sam. You can't sneak up on me like that, especially when I think you're sound asleep." Jack awkwardly apologized.

"It's okay, it only hurts some." Sam said.

Jack pulled the child away from the water and sat him on the counter. The burn wasn't severe, but a blister was starting to form.

"Don't move." Jack told him and disappeared into the laundry room, returning a moment later with a first aid kit.

He applied an ointment to the burn and bandaged it.

"Does it feel better now?" Jack asked.

"Yes, it's better." Sam told him and attempted to leap off the counter.

Jack caught the boy and set him down.

"Go on into the other room and let me clean this mess up." Jack told him.

"I'm hungry." Sam objected.

Jack looked at the clock. It was noon and he guessed the child probably hadn't eaten since early that morning.

"Okay, let me clean this up and we'll go get some lunch." Jack said.

He watched the boy walk slowly to the edge of the room and stop, standing in the doorway refusing to go any further, studying him and as unsure of Jack as Jack was of him.

"What do you like to eat Sam?" Jack asked.

"Peanut butter and jelly." Sam answered.

"I don't have any of that. What else do you like?" Jack asked.

"Nothing." Sam replied.

Jack looked at the boy and chuckled more out of frustration than amusement. He stood, dropped the soiled towels into the kitchen sink, approached the child and placed a gentle hand on his back.

"I think it's time to broaden your horizons Sam. Let's go." Jack said stopping when he noticed Sam wasn't coming along.

"I want to go home." Sam said sadly.

Jack kneeled down in front of him, keeping his hands to himself.

"I know you do, but you can't and I'm sorry about that." Jack spoke softly to him.

"But what if mommy is looking for me and can't find me?" Sam asked his bottom lip puckering and his eyes filling with tears.

"She knows where to find you buddy." Jack assured him, not wanting to discuss death with a six year old, but not realizing he'd just given the child who really didn't understand what happened to his mother false hope.

"Can we go get chicken nuggets and play on the toys?" Sam asked satisfied with Jack's answer and hungry again.

It took Jack a few minutes to figure out where the child wanted him to take him and it was the last thing he felt like eating, but if it would entertain his new house guest for an hour he was willing to choke it down. He sat outside with the coffee he ordered, finding it to be the only thing on the menu he could realistically choke down, and talked with the now somewhat perkier six year old.

"Do you got games at your house?" Sam asked.

"What kind of games?" Jack asked.

"Video games." Sam told him.

"No, but we can go buy you some if you want. Would you like that?" Jack asked.

"It's okay, I have some at home." Sam said.

"Sam, that home is gone now. You understand that right?" Jack asked.

"But when mommy finds me we will go back." Sam said confidently.

Jack kicked himself mentally and searched his brain for words of wisdom, but came up empty.

"Tell you what Sam, since you're stuck with me right now and my house really doesn't have anything fun for a kid to do, we'll go ahead and get you some video games so you won't get bored." Jack told him.

Sam shrugged and ran off to play on the toys outside the fast food restaurant. Jack sat back and watched him play and tried to figure out what he was going to do with him. He had surgeries scheduled the rest of the week and rescheduling them really wasn't an option. He decided that he'd have to use the day care center at the hospital until he could figure something out, still not sure that the boy was his and even if he was, he was unsure about whether or not he was going to keep him.

He managed to pry the child away from the playground by promising a toy to go along with the video games, realizing that bribery probably wasn't the best parenting technique, but at this point he had no desire to be a parent, he was simply trying to survive until he figured something out.

Three hours, one game system, four games, two movies, two action figures and a few clothes later, Jack and Sam were home and Jack was working diligently to hook up the game system.

"That lady was nice." Sam said.

"What lady?" Jack asked.

"The clothes lady." Sam said.

Jack nodded and grinned slightly as he recalled how the woman had been flirting with him the entire time she was helping him figure out what size clothes Sam wore and then proceeded to help him pick a few things out.

"Yeah, you would've come in handy when I was in my 20s and on the prowl." Jack chuckled.

"Huh?" Sam asked.

"Nothing Sam, get your game ready." Jack answered and moved back, turning the television on and allowing Sam to do the rest.

Jack left Sam to play and spent the next few hours going over his schedule with Dana, his personal assistant and right arm most days, and talking with his attorney about his options where Sam was concerned. He was busy making notes for the next day when the doorbell rang. He looked at his watch, saw that it was after six and became a little unnerved that he'd left a six year old unattended for that long, the same six year old that managed to get to the front door before he did, opening it without fear of who or what could be on the other side.

Vicki, Jack's current girlfriend, stood in the doorway with a bag of groceries and a smile that quickly faded when she saw Sam.

"Did we have plans?" Jack asked and pushed the boy behind him.

"We were going to stay in and cook dinner together. Remember?" Vicki answered.

"Sorry, it's been a little crazy today. Sam, go back to your game." Jack said feeling the boy peeking around his legs at the woman.

Sam left the two adults at the entry way and Jack backed up so she could enter the home, closing the door and landing a soft peck on her lips.

"Who's your little friend Jack?" Vicki asked.

"That is Sam. He's going to be staying here for awhile." Jack said.

"Long lost love child?" Vicki giggled.

"Something like that." Jack replied minus the giggle.

"Are you serious?" Vicki asked.

"Let's make dinner and I'll explain." Jack sighed.

Jack explained the situation to Vicki who he had been dating for the last six months, but as was typical with Jack and relationships, it wasn't serious, not for him anyway. He liked her, enjoyed her company when he made time for fun and the sex was good, but that was as deep as the feelings ran for him and she, a busy caterer, seemed to not be anymore invested in him than he was in her.

They prepared a spaghetti dinner complete with salad, breadsticks and wine and sat back and tried to enjoy it, the six year old sitting in the chair across from them refusing to eat and looking depressed killing the mood.

"Sam, just take a few bites and you can get down." Jack coaxed.

"It's yucky, it gots chunks of stuff in it." Sam whined.

Jack sighed and rubbed his temples, his patience wearing thin, the events of the day taking its toll on him.

"Fine, go get ready for bed." Jack said.

"I'm not tired." Sam continued to whine.

"Well I am, so go, get your stuff picked up and get in bed." Jack told him.

They watched the child scoot out of his chair and walk away sadly.

"I should go Jack. Do you want some help cleaning this up?" Vicki asked.

"No, leave it, the cleaning lady comes tomorrow. You don't want to stay?" Jack asked and leaned in, kissing her deeply and then pulling back just enough to look into her eyes.

"Mmm….that's tempting, but this is too weird, uncomfortable. Maybe after your little house guest moves on." Vicki said.

"He's going to bed Vic, it'll just be the two of us the rest of the evening." Jack tried to persuade her, landing soft kisses over her jaw and then down her neck, his hand moving gently over her breast, pinching the nipple through the fabric of her shirt.

"God you're impossible to say no to, but you have to set an alarm, I need to be up and out of here by 5 AM." Vicki told him.

They wasted no time getting from the dining room to the bedroom, neither thinking about closing and locking the door, both too hungry and eager to get the other's clothes off, coming together quickly in the center of the room before he carried her to the bed and found a very quick release, the tension of the day pouring out of him, thrusting slowly through his release and bringing her off with him.

They lay cuddled together in the center of the bed, talking softly and recharging for the next round that would be less frenzied and he hoped would last much longer and it was and it did, her finally rolling on top and rotating slowly over him. She lifted herself straight up, driving him in deeper and stopped, covering her breasts with her arms.

"What's wrong?" Jack panted.

"You're kid is standing in the doorway watching us Jack." She said, grateful that the room was dark enough that the boy could see little more than two silhouettes moving on the bed.

"Sam, go back to bed." Jack ordered.

"Can I sleep in here?" Sam asked.

"No Sam, now go." Jack said sternly.

Sam ran from the doorway and Vicki attempted to move off of him.

"Whoa, where are you going? Let's finish." He said, his tone close to begging.

He sat up and kissed her, pulling her closer their bodies getting back into rhythm, him thrusting up into her slowly, deeply, both moaning at the contact and getting closer and closer to release with each thrust.

"Jack." The small voice called from the hall again, killing the moment and frustrating her right off of his lap.

"This is too weird Jack. Go take care of your kid. I'm going to get dressed and go home." Vicki said.

"Sam go wait for me in your room." Jack said.

"I'm sorry Vicki, just let me get him settled down and I'm sure he'll sleep for the rest of the night." Jack offered.

"Forget it Jack. I really like you, but kids aren't my thing, but if you get things worked out give me a call." Vicki told him.

"Yeah, sure. You want me to walk you out?" Jack asked.

"No, I'm fine." Vicki said.

Jack slipped on a pair of jeans, kissed Vicki goodbye and walked toward the room where Sam was supposed to be sleeping. He found him sitting in the hallway halfway in-between the bedrooms. He was frustrated, tired and none too happy about not getting to finish getting laid, but the sight of the scared, lost little boy sitting all alone in the hallway softened him and made him forget how frustrated, tired and horny he was. He kneeled beside him and the boy flinched away from him.

"You don't like me." Sam accused.

"That's not true." Jack said.

"You maked me go to bed by myself and I'm really hungry." Sam told him.

"Do you not usually sleep by yourself Sam?" Jack asked.

"No, I don't go to bed by myself!" Sam reiterated with a frustrated squeal.

Jack thought about it for a moment and finally understood what the boy meant. He held his hand out and after a few seconds Sam put his hand into Jack's and they both stood up.

"Come on, I'll fix you something to eat." Jack said and led the boy to the kitchen.

Jack had next to nothing in the house to offer the child so he put him in the car and drove to the store for milk, bread, cereal, peanut butter and jelly. Once back home he fixed Sam a sandwich with a glass of milk and felt sharp pains of guilt stab at him as he watched him hungrily woof it all down.

"Do you want another sandwich Sam?" Jack asked.

"No, I want to go to sleep now." Sam said and looked up at Jack with hopeful eyes.

"Come on, I'll tuck you in." Jack offered feeling stupid for having not considered earlier that you just don't send children this young to bed, especially in a strange house with a strange man who was failing miserably at being a suitable caregiver.

"Will you read me a story?" Sam asked as he climbed into the bed that was so large it swallowed him.

"I don't have any children's books Sam." Jack said and covered him with the comforter.

Sam didn't respond, he just rolled onto his side and grabbed his stuffed toy.

"Goodnight Sam." Jack said and turned the lamp beside the bed off.

Jack looked at the small figure in the bed and he felt a twinge of sadness as the considered how frightened the little boy must be, but he didn't want to be a father to him, he couldn't. He walked out of the room and into his own bedroom, stripped out of his clothes and climbed into his bed. He could still smell her and the sex and considered that if it were a normal night he'd be sexually satisfied and sleeping with a soft, beautiful woman wrapped around him, but as it stood he felt frustrated and stressed. He mostly felt angry though, angry that a woman he trusted had committed the ultimate act of betrayal and because of it had managed to turn his life upside down. He was pissed off that he was going to be forced to make difficult decisions that would decide the fate of a six year old child and that he was going to have to live with those decisions, good or bad, for the rest of his life.

"God damn you Carrie." Jack mumbled and closed his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

Jack spent the next few days juggling his new found parenting responsibilities with his busy work schedule. He would drop Sam off at the hospital's day care facility at the crack of dawn and pick him up long after he'd fallen asleep most days, taking advantage of the fact that it was available 24/7 and then apologizing and promising to do better when he was called out on it, but reverting right back to being comfortable with leaving Sam in their care as much as possible the very next day. So far he and the child hadn't formed any kind of bond and that was the way Jack preferred things for now.

It was Friday and his schedule was as light as it had been in weeks. He had one more follow-up patient to see and then he could sit down and focus on catching up on the pile of paperwork on his desk. He clutched the x-rays in his left hand and opened the door to exam room with his right, the familiar face of one of his favorite patients greeting him with a smile and hopeful eyes.

"Tell me something good Dr. Shephard." The woman said.

"You never have to see me again after today, that good enough for you?" He offered with a happy smile.

"Yes and no. I mean, all the pain you inflicted on me really sucked, but I've enjoyed the conversations we've had. Maybe I'll hurt myself on purpose if I find I miss you and you're stimulating intellect too much." She teased.

"You promised me that you're all done with climbing up the side of cliffs without the proper safety gear. You're not planning on breaking that promise are you?" Jack asked.

"That depends on whether or not you plan on keeping your promise." She bargained.

"Yeah, what promise was that?" He chuckled.

"You promised to go climbing with me." She reminded him.

"I did?" He asked, the moment apparently not as memorable to him as it had been to her.

"You did. It was during that first week when you were trying desperately to get me out of bed and I was being such a baby about it." She told him.

"You were in an excruciating pain, it's hardly being a baby. I don't remember promising to go rock climbing. I don't climb rocks." He argued.

"It was when I went down and refused to move. You held onto me and told me to close my eyes and think of something I loved to do and slowly pulled me up while we talked about it. You promised me if I wouldn't give up and would fight through the pain you'd come with me and see what's so great about it." She continued to try to jar his memory and apparently she did because his demeanor changed, as if he were suddenly cornered and uncomfortable.

"Kate, it was a difficult time. You were alone, scared and in a lot of pain and I don't usually allow that to get to me, but you caught me in a moment of weakness I guess." He explained.

"It's okay Dr. Shephard, you don't have to go rock climbing, we can do something else. You could take me to dinner or a movie or both." Kate continued to press.

"Kate, I don't date my patients." Jack objected.

"I'm not your patient anymore, you just said so." Kate shot back making him let go of a breathy laugh, amused by her tenacity.

"Kate, it's normal for a patient to form an attachment to their doctor, but whatever it is you think you're feeling, it's not real. Dating a patient can never hope to be anything but disastrous." Jack explained.

"No offense Dr. Shephard, but you aren't exactly the type of doctor that gives a patient warm, fuzzy feelings of adoration. Your cold, clinical demeanor is anything but a turn on and while you have your moments of extreme kindness, like when you picked me off the floor and were willing to promise me anything, they are so few and far between that I don't think you'd ever have to worry about a patient falling in love with you." Kate told him.

"If I'm so cold and clinical why do you want to go out with me so badly?" Jack asked.

"Because I want to know what you're like when you're not a doctor and being so guarded and professional, plus you're pretty cute." She told him and smiled making him laugh lightly again.

"Listen, I'm flattered, but……" He continued to object.

"Are you married Dr. Shephard?" She asked.

"No." He answered.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" She asked.

"No." He answered.

"Am I ugly and repulsive to you?" She asked.

"No." He chuckled.

"So what's the problem? It's just one date and if I don't like you then you don't have to see me anymore." She told him.

"What if I don't like you?" He asked, finally relaxing and playing along.

"What's not to like? You've seen me naked which kills some of the mystery, but there's much, much more to me than that." She teased.

"Kate, I don't see "naked" when I'm dealing with a patient so that's still a complete mystery." He argued.

"That's good to know. So what do you say Dr. Shephard? Pick me up around six?" Kate asked.

He stood back, hands shoved into the pockets of his slacks as he mulled it over in his mind. She was cute, that much he had noticed and she could make him laugh like no person he'd ever met could. He finally dropped his head forward, laughed and rubbed the back of his head nervously.

"Sure, why not, but it'll have to be around eight and you have to drop the "Dr. Shephard" thing, it's Jack." He told her.

"Awesome, my address is in my file. I'll see you at eight Jack." Kate said and slid off the exam table.

"Okay then, um….you can get dressed and hand this to the receptionist on the way out." Jack said as he scribbled on a piece of paper and handed it to her.

Jack left the room feeling a bit rattled, but also a little excited over the prospect of a new woman to get to know. He'd been Kate's doctor since she arrived in the ER bloody and broken six months ago. Her injuries extremely painful, but nothing that couldn't be fixed, the recovery the most challenging part for her and for him, her struggling with the pain and having no one around to encourage her to keep going bothered him and made him take more of a personal interest in her daily recovery than he normally would. His daily visits and assistance with her physical therapy while she was still hospitalized allowed them to forge a bit of a friendship, her unbreakable spirit always refreshing to him and making him want to help her and encourage her on the days when the pain was close to becoming too much for her.

He saw her in his office twice a month after she was released from the hospital and she always seemed to have a smile on her face and some funny story to share with him, but it had never occurred to him to be attracted to her in a sexual way, she was just a patient, a patient that didn't whine at him constantly or look to hold him personally responsible for the painful healing process she was forced to go through and therefore a patient he actually looked forward to seeing, hoping she'd continue to progress on schedule and eventually not need him anymore.

The day he'd hoped for her had finally come and now she wanted to get to know him instead of the doctor. He'd never crossed the doctor/patient line, but he'd done many things in the past week that he swore he'd never do. However, the fact that Sam never crossed his mind while he mentally prepared for his date showed that learning how to be a responsible parent wasn't something he'd managed to figure out over the past week.

Kate sat in her house anxiously awaiting for her date to arrive. She was dying to try to get to know him a little better so she might understand him a little better. She couldn't understand how someone could show another person so much genuine compassion yet appear to be so emotionally detached the majority of the time. He was so intense and so professional, but he also had a softer, kinder side and she could tell it wasn't an act for her benefit. She knew that when he would sit with her after a grueling session of physical therapy and talk with her to keep her mind off the pain until it became manageable or until the shot that would take the edge off it finally came that it was coming from a place within him that was genuine. But, for whatever reason, he kept that part of him suppressed the majority of the time and she wanted to get to know him better and find out why.

She supposed that he was right in that she developed a crush on her handsome doctor, but it wasn't because he fixed her broken body, it was because of those moments when he stopped being her doctor and just let himself be her friend. She saw his car pull into her driveway, grabbed her purse and met him at the door before he had a chance to ring the bell. A move that made him laugh lightly before escorting her to his car.

They shared a quiet dinner and he seem preoccupied the entire time, checking his cell phone for messages and then finally ending the evening early, taking her home, walking her to her door and kissing her softly on the cheek.

"Am I really that boring Jack?" Kate asked

"Why would you say that?" He asked.

"You didn't have much to say at dinner and it's ten o'clock and you're dropping me off with a kiss on the cheek." Kate sighed.

"Would you be less offended if I had groped you and shoved my tongue down your throat?" Jack replied sarcastically.

"Whatever. Goodnight Jack." Kate said disappointedly.

"Kate, it's not you. I'm beat and I'm distracted and just not very good company." He apologized.

"So come in, I'll make you some coffee and you can explain why you're so distracted." She offered.

"Let me ask you something Kate. What do you think of a man who has this small child he's supposed to be responsible for, yet makes a date with a woman and doesn't remember that he has this responsibility?" Jack asked.

"You've got a kid Jack?" Kate asked.

"I don't know what I've got, but I need to go pick him up. He's been at the daycare since 6 AM." Jack answered.

"You left your son in a daycare all day and all night?" Kate asked.

"I never said he was my son and yes I did and it didn't dawn on me that I had done that until we sat down to dinner and I got a text message from them asking when I was going to pick him up." Jack admitted his tone a mixture of anger and guilt.

"I don't understand Jack." Kate said feeling a lot of disgust over his admission, but seeing in his body language and hearing in his tone that he was confused and struggling and not a complete ogre.

"No you don't, you couldn't and I don't even know why I'm telling you this. Look, you got your one date to determine whether or not you like me so good luck to you Kate, it's been a pleasure." Jack said, taking her hand and kissing the top of it before turning to leave.

She grabbed his arm and he turned back to face her.

"What if I decided that I like you?" Kate asked.

"I'd ask if you're some kind of masochist." Jack chuckled, more sick with himself than amused with her.

"Stop it. I'd love to go out with you again when you're less distracted. What are you doing tomorrow?" She said and smiled at him forcing him to lighten up a little and smile back at her.

"I can't. I can't lock Sam away in that daycare on a Saturday, especially since I'm not on call." Jack said his tone apologetic although she wasn't sure if the apology was for her or for Sam or both.

"I wouldn't want you to. Let's take this little Sam person and do something fun with him. How old is he?" Kate asked.

"He's six and why would you want to spend your Saturday with a kid you've never met?" Jack asked.

"I love kids Jack. I spend my summers working camps for kids with special needs, well the summers I don't spend healing from my injuries that is." She told him.

"Why doesn't that surprise me? Thanks for the offer Kate, but no." Jack sighed, rubbing at his temples with the thumb and fingers of his right hand.

"Come on it'll be fun and I bet the two of you are cute together." She pushed, not realizing she was pushing buttons that were better left un-pushed

"Look Kate, I think you're great, never boring and someone I'd love to get to know on a more personal level, but it's just not a good time for me." Jack argued, not wanting to discuss just how awful he and Sam were together.

"Really, sounds to me like you need a friend in the worst way right now." Kate argued.

Jack stood back feeling exasperated with her unwillingness to just let him be on his way, her need to keep poking and prodding at places he hated to be poked and prodded pissing him off.

"What I need right now is a full-time nanny, cook and dish washer, not a friend, you volunteering Kate?" Jack snapped at her.

Kate didn't answer, the rage in his eyes unnerving her and making her step back.

"Didn't think so." Jack hissed and walked away from her, leaving her standing on her porch wondering who or what he was so angry at and feeling a little hurt that he chose to take it out on her.


	4. Chapter 4

Jack awoke early the next morning to two eyes boring holes through him, startling him enough to jerk his head up and back slightly.

"Jesus Sam, give a guy a shake or make some noise or something." Jack grumbled and dropped his face into the pillow.

"Am I going to that place today?" Sam asked.

"No, we're going to stay home today." Jack answered.

"Can I watch tv?" Sam asked.

"I don't care. I'll be out in a minute." Jack said wanting just five more minutes of sleep.

His guilty conscience had kept him up most of the night, shifting between the look on Kate's face when he'd been so hateful to her and the sight of the sleeping boy all alone in the day care. He closed his eyes not meaning to fall back asleep, but realized he had when he was startled back into consciousness by the sound of the smoke alarm going off. He jumped out of bed and ran toward the noise, finding a skillet of burning, smoking eggs on the stove and Sam in the corner holding his hands over his ears. He grabbed the skillet and threw it into the sink, opening the window above the sink to let the smoke out and then turning his fear and anger on the small cowering figure in the corner. He snatched the boy up and held him out in front of him.

"Are you trying to burn the house down?! You never use the stove without an adult Sam! Never! Now get out of here!" Jack yelled and then set the boy down and watched him scamper away, frightened and crying.

Jack absorbed the scene, what he'd just done, how he'd just yelled at and terrified a six year old and began slamming, throwing and banging everything he could get his hands on. He finally regained control, took a deep breath and went to look for Sam, finding him on the couch, legs bent at the knees, pulled into his chest and head down, crying for his mother. Jack sat beside him and placed a gentle hand on the back of the boy's head.

"I'm sorry Sam. I'm sorry I yelled. That was my fault. I should've been awake and paying attention." Jack spoke softly.

"You don't like me here. When is mommy going to find me so you don't have to keep me no more?" Sam cried.

Jack had no words. The child was perceptive enough to have picked up on how put out Jack was with his being around and he couldn't deny that he'd been feeling that way, but he'd never meant to hurt him and frighten him and he knew he was in way over his head, yelling like an idiot at a confused and frightened child and snapping at people left and right, people who were just trying to help him.

He thought about Kate and how she'd just been offering to be a friend, seeming to realize that he was caught up in something very difficult and that he had nowhere to turn and no one to talk to. He'd been so hateful to her that he wondered if she would even take his call if he tried to apologize.

"Let's go take a shower Sam and go get some breakfast. Do you like pancakes?" Jack asked.

"Uh huh, but I never taked a shower." Sam answered.

"Took, you never took a shower. Come on, it'll be quicker if we do this together." Jack told him, taking his hand and leading him to the bathroom.

They took a shower, Jack teaching Sam the fine art of cleansing the entire body in under five minutes, and they stood in front of the mirror, towels wrapped around their waists brushing their teeth, Jack seeing himself in the boy's reflection and taking note of the feelings of anger and betrayal that rushed through him once again.

"Go pick out what you want to wear and I'll help you with the buttons and shoelaces." Jack told him.

Sam left the room and Jack dressed in jeans and a pull over shirt. He put his sneakers on, tied them and moved out of the room and down the hall to find Sam, who was neatly dressed in jean shorts and a multi-colored striped shirt. Jack kneeled in front of him and tied his shoelaces for him.

"How come you haven't learned to tie your shoes yet Sam?" Jack asked.

"I had casts on my arms." Sam explained.

Jack took hold of the boy's hands and studied his small arms.

"Casts? How did you break your arms?" Jack asked.

"I jumped out of the swing and landed backwards on my hands." Sam told him and Jack winced as he could immediately picture the bones in his wrists snapping under the stress.

"I bet that hurt." Jack offered.

"Uh huh, but everybody signed them. Can you show me how to tie my shoes?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, sure, we'll work on that this weekend. Come on, let's comb your hair." Jack said.

Jack helped Sam into the backseat of his car fastened his seatbelt and headed for the closest pancake house. He spotted a flower shop on the way and pulled into the parking lot.

"I need to do something real quick Sam and then I promise, all the pancakes you can eat. Okay buddy?" Jack asked.

"Can I stay in the car?" Sam asked.

"No, I don't think that would be a good idea." Jack said, clueless about kids, but not completely stupid.

Jack sat on a park bench watching Sam play on all the equipment. He seemed to enjoy things he could climb on and the slides the most and avoided the swings. He guessed two broken wrists would make him leery of swings too. Sam was a very well behaved child, polite and quiet for the most part and he was his son, he knew that even if the scientific proof hadn't confirmed it yet and he had to get his shit together and either make a suitable home for the child or turn him over to someone who could. He'd been nothing short of neglectful with him, the scene in the kitchen driving that point home and scaring him enough to know he had to quit screwing around with the health and well-being of an innocent child. He felt his phone vibrating and pulled it out of his pocket, taking note of the name of the caller and smiling.

"Hey, I guess you got my message." Jack said.

"Never would've taken you for a "_Just say it with flowers"_ type of guy Jack." Kate teased.

"I'm usually not, but I'm usually not the world's biggest jerk when someone is just trying to help either." Jack said apologetically.

"So according to the little card I was supposed to call you if I was interested in watching you beg for my forgiveness. I'm calling to make a date for that." She told him, making him chuckle

"Can I get back to you on that? I've got to figure out a better situation for Sam before I make anymore dates." Jack explained.

"What do you mean a better situation?" Kate asked.

"I really don't know, but something that doesn't include him spending 16 hours a day in a day care." Jack sighed.

"Well, we don't have to go out. I could come over to your house and you could introduce me to Sam." Kate pushed.

"Kate, why are you so eager to meet Sam and why would any woman consider that a fun date?" Jack asked.

"I told you I love kids and I like you Jack. Why is spending an evening watching a DVD not your idea of fun?" Kate asked.

"Because we're not an old married couple, hell we aren't even a couple. I should be taking you to some place nice not inviting you over to my house for family hour." Jack argued.

"Oh come on Jack, it'll be fun and you can grovel in the privacy of your home. I expect you to get down on your knees when you do it though." She continued to push.

"How about if Sam and I pick you up and take you out to dinner and if you really think you want to spend the evening with us then you can, but if not I'll just take you home." Jack offered.

"It's a date." Kate agreed.

"I'll pick you up around 6:30 and Kate, thank you for giving me a chance to apologize." Jack said.

As promised Jack picked Kate up at 6:30 and the three of them enjoyed a meal in a family friendly restaurant. Kate took an instant liking and interest in Sam and began asking him all kind of questions and Sam, happy to have the attention talked more in the hour they were seated around the table then he had since he'd been dropped in Jack's lap. His favorite book was "Green Eggs and Ham", his favorite cartoon had something to do with turtles and he was afraid about going to first grade because he didn't know how to tie his shoes by himself.

"I said I'd teach you how to tie your shoes Sam." Jack offered.

"You won't." Sam accused.

"Why do you say that?" Jack asked.

"Because you lie." Sam answered.

"What did I lie to you about Sam?" Jack asked.

"You promised to open my boxes of stuff and didn't. You said mommy knows where I am, but you're lying because she would come get me if she knew." Sam said angrily with a hint of fear in his voice, making Kate shoot Jack a questioning look.

"We'll open your boxes tomorrow Sam, I promise." Jack said, ending the discussion.

Kate ended up going back to Jack's house where she played a couple of video games with Sam before Jack decided it was time to put him to bed. Jack walked out of Sam's bedroom, started to return to the living room but was stopped by the sounds of movement coming from his bedroom. He entered his bedroom and ran into Kate.

"What are you doing Kate?" Jack asked.

"I was looking for the bathroom." Kate said with just a hint of nervousness, as if she weren't really looking for the bathroom.

"It's at the end of the hall." Jack said and pointed.

He watched her walk toward the bathroom, looked into his bedroom, shrugged and made his way back into the living room where she joined him a few minutes later. He picked up his bottle of beer and took a drink.

"So, what do you want to do?" Jack asked.

"Why doesn't Sam's mother know where he is Jack?" Kate asked.

"She's dead Kate and he doesn't understand what that means." Jack sighed.

"What's going on Jack? You two seem so tense around each other. He's your son right?" Kate asked.

"You ask a lot of questions Kate." Jack complained.

"That's because you seem so different from the doctor that I laughed and cried with the last six months. I'm wondering if I really have just misjudged you, what kind of person you are." Kate explained.

"What kind of person am I Kate?" Jack asked.

"Well I never would've thought you'd be the type of person that neglects his son." Kate accused.

"You don't know what you're talking about." Jack defended himself even though he knew she was right.

"No, then tell me why that little boy calls you Jack and acts like he doesn't like you and almost as if he's afraid of you?" Kate asked.

"He probably doesn't like me and I probably do scare him. I've given him no reason to believe he should feel safe or like he can trust me." Jack said.

"Jack that's……..what is going on here?" Kate demanded.

"Kate, you just can't give it a rest can you? Why can't we just watch a movie and fool around a little? Why do you need to know every fucking detail of my life on the first date?" Jack snapped, tired of her forcing him to talk about things he didn't want to talk about.

"It's our second date." Kate reminded him settling him down and making him laugh lightly.

"If I give you the condensed version will you let it go for now?" Jack asked in a pleading tone.

"Okay, but it has to make sense." Kate agreed.

"Sam's mother died recently. I didn't even know he existed until about 10 days ago. He doesn't know I'm his father and I'm not sure he's ever going to know." Jack explained his voice sounding as exhausted as he looked.

"Why wouldn't he ever know?" Kate continued to push.

"Because I might not be the best thing for Sam, kids need stability and I can't provide that." Jack explained.

"Okay." Kate said and he looked at her.

"Okay?" He laughed.

"Yeah, okay. It all makes sense now." Kate said.

"All? What all makes sense now?" Jack asked.

"You know, your edginess, your confusion, the reason you would leave a child in a day care for 16 hours straight. You have no idea what you're doing, but I suspect you'll figure it out." Kate said.

"You have more faith in me than I do." Jack sighed.

"I don't know you Jack, but I've seen enough of you to recognize you're decent and compassionate at the core. Sam will be fine and so will you. So, how about that movie." Kate said smiling at him and affecting him the way a beautiful woman should.

He looked at her, really looked at her for the first time. She was beautiful and such an enthusiastic bundle of positive energy it was contagious. The anger and stress that had been consuming him since Sam showed up temporarily disappeared, replaced by attraction, desire and need and he leaned in and kissed her, feeling her kiss back and deepening it. He pulled back and pushed a strand of hair back, caressing her face gently.

"You're beautiful. How come I never noticed that until now?" He asked.

"Because you were too busy obsessing over my bones to notice the rest of me." She teased.

"I'm not a good doctor if I allow myself to be distracted like that." He said softly, apologetically.

"You're not my doctor anymore so shut up and get as distracted as you want." She replied and pulled him in for another kiss.

He kissed her long and deep, laying her back onto the couch and following on top, the passion he was capable of coming through, all of the things in his life that were stressing him out pushed out of his mind, the soft, beautiful and receptive woman below him captivating him and drawing him in deeper and deeper. They'd gone from zero to sixty mind-numbingly fast, the feel of her soft, tiny hands tugging at his belt buckle surprising him and making him stop, pulling back and looking at her with questioning eyes.

"This is pretty fast." He stated.

"I know but it's okay Jack, I mean if you want to, it's okay." She told him and recaptured his lips with her own.

He continued kissing her, allowing her hands to slip inside his shirt while his slipped inside hers, pushing it up, eager to get it off of her, the naked breasts beneath begging to be kissed, licked and sucked on, the front of his pants becoming tighter.

"Jack." The small voice called from somewhere in the room.

Jack quickly pushed her shirt back down and moved off of her, bumping into Sam who was standing beside the couch. He was startled and irritated, but calmed down as soon as he saw the vomit all over the boy's clothes and the deep redness in his face, an indication he was running a pretty high fever. Sam started to cry and back away and Jack grabbed his arm.

"It's okay Sam, it's okay. Come on, let's get you cleaned up." Jack said and led the boy out of the room.

Kate followed them into the bathroom where Jack sat Sam on the counter and began peeling his vomit soaked shirt off of him.

"Can I do anything?" Kate asked.

"Some clean pajamas. They're in the top drawer." Jack said and proceeded to clean the child up.

Sam was sitting in his boxers shivering when Kate returned with the pajamas while Jack was finishing cleaning the last of the vomit off of him.

"You're awfully hot Sam and I'm sure I don't have any children's fever reducer." Jack sighed and began dressing him.

He finished dressing him and carried him out to the living room, laying him on the couch and covering him with a blanket, the child shivering uncontrollably.

"You should put a pan or small trash can beside him in case he needs to….you know." Kate suggested.

Jack nodded and disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a large pan and a glass of water. He set the pan and the water on the table and grabbed another blanket, tucking it loosely around the child.

"Would you mind staying with him while I run to the pharmacy and get something to bring his fever down?" Jack asked.

"Sure, no problem." Kate said.

"No Jack, please don't leave." Sam whined.

"Apparently you make him feel safer than you give yourself credit for. I'll go, give me your keys." Kate said.

Jack handed her his car keys. Kate grabbed her purse just as he was reaching out to hand her some money, knocking the purse out of her hand and spilling the contents onto the floor. Jack bent down to help her pick things up, his eyes immediately landing on the employee badge and the words embossed across the top in royal blue lettering:

_**Los Angeles County**_

_**Department of Children and Family Services**_

Her name appeared in black ink in capital letters below the header that was currently getting all of his attention.

"What the hell is going on Kate?" He asked, holding the badge up.


	5. Chapter 5

Kate froze for a moment, looking at the item in Jack's hand and the confusion with a hint of anger portrayed on his face. She took the badge from him, grabbed her purse and stood up.

"Let me go get the medicine for Sam and I'll explain." Kate offered.

"I guess if I object, if I deprive a child of the medicine he needs in order to find out what the hell is going on first you'll write that up in what ever file it is you're gathering on me?" Jack asked sarcastically.

"It's not like that Jack." Kate insisted.

"Then what is it Kate? What kind of game is this?! He snapped.

"Jack please, just calm down and let me explain." Kate pleaded.

"No, just save it Kate. I'm not interested. Come on I'll drive you home and pick up some medicine for him on the way home." Jack told her.

"Jack…..I gotta be sick again." Sam cried out just before he erupted all over himself for the second time that night.

Jack left Kate standing where they'd been arguing and cleaned the mess up. He made the child comfortable on the couch again and gave Sam a quick lesson in grabbing the pan before he gets sick.

"I'm thirsty." Sam whined.

"I know you are. Just take a little sip." Jack said and held the glass of water up to the boy's mouth.

"Can I do anything?" Kate asked.

"No and forget about the medicine. He'll never hold it down long enough for it to do any good." Jack sighed.

"Will you please let me explain Jack, give me a chance to make you understand." Kate pleaded.

"Understand what? That you were pretending to be interested in me so you could find out if I'm abusing my son?" Jack asked still very angry with her.

"Jack I wasn't gathering information on you, not in the way you're thinking and in case you didn't notice you just referred to him as your son. That's the first time I've heard you do that. Why do you suppose that is?" Kate asked as she watched him tenderly apply a cool cloth to Sam's face and forehead.

"Don't try to analyze me. You were going to sleep with me Kate? Why? So you could put in your report that I'm exposing a six year old to inappropriate behavior?" Jack accused.

"No, because I really like you and wanted to have sex with you." Kate answered.

"You don't even know me Kate and it's painfully obvious that I know nothing about you." Jack huffed.

"I know enough to know what I like and what I want, but this isn't about us Jack, this is about why you're sitting there feeling deceived and used." Kate said.

"There is no us Kate and I don't do "us" well if that's what you had in mind and please tell me why I shouldn't be feeling deceived? Hell, you can use me for sex if you want, but I can't stand a liar." Jack said flatly.

"I told you I worked with children Jack do you not remember that?" Kate asked.

"Kate working with children can mean a number of things. You never said you dealt with abused children." Jack said.

"No, I said I worked with CASA. Do you know CASA is?" Kate asked.

"It's some kind of child advocacy organization and I don't remember you mentioning it." Jack answered.

"It stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate, which means I am handed the file of a child that is in the system and I follow through on that one case and work on behalf of that child until he or she is placed in a safe environment." Kate explained.

"So how does that earn you an employee badge with DCFS?" Jack asked.

"Sounds like you're familiar with them." Kate commented.

"Yeah, unfortunately they are on most hospital ER's speed dial, but you work for them and should know that." Jack said.

"I don't really work for them Jack, I consult with and for them and sometimes I help out. I'm a licensed social worker, but my when my father died he left me pretty much set for life, so I prefer to volunteer my services to CASA where I know I can make a difference and actually get to see it happen." Kate explained.

"Kate can you just cut to the chase and tell me why you are here spying on me." Jack asked growing frustrated with the entire situation.

"I was at DCFS when the complaint of possible neglect came across the desk. When I saw your name I couldn't believe it and I told Dee, the supervisor, that there was no way it was possible, that there had to be some misunderstanding and I asked her to let me check it out informally. I was doing it as a favor to you Jack. A surgeon doesn't need something like that following him around if it isn't true." Kate told him, watching his face go from angry to guilty.

"But it is true." Jack admitted.

"Jack." Kate objected.

"No, come on, you saw it first hand, 10 PM and he was still at the daycare. I suck at this and I think that's mainly because I don't want to be any good at it. I don't want this Kate so you should go back and report that because children deserve to be wanted and cared for and given attention." Jack said with a hint of regret as he moved the cool cloth over the now sleeping child's face.

"I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you Jack and I know you're angry with me, but I really like you and wanted to be with you, that part was true and I don't believe the things you're saying about yourself." Kate argued.

"Who reported me to DCFS?" Jack asked.

"I can't tell you that Jack." Kate said.

"It doesn't matter. It was probably the hospital daycare and I deserved it." Jack said and stood up, the boy sleeping peacefully for now.

He approached her slowly, stopping with just a couple of feet between them.

"Are you still mad at me?" Kate asked.

"No, but Kate this image you have of me is severely skewed, which is why it is never a good idea for a doctor to try to date one of his patients. You've placed me on some pedestal and trust me I don't belong there." Jack told her.

"I'm willing to take a chance." Kate said.

"I'm not." Jack said.

"You were perfectly willing thirty minutes ago, what's changed?" Kate pushed.

"Kate, you think you know me but you don't. You have ideas about what I could be and they're so far off the mark. I'm never going to be that great guy you think exists within me. Sam and I aren't going to do little league together and the odds that I'd ever be around to help with homework are slim to none. I'm a really good doctor Kate, that's what I am and that's all I'll ever be." Jack told her.

"Why?" Kate asked.

"Why what?" Jack asked.

"Why is that all you'll ever be? Is it because it's all you want to be or is it because it's safe?" Kate asked.

"You're analyzing again Kate." Jack groaned.

"Maybe it's time somebody was brave enough analyze the great Jack Shephard." Kate suggested making him laugh lightly.

"What's the matter Jack, afraid I might uncover a real live human-being in there?" Kate badgered.

"Kate what you will find is what you see right now and this lame attempt at me being a caregiver is just that. I could show you my calendar for next week and what you'll notice immediately is that there isn't a moment available for Sam. I need to be gone before the sun comes up and I won't be home until long after it sets and that is neglect no matter how you look at it and you need to do your job." Jack told her his tone turning serious.

"You want me to have him removed from your care?" Kate asked feeling extremely let down by him and not hiding it very well.

"See Kate, that right there. You have some fantasy about what kind of man I am and I'm sorry, but I'm not what you dreamed I'd be. I'm a workaholic and according to every woman I've been involved with I'm a thoughtless and often heartless bastard. Is that what you want or need in your life? Is that what any child needs?" Jack said, exhausted by his life at the moment.

"What are you so afraid of Jack?" Kate asked.

"I'm not afraid of anything Kate. I do not want to be a father. How much clearer can I make it?" Jack snapped at her.

"Fine, I'll talk to DCFS first thing Monday morning. Do you think you could rearrange your calendar just enough so you can be here when they come to pick him up?" Kate asked, her heart aching as she tried to accept that this man, this doctor she'd allowed herself to develop feelings for wasn't anything she thought he was.

"I can't, I have surgery Monday morning. He'll be at the daycare. They can pick him up there." Jack told her.

Kate lifted her head, ready to let him have it, ready to tell him what a worthless prick he was and then she saw it, the sad and distant look in his eyes, the dread and fear painted all over his face as he fought to hide the pain that what he was about to do was causing and she realized that she wasn't wrong, that her ideas about what kind of man he was weren't skewed at all. He was scared, tired, frustrated and apparently completely alone with no one to talk to about the sudden change in his life and nobody to help him figure things out and too proud to ask for help. He was doing what he was doing because he knew in his heart that nothing would change and that a six year old boy would continue to be sad, lonely and left with caregivers the majority of the day and evening.

"Jack, let's sit down for a minute." Kate suggested.

"Why?" Jack asked.

"Because I think we both need to calm down. Let's go into the kitchen. You can make me some coffee and I'll give you a breakdown of what is ahead for you and Sam." Kate said.

Jack nodded and moved toward the kitchen. He prepared the coffee and stood by quietly as it brewed. He brought two cups to the table and sat down opposite her, ready to listen to whatever she had to say, good or bad.

"Once Sam is removed from your home a court date will be set where a judge will decide whether or not you should be allowed to continue providing care for him. It could take three to six months for the actual court date to come around." Kate told him.

"What happens to Sam during that time?" Jack asked.

"Sam gets placed either in foster care or most likely in one of the state run facilities, neither of which is ideal Jack." Kate told him.

"You think I'm a monster don't you?" Jack asked.

"No, I think you're scared Jack." Kate answered.

"What am I scared of Kate?" Jack asked with an edge of sarcasm.

"Do you really want the whole list of what scares you Jack or do you just want to admit that you are in over your head, have no place to turn and no one to turn to and therefore are about to do something really stupid?" Kate scolded him.

He didn't argue with her, for whatever reason she could read him like a book which was something he found unnerving, but at the moment also somewhat comforting.

"So what do you suggest?" Jack asked.

"If you go through with this Jack, I will petition the court to become Sam's advocate and ask that he be placed in my care and they will grant my request because I have a solid record with the system. I will also recommend that the end goal be reuniting Sam with his father which means I'll be given an allotted amount of time to shape you up and help you to be better prepared to be a father. So there's just one question here Jack and that is do you want to give your son away. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you have no feelings for that boy and that you have no problem signing away your parental rights then I'll choose a different course of action." Kate explained.

Jack was silent for a long time, feeling somewhat cornered, but also feeling like he had someone in his corner.

"No, I don't want to give him away Kate, but I think that is what is in his best interest." Jack admitted.

"I disagree with you Jack, which brings me to my proposal." Kate said.

"Proposal?" Jack asked.

"The way I see it Jack, I'm pretty much the only person that gives a damn about your situation at the moment and lucky for you, I'm also not only trained to help you out, I'm willing to help you out. Sam's just been through the trauma of losing a parent and being uprooted from everything in his life that was familiar and made him feel safe. If we do that to him again it may not damage him for life, but it's certainly not going to help him deal with what's happened to him any easier." Kate said.

"So what are you suggesting?" Jack asked.

"I'm suggesting you let me in, let me help you get things organized here with Sam and then help you find a way to spend more time away from your work." Kate offered.

"What if I'm not interested in spending more time away from my work?" Jack asked.

"I understand you're passionate about what you do Jack, but I think that if you allowed yourself to develop passions for other things, little things like having dinner with your son or even just being home in time to play with him, hear about his day and tuck him in at night that you're going to become interested in spending less time with your work." Kate said.

"Why are doing this Kate? It's not your problem." Jack said.

"It is my problem because you're my friend and friends help each other out when they can. You helped me through all that painful physical therapy so I'm going to help you through this painful adjustment period." Kate said.

"So how do you plan on getting things organized with Sam? Are you going to be my nanny?" Jack asked.

"If I allow this to be dragged into a courtroom I become Sam's primary caregiver so there's not much difference in me just taking on the job and keeping things out of court. Of course I'm also interested in Sam's dad so I'd rather not be the live-in nanny that daddy's hittin' after little Sammy goes to sleep." Kate explained making him laugh lightly, which made her smile.

"I don't know Kate, if you were to wear the appropriate uniform it could be kind of hot." Jack teased.

"Since I've managed to get you to lighten up does this mean you're willing to try things my way?" Kate asked.

"Sure, why not, things can't get any worse." Jack sighed.

"Great, you tell me what you need in a nanny and I'll have one in place for you next week." Kate said.

"I need one that lives here and that will cook and keep things picked up." Jack said.

"One "male" nanny that cooks." Kate said, emphasizing the word male.

"What can't I have a hot, twenty-something nanny?" Jack protested.

"You can as long as it's a hot, twenty-something male. I have no intention of competing with the nanny for your affection." Kate told him.

"You're determined to pursue something romantic with me aren't you?" Jack chuckled.

"I am and admit it, you're intrigued." Kate teased.

"Oh, I'm definitely ready to be a willing participant, but I want to ask you something Kate and you have to promise you'll give me an honest answer." Jack said.

"Okay, sure." Kate said.

"If I weren't interested in being more than your friend would you still be so eager to help Sam?" Jack asked.

Kate smiled at him, stood and walked over to him. She scooted onto his lap, wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed him, pulling back and letting her hand glide gently over the side of his face.

"It's questions like that Jack that have me convinced that you are exactly what Sam needs in his life and yes, I will still want to help Sam and you through this difficult time regardless of what happens between us because helping children is my passion in life." Kate told him and kissed him again.

He pulled her closer and deepened the kiss, her legs straddling him, their fronts pressed together, the emotional places he had just gone to making him somewhat vulnerable and perhaps even feeling a little needy. Would she still want to sleep with him after he'd allowed her to see his cold, heartless side and if so why? What was it she thought she saw him that made him worth her while? Did it matter? Why women wanted to be with him never seemed to be something he spent much time considering, just happy to share their company and their bed, but Kate was different. He wasn't sure why Kate was different, but he knew this was different and immediately pulled out of the kiss.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"Kate, I really like you and I can't remember ever having such a good friend which is why we can't do this. I'll only end up hurting you and I don't want to hurt you." Jack explained his body trembling slightly beneath her.

He was afraid, afraid of what he was feeling or what he knew he could feel if he allowed things to progress between them and he was instinctively pulling back and shutting down. She couldn't imagine why Jack was this way, why he was afraid of deep emotional feelings, but she wasn't going to give up on him so easily because she knew months ago that she wanted this man more than she'd ever wanted any man in her life and would've boldly asked him out on date whether there had been issues with the young child in his life or not. She slipped off of his lap and held her hand out. He looked at her hand and then up at her.

"What?" He shrugged.

"Sam is resting quietly. Let's go to bed and you let me worry about whether or not I'm going to get hurt." Kate said in soft, somewhat seductive tone.

Who was he trying to kid? He had no defenses for beautiful women that wanted to sleep with him and he needed it right now, not just physically but he guessed on some level emotionally, but he didn't really do emotional so he wasn't sure where the feelings were coming from, but guessed it was because he was feeling so grateful to her at the moment for helping him clean up the big mess his life had become.

He took her hand and then took the lead, leading her to the living room where he checked on Sam before leading her to his bedroom where he began undressing her as soon as they entered the room.

"You should close the door Jack." Kate panted in-between kisses.

"No, he's too sick to get up and we need to be able hear him if he does wake up." Jack panted as he pulled his shirt up and off.

He made quick work of her clothes, laying her onto the bed, her panties the only garment left for him to remove. She sat up and reached for his belt buckle, unfastening it with nimble fingers and making quick work of the button and zipper to his jeans. She reached into the opening, feeling his hardening length trapped beneath his tight fitting boxers, running her fingernails over it through the material and making him suck in a quick breath of air. She started to pull his pants down, but he stopped her.

"Not yet." He said and moved forward, pushing her back onto the bed, kissing her hard and then moving his mouth to her ear.

"Are you sure you want to do this Kate?" He asked in a breathy tone.

"More than anything, please Jack, just make love to me." She moaned.

"I want to taste you first." He told her and began moving his mouth slowly down to her chest.

He sucked, licked and nibbled on her breasts and nipples, enjoying them and enjoying watching her arch her back every time he sucked her nipple hard into his mouth attempting to rub her crotch over him and getting her hips pushed back down onto the mattress. He began moving his mouth down the center of her stomach, his soft, warm, wet tongue leaving a small wet trail as he worked his way toward her panties, holding onto the outside of her upper thighs and burying his face in her crotch, taking in her scent and biting at the material that was keeping him from tasting her.

"Mmm….so wet." He groaned and used a couple of fingers to push the material to the side so he could lick the exposed area of her crease.

"Oh god Jack." She moaned and spread wider for him.

He continued to lick and tease the small exposed area, her panties now soaked and something he wanted out of his way. He pulled back, stood and slowly removed her panties, taking a moment to enjoy the view before going back down onto his knees and burying his face in her pussy, smiling as she squealed with delight. He pulled back and gently spread her folds with his thumbs and moved his tongue up and down slowly over the exposed and sensitive area, the wetness flooding out of her once again, her skin so hot to the touch he knew he'd be sweating if he were holding her close and filling her hole with as much of him as she could stand, the thought of it making him so hard he pulled away from her, wiped his face on the sheets and reached for the box of condoms he kept in the drawer of the nightstand beside the bed.

He stood and she sat up, legs still hanging over the side of the bed, so horny for him she felt like she was coming undone. She pulled his jeans and underwear down past his knees and let them fall the rest of the way, his hard member standing out in front of her, bobbing around as he worked his pants off his ankles and feet, clenching his teeth and grabbing a handful of the back of her hair when he felt her wrap her soft hand around him and close her mouth over him in one quick motion.

"Don't Kate, I won't last another five seconds." Jack warned and tore the condom wrapper open with his teeth.

She pulled back, licking him up and down and kissing his sensitive tip gently before pulling away completely and scooting onto the bed fully, waiting for him to join her. He moved onto the bed and she latched onto him, rolling him onto his back and straddling him. He smiled at her and held the condom up in front of her.

"I'm on the pill." She told him and tossed the opened wrapper onto the bed beside them.

Jack retrieved it and held it up again.

"Sam's mother told me the same thing." Jack said in an accusing tone and she moved off of him and rolled onto her side.

"Do you really think I'd do that to you Jack?" She huffed.

"Are you serious? Kate I barely know you and you've already tricked me once and you're awfully eager to sleep with me." Jack reasoned pissing her off.

She sat up and glared down at him, angry and hurt.

"I'm eager to sleep with you because I've wanted you for months Jack. Okay?! I admit it! You were right! I fell in love with my doctor, but shit I don't want to have your baby and certainly not because I tricked you!" She yelled and fought the tears that were trying to escape.

"You're in love with me?" Jack asked.

"No, it's a figure of speech dummy, but I like you a lot Jack and I want to make love to you, all of you." Kate said.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but surely you can understand why I'm hesitant?" Jack pleaded his case.

"No I can't. Yes, I wasn't completely honest, but this has nothing to do with that. This is about you and me and how my intentions are good and pure and how I would never do something like that to you. Trust has to start some place Jack." Kate said.

"I'm sorry Kate, this was a mistake. You're kind of freaking me out a little bit. You want and expect too much too soon because let's face it Kate, we don't know each other well enough to trust that unprotected sex between us would be safe." Jack said and began to move off the bed, feeling her grab his arm and stopping.

"Don't leave Jack. I'm not a crazy stalker even though that's what you're probably thinking. You just act like a woman wanting to sleep with a man is unheard of therefore I must have an ulterior motive and you've thrown that in my face a few times tonight. I'm tired of defending my desire to sleep with you. You're making me feel like I'm dirty or perverted or something because I happen to find you hot, sexy and someone I want to fuck." She explained, exasperated by how badly this was going.

"Well okay then." He chuckled, laying back down and rolling over her, pinning her beneath him.

"You're pretty hot, sexy and fuckable yourself." He told her and kissed her.

They moved their tongues together slowly, rebuilding the heat and desire their small fight had put a damper on, neither finding it difficult to recapture the moment. She slowly rolled the condom onto his hard, swollen cock and moaned as he pushed inside her, biting her lip as he went deeper, stretching her walls to their limit and filling her just like she always dreamed he would.

"You okay?" He asked noticing the tight fit and wondering if he was hurting her.

"I'm great." She sighed and pulled him in for another kiss.

He began moving in and out at a slow pace, allowing her to stretch and adjust, the natural lubrication from her body swallowing him and making him glide in and out with ease a few seconds after he'd begun his thrusts.

"Jesus Kate, this is incredible." He groaned and thrust a little harder and deeper making her come, her walls tightening around him and nearly making him lose it.

He stopped and let her squirm and squeal her way through it, taking note of how cute her face was all scrunched up and caught up in something that appeared to feel really good. She finally began to relax again and opened her eyes, noticing him watching her and smiling a knowing almost cocky smile at her. She nudged at him until he cooperated and they rolled over, him on his back and her on top, sinking further onto him.

"You're good at this and you know it." She said as she sat up and began slowly rotating over him.

"No, but I'm always hopeful and pleased when I see a woman react the way you just did." He told her and began thrusting up against her movements, making her let go of an "ooh" and then an "ah".

"That's so good Jack, this is too good." She moaned as they both picked up the pace.

They continued on for another two or three minutes, the noises of pleasure and grunts of exertion and maybe a little pain filling the room as they both neared climax, her grabbing two handfuls of the hair on his chest and her walls clamping down hard on him as another orgasm electrified her lower region, bringing him off with her, his rock hard cock jerking as he emptied himself into the protection that covered it.

He immediately rolled her onto her back and slipped out of her carefully, leaving her warm body long enough to dispose of the condom. He returned to the bed and they lay side by side, the sheets over their legs and pooled at their waists.

"I should get dressed, call a cab and go home." Kate said.

"You're welcome to spend the night Kate." Jack said.

"Thanks, but I should really get going." Kate said and moved away from him.

He sat up and grabbed her arm.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah I'm fine, it was really great Jack……." She struggled as she searched for words.

"But, there's a but in there I can tell." Jack said.

"I think maybe you're right. We should just be friends. We can still be friends can't we?" She asked.

"Sure, of course, whatever you want Kate." He said, his words completely void of any emotion good or bad.

She moved off the bed, grabbed her clothes and disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door and locking it before he would get the chance to see the tears streaming down her face.


	6. Chapter 6

Jack lay quietly listening to her cry on the other side of the closed door, knowing he needed to get up and apologize for pulling away and making her feel used and unwanted. He hadn't used her and wanted her more than he should, which was why he pulled back, the desire to toss the condom stronger than hers, but the risk too great for him to take, not the pregnancy risk, but the intimacy risk.

He didn't understand what was drawing him to her, but it was disconcerting to him because while he hated the idea of hurting any woman the way he had managed to his entire adult life, the idea of doing that to Kate made him feel like he might be physically ill.

He should've cuddled with her, made her feel like the warm, sexy creature that she was instead of just leaving her alone on her side of the bed wondering if she'd been so repulsive to him he couldn't wait to get away from her or if he really was just that cold and heartless like he'd warned her. He sighed heavily, pushed the sheets away and sat up, slipping his boxers on and making his way over to the bathroom door. He knocked lightly.

"Kate, can I come in?" He called out.

He heard the sound of her attempting to dry up her tears and the sound of her moving around somewhat frantically.

"Um, just give me a minute." She said.

"Kate, please open the door and talk to me." He pleaded.

There was silence for about 30 seconds and the door opened, the bright light illuminating the dimly lit room and making him squint for a second. Her head was down, but he could see how puffy her eyes were and grabbed her when she tried to hurry past him.

"I need to go Jack." She said and tried to pull away from him.

"No, not like this." Jack objected and pulled her closer to him.

"It's fine Jack. You tried to warn me and I wouldn't listen. I'm an idiot. You didn't do anything wrong." Kate argued and continued to fight against the strong hold he had on her.

"It's not fine and you're not an idiot, I am." Jack said and let go of her, afraid the struggle between them might be getting intense enough to bruise her.

She stood still for a moment and finally looked up at him.

"It's okay Jack. It's okay if we make better friends than lovers." Kate told him.

"If it's okay, then why are you crying?" Jack asked.

"Because I'm stupid and mad at myself and because even when it's okay it still hurts sometimes." Kate said.

"Yeah and sometimes I act like a jerk and make women feel like shit and I'm sorry, it had nothing to do with you." Jack said, pulling her in for a hug.

She resisted at first, but the appeal of having his strong arms wrapped around her was too much for her to resist and she allowed him to hold her like she had wanted him to hold her after they made love, suprised by how comforting it was.

Comforting people wasn't Jack's strong suit, but with her it seemed to be instinctive and not something he had to think about and that was true when she was his patient and not something that had escaped him. He attributed his natural ability to reach out to her to the fact that she seemed completely alone and it was a feeling he could relate to so connecting with her came naturally to him.

While he would emphatically deny to her that they had connected on some level while she was his patient, he couldn't deny it to himself. He had grown very fond of her and somewhat protective and while he didn't understand what he was feeling for her at the moment, he guessed his need to protect her was kicking in and telling him she needed to be protected from what he was and all that he would ever be.

"What happened Jack? Why did you pull away?" Kate asked still cuddled snugly in his arms.

"Kate, I thought I could do this, thought I could carry on a sexual relationship with you knowing it will end as badly as all the other relationships in my life, but I can't. I can't do that to you." Jack explained.

Kate pulled out of his embrace enough to look up at him. She placed her hand softly on the side of his face, went up on her tip-toes and kissed him softly.

"Jack, you make me so sad for you sometimes that I feel like I could cry." Kate said.

"You shouldn't feel that way about me Kate. I'm not worth your tears or anyone else's." Jack commented, the walls that were starting to crumble slightly quickly repairing themselves.

Kate didn't argue with him, the fact that he had come to her apologizing and admitting that he had feelings for her seemed like a huge step for him even though she had to read between the lines to understand that was what he was admitting to. She considered that he could just be the world's biggest womanizer and that he was telling her what she wanted to hear, but Jack was typically honest to a fault, almost cruelly at times and she guessed if he really hadn't been sorry he wouldn't have bothered to get out of bed.

"Is that offer to spend the night still good?" Kate asked.

"Sure, there are plenty of empty beds in the house." Jack said.

"Jack, this is the way we're going to do this. We're going to sleep together in your bed and if you don't want me sexually that's fine as long as you're being honest about what you really want, but no more pulling back because you're afraid of how it might end." Kate told him.

"There is no "might" Kate. It will end and it will end badly." Jack insisted.

"Then it does Jack, guh you sound like a girl with all your obsessing over where this thing may or may not go." Kate teased making him smile like only she could.

He gave her one of his t-shirts to sleep in and they met in the center of the bed. He kissed her for a long time before finally peeling off the t-shirt she was wearing, his hands slowly and sensually touching her all over leaving her flesh tingling and her loin aching, moaning loudly as he clamped his mouth over one of her nipples while his hand slipped down the front of her panties, touching her lightly and then pulling away, his need for her pressed against her thigh and growing against the confines of his boxer briefs.

She rolled on top of him, their tongues tangled in a wet, hungry kiss as she pressed her groin into his, grinding over him slowly before moving her mouth slowly down his chest and stomach, kissing and biting lightly at his hot flesh, stopping at the waist band of his boxers and slipping her fingers underneath, pulling them up just enough to let him feel her hot breath on his tip as she massaged him gently through the material.

It felt so good to him and as she slowly rolled his boxers away from him and took his length into her mouth he didn't resist this time, didn't ask her stop or attempt to pull her away. He closed his eyes and listened to the humming noises coming from her mouth as she slowly and deliciously devoured his cock like no woman ever had. She was so into it and it felt so personal, so intimate that his first instinct was to pull away, but he didn't, couldn't, because he liked it, liked it a lot and when she began slowly sucking on his balls and saying his name while her hand slowly moved up and down his rock hard shaft he found that he couldn't move and couldn't speak, that he was going to come soon and very hard and he was helpless to slow it down as long as she had him where she had him at the moment.

"K-k-k-kate." He finally managed to get her name out, not wanting this to end yet.

She didn't want it to end yet either, she'd been thinking about and dreaming about having him buried deep inside of her for months and now that she'd had a taste of it, she wanted more, wanted it harder and deeper and longer. She slowly ran her tongue over his balls and up his cock one last time and moved back up, hovering over him, her breasts in his face as she reached for the same table he'd pulled the condom from earlier, retrieving one and holding it up in front of him.

"I want to watch you put it on." She whispered in a seductive tone.

She moved off of him and onto her side and watched him remove the condom from it's wrapper, place it over his tip and with very little effort roll it down his hardened length. He noticed how intently she was paying attention, how she unconsciously licked her lips in anticipation as she slid her panties down her legs and off, opening up for him, letting him know she was ready and he wasted no time, moving between her legs and filling her in one swift move, her tight, wet pussy sucking him in and gripping him in soft, velvety vice.

"Jesus Christ you're a perfect fit, too perfect, it's too good." He grunted as he began his thrusts, beads of sweat forming on his face and chest.

"You're so hard Jack and you're so good, I'm coming already, ah...ah..." She cried out loudly as her nails dug hard into the skin on his back.

He continued to thrust in and out of her slowly while she came, watching her face, mesmerized by her and ready to come, but wanting to make it last a little longer, wanting to make her make those noises and that face again. So he continued on, slowly and deeply, kissing her passionately while he moved within her not realizing how head over heels in love with him she was and how this was making her love him more than she already did. He was so kind and sweet and passionate that she couldn't understand why or how he could be so cold and detached at times, but she was determined to fight for him, for who she knew he was and for the love she believed he was capable of giving.

He pulled out of the kiss and looked at her, fucking her at a steady pace, feeling her lift her hips higher, followed by the tightening of her walls around him and the panting.

"Just a couple more Jack, oh shit, oh shit!" She squealed as she toppeled over the edge, her legs wrapped tightly around him.

He made one final thrust and came with her, the explosion so intense it blinded him for a moment as he dropped his face into the pillow beside her head and allowed himself to finish completely. After a couple of mintues he lifted his head, smiled at her and kissed her some more, staying inside of her and in no hurry to move off of her. He pulled out of the kiss and looked at her.

"You're so beautiful." He said sweetly.

"So are you." She whispered.

"No Kate I'm not." He said, kissing her once more and then pulling away, disappearing long enough to dispose of the condom and then rejoining her in the center of the bed.

He relaxed back onto his pillow, inviting her to snuggle up next to him, wrapping his arm around her, the way he should've earlier, the way he had wanted to earlier, holding her close and closing his eyes, his body and mind exhausted, but as relaxed as either had been in a long time.

"Goodnight Kate" He barely managed to get out before sleep over took him.

"Goodnight Jack." She said, lifting her head and kissing him one more time before relaxing back into him, feeling like maybe she wasn't quite so stupid after all, but knowing the road ahead would be a very bumpy one.

They slept deep into the following the morning, the sound of water running in the bathroom down the hall waking them. Jack moved off the bed, put his jeans on and left the room to investigate. He entered the bathroom and found Sam, sitting in the floor and literally covered in shit. It looked like he had been trying to clean himself up, but was too weak to stand and just sat down. He saw Jack and his bottom lip began to quiver, his pale face showing how bad he still felt. Jack knelt down in front of him.

"I had an accident." Sam said and began to cry.

"It's okay Sam, but you're going to have to take a shower so we can wash all that off of you." Jack said.

"I feel too bad. I can't stand up. I want my mommy." Sam cried.

"I know you feel bad. Come on, it's going to be okay." Jack said and picked him up.

He carried Sam into his bedroom and looked at Kate.

"Would you mind getting him some clean clothes and bringing them to me?" Jack asked.

"Sure." Kate said and moved off the bed.

Jack sat in the shower in his jeans cradling the child in his lap washing away the last of mess. Sam was weak and lying against Jack's stomach and chest, his body still warm with fever, but not as hot as it had been the night before. The loss of body fluids and lightheadedness had rendered him as helpless as an infant. Jack looked down and noticed the child had fallen asleep, the warm water and being taken care of apparently relaxing and soothing to him. He tightened the arm he had around him a little and kissed the top of his head.

"I'm sorry." He said softly.

Jack finished with Sam and left him sleeping in his bed. He changed his wet clothes and left the bedroom in search of Kate. She was in the kitchen and the smell of the freshly brewed coffee made his mouth water. He poured himself a cup of coffee and joined her at the table.

"How is he?" She asked.

"He's pretty sick. Hopefully when he wakes up he'll feel a little better." Jack said.

"What do you think it is?" She asked.

"It's a stomach virus. He probably picked it up at the daycare. Those places are a breeding ground for every childhood illness known to the medical profession." Jack sighed his guilt over his handling of Sam very evident at the moment.

She watched him for a moment, knowing he was thinking about what he was going to do with Sam the next morning and was a little impressed that he was actually thinking that far ahead, another sign that he was starting to accept and adjust to his new responsibilities.

"Jack, I'll stay with Sam until you find a nanny you feel like you can trust if you like." Kate offered.

"What? No, you don't have to do that." Jack blurted out startled that she knew exactly what was on his mind.

"I want to Jack and if I need to run errands tomorrow he can come with me if he's feeling up to it, if not then I'll just have to rearrange my schedule. Of course only if you feel like you can trust me with him." Kate said.

"Who are we kidding here Kate, he'd be so much safer and probably a hell of lot happier with you than he has been with me, but are you sure you want to do that?" Jack asked.

"I wouldn't offer if I weren't sure and he is safe with you Jack, you've taken excellent care of him through this illness, you should really cut yourself some slack." She said.

"Kate, taking care of sick people comes naturally, it isn't even something I have to work at anymore so I don't get any points for doing what I do best." He argued not willing to cut himself a slither of slack.

"Points? Jack, this isn't a contest." Kate said.

"Good thing, I'd be losing miserably." Jack grumbled.

"Okay, I see attempting to prop you up is pointless so how about we discuss something else." Kate suggested.

"Like what?" Jack asked.

"Like when you plan on telling Sam you're his father." Kate said.

"I don't know. Do kids that age even know what that means? I mean will it matter to him whether or not he calls me Jack or calls me dad?" Jack asked.

"I'm sure Sam has been exposed to family situations where children have both a mom and a dad and whether or not he understands all of the scientific implications behind that I'm sure his young mind understands that it means home, trust and love. I can't imagine how unsettled that little boy must be feeling and I think it would be comforting for him to know that you aren't just Jack, just this man his mom wanted him to stay with." Kate explained.

"So what, I just sit him down, ask him how he's feeling and then oh by the way Sam, I'm your father." Jack asked with an edge of sarcasm, clearly uncomfortable with the idea of such an intimate moment with the boy.

"It's up to you Jack. You need to decide if you simply want to be Sam's caregiver or if you want to provide a loving home for him." Kate shot back, not impressed with his attitude.

Jack was quiet for a long time, stewing and brewing and Kate was afraid she'd pushed too hard, that maybe he was seriously considering bowing out and turning Sam over to more capable hands, but then he looked up at her and with sincerity and trust in his eyes he uttered a simple request.

"Will you help me?" He asked.

"Jack, I told you I will be here to help both of you through this." Kate said.

"No, I mean will you help me take care of him. I don't want to hire some stranger to live in my house Kate and he likes you and you don't have to cook or clean or even live here. You'd just always be around to make sure I don't hurt him anymore." Jack said, his tone close to pleading.

"Jack, what you're asking is...." Kate tried to object.

"It's what? You were willing to be his advocate, to take him into your home so why is this any different?" Jack asked.

"What about us?" Kate asked.

"Kate I promise that my attraction to you has nothing to do with how badly I need your help with Sam and even if you say no I'll still want to explore that relationship. I'm admitting I'm drowning here Kate. I'm failing that child at every turn. He looked so small and helpless earlier and he needs something I don't know how to provide. Please, Kate." Jack pleaded with her, so desperate and honest that saying no to him would be impossible.

"Okay, sure, but this doesn't mean you don't make some serious changes Jack." Kate warned.

"I know and I will try, I promise." Jack agreed.

"I'm going to call a cab, go home and catch up on some things. What time do you need to leave in the morning?" Kate asked and stood to leave.

He stood as well, facing her, gently moving his fingers up and down her arms, before pulling her closer and putting his arms around her waist, letting them rest on her lower back.

"I thought you might want to do something tonight, you know, with me, just the two of us." He answered.

"Yeah, what did you have in mind?" Kate asked.

"Well, I can't take you anywhere, but we could hang out here, maybe get to know each other a little better." He suggested, embarrassed that was all he could offer her at the moment.

"I think that sounds nice. Tell you what, I make a mean pot of chicken soup. I'll come back later with it. Hopefully Sam will be up to eating something by then." She offered.

"Hopefully and thank you, I'm sure he'll appreciate it." Jack said.

When the cab arrived he walked her to it, kissed her goodbye and watched it drive away, taking note of the fact that he kind of missed her already and was happy she'd back in a few hours, shaking it off and re-entering his home.


	7. Chapter 7

A couple of weeks went by and Jack appeared to be making a real effort to be more to Sam than "just the guy his mother wanted him to live with". He was home every evening by 7 PM and usually with dinner in his hands. Kate would stay sometimes and other times would leave them alone to bond. On the evenings she did stay, she sat back and let Jack do for Sam. He was responsible for making sure he was paid attention to, bathed and tucked into bed by the agreed upon 9 PM bed time. It was just two hours an evening, but it was a routine and a sense of stability for Sam who began to look forward to the time that Jack was supposed to come through the door.

Jack had worked 13 days straight since he and Kate had made the arrangement and on the evenings she stuck around she typically ended up spending the night with him, their sex life continuing to rev up as they discovered new ways to please each other while revealing small, personal details about themselves to each other. Kate had suspected Jack's detached demeanor stemmed from events that occurred during his childhood, but hadn't managed to get him to reveal much about himself prior to graduating from medical school.

On the 14th day, a Sunday, he took the day off and he spent the entire day with Sam, making good on his promise to teach him to tie his shoes and to unpack his boxes. Sam informed Jack that his bedroom was old and after some careful thought, Jack finally understood that the boy was referring to the room's décor and he was right, it had been a guest room before Sam arrived and wasn't the least bit child friendly. He promised Sam they'd fix it up and finished putting the newly unpacked toys away. Jack was making progress with the boy, but his inability to show the child any form of affection concerned Kate. She'd experienced first hand how passionate he was and he always kissed her hello and kissed her goodbye, but never had a hug or kiss for his son.

By the end of the 3rd week Jack was slipping back into his old habits, leaving at the crack of dawn, not calling at all during the day and coming up with excuse after excuse for why he wouldn't be home in time to put Sam to bed. Kate read him the riot act so he started bringing his work home with him, most evenings he sat on the couch, Sam playing a video game and him working hard and focused solely on the laptop and the file in front of him.

It was a Thursday night and about a month into the arrangement he'd made with Kate. He came through the door tired and more stressed out than usual, offering a quick pat on the head as he passed by to the small boy who eagerly ran to greet him, which put Kate in the mood to pounce when she watched Sam walk away disappointed. He greeted her with a quick peck on the lips and dropped himself onto the couch.

"Did you bring him some dinner?" Kate asked.

"No, I didn't have time. Do you think you could order a pizza?" Jack asked, rubbing his temples, obviously beyond exhausted and most likely not going to be receptive to criticism.

Kate watched him sit up, open his laptop, pull a file out of his briefcase and proceed to ignore everyone and everything around him. He wasn't interested in eating and tossed his wallet to her when the pizza arrived, too engrossed in his work to stop and pull some cash out. Sam was sitting beside him and trying unsuccessfully to get his attention and finally did so in a very negative way when he accidentally kicked over the can of soda sitting on the table, soaking the file Jack was working on, the scene becoming ugly before Kate had a chance to run interference.

"God dammit Sam!" Jack yelled, quickly pulling the soaked file away from the spill.

"I'm sorry, it was an accident." Sam said on the verge of tears.

"Yeah, well accidents happen when you're jumping around acting stupid." Jack sniped.

"Jack, that's enough!" Kate yelled.

"You stay out of it! I told him to go to bed and I'd be in there, but instead he's jumping around, nagging at me and just destroyed several weeks worth of preparation. Get your ass to bed Sam, now!" Jack yelled.

Sam ran out of the room crying and Jack threw himself back into the couch, took one look at his soda soaked computer that was slowly dying, slammed it shut and threw it across the room.

"Are you done?" Kate asked completely disgusted with him.

"Just leave me alone Kate, I'm not in the mood for one of your lectures." Jack groaned.

"I don't care what you're in the mood for you son-of-a-bitch! You just screamed at a six year old and called him stupid. He did go to bed Jack. He got tired of waiting for you to come and tuck him in and came to get you!" Kate yelled.

"I can't do this tonight Kate. I needed that file ready to be presented to my surgical team first thing tomorrow morning. I've got to go to my office and I probably won't be home until tomorrow night." Jack said.

"Bullshit Jack! You're going to go in there and apologize to your son and spend the night at home because I'm not staying!" Kate threatened.

"I guess I'll take him to the daycare at the hospital then. You seem to think I have some kind of choice here Kate, but I don't. My surgical team and a nine year old boy and his parents are depending on me to have every single detail, every little thing that could go wrong documented and a course of action mapped out for every little thing that can go wrong and I need to have all this ready in the morning so we can go over it before I cut into that little boy. His odds of surviving are less than 50 percent minus any unforeseen crisis, do you want me to tell his parents I couldn't give them 150 percent of myself because I hurt a six year old's feelings?" Jack explained, his tone sarcastic and hateful, his eyes full of resentment.

"Go Jack, I'll stay with Sam." Kate relented.

Jack worked until 3 AM trying to recapture what Sam had destroyed, grateful for the back-up files his personal assistant kept for him, the only real loss in the soda accident was the work he'd put into the file in his office and at home that evening. He slept a few hours on the couch in his office and met with his surgical team bright and early before meeting with the boy's parents.

"We'll be taking Dylan up in about 30 minutes. I'll make this brief so you can spend some time with him before they come for him." Jack addressed the anxious parents.

"Please Dr. Shephard, just make him well. We waited forever for a child and when this beautiful two year old boy was offered to us, we knew our prayers had been answered. He's our whole world, please just make him well." The boy's mother pleaded with him.

"I'm going to do my best, but you both need to be prepared for the possibility that he won't make it or if he does he may not be the same boy. One tumor situated in an area that is close to being surgically impossible to remove is difficult, but three separate areas all equally dangerous puts his odds of survival at around 35 to 40 percent, but he will die within the next two to three months without the surgery." Jack told them his tone clinical with just an edge of compassion.

"Living without Dylan isn't an option for us, so you just fix him the best you can. We don't care if he's not the same, just as long as we get to take our boy home." Dylan's father said.

Jack nodded, shook their hands and left to check on his young patient one more time before the surgery. He grabbed his chart from the nurses station and entered the boy's room. He was playing a video game and Jack glanced up at the television screen. He noticed it was the same game Sam liked to play and quickly pushed the feelings of guilt out of his mind, he had to stay focused. Dylan's vision and mobility in one of his hands had been affected by the tumors and he was struggling to work the controller, but determined.

"Are you ready to do this Dylan?" Jack asked.

"I'm a little scared." Dylan admitted.

"Well, hospitals are scary places." Jack said.

"Am I gonna die?" Dylan asked.

"Where'd you hear that?" Jack asked.

"I heard my mom and dad talking about it. My mom was crying. I don't want my mom and dad to be sad." Dylan said as a tear escaped down his cheek.

Jack grabbed a Kleenex and wiped the boy's tears away. Children in this situation and their primary concern always being the happiness of their parents never ceased to amaze and impress him.

"Dylan, your parents are going to be fine. I need you to worry about you and staying strong for yourself and I'm going to do everything I can to make you feel better. Okay?" Jack attempted to comfort the boy.

Dylan's parents entered the room, giving Jack the out he so desperately wanted.

Jack came through the door of his home around 4 PM, the early hour being Kate's first clue that something was off. He looked at her, her eyes asking the question her mouth couldn't seem to verbalize.

"He died." Jack mumbled and walked past her, past Sam who was playing with some cars on the floor in the living room and straight to his bedroom.

She followed him, watched him strip out of the clothes he'd had on the day before and step into the bathroom. She stood outside the open door for a couple of minutes and finally spoke to him.

"I'm sorry Jack….about your patient." Kate said.

"You can go home Kate. I'm off for the weekend." Jack grumbled infuriating her.

She entered the bathroom and approached him until they were face to face.

"Don't you dare dismiss me like that Jack! I've been nothing but patient and supportive of you and I deserve better than that!" She demanded.

"Kate, I just want to finish shaving and take a shower." Jack sighed not wanting to alienate her anymore than he already had.

Kate left the room and came back to check on him about 45 minutes later. He was stretched out on the bed sound asleep, having managed to shower and dress and get no further before his body demanded he stop and rest. She threw a blanket over him and left the room.

Jack awoke the next morning, rested, but confused. He could feel the small figure snuggled up next to him and looked down. Sam was sleeping as close to him as he could get without being on top of him. Jack rubbed a gentle hand over his back until the boy began to stir, finally waking up and springing up onto his knees, looking down at Jack.

"Kate said I could sleep here." Sam told him as if he believed he was about to be scolded.

"It's okay Sam, did you have a bad dream?" Jack asked.

"No, I just didn't want you to hate me and make me go live somewhere else." Sam said sadly.

"I don't hate you Sam. I'm sorry I got so angry, but no matter how mad I get I'm not going to send you away." Jack told him.

"Good because mommy will never find me if I move to another house." Sam reasoned.

"I think it's time you and I talked about your mom Sam." Jack said.

"Okay, but I'm hungry, can we eat breakfast?" Sam asked.

"Sure, where's Kate, did she go home?" Jack asked.

"Uh huh, she said she'd see me on Monday." Sam answered.

"Way to go Jack." He mumbled to himself, knowing she was very upset with him and with good reason.

After sleeping for 14 hours straight he felt like a new man and wished that getting rid of the old one was really that easy. He made Sam some breakfast and they spent the morning shopping for things to make his bedroom more suitable for a small child. He left Kate several voice mails and sent a couple of text messages, but she didn't answer any of them. He continued to focus on Sam and after a quick drive-thru lunch he took the boy to the park where he planned to try to find a way to make him understand that his mother was dead and never coming back.

Jack sat on a picnic table in the park watching Sam run around while trying to figure out the best way to help him understand what had happened to his mother and coming up with nothing. Sam came running toward him upset about something and begging Jack to come help. Jack moved off the picnic table and followed Sam to a large tree where a baby bird lay dead on the ground next to it.

"Fix him Jack." Sam pleaded with him.

"I can't fix him buddy. He must've fallen out of his nest." Jack said as he looked up into the tree.

"You're a doctor you can fix anything. Please Jack." Sam begged.

Jack looked at the dead bird and wondered what the odds were that such an opportunity would present itself at the precise moment he was trying to figure out how to explain death to a small child. He shook his head and led Sam to the car. He decided the box that Sam's chicken nuggets had been in would be perfect and led the boy back to the dead baby bird. He explained to Sam that the bird was dead and that dead meant you couldn't be with things that were alive anymore, placed it in the box, dug a small hole with his hands and buried the bird. Sam was upset, but also intrigued with the ritual that included a snow cone when they were done. Jack took Sam home and ran a bath for him, the boy covered in dirt, sweat and the sticky purple flavoring from his snow cone. Jack sat on the floor beside the tub talking to him while he played in the water.

"Sam we need to talk about your mom." Jack said.

"Okay." Sam said.

"I knew your mom a long time ago, before you were born and I know she must've loved you more than anything else in life." Jack said.

"She's a good mommy." Sam agreed.

"Did your mom ever talk about your dad?" Jack asked.

"I don't have a daddy. My friend Kenny had a daddy and he used to take us to the baseball games. He was really nice." Sam told him.

"What if I were your daddy?" Jack asked softly, gently.

"You're not." Sam said very matter-of-factly.

"Why do you say that?" Jack asked.

"Because you're not. You didn't live with mommy and you don't love me." Sam told him, apparently having inherited his father's knack for brutal honesty.

Jack was quiet for a moment. Did he love Sam? Would he be as devastated as Dylan's father was if Sam were suddenly taken away from him? Would Sam ever matter to him as much as Dylan mattered to his parents? He felt something for Sam, something that grew stronger and went deeper every day, but was it love? He turned and looked at Sam, placing his fingers under the boy's chin and making him look at him.

"I'm not very good at this Sam and I know I've really let you down, but I care very much about you and I am your dad." Jack told him.

Jack watched the boy's eyes and face as his young mind worked to absorb the information. Sam continued to study Jack and finally smiled just a little.

"You're really my daddy? Are you and mommy going to live together?" Sam asked happily.

"Sam, come on, let's get you dried off and dressed so we can talk about that." Jack said, standing up and holding the towel out for the boy to step into.

With the boy dressed and hair combed, Jack took him out to the living room and sat on the couch with him in his lap, his legs straddling Jack's and facing him.

"I want to go play." Sam said and started to move off of his lap.

"No, we need to talk first and then you can play. Sam, your mom got very sick and just like that little bird today the doctors couldn't make her well. She wanted to stay here with you more than anything, but her body was too sick and she died just like that little bird." Jack told him deciding that there was no kind or gentle way to break it to him.

"No, my mommy isn't dead. She knows where to find me you said so." Sam cried and tried to pull away from him.

"I know and I shouldn't have said that. I made a mistake and I'm sorry, but your mom, she wanted you to be here with me and I want you to be here with me." Jack told him.

"No, no, I don't want to, I don't want a daddy! I want my mommy!" Sam cried his devastation nearing hysterics as he fought against the hold Jack had on him, hitting him with his fists and kicking as he struggled to get away from him.

Jack held onto the child and let him cry and scream and be as pissed off at the world as he needed to be, his body finally giving in to exhaustion and allowing Jack to hold him until he finally fell asleep, thumb in his mouth and breath still hitching.

Jack looked down at the broken little boy and realized he himself was shaking, the scene affecting him in ways he never believed he could be affected and his need to protect and do better by this child all but consuming him at the moment. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and called her again, not surprised when it went straight to voice mail.

"Kate, if you're not busy I need your help. I'm really worried about Sam, he's……..I know you're mad at me and you have every right to be, but if you get this, please call me back." Jack spoke softly.

Jack held the phone in his hand and watched Sam sleep, wondering if he'd pushed too hard, if he'd overloaded him with information and done some real damage, the whimpering in his sleep and thumb-sucking not something he'd seen Sam do before. Just as he was beginning to feel somewhat desperate his phone began vibrating. It was her and he let go of a sigh of relief and answered it.

"Jack what's wrong with Sam?" Kate asked.

"I think I really screwed up Kate, can you please come over." Jack asked an air of defeat in his voice.

"I'm on my way." Kate said, whatever anger she felt toward Jack secondary to the fear for Sam she was feeling, her attachment to the boy having grown quite strong over the past month.

Kate arrived 15 minutes later, entering the house and seeing the two of them immediately. Sam's whimpering had settled down quite a bit, but his thumb still remained planted firmly in his mouth.

"What happened?" Kate asked her tone accusatory, her immediate fear was that Jack had finally blown a gasket and struck the child.

"I deserve what you're thinking Kate so I'm not going to be offended by it, but I didn't hit him or yell at him or anything like that." Jack said.

"What did you do Jack?" Kate asked, ready to admit defeat and suggest that Sam would be better off in someone else's care.

"I told him I was his dad and tried to make him understand that his mother isn't ever coming back. He became hysterical and now this. At first I thought he was just sleeping, but now I'm not so sure because of the thumb-sucking and the whimpering." Jack stressed, obviously concerned the child was suffering some sort of shock or post traumatic stress reaction.

"You're a doctor Jack. Why didn't you wake him up, examine him, make sure he's okay?" Kate asked.

"I will, but I wanted to wait for you because he's so upset and I don't know how to comfort him." Jack said his voice so desperate, his fear and regret so genuine that she was beginning to feel guilty for thinking what she had been thinking.

"Jack, you can't………" Kate started.

"I shouldn't have told him Kate, he wasn't ready. I should've made him feel more secure with me before I took all his hope away." Jack said.

"Jack he was never going to be ready to hear that, but it had to be done and he does feel secure with you." Kate insisted.

"No Kate he doesn't. You know what he said when I told him I was his dad? He looked at me and told me I wasn't because I didn't love him. Does that sound like a child that feels secure?" Jack asked.

"Do you?" Kate asked.

"Do I what?" Jack asked.

"Do you love him?" Kate asked.

"I don't know. I feel something, but I feel something for most kids. The parents of my patient, the one that didn't make it, all they wanted and needed was for me to promise them I'd save their son. There was nothing else in life that mattered more to them and I don't know if I can relate to that Kate. I hope I never get the opportunity to know for sure, but today I can't sit here and swear that losing Sam would be the end of my life as I know it, not like it was for those parents yesterday, every reason they had for getting out of bed in the morning died on my operating table." Jack answered, emotions he didn't know existed within him slowly being awakened and confusing to him.

"Why do you hope you never get the opportunity to know for sure?" Kate asked, shocking him a little.

"What hell kind of question is that? Because it would be awful Kate, that's why." Jack answered.

"Why would it be awful Jack?" Kate pushed.

"Because he's just a little boy." Jack huffed not liking what she was forcing him to tap into.

"Your patient was just a little boy. Was it awful for you Jack, as awful as it would be for you to lose Sam, to have to bury him?" Kate continued to poke and prod.

"Okay, you made your point, just stop." Jack insisted.

"I wish you would've talked me about your patient Jack, about how serious the case was, about why you needed to focus all of your attention in that one place for awhile. I can't hope to understand what drives you Jack if you never share those things with me. If you had told me what was going on, I wouldn't have nagged at you to be home with Sam." Kate told him.

"No woman has ever understood what drives me Kate, why would you be any different?" Jack asked.

"Why wouldn't I?" She shot back and smiled at him, forcing a smile out of him.

Sam began to stir, opening his eyes and pulling his thumb out of his mouth, sitting up and looking at Jack. He studied him long and hard and then spotted Kate. He quickly moved out of Jack's lap and into hers, wrapping his arms around her neck and crying. Kate hugged the boy tightly and kissed the top of his head as she slowly rocked him back and forth, reassuring and calming him. Jack watched them for a few minutes before standing and walking out of the room.

Kate watched him walk way, knowing he was feeling inadequate and maybe even a little jealous, but she resisted the urge to run after him because she knew he needed to feel those things if he was ever going to open up and love his son.

Kate held and rocked Sam until he fell asleep again. She laid him on the couch, covered him with a blanket and went to find Jack. He was in Sam's bedroom, on his hands and knees on the floor, disassembling the bed.

"Hey." Kate said startling him.

"Hey." He said and continued with his work.

"What are you doing?" Kate asked.

"We went to the furniture store this morning and he picked out what he wanted in here. Some bunk beds with storage and a desk built into it. It's a pretty big piece of furniture so I need to get all this cleared out of here before they deliver it tomorrow." Jack answered, his voice low, calm and a little resigned.

"Want some help?" She asked.

"Where's Sam?" Jack asked.

"He's sleeping." Kate said.

"How is he?" Jack asked.

"He's traumatized Jack. He's been forced to face what he's known was true all along, but it was the right thing to do." Kate answered, moving into the room and taking a place beside him.

He continued to loosen the screws and finally turned to face her, sat back on his feet and dropped the screwdriver. He looked at her and wondered why in the world she was even still speaking to him. He moved his hand up and down her arm slowly and finally let his hand rest on top of his thighs.

"I'm sorry Kate. I'm sorry I blew up at Sam and at you and I'm sorry I was so short with you when I came home yesterday. I can't believe you're here, but I'm glad that you are." Jack said.

"I came for Sam. I'm the hired help right?" Kate asked.

"Kate, no, of course not." Jack answered his tone apologetic.

"Look Jack, I know you are going through a really bad time right now, but I'm on your side." Kate said.

"I know you are and I appreciate it more than my actions indicate." Jack said, his hands moving up and down her arms again.

"You really hurt my feelings Jack and I'm tired of being your punching bag. You come home in one of your moods and dismiss me, tell me I can go home like I need your fucking permission or something." She scolded him the anger she felt over his behavior the last couple of days returning and she wasn't going to hold back.

"I know, I was wrong and I'm sorry and it won't happen again." He promised.

"Oh please Jack, it'll happen the next time you get over tired and over stressed and need to lash out and remind me that I'm just the casual observer, that I'm not allowed to have an opinion and that I just need to go home when you're feeling like shit and need to be in control of your castle in order to feel like less of a failure." Kate argued losing the battle with her emotions and allowing tears of anger and sadness roll down her cheeks.

She looked so hurt, really hurt and he couldn't stand it, really couldn't stand it. He placed his hands on her face and gently wiped the tears away with his thumbs. He leaned in and kissed her softly, pulling back just enough to look into her eyes.

"I promise Kate, never again. All I'll have to do to stop myself is remember the look on your face right now. I don't ever want to be responsible for putting this look on your face again." He continued to apologize, his tone soft and kind and quickly tearing down all of her defenses.

She moved forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. He closed his arms around her and hugged her, the feel of her soft, warm body so comforting to him. She pulled out of the hug and captured his mouth with hers, locking them up in a deep passionate kiss that eventually led to her grabbing the hem of his shirt and pulling it up and over his head. Even though he wanted it as bad as she did there was no way he would've initiated sex after being buried so deeply in the dog house, but since she started it and was currently working on his belt buckle he decided going along would be okay.

He pulled her shirt up and off and made quick work of her bra, hungrily attacking her breasts while getting her pants and panties out of his way the need to be inside of her so intense he thought he might spill his load all over the soft hand that was currently stroking him. He slid his fingers through her crease, the hot, wet moisture that greeted them making him moan loudly into her mouth.

"Mmm, so wet, I want you so bad baby, lay back." Jack panted in-between kisses, calling her or any woman 'baby' not something he normally did, but for whatever reason it had flowed naturally out of his mouth.

"What about protection." She panted.

"You're on the pill." He said as he laid her back onto the carpet and worked himself between her legs.

She took hold of his cock and placed his tip at her entrance, feeling him penetrate just slightly and then with one, long, slow deep thrust he was inside her, all of him, flesh on flesh and she sucked her breath in, the sensation and the closeness nearly too much for her.

"Oh god." She cried out as he began moving within her, still overwhelmed by the idea that he was giving himself to her, that he was going to come inside her.

"Are you okay?" He asked, stopping his thrusts and looking at her with genuine concern.

"Yes, I'm fine, I'm great, you just feel so good inside me Jack." She said in a breathy tone making him smile and then close his mouth over hers.

He pushed himself in and out of her, kissing her, biting her and growing more and more passionate as he went along, stopping when her orgasm hit and watching her face, his sated smile the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes, her entire lower region still tingling and her limbs feeling like jelly.

"It feels good to be inside you Kate." He said sweetly and began thrusting again, rising above her and pounding hard, the sounds of flesh slapping against flesh and two people moaning and groaning as if they were experiencing something exciting and brand new filling the air.

"Uh…uh….I'm coming again Jack…" She cried out, holding his butt down, keeping him buried deep and grinding her hips up into him as she panted, squirmed and came hard, her body reeling, the pleasure so powerful and him, so strong and hard, continuing to fill her and stretch her walls to their maximum.

He slowed down, wrapped his arms around her and rolled them onto their sides, thrusting in and out of her slowly, pulling their bodies closer and closer until they were stuck together, holding her as tight as he could, his mouth exploring and tasting her neck, shoulders and upper chest, marking her not once, but three different times as his passion spilled over and became something he was feeling so intensely he couldn't control his need to make her feel it too, to feel like she was getting something more meaningful from him than just sex and as terrifying as it this was to him, it was also an excitement he'd never known and he continued on until a combination of exhaustion and his need to release forced him to stop, filling her with his seed and staying there, buried deep inside of her, their naked bodies laid out on the floor and both too caught up in the moment to care that Sam could walk in at any moment.

He brushed the hair away from her face and she kissed him, wrapped her arms around his neck hugging him tightly and then pulling back and kissing him one more time.

"Jack, that was so….." She searched for the right words, her tears telling him that he'd managed to make her feel as special as she was starting to become to him.

He kissed the tears away and kissed her softly.

"Move in with me Kate." He mumbled softly.


	8. Chapter 8

He wasn't sure what her reaction to his request would be, but her angrily pushing at him until he pulled out of her so she could get up, gather her clothes and leave the room never crossed his mind. Women had always confused him so that he was currently very confused was nothing new, but the fact that his feelings were feeling a bit bruised was something he wasn't familiar with.

He'd always hated it when he managed to hurt a woman, but this was the first time that he actually felt that hurt as well. Still, it wasn't so much himself he was concerned about, but her and what he needed to do to fix the problem. He stood, put his clothes on and left the bedroom to find her. She was in the bathroom off the master bedroom. The door was locked so he knocked softly.

"Kate, are you okay?" Jack asked.

The door swung open violently and she ran right into him, knocking him backwards a little. He steadied himself and held onto her wrist as she tried desperately to pull away from him.

"No, you aren't running out of here pissed off. I want to know what I did to upset you." Jack told her, pulling her into him and grabbing hold of the other wrist.

"There is no limit to how low you will sink in order to achieve order and control in your life is there?" She seethed.

"Kate, what are you talking about?" He asked, genuinely confused by her anger.

"Stop it Jack. God I am such a fool. You really had me going Jack, had me believing you were actually starting to feel something for me, had me believing I was more than just a convenient piece of ass that is willing to take care of your kid. Fuck you!" She screamed.

"You're not making any sense Kate. Are you accusing me of pretending to be **that** into you just so I could charm you into moving in with me? Do you really think I'd invite a woman to share my house and my bed with me just so I'd never have to worry about a babysitter again?" Jack asked trying to remain calm with her.

"Isn't that exactly what you did? We fight over you treating me like the hired help. You promise not to do it anymore, fuck me while tossing in a sweet pet name and a few extra cups of passion and once you've turned me into putty in your hands you attempt to ensure we never fight over that issue again by asking me to move in here. God Jack, what the hell happened to you?! What made you such a cold-hearted son-of-a-bitch?!" She yelled, tears streaming down her face, her heart shattered and being completely irrational.

If she hadn't been so completely devastated he would've considered being offended and angry, but because she was clearly very badly hurt and melting down right in front of him he tried hard to let the things she was saying about him bounce off of him because in the past they probably would've been true even though he was certain he never used women in the manner she was accusing him of.

"Let's back up here a minute Kate. You initiated the sex not me. I was perfectly willing to be smacked across the nose and stay in my doghouse for awhile and have to work my way back into your good graces." Jack defended himself.

"It was different Jack, good different, like it really meant something to you." Kate said, wiping her tears away and calming down.

"As opposed to all the other times when it meant nothing." He stated, his words thick with sarcasm.

"That's not what I meant Jack and you know it." Kate shot back.

"Which is it Kate? Do I treat you like the hired help, a convenient piece of ass or someone that means something to me because I can't keep up?" Jack asked, still holding onto her wrists, his eyes boring into hers and revealing nothing, having lost the battle to remain calm.

"Is all of the above a choice?" She asked and watched his eyes go from nothing to message received, to acceptance and finally to a hint of regret.

"You're right, it was different. It was so….I don't know what it was but whatever it was, it was genuine and not me trying to manipulate you. I'm not good at relationships Kate and I'll be the first to admit it, but deliberate cruelty really isn't my thing." He said softly, letting go of her, walking over to the bed and sitting down.

She watched him for a moment, his body language suggesting what he'd just said was hard for him and the only things that were typically hard for Jack were the things that required him to tap into areas of his emotional make-up that are foreign or uncomfortable to him. She wanted to go to him, crawl into his lap, snuggle up and melt into his arms, but she resisted, not convinced yet that his proposed living situation was sincere.

"Why did you ask me to move in with you Jack?" Kate asked.

"Forget it Kate, I shouldn't have done that." Jack said and it startled her, afraid that if he was sincere he was about to regress and seek out the comfort zone of his detached demeanor.

"No Jack, I want an honest answer, whatever it is, as long as it's honest, I'll accept it and then I'll give you my answer." She told him.

"I don't know Kate, it just seemed like the next logical step. I like having you here and so does Sam and he really needs you, especially right now." He searched awkwardly for something that made sense because his sudden desire or need to make things between them as serious as he'd ever allowed any relationship he'd been in become made no sense to him.

She didn't respond. She just continued to look at him wondering if there was more.

"Shit, I don't have a good reason, nothing that makes sense. In that moment it just felt like the right thing and it still does. I just want you here because I do, but only if you want to be." Jack finally admitted.

He was so vulnerable and so far out of his comfort zone at the moment and she found it irresistible as she moved closer to him, drawn to him like a magnet. Her not admitting how deep her feelings for him ran was unfair to him because he had no idea how much emphasis she put on every little thing he did or didn't do. However, she believed she couldn't risk being that honest with him, not yet because she was certain he'd run as fast as he could if he knew. She crawled into his lap, straddling him, her face just inches from his.

"What about you Jack?" She asked.

"What about me?" He replied.

"You said Sam really needs me, but what about you, do you need me?" She asked feeling him squirm beneath her.

"Um…I don't…...I guess…..yeah, maybe a little bit." He finally choked the words out and she bit her lip to stifle the giggle that his struggle brought to the surface.

"What about me? Would it do me any good to need you?" She asked.

"I don't think you need anyone Kate, especially me. If you ever find that you do need me though, hopefully I won't let you down." He answered.

"I think that I probably have the same needs that you do Jack, the need for companionship, for something familiar, for something or someone to count on." Kate suggested trying to help him get in touch with his feelings a little bit.

"I've always counted on myself. So, what do you think? Do you want to try this?" He asked changing the subject.

"Do I get a raise if I move in?" She teased, deciding to back off and not push him too hard, too fast.

"A raise from the nothing that I pay you now shouldn't be too difficult to arrange." He chuckled.

"I don't want your money Jack, I told you, I'm helping with Sam because I love children." She said softly.

"Yeah, so what's your reason for putting up with me?" He asked, feeling her stiffen and then slide out of his lap.

"Come on, I'll help you finish up in Sam's room." She said and tried to walk away, feeling him grab her wrist again and forcing her to turn around.

"What did I say? Why'd you change the subject?" Jack asked.

"Nothing Jack, I'm just tired from all the fighting and all the emotion. I don't want to talk about it anymore today." She said and let him pull her back into his lap.

"That was a lot of emotion earlier Kate." Jack said his tone quizzical.

"Yeah, PMS I guess." She tried to shrug it off.

"I'd get smacked for suggesting such a thing, especially since we both know it's not true." He pushed, her not being the only one that could poke and prod.

"What do you want to hear from me Jack?" She sighed.

"I don't want or need to hear anything Kate, I'm just a little concerned about why you were almost every bit as hysterical as Sam was earlier. I'd like to understand where that's coming from so maybe I can be a little more sensitive to it in the future." Jack explained.

"I'm not crazy, overly sensitive, neurotic, depressed or on any type of meds that I've suddenly stopped taking if that's what you're worried about Jack." Kate said.

"So what's going on with you?" Jack asked.

"Jack, it doesn't matter, I'm just being a girl." Kate continued to resist.

"I've been with a lot of women and all of you act a little nutty once in awhile and have me convinced I'll never be able to figure any of you out, but that was something different, something I don't want to be responsible for doing to you again if I can help it." He told her.

"I just really like you a lot Jack and I guess I was feeling disappointed, you know like you said, I put you up on a pedestal and you fell off or at least I thought you did because I misjudged you and that's not fair to you and I'm really embarrassed and I'm sorry." She told him, refusing to make eye contact with him.

"Okay." He said and kissed her softly, feeling like there was more to it, but satisfied for now.

She moved closer and kissed him back, a deep, passionate kiss that eventually led to her pushing him back onto the bed and him rolling them over and pulling back for a moment. He looked at her with soft, watery eyes and lowered his head again, kissing her slowly, their mouths and tongues finding a calm, yet somewhat hungry rhythm while his hand moved slowly under her shirt, making its way to her breasts, his fingertips finding the nipple and pinching it gently through the fabric of her bra, ready to initiate more sex when he felt the light touch on his leg.

"Sam's here." He mumbled against her mouth while he slowly removed his hand from inside her shirt.

He rolled away from her and they both sat up, their faces a little flushed and their lips still wet and a little swollen. Sam stood in front of them looking sad and disinterested.

"Hey sweetie, are you feeling a little better?" Kate asked.

"My bed is broke." Sam said.

"I have to take it apart Sam so there will be room for your new bed." Jack explained.

"Where can I sleep?" Sam whined.

"You can sleep in here tonight if you want to." Jack offered.

"No, I don't want to sleep with you! I want my own bed!" Sam demanded, the high pitched whine the boy had suddenly developed running down Jack's spine like thousands of painful pin pricks.

"Okay, just settle down, we'll figure something out before bed time." Jack told him the sight of the depressed six year old starting to depress him.

"I want to lay down now! I want my bed!" Sam screamed, ready to have a full blown tantrum.

"There are two other bedrooms with beds Sam. Come with me and pick which one you want to sleep in just for today." Jack suggested as he stood and placed a gentle hand on the boy's upper back.

"No! I want Kate to take me!" Sam yelled and jerked away from him.

Jack kneeled down in front of him.

"Hey, let's settle down here. If you want something from Kate, ask her nicely." Jack told him.

"I want Kate to take me to my room god dammit!!!" Sam screamed in Jack's face, his tiny fists clenched, tears of anger welling up in his eyes.

"Sam, yelling isn't nice and don't say that word anymore." Jack said remaining calm.

"You yell at me and say bad words so I can too." Sam replied hatefully.

"No, you can't and I shouldn't either. Hey, instead of lying down, how about we play a game or something?" Jack offered, trying to diffuse the situation.

"No! You're a stupid liar and I hate you!" Sam yelled, kicking him in the leg, his angry tears finally spilling over.

Jack was at a loss and sat in front of the boy, speechless and not the least bit confident. Kate had stayed out of it up until that point, but Sam wasn't going to let up and Jack wasn't going to do anything about it so she finally moved off the bed and approached them. Jack looked up at her from his crouched position as the boy scrambled into her arms. She picked him up and carried him out of the room and down the hall to one of the spare bedrooms. She held him until he stopped crying and then laid him on the bed.

"I want to play Kate." Sam whimpered.

"Okay, why don't you lay here and calm down a little and when you feel like it, come out to the living room and play." Kate said sweetly, brushing the hair back away from his face.

"Will you still be here?" Sam asked.

"Yes, I'll be here Sam." Kate assured him and kissed him on the cheek.

Kate left the room and searched the house until she found Jack exactly where she'd found him earlier, on his hands and knees disassembling the bed. She sat beside him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder and he shook her off.

"It's okay Kate, he's got every right to hate me." Jack said as he pulled the bed frame away from the headboard.

"He doesn't hate you Jack, he's upset and he's lashing out at you." Kate argued.

"That's fine Kate, whatever he needs to do." Jack shrugged.

"It's not fine Jack. Everything is different for him now. You're his dad and he's not just upset and lashing out he's testing you and how you deal with him until he adjusts is very important." Kate insisted.

"And how should I deal with him Kate?" Jack asked in an aggravated tone.

"Well you shouldn't sit there and let a six year old verbally and physically abuse you Jack." Kate huffed right back at him.

"What should I do? Scoop him up into my arms and hug and kiss all his bad behavior away?" Jack shot back sarcastically and was sorry for it immediately.

"Showing him some affection once in awhile couldn't hurt, but don't do it if you don't mean it Jack because he'll know and that'll just widen the gap between you." Kate answered, ignoring the fact that he was currently lashing out at her because he was upset with himself.

"I'm sorry Kate and I am grateful you were there to comfort him because god knows I can't." Jack apologized.

"Jack it's only been a little over a month and you're making progress with him, I wish you weren't so hard on yourself." Kate said attempting to place a comforting hand on his shoulder again and not getting shaken off this time.

He stopped what he was doing and put his hand over hers for a moment before pulling it away and kissing the top of it.

"What if I never get any better at this Kate?" He asked.

"Jack." She sighed.

"No Kate, if I can't do this, if I can't be a good father will you promise me you will do something about it?" Jack pleaded with her.

"Do something? Like what?" Kate asked.

"You know what." Jack said his face and eyes conveying that desperate look that made her heart break for him.

"Yes Jack, I'll have Sam removed from your care if I truly believe that is what is in his best interest." Kate agreed knowing in her heart it was never going to come to that, but understanding he needed to punish himself right now.

"Did he really go back to sleep?" Jack asked concerned about the child's sudden need to sleep.

"No, he's calming himself down and then he's going to get up and play. He's probably going to keep pushing your buttons Jack and maybe the rest of today and tonight it'll be okay to let him get away with it, but you're going to have to nip it in the bud. Discipline is part of loving children." Kate told him.

"The headmaster at my school must've loved me dearly." Jack chuckled.

Kate smiled at him. It was the first glimpse of his childhood he'd ever revealed to her and she wasn't sure he was even aware he'd done it, but it was huge. Children that grew up attending public schools referred to the person in charge as the principal, children tucked away in haughty private schools or some distant boarding school referred to that person as the headmaster. She so badly wanted to poke and prod for more information, but she suspected he'd clam up so she let it go for now.

"So what kind of bedding did you guys buy for these new bunk beds?" Kate asked.

"Shit." Jack groaned.

"You bought new beds, but nothing to cover them with." Kate giggled.

"I guess we're going shopping again." Jack sighed, rubbing his hand over his short cropped hair.

"Well, that'll be good, it'll give him something to get excited about, take his mind off his mom." Kate said.

"Will you take him?" Jack asked.

"Don't you think we should go together?" Kate asked.

"No, I think it would be counterproductive. He'd probably just act out and make a scene in the store. I'll stay here and get this done and when you get back I'll take both of you out to dinner." Jack offered.

"You don't think he'll act out in a restaurant?" Kate asked.

"Don't know, but there's this place where I've been going for years and know everyone so if he misbehaves we won't get the looks." Jack said.

"Jack, are you sure?" Kate asked not liking that he seemed to be avoiding a confrontation with a six year old.

"Kate it's been a long, tough day for Sam so let's just do like you said and let him have the rest of today and tonight to be mad at me. Let him go out with you and be happy and pick out whatever he wants, hell, buy him a puppy if it'll help." Jack said.

She scooted into his lap, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

"It wasn't a puppy, but did it help?" She asked, hating that he was feeling so defeated at the moment.

"I'm fine Kate, let's worry about the six year old." Jack told her and then kissed her back.

"But if I wanted to go the extra mile later tonight just to make sure you're fine, you wouldn't object right?" She teased.

"I can't imagine objecting to anything you'd want to do to me." He answered in a soft, sexy tone.

"I don't want a new bed." Sam whined from the doorway, making both of them jump.

"Sure you do Sam, and you and I are going to go shopping and find the perfect blankets and pillows for it." Kate said as she kissed Jack one last time and moved off his lap, standing and walking toward the child.

"Just us?" Sam asked.

"Yep and your dad said if you're good you can pick out one new toy." Kate told him turning and making eye contact with Jack.

"Anything I want?" Sam asked no one in particular, but made eye contact with Jack.

Jack looked at the boy and then at Kate, unsure of what to say. He felt so bad for the child he'd probably buy him a new car if he asked for one, but he also knew that spoiling him with lots of "things" probably wasn't good parenting.

"Within reason." Jack answered.

"What's reason?" Sam asked.

"Kate will know." Jack said.

"Okay Sam, let's get your shoes on and go shopping." Kate said.

"I'll hurry!" Sam said excitedly and ran out of the room.

Kate walked back over to Jack, kneeled beside him and kissed him softly on the mouth.

"See, you do have instincts for this and I'm assuming within reason means less than twenty dollars." She asked.

"I have no idea Kate, that's why I left it up to you." He answered and laughed lightly.

By the time Kate returned with Sam, Jack had the entire bedroom cleared of furniture and was nowhere to be found. Sam had fallen asleep again in the car and she guessed the emotions of the day had worn him down. She had carried him into the house, laid him on the couch and covered him with a blanket and went to search for Jack. As she neared the master bedroom she could hear the shower running and a smile spread across her face.

Jack stood under the sprays of water hitting his body from all directions, head down, mentally drained. So many battles in such a short time frame had left him feeling inadequate and confused, but oddly more alive in some ways than he'd ever felt. He thought about her and the sex they'd shared earlier in the day and smiled as he considered that he'd have her in his bed every night and that she wasn't going to be there just for him to make to love to, but because he wanted her there, wanted her company not just her body and apparently she wanted the same. He continued to think about her and began stroking himself, wishing she were here, wanting to be inside her, his cock growing harder and harder with each stroke.

He heard the glass door open and looked up, his hand still gripping his dick, caught in the act and not the least bit ashamed or embarrassed. She looked at him, at what he was doing, at how swollen and hard and ready for her that he was and licked her lips in anticipation. She stepped inside and closed the door, completely naked and every bit as hungry for him as he apparently was for her.

He straightened his body and welcomed hers, pulling her close and about to speak. She placed two fingers over his lips to silence him.

"We can talk later." She said and stood on her tip-toes, kissing him passionately as he lifted her up, her legs straddling his waist, her hot, wet center rubbing over the hair on his lower abdomen. He moved to the wall of the shower and pressed her back gently against it, sliding her up enough for him to put himself into position and then pushing into her while allowing her to slide down onto him, her wet, hot hole swallowing him up and making it hard to breathe for a moment.

"You have no idea how fucking good that feels. Shit, hang on baby, this is gonna be hard and quick." He panted, so close to losing his load his body was beginning to shake ever so slightly.

He held tightly to her butt, her back against the cool tiles, thrusting hard into her, her legs clamping around him tighter with each and every thrust and her teeth sinking into the top of his shoulder as the tingling began. He could feel her walls begin to spasm, they'd be so tight around him in a moment and he'd be helpless to stop those slick, satiny clamps from making him release, not that he would've tried, he needed to come the minute she caught him masturbating.

He felt her teeth biting him harder as her arms and legs squeezed tighter and tighter and then he felt her tumble over the edge and went over with her, the simultaneous "Oh fuck!" so loud they were certain the neighbors heard.

He kept her pinned against the wall, the last of his semen shooting out of him, her pussy still quivering and clamping around him. When they were both finished he pulled out of her and set her down gently, pulling her in close and kissing her for a long time while the water streamed over their bodies. He finally broke the kiss and loosened the hold he had on her, allowing her to pull away if she wanted to. She didn't.

"Where's Sam?" He asked breaking the silence.

"He fell asleep on the way home. He's on the couch." She answered.

"We should wake him up, he's never going to sleep tonight." Jack suggested.

"Yeah, I guess one of us should dry off and go wake him up." She mumbled, her mind numb and her body wobbly as she continued to lean into him.

He could tell she wasn't the least bit interested in pulling away from him, her tiny frame snuggled tightly into his, her arms wrapped around his waist, hands clamped together on his lower back, just above his butt.

"Do you want me to wash your hair?" He whispered into her ear,

"I want you to wash all of me." She whispered back, the intimacy of the moment making it hard for her not to express her feelings, the three words on the tip of her tongue and about to slip out when they heard the knock on the shower door.

"I'm hungry." Sam's voice chimed through loud and clear.

"We really need to start locking doors around here." Jack chuckled.


	9. Chapter 9

She held tightly to his back as he made his final thrusts, grunting and groaning and finally the sounds of relief as he stiffened and filled her once again, the intensity as well as the frequency of their love making having increased considerably since he'd asked her to move in with him. It had been almost a month since he'd asked her to share his home with him and while he and Sam weren't making a lot of progress his relationship with Kate continued to thrive. He seemed to want her constantly and being wanted like that was always a turn on for her, as well as hope that he might actually be falling for her. She knew that making that much progress would take awhile, not because he wasn't feeling something very strong for her, but because him understanding that and actually coming to grips with what it meant would be quite a journey for him. It made her sad to consider what kind of lonely and loveless childhood Jack must've had in order for him to have become an adult who was completely closed off and out of touch with his emotions.

He moved off of her and rolled heavily on to his back, ready to welcome her into his arms when they heard the knock on the door.

"Kate, I'm so hungry, can I please eat now?" Sam begged.

Kate nudged Jack.

"Go back to bed Sam." Jack replied sternly.

"I'm not talking to you! Please Kate, I'm starving." Sam whined.

They could hear him lying down in front of the door, his feet lightly kicking it as he continued to whine and eventually began to cry.

"Kate that's pitiful. I don't think he should have to go to sleep hungry." Jack whispered.

"Jack, he's not starving. He had a good lunch and a snack before you got home. He'll be fine until breakfast." Kate argued.

"Maybe he could have a bowl of cereal. Something so his stomach won't be so empty." Jack suggested.

"Jack, he purposely dumped a plate of spaghetti into your lap and then dared you to make him go to his room. You made him go to bed and you have to stick with that punishment. It was a fair punishment. He won't starve, come on you're a doctor, you know that." Kate whispered and kissed him softly.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this Kate. Children should never go to bed hungry. They should never feel that isolated." He said and moved out of the bed.

She didn't argue with him. What he'd just said was a statement and not a guess as to how Sam might be feeling. It was personal knowledge of what it felt like to be sent to bed hungry so she let him go, let him make sure his son never knew that kind of isolation. She watched him pull his jeans on and then open the door, reaching down and picking Sam up and then closing the door. She could hear Jack talking to him and smiled.

"Are you going to dump your dinner in my lap again?" Jack asked.

"It was an accident." Sam said.

"Sam, we all make bad choices, but lying about it only makes it worse. You did it on purpose because you're angry with me. Right?" Jack coaxed.

"I don't know why." Sam whined in frustration.

"Okay, come on I'll make you a sandwich or something." Jack said.

"No! I want Kate to do it!" Sam yelled and fought to get out of Jacks arms.

"Kate's in bed. It's late Sam. You either let me make you something to eat or you can go back to bed." Jack said sternly.

Sam stopped fighting him and sat quietly at the bar in the kitchen while Jack made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He set the sandwich and cup of milk in front of the boy and watched, his patience wearing thin as the child continued to misbehave. He watched Sam poke his fingers into the bread and tear out small chunks, squishing them in his fingers and then dropping them onto the plate.

"Don't play with it Sam, eat it." Jack said.

"It's yucky, I wanted purple jelly." Sam whined.

"That is grape jelly Sam." Jack sighed.

"It's not the right kind, make me a different one." Sam said and pushed the plate at Jack, tipping over the cup of milk and pushing Jack's final button.

He snatched the boy off the barstool and carried him to his bedroom kicking and screaming. He put him in his bed, smacking his head on the upper bunk in the process and adding more fuel the anger he was trying desperately to contain. Sam immediately climbed back out of his bed, standing on the other side of the room and challenging Jack to do anything about it. Jack closed his eyes and took a long, deep breath.

"Get back in bed Sam." Jack told him.

"No, I hate that bed! It's stupid! You're stupid!" Sam yelled.

"Fine, sleep on the floor then." Jack said and approached him with a pillow and a blanket.

He waited for Sam to lay down and covered him with the blanket.

"We're done Sam. If you get up again you're going to be in trouble." Jack said.

"You're not my daddy." Sam hissed defiantly.

"Yes, I am." Jack said calmly.

"I hate you. I wish you died instead of mommy." Sam told him, his bottom lip quivering and losing his battle to keep from crying.

"I wish I could bring her back for you Sam." Jack spoke softly to him.

Sam rolled onto his side, ignoring Jack, punishing him, and as much as Jack was trying not to let it get him, it was. He finally stood and left the room and rejoined Kate. She snuggled up next to him and he wrapped his arm around her.

"How'd it go?" She asked.

"It didn't. He's still hungry and miserable." Jack sighed.

Kate was about to say something when they heard Sam outside their door again, laying on the floor whimpering.

"Kate, will you please see if you can settle him down? It's late, he's tired and hungry and just needs someone to comfort him and that someone isn't me." Jack asked completely frustrated.

"Jack, you can't give into this. I know he's been traumatized and misses his mother, but he has to know that what you say goes and that he can't run to me to undo everything you've done." Kate reasoned.

"Kate please, I can't deal with this anymore tonight. He hates me and he's afraid of me and he's just a little boy that shouldn't have to feel so alone. Please, go to him, do what you do, make him feel better." Jack pleaded with her.

Kate wasn't sure whose pleas were getting to her more, Jack's or Sam's. She moved off the bed, put a robe on and left the bedroom to settle the child down. She returned about 20 minutes later and snuggled back in beside him.

"Is he okay?" Jack asked.

"Sound asleep." Kate answered.

"I wanted to hit him Kate." Jack admitted.

"Jack, don't…." Kate tried to stop him.

"No, I did. When he dumped that glass of milk over I wanted to beat his ass all the way into the bedroom." Jack explained.

"But you didn't. You think you're the only parent that has wanted to spank their child?" Kate asked.

"He's doesn't mean to be bad Kate, he's just so angry. He's so small and helpless and I don't want to be the kind of adult that would hit a child. I never wanted to be a father Kate and this is why." Jack told her, his tone so frustrated and full of regret.

"Well that's too bad Jack because you are a father. I understand you're frustrated, but instead of beating yourself up for feeling a perfectly natural reaction to a child's bad behavior try patting yourself on the back for not acting on your emotions." She said.

"Pat myself on the back having enough restraint not to bully and whip a six year old? You should be kicking my ass for entertaining the idea." He grumbled, perfectly content to beat himself up.

"Can I ask you something?" She asked.

"I guess." He answered.

"Were you close to your parents?" Kate asked.

"No." He answered, followed by a quick "Goodnight Kate", which was his way of letting her know that topic of conversation was closed.

Jack's reaction to the difficult time he'd been having with Sam during their second month as father and son wasn't the least bit positive. He started coming home from work later and later each day, bringing work home with him or feigning exhaustion, anything to avoid interacting with Sam. Sam's reaction to being ignored was to withdraw, no longer attempting to get Jack's attention through positive or negative means. Nearly four months had passed and the gap between Sam and Jack was as wide as it had ever been, Sam still referring to him as Jack on the rare occasion he looked to him for anything and Kate had become the parent to Sam, the one he went to for everything, the adult he trusted to love him and keep him safe.

Kate's relationship with Jack remained exciting and strong in the bedroom, but seemed to have stalled on an emotional level. He seemed to care very much about her and his sexual appetite for her was insatiable, sometimes making love repeatedly throughout the night, leaving both of them exhausted the next day, but unable to keep their hands off one another the following night. It was a lot of sex and it was very good, but sex was all there was between them and it was beginning to feel like their relationship was sinking into a nothingness, a hole of sorts that she believed would swallow them eventually if what she was getting from Jack emotionally was the best he had to offer. They rarely spent time together just talking or just being together. That he seemed okay with the fact that he'd all but given up on Sam and was comfortable with letting her assume all responsibility for the boy was allowing feelings of resentment toward to him to fester and she knew she had do something or the end results were going to be disastrous.

He entered the bedroom quietly. It was close to midnight, but she was awake. She sat up and turned the light on.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." He said.

"You didn't, I was waiting up for you." She said.

"Mmm…lucky me." He teased.

"I waited up so we could talk Jack." She sighed heavily.

"Kate, I know I've been working a lot lately, but things have been crazy." He lied and sat on the bed.

"Jack just stop it, you've been working a lot so you can avoid Sam. You work all day and half the night, come home, screw me and start over fresh the next day. On the evenings when you are home you're buried in some file or trying hard to get buried inside of me. Is this good for you? Is this a life?" She asked completely frustrated with him.

"It's a life, but not the one you had planned I take it." He answered.

"Jack, you asked me if I would do what had to be done if you weren't what Sam needs. If this is it, the best you have to offer that child then you're going to force me to do what has to be done. I'm not his mother Jack and I resent that you've forced that role on me." She complained.

"Forced? You practically begged for it Kate and now that you've got it, you don't want it? What is this really about Kate?" He asked.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"I come home and screw you? I can be pretty out of touch Kate, but when a woman says something like that to me it typically means I'm not giving her what she needs. What do you want? Are you looking for some kind of commitment from me?" Jack asked.

"I want you to commit to being a father to your son Jack because nothing else is more important than that right now. Regardless of what happens between you and me, that little boy is going to be your son for the rest of your life." She pressed, not sure how to get through to him anymore.

"I don't know how to be a father to him Kate and he doesn't want me to be his father." Jack sighed.

"He's six years old Jack, he just wants to feel safe, secure and loved and yes, he does want that from you." Kate told him.

"I don't know how to do that." He said.

"Yes, you do Jack, you're just afraid to let yourself love that little boy, but more importantly you're afraid to let him love you. It's my fault. I've provided you the out you needed. Sam is safe and content with me, therefore you feel less guilty and have stopped trying." Kate said.

"No Kate, you've been great. Whatever is screwed up here is my fault." He argued.

"Of course you're to blame too Jack, but it's because I've allowed you to rely on me and be your crutch that you and Sam haven't made any progress. I allowed my feelings for you to cloud my judgment. Sam has to be my top priority, not you and not us." Kate told him.

"What are you saying?" He asked.

"I'm saying that we can't continue like this Jack. I need to move back into my own house and be Sam's advocate, not his mother. I'll help you find a good, reliable nanny so that he can continue to have structure and stability, but Jack you have to do the rest. He starts school in less than two weeks. If I were you I'd find a way to take some time off from your job, spend some quality time with him and prepare him for everything that is overwhelming and scary about the first day of school in a brand new school." Kate said.

He was quiet for a long time. He'd broken off relationships with women more times than he could count and while it was never something he enjoyed he always managed to just walk away and never look back, but this was different. He not only couldn't just walk away he was having a hard time remembering to breathe at the moment.

"Kate, I don't want you to move out." He finally spoke, the place that he had to go to in order to deliver that honest statement so difficult for him she could hear the emotional struggle in his voice.

"Jack, I know the idea of it just being you and Sam again scares you, but….." She tried to argue.

"No, it's not that. I'll figure something out for Sam so you can focus on your job again and I'll make more time for us." He said.

"Jack, I wasn't complaining or hinting. This isn't even about us." Kate said.

"It is about us and it needs to be about us. Sam shouldn't be your top priority he should be my top priority. He doesn't need you to be his advocate he just needs me to be his father." Jack argued.

"Jack, you can't declare you're suddenly going to be father of the year just to keep me from moving out. I'm sure your heart is in the right place, but your promising to be a great dad isn't going to change my mind. We have to put us aside and focus on Sam. He is the only thing that matters." Kate insisted.

"No he isn't. You matter to me Kate and maybe I didn't know that until just now and I probably don't treat you like you matter, but you do. Do I matter to you?" Jack asked.

"Are you serious?" Kate asked giving him a look that suggested he must be the most clueless individual on the planet.

"What?" He asked.

"Do you matter to me? Do you seriously not know the answer to that? Do my feelings for you not come through loud and clear every time we make love? God Jack, I'm in love with you and we both know I shouldn't be." Kate told him.

"Why not?" He asked.

"Because you're never going to return my love." She sighed.

"I'm not?" He asked, his simple one and two word comments in the form of questions beginning to piss her off.

"No Jack you're not and you know it, but that's not the point. Stop changing the subject. We're talking about what is best for Sam." Kate insisted.

"I'm not the expert here Kate, but I hardly see how you suddenly removing yourself from Sam's daily routine could be in any way what's best for him. You don't want to be his mom and I understand that, but you can still be his friend can't you?" Jack asked.

"I never said I didn't want to be his mother, I said I resented you putting me in that role as a way of shirking your responsibilities. Instead of us working together as a team, you've just gotten comfortable with me being his new parent while you continue to avoid bonding with him. It's crap Jack and the only way you're ever going to stop doing it is if I'm not living here where it's so easy for you to let me take on your parenting responsibilities." Kate said.

"You're right Kate, I've been a complete failure where Sam is concerned, but have I been a complete failure where you're concerned?" He asked.

"Not a complete failure." She answered, biting back a grin that didn't go unnoticed by him.

He let go of a breathy laugh, able to find the humor in his shortcomings, but more of a relief, hoping that perhaps he was going to be able to change her mind.

"Kate, I know that you are genuinely concerned about Sam, but this threatening to move out isn't about him, it's about us or me not giving you what you need. I'm trying Kate and I could give you a list of women that would testify to the fact that I don't try." Jack continued to plead his case.

"So why are you supposedly trying now? What besides the addition of Sam makes what we have any different than what you had with all those women you didn't want to try with?" She asked, her doubt stinging him in places he wasn't aware existed.

"I never felt like I needed whatever I had going on with them, not even with Sam's mother. She thought that I would've married her out of some sense of responsibility if I'd known she was pregnant, but she really didn't know me at all Kate because I wouldn't have. I would've taken care of them financially, but I still would've left her and my baby behind and moved to Los Angeles." He admitted.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better about us Jack? What kind of man would knowingly ignore his own child?" Kate asked.

"The kind of man that knows that his son would be better off without him around to constantly disappoint him." Jack sighed.

"That's a copout Jack and you know it, just like your believing you didn't need anything those women had to offer was nothing more than you running scared, too afraid to let yourself feel anything that might be real." Kate scoffed.

"No, that's not true Kate, if it were I'd be running from you instead of trying to convince you to stay." He defended himself.

"What does that mean Jack?" Kate asked.

"Kate I know what you want, need and deserve to hear from me, but I can't say it, won't say it unless I'm sure that's what I'm feeling. Right now, today I can look you in the eyes and promise you that my wanting you here with me has nothing to do with needing you to take care of Sam. I want you here because I need you. I need this and I want this and does that mean I'm in love with you? I don't know the answer to that Kate because I don't know what love is supposed to feel like." Jack explained.

"Oh Jack, you make my heart break sometimes. It's tragic that such a kind and caring man was obviously never loved when it mattered the most." Kate said his heartfelt confession delivered with a genuine sincerity in his eyes putting a lump in her throat

"Don't. Don't feel sorry for me. I don't want your pity and I don't deserve it. I've had a good life and have been afforded all the best opportunities. All I'm asking from you is some patience because I am trying here Kate. I'm working harder at this than I have ever worked at any relationship. I know I need to put the same effort into my relationship with my son and I have no good excuse for why I don't." He told her.

"Maybe because deep down you want to be a good father so bad that failing at that isn't something you can handle so when things aren't going well you just opt to ignore the situation entirely." Kate offered.

"Maybe, although I can't recall ever having any desire to be a father, good or bad." Jack admitted.

"Perhaps that is because like you said, you felt like you'd be a disappointment so you just never let it be something you wanted in your life, but none of that matters now Jack because you have six year old son that needs you to love and nurture him and I believe you can if you'll just relax and let what lives inside of you, what comes instinctively to you open its arms and welcome every bit of love that little boy wants to give you." Kate pushed, wanting desperately for him to believe in himself as much as she did.

"I'm going to try Kate. I promise this time I will be more mature than the six year old and try to build something with him. I will also figure out a better situation for Sam. Maybe I can find some kind of fun after school type of activity where they'll look after him, but keep him busy. I'll figure something out, but Kate my wanting you here isn't about Sam, it's about you and only you." Jack said moving closer and drawing her into a deep, wet passionate kiss.

She had no resistance when it came to Jack. She could see past all of his faults and beyond the emotional barriers and she liked what was there, actually she was completely in love with what was there and he'd just managed to fill a bit of the hole that was in their relationship. It wasn't a love declaration, but it was sincere and heartfelt. He laid her back onto the bed and she pulled out of the kiss, her arms still wrapped around his neck and gazing into his eyes. She rolled them over so that she was sitting on top of him, her hands slowly unbuttoning his shirt. There was no doubt they were about to make love, but she was determined to keep him talking while he was being so open and honest.

"There is something I want to ask you Jack and I want an honest answer." She said softly as she continued to undress him.

"Okay." He agreed.

"Did your parents abuse you?" She asked.

"No, that would've required them to acknowledge my existence." Jack answered, his tone flat with no hint of resentment, just acceptance.

"Who sent you to bed hungry Jack? Who whipped you?" Kate asked tapping back into the issues he'd encountered with Sam that had distressed him so much he'd all but thrown in the towel on building a relationship with him.

"What makes you think…….." He started, attempting to avoid the question, stopped by her kissing him softly and hugging him.

"You promised me honesty Jack." She said softly, laying a gentle palm on his face before sliding down and working on unfastening his pants.

"I had a few different nannies when I was a kid, none of them as charming and fun as Mary Poppins. I can remember being about Sam's age and walking into my dad's office and finding my nanny bent over his desk getting her monthly bonus I guess. He yelled at me and made her take me out of the room. She took me to my room, whipped me with a belt and made me stay there for the rest of the day and night, no lunch, no dinner, nothing. She did that a lot, especially when she was upset with my dad." Jack told her.

"I'm sorry Jack. Did your parents ever find out?" She asked.

"Nah, but they did send me away to boarding school when I was eleven and I managed to get three squares a day and the best education money can buy." Jack said.

"So you only saw your parents on holidays and in the summer?" Kate asked.

"No, my mom left us when I was seven and my dad really didn't want to be bothered with me so he sent me on group trips through the school during the holidays and to summer camps during the summer. My dad showed up for bragging rights when I graduated medical school, but I haven't seen or spoken to either one of them in years." Jack said his voice completely void of any emotion good or bad.

"I'm sorry about the tacky 'daddy hittin the nanny' comments I made when I first agreed to help with Sam." Kate apologized, his small reveal about his childhood making so much that had gone on between them make sense.

"It's not a big deal Kate, it's not something I dwell on." Jack sighed.

"Maybe not consciously, but your reluctance to hire a live-in nanny is an indication that those things are still with you. We'll make sure Sam gets taken care of, you and me, no nanny." She told him and lowered her face into the opening she'd created in his pants.

He pulled her up toward him gently, patiently waiting for her to slither her way up, teasing and taunting and rubbing along the way. He smiled at her and rolled her onto her back, closing his mouth over hers and kissing her slowly, his tongue finding hers and hungrily deepening the connection, hearing her moan and feeling her squirming below him. He pulled out of the kiss, brushing the wild curls away and staring deeply, intensely into her eyes.

"Tonight it's all about you and Kate, just so you know, I could never leave you behind whether you were pregnant or not." He said softly, easily the sweetest, most committed words he'd ever spoken to her.


	10. Chapter 10

He exited the bathroom dressed for a day of work, his body freshly showered and just the right amount of cologne to arouse her senses when he sat beside her on the bed. She opened her eyes and smiled at him, her body and her mind still feeling the effects of the previous night's activities.

"What time is it?" She asked.

"It's early. I'm going to take Sam out for breakfast. Do you want to come?" He asked.

"You don't have to do that Jack, I'll get up with him." She offered through a yawn.

"I have to start bonding with my son and there's no time like the present." He said.

"Just tell me you aren't making the effort to appease me." Kate said.

"I'm making the effort because it's important to you and you're important to me, but also because you're right. I want to be a good father Kate and I can't be a good father if I don't face what scares me and just dive in." Jack admitted.

"I know he scares you Jack, but he's a little sponge that is ready to absorb everything you are willing to teach him as well as every bit of love and attention you are willing to give to him and if you ever felt the desire to show him some affection I can pretty much guarantee he wouldn't refuse it." She reasoned.

"I think you're wrong there, but we'll see how it goes." Jack said with a hint of nervousness.

"Is it okay if I pass and let the two of you do this one alone?" She asked.

"Yeah, of course, want us to bring you something back?" He asked.

"Just you smothered in whip cream and strawberries." She teased.

"I think that's my fantasy." He said as he leaned in and kissed her.

"I know you don't like hearing it, but I do love you." She said softly pulling him in for another kiss.

"No, I like hearing it, I'm just worried I won't be able to live up to what it is you think you've fallen in love with." He said, his fingers gently caressing her face as he pulled back, looking down at her as if he were committing every detail to memory.

He continued to look at her and finally snapped out of whatever trance she had him in, kissed her once more and left the room. He walked down the hallway to Sam's room, found it empty and made his way into the living room. Sam was sitting on the couch, controller in hand and deeply engrossed in whatever game he was playing. Jack decided immediately that he didn't like how much time the boy spent inside playing video games and added nipping that in the bud to his lengthy list of things he wanted to do differently where Sam was concerned.

"Hey buddy, go brush your teeth and get dressed." Jack told him.

"I don't want to." Sam replied.

"I didn't ask you if you wanted to. Turn the game off Sam and do what I told you to do." Jack told him, remaining calm.

"I don't gotta do what you say." Sam spat back hatefully.

Jack calmly approached the boy, turned the game and the television off, took the controller out of his hands and picked him up. He walked with Sam into the bathroom and sat him on the counter. He put toothpaste on the child's toothbrush and held it in front of him.

"I can do it or you can do it. If I do it, you get to spend some time in the naughty chair. If you do it, you get to get dressed and go out for pancakes with me. What's it gonna be?" Jack asked.

"You don't got work today?" Sam asked.

"Yes, I do, but I have time to make sure you sit in that chair and don't move or I have time to eat breakfast with you. It's up to you Sam." Jack told him.

Sam let Jack move him off the counter and took his place in front of the sink, brushing his teeth thoroughly because he knew he was being watched. He then quietly made his way into his bedroom, put on some shorts and a shirt and his tennis shoes before walking back out to the living room and announcing he was ready to go.

Jack sat across from the boy, watching him stab at his pancakes, tear a hole in them and pour more syrup into the hole. He finally snatched the plate away from him, cut up the pancakes, poured syrup over them and set them back in front of him.

"Stop playing and eat Sam." Jack told him.

"Can we go to the park Jack?" Sam asked and then sighed heavily when Jack looked at his watch.

Jack noticed that the boy had given up on him, having already learned to recognize the signs of a father that was always too busy to have any fun with. He pulled his cell phone out and punched in a number.

"Dana, it's Jack. Listen, I need you to see if you can clear my schedule for the next couple of weeks." Jack said and winced, knowing he'd just burdened her with an impossible task.

"Dr. Shephard you have ten patients scheduled this afternoon alone. Are you serious?" Dana replied.

"I need to see Mr. Sayer and the Bryson kid, but the rest are consults that can be rescheduled and Dana, if you can pull this off, you can have the next two weeks off too, with pay." He bribed her.

"I'll see what I can do, but you'll be here in time for Mr. Sayer right?" She asked.

"I'll be there. Thanks Dana." Jack said.

He shoved his phone back into his pocket and looked at Sam who was nibbling slowly on his pancakes.

"Tell you what Sam, you stop playing around and eat until you're full and we'll go to the park." Jack offered.

"You won't. I heard you say you'll be there." Sam accused.

"I'm taking you with me. I need about 30 minutes to see two patients and then I'll be done for the day and we can do whatever you want. You can sit in my office and draw Kate a picture. Okay?" Jack bargained with the child.

"I can really go to your work with you?" Sam asked, genuinely intrigued and happy about the idea that he was going to get to go to work with him.

"Yes, but you have to be good and use your manners." Jack told him, the child's obvious excitement over being allowed to go to his office with him making him realize that Kate was right and that Sam would not only accept whatever attention he could give him, but was craving it.

"I'm full can we go now?" Sam asked excitedly making Jack laugh lightly.

"We have plenty of time Sam, so go ahead and eat or at least drink your milk." Jack told him.

Sam ate half of what on his plate and drank the full glass of chocolate milk. Jack took Sam to the bathroom so he could wash his hands and Jack wiped the milk moustache off of his face before escorting him out of the diner and into his car. They drove to the facility where Jack's office was which was connected to the hospital he worked out of by a long covered walkway. Sam saw the hospital and immediately became unhinged.

"You said I was going to your work!" Sam began crying.

"You are. Sam it's okay, my office is right there." Jack said pointing to the smaller building.

Sam didn't believe him and refused to get out of the car. Once Jack wrestled him out of the car, Sam sat down on the pavement and refused to move, the complete lack of trust Sam had in him bringing to light just how irresponsible he had been about breaking promises in the short time they'd been living together. Jack picked him up and Sam stopped fighting him, perched on Jack's hip, head down, small balled up fists up to his eyes as he cried, disappointed to the point of devastation. Jack walked with him and once they were in front of his building he stopped and turned so Sam could see the big hospital on the other end of the covered walkway.

"Look Sam, look how far away it is. See, I'm really taking you to work with me like I said I would." Jack coaxed, getting the child to lift his head and look.

Sam pulled his hands away from his face and looked up, his sad, tear-streaked face immediately transforming as he realized he wasn't about to be dropped off and forgotten for the day, the scene tugging at heart strings Jack wasn't aware existed, his eyes tearing up as he fought the large lump in his throat, the realization of what he'd done to this child, his child, and the personal knowledge of what it felt like to have that done to you making him wish he could have a do over.

He entered the building and headed straight for the restroom in the lobby, setting the child on the counter, wetting a paper towel and wiping Sam's face and nose, the evidence of his melt down slowly fading under the cool cloth. He considered apologizing to the boy, but realized that at this point his words were empty to Sam and that he'd have to earn the child's forgiveness and trust through his actions.

"Do you want to walk now?" Jack asked.

"To your work?" Sam asked.

"Yes, to my work." Jack answered.

"Okay." Sam said and let Jack lift him off the counter.

The exited the bathroom and Sam placed his small hand into Jack's. Jack held firmly to his hand and walked him down the hall to the entrance to the large waiting room and reception area that accommodated the doctors he shared the space with. He walked toward the reception area and stopped in front of the counter.

"Good morning Dr. Shephard. Who's your little friend?" One of the women asked.

"Good morning Tammy. This is my son, Sam. Is Dana around?" Jack asked taking note of the shocked faces of Tammy and the other five women behind the counter who were all obviously dying to stand up and see what Tammy was seeing.

"Yes, she's making copies, but should be back any minute." Tammy answered.

"Could you tell her I'm here when she gets back?" Jack asked, his tone soft, but professional, walking away without waiting for a response and disappearing down the hallway that led to his office.

Dana appeared less than a minute later and all the women turned to face her with questioning eyes.

"What?" Dana asked.

"Since when does Dr. Shephard have a son?" Tammy asked.

"He's six, so I guess since sometime in 2002." Dana shrugged.

"That gorgeous man has never mentioned a family. You've been holding out on us girl, does he have a wife stashed away some place too? Come on spill." Tammy urged.

" If Dr. Shephard wants to share the details of his personal life with you he will, but don't expect me to gossip about the kindest, most generous doctor I've ever had the privilege to work with." Dana said as she busily shuffled papers into their appropriate files.

"Kind and generous? He barely has two words for anyone and he works you to death. Are you getting some benefits on the side you aren't telling us about?" Mary, another one of the younger receptionists taunted.

"He's a busy doctor and yes that means I'm busy too, but he doesn't forget to appreciate me and not in the ways your dirty little minds are thinking. In case you've forgotten, men aren't exactly my thing. Is he here? Did he go to his office?" Dana asked.

"Yeah, he's here, he took his kid back there with him. Looks like he's about to add babysitting to the already lengthy list of things you do for him." Mary sniped.

"I considered it, but it would interfere with her picking up my dry cleaning and getting me coffee." Jack commented sarcastically making all of them jump and suddenly become too busy to look up.

"I've got the Sayer and Bryson files ready to go Dr. Shephard and Mr. Sayer is waiting in exam room 3." Dana told him.

"Thanks Dana, can you give me about 15 minutes and meet me in my office?" Jack asked.

"Yes, um do you need me to….." Dana searched for the right words.

"No, he's fine. He's instant messaging with Kate and since it takes him about five minutes to sound out a three letter word he'll stay busy." Jack chuckled, taking the file from Dana and disappearing down the hallway again.

"He's a brilliant doctor, but he's clueless when it comes to kids. Excuse me ladies, I think I'm going to go finish these files in Dr. Shephard's office." Dana said and disappeared down the same hallway.

Jack entered his office, noticed Dana sitting on the other side of his desk opposite Sam and shot her a questioning look.

"He's fine, he's just been asking me how to spell some words for him." Dana said.

"You didn't have to……" Jack started but was cut off.

"It's not a problem Dr. Shephard, he's very well behaved, but that doesn't surprise me." Dana said and smiled at him.

Jack laughed lightly at the absurd notion that Sam was well behaved, recalling when he too naively believed the same thing.

"He's just not warmed up to you yet. Did you manage to clear my schedule?" Jack asked.

"I've cleared it for today, but what about the two surgeries you have scheduled?" Dana asked.

"They aren't life threatening conditions and can be rescheduled." Jack said.

"Mrs. Pension is going to be pissed and Andrew Bryson needed to reschedule so you won't be seeing him today." Dana told him.

"Mrs. Pension is welcome to find another surgeon and ask Dr. Magnus if she can see Andrew for me." Jack suggested.

"I've worked with you for five years Dr. Shephard and you've never taken a vacation. Is everything okay?" Dana asked.

"Yeah, everything is fine, actually things are pretty great, I need to spend some time with my fam…….with Sam." Jack admitted.

"Good for you. He's pretty adorable." Dana said and stood to leave.

"Thanks and thanks for not gossiping with them Dana." Jack said.

"Of course. You have fun with your dad Sam." Dana said.

"I will. Bye Miss Dana!" Sam chimed happily.

Jack sat for a moment, the idea that he had nothing to do but relax for the next two weeks so foreign to him he had to give himself a moment to let it sink in. He looked across the desk at Sam.

"Are you still talking to Kate?" Jack asked.

"No, it was too hard. I don't read good." Sam said.

"You will don't worry. Are you ready to go to the park?" Jack asked.

"Will you play with me?" Sam asked his face close to pleading.

"Sure, let's stop by the house so I can change clothes." Jack agreed, the sight of the child's face lighting up as if it were Christmas bittersweet.

As they drove across the freeway the first rain drop hit the windshield, followed by another and then several more in succession.

"Great, it never rains around here until the one day you really need to be able to be outside." Jack mumbled under his breath.

He looked over at Sam, saw the disappointment on his face and tried to come up with an alternate plan. He entered the house with the disappointed child in tow. Kate was sitting on the couch messing with her Blackberry and looked up at them with questioning eyes.

"It's raining and we can't go to the park." Sam huffed and dropped himself onto the couch.

"What's going on Jack? Why did you take him to work with you and why are you home?" Kate asked.

"I took your advice and cleared my schedule for the next couple of weeks. We were going to go to the park, but it's pouring so we'll have to do something else." He said, kissing her quickly before straightening back up to loosen his tie.

"No we won't. You will just work here." Sam complained, extremely disappointed and ready to make it Jack's fault.

"Sam, let me go change my clothes and we'll find something fun to do." Jack stated calmly, but firmly.

"I don't want to do anything with you." Sam grumbled as Jack walked out of the room.

"Sam, it's not Jack's fault it's raining." Kate tried to reason with the child.

"It is too. He made us go to his work first and now it's all ruined b' cuz we waited too long." Sam whined, moving off the couch and turning the television and game system on.

Jack returned about ten minutes later to the sight of Sam once again engrossed in a video game and he wasn't sure why it suddenly bothered him so much, but he guessed it was because he finally took the time to care how Sam was spending his free time.

"No way kiddo. You aren't going to spend another day glued to flashing lights and exploding animation. Turn the game off and we can read a book. You want to learn to read right?" Jack offered getting an eye roll from Sam.

"That's stupid Jack." Sam sighed.

"Rolling your eyes and talking back is disrespectful Sam. Turn it off." Jack said sternly enough to get Sam's attention.

Sam moved angrily off the couch, punched the off button to the game system and then the television very hard and then stood with his arms folded over his chest, clutching the controller in one hand and pouting.

"Put the controller up Sam and we'll go find a book." Jack continued to instruct, remaining calm and collected.

"You put it up!" Sam yelled and threw the controller, striking the glass table top perfectly and causing it to spider web.

"Go." Jack ordered pointing toward the chair on the other side of the room that had been designated "the naughty chair".

"No! I'm sorry! It was an accident!" Sam protested.

"It wasn't an accident Sam, now go." Jack told him.

"No!" Sam refused and threw himself down onto the floor.

Jack reached down to pick him up. Sam kicked at him and managed to kick him in the nose, drawing blood instantly, the pain making his eyes water and bringing a sense of rage to the surface, the desire to pick the child up and throw him across the room almost uncontrollable. Kate ran to the kitchen to grab a towel, returning quickly and applying it to his face, hovering over him, coddling and trying to take care of him, something he wasn't used to or received very well.

"I'm fine Kate." He groaned and pushed her hands away.

"You're not fine, you're bleeding all over the place. Come sit down and let me put some ice on it." Kate continued to fuss over him.

"No, don't, god would you just stop." Jack snapped straightening up and moving away from her.

"Do I still gotta go to the naughty chair?" Sam asked.

"Do whatever you want, you always do anyway." Jack sighed in defeat and walked out of the room to tend to his nose bleed.

Sam grabbed his controller and walked toward the television to turn it back on.

"Sam, touch that tv and you'll get an extra 10 minutes." Kate said sternly, grabbing the child by the arm and leading him to the chair.

"I'm sorry!" Sam cried.

"I'm not who you need to apologize to Sam. Now you stay there until Jack comes out here and tells you it's okay to get up." Kate told him, sitting him in the chair.

"Don't go, stay here." Sam begged.

"I'll be back in a minute Sam, I'm going to make sure Jack's nose is okay." Kate told him and left the room.

Kate found him in the bathroom off the master bedroom, a cool cloth over the center of his face, head tilted back and fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. He saw her in the mirror and sighed heavily, dropping his head to its normal position and pulling the cloth away.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you. It shouldn't be this difficult Kate." He said softly.

"I hate to be the one to break this to you Jack, but raising children is difficult, especially under these circumstances." Kate told him.

"It's not difficult for you." He argued.

"Yes Jack it is, but the stakes aren't as high for me as they are for you. I'm not walking into it terrified of failing my child so I don't turn everything into a struggle. Jack you've got to try to relax and just do what comes naturally to you. Kids are very intuitive and know when they've got the upper hand emotionally. You've got to get that back and not let go of it again. Do you love him Jack?" Kate asked.

He was quiet for a minute or two, mulling the question over in his mind, as if there might be a wrong answer or perhaps the truth was too difficult for him to verbalize, especially to another person. He finally approached her, slipped his hands around her waist and pulled her close, looking into her eyes, searching or trying to find the courage, she wasn't sure which.

"Kate, last night I told you that I didn't know what love felt like, but I was wrong about that. I love both of you and it's the most unnerving feeling in the world. I almost told my assistant that I was taking time off to spend time with my family, like it was the most natural thing in the world, except I don't have a family because I keep fucking things up. For the first time in my life I'm afraid of losing what I've got." He admitted.

"You won't Jack." She tried to assure him.

"Kate I'm too disconnected from what most people come by naturally. I'm going to lose both of you because I don't have any idea how to hang on to you." He admitted.

"I don't believe that for a second Jack. If you were really as disconnected as you believe you are you wouldn't be standing here right now scared of losing something you've grown to care about. People who are truly disconnected don't care about things Jack. You are just resistant to open up to things that can hurt you. You probably closed that part of yourself off when you were a child as a defense mechanism and have become an expert at distracting yourself with anything and everything so that you wouldn't be tempted to let anyone in. You can let us in Jack, both of us. We aren't going to abuse your heart." She told him and kissed him softly.

"I've never felt like this Kate so apparently I've already let you in. How did that happen? Why now?" He asked completely confused by the new emotions he had been experiencing.

"I don't know Jack. It's a bit unnerving for me to hear that I'm the only woman from an apparently lengthy list, that has managed to get in, but maybe being confronted with a piece of yourself, with a child that needed you more than anyone has ever needed you were the initial chinks in the armor and the rest just slowly chipped away. He's so beautiful Jack, how could any father not feel pride and love?" Kate asked.

"You're both beautiful and yeah he is pretty great isn't he? Well, when he's not breaking tables or my nose that is. What about you? Do you love him?" Jack asked.

"Of course I do, I love all children." Kate answered.

"No, not like that Kate." Jack pushed.

"Yes Jack, I'm in love with your son. I've put my life's work, my passion on the shelf for him and I don't regret it. I'd do anything for him and for you." She answered honestly.

"I think we should spend the next couple of weeks finding someone to help us out with Sam so you can go back to helping children. I don't want you to give that up for Sam or for me." He said and kissed her.

"We'll talk about it. I'm going to go back out there with Sam. He's waiting for you to tell him he can move off the naughty chair." Kate told him, kissing him once more and pulling away from him.

"Okay, let me change my shirt and I'll be out." Jack said.

Kate walked back out to where Sam was. He was sitting quietly in the chair and looking a little guilty.

"Are you mad at me?" Sam asked.

"No Sam, I'm mad at what you did." Kate told him.

"Jack hates me more than ever now." Sam said.

"He does not hate you Sam and you know that." Kate said.

"He's mean, he made my mommy go away." Sam argued.

"No he didn't. I know you're very angry about losing your mother Sam and it's okay to feel that way, but Jack had nothing to do with it. She got sick baby, that's all, it's nobody's fault, but your dad is here for you Sam." Kate explained.

"He's not a very good daddy." Sam said sadly, bottom lip puckering and on the verge of tears.

"Oh sweetheart, he's trying. He knows he's made some mistakes and he wants to be a good daddy, but being a good daddy doesn't mean letting you do anything you want and never punishing you." Kate told the boy, kissing him on the cheek and hugging him.

Jack approached from behind, having heard the last part of their conversation, saddened a little, but not offended because the child spoke the truth. The brutal, honest truth is pretty much all any child knows at such a tender age.

"Five more minutes Sam and then I want to show you something." Jack said and left the room again.

As promised, Jack returned five minutes later with a key in his hand.

"Let's go." Jack said and held his hand out for Sam to take.

"Where are we going?" Sam asked.

"Out to that building in the back yard, there's something in there I think you'll like." Jack said and smiled at him.

"What's out there Jack?" Kate asked.

"It top secret, just for guys, but she' awful pretty so what do you say Sam, should we let her come too?" Jack teased making the boy grin.

"Kate can come too. What is it?" Sam asked excitedly.

"You'll see, come on." Jack said and led the child out the back door, the rain slowed to a drizzle and not enough to soak them as they followed the stone path to the building that sat behind the house, the building Kate assumed stored lawn care equipment and power tools, even though she'd never witnessed Jack using either.

He put the key in the lock, opened the door, allowed them to step inside ahead of him, closed the door and flipped the light switch, the small room lighting up and revealing an impressive model train layout that appeared to be a work in progress.

Sam's eyes widened as did his smile.

"This is awesome, can I make it go?" Sam asked as he climbed onto one of the stools beside the layout.

"Yeah, let me show you how to control them. We don't want any major derailments or head on collisions." Jack told him.

Kate stood back and watched them, Jack patiently instructing the boy on how to run the trains, speed them up, slow them down and stop them. He finally let go of Sam's hands and let him run the trains by himself. Kate walked up beside him and wrapped herself around him.

"You built this?" She asked.

"I'm building it yeah, I haven't had much time to work on it, but it's coming along. Ease up on the speed a little Sam." Jack said and then laughed lightly at the boy's pure joy as the two trains looked as though they would collide and then one switched tracks and they passed one another without incident.

"This is incredible Jack. I never would've taken you for a guy with a hobby like this." She said genuinely happy for the huge points he'd just scored with Sam, almost happier than he was.

"It's how I relax. I had this instructor, a teacher at the boarding school I lived at. I guess I seemed lonely to him or something because he started taking me to his home on the weekends and letting me help him build model layouts like this one. He had two daughters, one in my class and one younger and those weekends were fun. Kind of what it's like to have a family I guess." Jack remembered fondly.

"Can the people ride the train Jack?" Sam asked, slowing the trains down and ready to give one of the little statues a ride.

"They'll fall off Sam, but tell ya what, we'll go to the hobby store and find a car that's open so the people can ride. Maybe we'll even find some new people for the town." Jack offered.

"Can we get some ninja turtles for the town?" Sam asked excitedly, making both Kate and Jack laugh.

"We'll have to see what they have buddy, okay?" Jack said.

"Okay, this is the coolest thing I ever done, I can't wait to go buy some more. Can we go now?" Sam asked.

"Maybe later Sam. You have to show me you can behave and do what I ask." Jack bargained.

Sam stopped the trains, and stood up on the stool facing Jack. He wrapped his arms around his neck and squeezed as tight as he could, taking Jack by surprise and unsure how to react.

"Thank you Jack. I'll be good. I'm sorry I made your nose bleed." Sam said softly and kissed him on the cheek.

Jack patted the boy's back gently and then pulled him back so he could look at him, noticing that Kate pulled away from him instantly and in obvious disgust and disapproval exited the building making the excuse that she needed to fix them some lunch.

"Can we play until lunch is ready?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, sure." Jack said, a little distracted by what had just happened, but shaking it off and refocusing on playing with Sam.

They played with the trains until it was time to eat, shut everything off and entered the house. Sam ate his lunch and asked if he could rest on the couch and watch a movie. Jack agreed and cleaned up the lunch mess. He entered the living room and Sam was asleep. He covered him with a blanket and went to find Kate. She was lying on her side on the bed staring at the wall. He decided it was best to just dive in.

"So let's hear it." He said.

"Hear what?" She mumbled.

"What I did wrong." He said.

"You did something wrong?" Kate asked.

"Apparently I did so let's just cut the bullshit Kate and tell me what I did that pissed you off." Jack said angrily, feeling like he'd finally done something right where Sam was concerned, but apparently it wasn't up to Kate's standards.

"Jack why is it that you can hold me, touch me, kiss me, make love to me with so much passion that it takes my breath away and you can't hug your son?" Kate asked.

"He surprised me Kate. I didn't know what he expected from me." Jack defended himself.

"God Jack is it really that difficult for you? Do you not have any desire to hug him and kiss him and hold him?" Kate asked.

"What if he doesn't want that from me? I don't want to force myself on him Kate." Jack said the frustration of feeling like he'd failed again coming through in his voice.

She looked at him. He was not only afraid of failing Sam, but he was also afraid of being rejected by him. She patted the bed and he moved toward her, sitting on the spot and watching her sit up to join him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, kissed him softly and then hugged him, feeling him immediately return the hug, not the least bit willing to let her go any time soon.

"I can't think of anything that feels safer and warmer than this Jack. When you hold me like this I feel like I matter to you. If you were to project this same intensity onto Sam he would want it, accept it and return it." Kate assured him.

"You do matter to me, more than anyone ever has." He said softly before closing his mouth over hers and laying her back onto the bed.

He needed her, needed to be inside her, needed to physically express the love he'd finally found the courage to admit to her. They made quick work of each other's clothes, coming together with a loud moan.

"I love you so much Jack and I believe in you, I always have." She spoke softly as he held his position, his cock throbbing inside of her, his body hard and hot.

"I love you too, so much." He panted as he pulled back and thrust into her hard and deep.

He took her hard and for a long time, his need, his passion and his frustrations pouring out of him with each thrust, but more importantly the love he'd been denying was finally set free and the more he allowed himself to feel it, the longer and deeper he went, making her cry out so loud he muffled her by closing his mouth over hers, not wanting to wake Sam and end their love making prematurely. He rolled onto his back and then sat up with her in his lap, their bodies glued together and the heat between them making them sweat as he continued to thrust upward, his hands on her ass, his mouth on her neck and his cock filling her in ways she'd never been filled.

"Jack, I'm going crazy, make me come please." She pleaded.

He rolled her back onto her back, sped up and brought them both over the edge, his mouth locked firmly over one of her nipples while he filled her with his juices, grunting and groaning and licking and sucking like he'd literally explode if he didn't latch onto something and then finally nothing, his sweaty body draped lightly over hers, his cock still buried deep inside her, his breathing labored, but settling along with the rest of him.

"Shit, we left the door open. I better get dressed before we get busted." Jack huffed.

"I don't think so stud. Let's get under the sheets and take a nap, I'm not done with you yet." She told him, making him laugh.

He moved off of her and the bed long enough to shut and lock the door. He rejoined her under the sheets where they snuggled up together and slept until Sam woke them.

They spent the rest of day an evening like a family. Playing with the trains one more time, taking a walk after dinner and Sam allowing Jack to help him with his bath, the first time he'd asked for Jack in a long time.

Jack stood in front of the bathroom mirror behind the boy battling the thick, overgrown locks of hair, trying not to pull too hard and hurt him.

"You need a haircut before you start school." Jack told him as he fought the cow licks that didn't want to stay down.

"I'm not going to school." Sam said sadly, the tone getting all of Jack's attention.

He picked Sam up and sat him on the counter, the best way to be at eye level with him, in charge of the situation, but not towering over him and intimidating him.

"Why do you think you aren't going to school?" Jack asked.

"Because my school is way far away where mommy lives." Sam said his big eyes filling with tears and getting to Jack.

"Sam, you have to stop this. Your mom is gone and she's never coming back." Jack spoke softly, but sternly.

"She is too! She loves me!" Sam screamed and tried to push him away.

Jack kept his hands planted on the counter on either side of Sam.

"She does love you Sam and she would come back if she could, but she can't." Jack told him.

"No, please make her come back Jack, I'll be good, I promise." Sam continued to cry, completely melting down on him.

Jack wanted to call for Kate. He couldn't stand for the child to be so distraught and confused. He closed his eyes, took a few deep breaths and let what came and felt natural take over. He picked the boy up and held him close, hugging him while moving a comforting hand over his back, a move that Sam immediately responded to, wrapping his arms around Jack's neck and letting him hold him.

"I'm so sorry son, I know you're hurting and if I could make her come back I would, I would do anything to take your pain away. Your mom wanted us to be together Sam and I want us to be together. I'm your dad and I love you and I'm so happy that you came here to live with me. Jack whispered softly into his ear, holding snugly to him and placing a soft kiss on his temple.

"I love you too daddy." Sam whimpered and hugged tighter, his small body still jerking slightly against Jack's as he began to settle down.

Jack tightened his grip on the child, holding him as close as he could and squeezing, the tears streaming down his own face and the ache in his chest surprising him, but in a good way.


	11. Chapter 11

She squirmed slightly to squash the quivering of anticipation brought on by his slow, careful removal of her panties followed by his hot breath and five day growth methodically making their way up the inside of her thighs. The tickling and scratching against the soft, tender skin of her upper thigh the last thing that registered before his wet, hot mouth closed over her clit and rendered her incapable of thinking. She closed her eyes and moaned loudly, feeling him smile against her briefly before continuing on, his tongue splitting her folds as it moved slowly up the crease, stopping at its intended target and flicking the very tip gently before sucking it into his mouth again.

"Ohh….my……..god..." She moaned loudly and tried to close her legs and trap him, enjoying what he was doing immensely and not willing to let him escape.

He pulled his mouth away, chuckling at the loud sighs of frustration, nudging her legs back to the position he wanted them while kissing and nibbling over the outside edges of her pussy, just inside the creases where her legs and hips joined, smelling her need as the wetness flowed from within her. She felt his mouth latch onto the soft, tender flesh of the inside of her thigh, relieving some of his own desperation by marking her hard and then lifting his head to look at her, her eyes no longer closed, but full of fire and staring right at him. He looked right at her and pushed a finger inside her, the move making her close her eyes and tilt her head back, her body so close to exploding that she felt like she needed to brace herself for it.

"Look at me Kate." He said softly, his tone more desperate than demanding.

She opened her eyes and they watched one another while he slowly moved his finger in and out of her, adding a second finger and taking a deep breath as her wetness began to soak his hand. He dropped his head and sucked her clit into his mouth again causing her entire lower region to stiffen for a moment and then begin to shudder and shake against him as she tumbled over the edge, leaving her satisfied for the moment and ready for him to make sweet, slow love to her. He was busy kissing her stomach below her belly button and could feel her toes seeking him out, finding his erection and gliding slowly over it with her feet. He stopped kissing her tummy and looked up at her.

"Careful, you're about to make a mess." He warned the odd, but sensual sensation of having his cock pinned to his body while her toes moved slowly up and down was coming close to getting it's desired effect.

She stopped and held her toes firmly to the underside of his cock, just below the head, licking her lips and then grinning at him.

"You know Jack, letting you come all over my foot and then watching you suck yourself off of my toes would be incredibly hot." She purred in a sexy, teasing fashion.

He pushed her foot away and moved up and over her body, hovering over her, his face just inches from hers.

"Baby, that is never going to happen." He told her and closed his mouth over hers.

They pulled their bodies together, kissing passionately. Jack rolled onto his back, pulling her over with him, her warm, soft body draped over his, trapping his throbbing penis between them. She pulled out of the kiss, both of them beginning to pant out of need. She lifted herself up enough for him to put himself into position and connected with him, his hard cock sliding into her like a hot knife through butter, making him groan and grab hold of her ass with both hands. She began sliding up and down slowly, allowing him to match her movements and falling into a perfect rhythm. They kept up a slow continuous pace, savoring long, tongue-dueling kisses as both of them enjoyed the slow journey to release, verbalizing just how much they were enjoying it in-between kisses. He could feel her orgasm taking hold of her and sat up, holding her close, continuing his hard, slow, deep thrusts and allowing himself to join her as soon as her first cries of release began. They sat together, holding each other and calming one another. He moved his mouth to her ear and sang softly to her.

"Slow ridin' woman you're so fine."

She giggled and kissed him once more before pulling back to look at him, arms wrapped around his shoulders, their bodies still joined.

"Scruffy faced gorgeous relaxed man making love to me in the middle of the afternoon and singing Foghat songs to me. I think I could get used to the chilled out version of Jack Shephard." Kate complimented.

"Well, don't get too comfortable with him, he'll being paying dearly for these two weeks, but it's definitely been worth it so far." He spoke softly, calmly, contently.

"I agree even if you are too big of a prude to suck on my toes." She laughed.

"You know Kate expecting me to not only suck on your toes, but eat my own semen while doing it is above and beyond." He said and pretended to shudder.

"I swallow all the time, it's not that bad." She argued.

"Ah, but you swallow because you choose to, not because I ask or expect you to. I'd never ask any woman to swallow or even spit for that matter." He said.

"What's the big deal Jack?" She laughed, pushing him backward onto the mattress, sliding off of him and snuggling up next to him.

"I had this girlfriend once, briefly, very briefly. The first time I let her go down on me she insisted I come in her mouth and then she kissed me and deposited all of it into my mouth, giggling as if she'd just played the cutest trick ever. That's probably the only time in my life I ever wanted to punch a woman. I love what you do to me Kate...........a lot, but I'd still love it just as much if you pulled away at the last second. That shit is nasty." He groaned.

"You're so cute Jack." She giggled again, finding his aversion to toe sucking and his own semen amusing.

He rolled her over onto her back and kissed her for a long time.

"I should get up. I promised Sam we could go to the park when he wakes up." Jack said.

"He'd probably rather play with those trains." Kate said.

"Yeah, I know, but it's a beautiful day. The trains should be saved for days when he can't be outside getting fresh air and sunshine." Jack said.

"Fresh air? In Los Angeles ?" Kate laughed.

"It's not so bad here. We're far enough away from the city. They're supposed to be delivering the play gym in the morning. He'll be able to get fresh air and sunshine in his own backyard from now on." Jack said.

"So are you going to assemble that thing by yourself?" Kate asked.

"No, Sam is going to help me." Jack said.

"It's hard to picture you putting something together, but I have to admit the whole tool belt fantasy makes me pretty horny." She teased.

"I don't own a tool belt, but will stop and buy one if it's going to get me laid." He laughed and kissed her some more.

"Daddy, I'm awake. You said we get to go as soon as I was awake." Sam's barely awake voice mumbled through the locked bedroom door.

"Okay Sam, give me ten minutes." Jack called out and smiled down at her.

"You really like that don't you?" She asked and brushed her hand lightly over his cheek.

"What's that?" He asked.

"Being called daddy. You're eyes almost sparkle every time he calls out to you like that. It's quite beautiful actually." Kate said making him uncomfortable, but she was right, he did like it.

"We're making some progress." He finally answered.

"You are, very good progress. Can I come to the park too?" She asked.

"Of course, I'll even buy you a purple snow cone when you're done playing." He offered.

"I want a red one daddy." She teased.

"That's kind of hot Kate. I'll suck your toes if you'll dress up like a naughty school girl and let me spank you." He teased, covering himself as she began slapping at him.

"Daddy! It's been 10 minutes!" Sam yelled through the door making both of them laugh.

"Okay Sam, we're coming." Jack called escaping her slaps and tickling, sliding off the bed, grabbing his clothes and disappearing into the bathroom.

Kate sat on the picnic table cooling off and catching her breath watching Jack repeatedly lifted Sam up to grab the monkey bars, his arms not strong enough to manage more than a couple of them before having to let go and drop to the ground, but refusing to give up. She watched the little girl wander up to Jack, him not noticing her and nearly knocking her over when he backed up. She couldn't have been more than 4 and sucked him in immediately. He kneeled to her level and talked to her for a moment and Kate felt her insides fluttering. The man was adorable with children, not to mention sexy and it came so naturally to him that she wished he could've always been as at ease where Sam was concerned, but knew that relating to other people's children was always much easier than relating to your own because the fear of failing isn't there and that fear was very big and very real for Jack.

She watched the pretty, young woman approach Jack, she guessed the girl's mother and felt another kind of fluttering in her stomach, this one jealousy over the way she was so obviously flirting with him. The feeling calmed though when she saw Jack shoot her down. The little girl stayed behind wanting Jack to play with her too so he began the chore of lifting each child up to grab the bars repeatedly. Sam immediately became jealous of the attention Jack was giving to the little girl especially when Jack suggested they try the teeter-totters for awhile so he could take a break and rest.

Jack joined Kate on the picnic table, kissing her and Kate deepening the kiss just to make sure the shameless flirt got a good view of them. They sat quietly and watched the two kids bore quickly with the teeter-totter. Sam ran toward the picnic table with the little girl on his heels, apparently happy to have a playmate.

"Daddy you rested enough, come play with me." Sam insisted.

"Okay, how about I push you and your little friend on the merry-go-round for awhile." Jack offered.

"No, she can't come." Sam refused.

"That's not nice Sam, she can play too." Jack corrected him.

"You're my daddy not hers." Sam pouted.

"Sam there's enough of me to go around." Jack reasoned, flattered, but not liking the boy's selfish attitude.

"No! It's just sposed to be us!" Sam yelled and shoved the little girl down to the ground, the back of her head slamming hard into the ground.

Jack came off the table immediately, kneeled to where the girl lay on the ground and sat her up waiting for her to catch her breath and let go of the cry that was building. The girl's mother ran toward them angry and ready to pounce. She grabbed hold of Sam by the arms and began screaming at him which brought Kate off the table.

"Get your hands off of him!" Kate demanded, pulling Sam away from her and putting him behind her, daring the woman to make a move.

"Kate will you please take Sam to the car?" Jack asked, trying to examine the screaming child's head and diffuse the situation at the same time.

"I should sue you people!" The woman snapped.

"I'm sorry he pushed your daughter down, but she's okay, just a small bump." Jack apologized as he stood, bringing the child up with him and handing her to the very angry woman.

"Thanks but if it's all the same to you I'll get a doctor's opinion and I'll be sure to send the bill to you." She spat hatefully at him.

"I am a doctor, it's just a bump. Again I apologize and I can assure you he'll be punished." Jack remained calm.

"Prove it. Bring him down here right now and punish him." The woman demanded.

"Ma'am I think you should probably try to calm down. He's six years old and made a mistake, but if you think I'm going to bring him down here and humiliate him so you can feel better you're sadly mistaken. I am sorry he pushed your daughter, but I assure you she is fine." Jack said and walked away from her before she had a chance to respond and piss him off.

They entered the home with the sad, defeated six year old dragging his feet, knowing he'd just lost his video game privileges for the evening or worse. He let himself fall onto the couch looking as pitiful as possible.

"Are you guys hungry? I can make us some dinner." Kate offered.

"You don't have to do that, we can order something." Jack offered.

"It's fine, I'll throw something together while the two of you talk about what happened today." Kate said and left the room.

"Come on Sam, I need a shower and so do you because you're going to bed right after dinner." Jack said seeing the boy tear up immediately and looked away before it got to him.

Sam didn't throw a fit or plead with him, he just sadly and quietly took a shower. Sam sat on the counter in the master bathroom in his pajama pants while Jack tried to comb the mop of hair on his head.

"Next week you and I are going to the barber shop for a close shave and a haircut." Jack told him.

"I can't shave." Sam sighed.

"No, you can't, but I think you're ready for the special kind of shave that only the barber gives." Jack told him offering a comforting smile, the child's depressed demeanor starting to depress him.

Sam just hung his head, not interested in feeling better. Jack put his fingers under his chin and tilted his head up to look at him.

"Hey buddy, it's not the end of the world. You made a bad choice today and you have to go to bed early so maybe next time you'll think before you react. Tomorrow when you wake up we'll build the play gym together like I said we would." Jack told him, his tone calm and comforting.

"Do you hate me again?" Sam asked his big eyes full of tears and his bottom lip puckering.

Jack lifted the boy off the counter and set him down, helping him slip a white t-shirt over his head before taking his hand and leading him out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. He sat on the bed and pulled the boy into his lap.

"Sam, I know I've not been a very good dad, but I have never hated you and I never will. I love you son and every day that I get to spend with you, I love you even more." Jack told him, hugging him close to him and kissing the top of his head.

"You didn't love me more today cuz I was bad." Sam argued.

"I did love you even more today because I understand why you were so angry and it makes me feel good to know that you like doing things with me so much you don't want to share the time with anyone else, but you can't push people around just because you're angry Sam, especially girls." Jack explained.

"So you still want to be my daddy even if I'm not good?" Sam asked.

Jack turned the boy around in his lap until Sam was straddling his legs and made him look at him.

"You are good Sam and I will always want to be your daddy no matter what." Jack told him, smiling at him and kissing him on the forehead.

"Can I go play now?" Sam asked his depressed mood seemingly gone.

"Can I have a hug first?" Jack asked.

Sam went up on his knees and hugged him tightly.

"I'm glad you're my daddy." Sam said softly, kissing Jack on the cheek and scampering away.

Jack lay back on the bed and closed his eyes, the conversation with his six year old feeling like it had exhausted him. He felt her crawl up next to him and opened his eyes.

"Everything okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, I was just thinking about what my life was like before you and Sam." He said.

"Yeah, so what was it like?" Kate asked laughing as he suddenly sprang up and rolled her onto her back, hovering over her.

"Empty." He said softly and kissed her.

As they lay in each others arms later that night, their sweaty satisfied bodies cooling under the ceiling fan and both close to sleep, he let his hand move softly over her warm, soft skin allowing his fingers to glide gently over the scar on her bikini line and feeling her tense up for the briefest of moments. He let his hand come to rest over her stomach and listened to her breathe, her mind and body drifting off to sleep while his mind was deep in thought.

He'd known since the beginning that Kate couldn't have children, the condom and birth control game they'd been playing an obvious exercise in trust for both of them and nothing more. When her broken body was wheeled into the ER, scans were done over every inch of her and he noticed the missing uterus then as well as when he'd opened her up to remove her damaged spleen and explore the rest of her internal organs for bleeds the scans might not have indicated. The hysterectomy was noted as part of her medical history, but not something that was ever brought up or discussed, her current injuries the only thing of interest to him at the time.

In the beginning he never brought the subject up because for Jack, the less personal history he knew about the woman he was sleeping with the better and as he lay with her, listening to her breathe, he realized that he had managed to fall in love with someone he knew absolutely nothing about. Had it really not occurred to her that her surgeon would've notice her uterus was missing? Apparently not, since she'd been carrying on the birth control deception for as long as they'd been sleeping together. However, he didn't pry, hoping she would open up about it on her own. Her inability to have children was not an issue to him, but he was concerned that she seemed to feel like she needed to hide it from him. Was she afraid he wouldn't want her anymore or was it just something that was too painful for her to talk about?

He felt her turn a little and snuggle a little closer to him, in a deep, peaceful sleep and looking as content as human-being could look. He sighed contently, kissed the top of her head and allowed his brain to shut down and sleep, deciding he'd find the right moment and just ask her about it.


	12. Chapter 12

She wasn't sure whether she felt the light kisses along her jaw and neck or if she smelled the coffee first, but decided that both were a pleasant way to wake up and opened her eyes. He sat beside her, warm eyes gazing back into her sleepy ones, smiling and dressed for the day.

"Hey." He said sweetly and kissed her softly.

"Good morning, what time is it?" She asked through a yawn.

"It's early, but I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye." He told her.

"Where are you going?" Kate asked.

"Since Sam's been up since five and I need to go to the hardware store before we can start on the play gym and he's climbing the walls, I thought I'd take him down to the school this morning instead of on Monday and get that taken care of." Jack said.

"Do you guys want some breakfast?" Kate asked.

"We're good. I made him breakfast, watched a couple of cartoons with him, helped him pick out something to wear and he seems excited about seeing his new school so we're going to go take care of that. The coffee is fresh." He said.

"Do you need me to come with you?" She asked.

"No, I think I can handle it." Jack said.

"Are you sure? Do you have his birth certificate and shot records and……" Kate asked, sitting up now and holding the sheet over herself.

"Kate, it's fine. I've got all the documents together. He's up to date on his vaccinations and I have the paperwork from the Kindergarten he attended in Baltimore. We'll be fine." Jack told her, kissing her and gently pushing her back down onto the mattress.

"Of course you will. You two have fun." Kate said and smiled at him.

When Jack returned with Sam he noticed Kate's car was gone. She left him a note telling him she had errands to run. He fed Sam a snack and the two went outside to tackle the job that was much too large for a six year old boy, but Jack wasn't about to suggest he not be allowed to help.

Kate pulled into the driveway of the home she'd been sharing with Jack for months, stepped out of the car, grabbed her laptop and her purse and turned to face the approaching neighbor and her daughter.

"Hey Christy." Kate said as she pulled the strap to the laptop over her shoulder and closed the car door.

"Hey yourself, busy morning?" Christy asked.

"Yeah, things are going really well with Sam's adjustment so I'm diving back into my work." Kate said.

"I'll say, I've lived next door to Jack for almost five years and this is the first time I've ever known him to take an actual vacation from his work. He must really be enjoying being a dad, of course Rick and I always suspected he would be good at it. My kids love him." Christy said.

"He's made some really positive progress with Sam lately. They're mirror images of stubbornness and that's entertaining to watch sometimes. He's a good man and someone Sam should have in his life, it just took a while to convince Jack of that." Kate sighed not sure she should be talking so openly about Jack's private life to the neighbor she'd come to know pretty well, but not well enough to divulge just how badly Jack had struggled with accepting his role as a father.

"He's obviously happier than I've ever known him to be and I doubt that's all about Sam. Maybe the two of you can fill that big house of his with children some day." Christy said.

"So, what are you and Sadie up to?" Kate asked changing the subject quickly.

"Are Jack and Sam home?" Christy asked.

"They should be. They're probably in the backyard. Why?" Kate asked.

"We're taking some of the kids to the beach, kind of a little back to school party and I thought I'd invite Sam to come along with us." Christy said.

"That's very kind of you, but you'll have to ask Jack. Sam's been in trouble so he might not want to let him go. Come inside and we'll find him." Kate said and led the woman and her daughter into the house.

They entered the home, found it quiet and empty and moved toward the door that led to the backyard. They walked out onto the back patio just in time to see Sam knock over a pile of neatly stacked planks of wood. Jack simply shook his head and began the task of restacking them. Christy was giggling at them, but Kate appeared to be mesmerized. Christy looked back out into the yard to try to understand what had Kate so captivated. She watched Jack, shirtless, sweaty and blue jeans hanging perfectly on hips; lifting the wood and stacking it on a higher spot out of Sam's reach and agreed it was a sight to behold.

Jack noticed the two women and the little girl watching him and stopped what he was doing. He found himself somewhat entranced by Kate who was wearing a very professional looking skirt and blouse that hugged all of her curves and high heels. She had her hair pulled back and up and looked very professional and sexy as hell. He was certain there was a fantasy to be fulfilled in there somewhere and then shook his head, laughing lightly at himself and how easily she could arouse thoughts of naughtiness within him.

"Would you two like some alone time?" Christy teased snapping Kate out of her trance.

"What, I'm sorry I guess my mind wandered." Kate apologized, the slight flush on her cheeks showing her embarrassment.

"Kate if that was standing in my back yard my mind would be wandering too." Christy told her and patted her on the shoulder.

Jack approached them, leaving Sam busily pounding nails into the board he'd given him to make him feel like he was helping. He was using his discarded t-shirt to wipe the sweat from his face and neck. He leaned in and kissed Kate and smiled at the threesome.

"What's up ladies?" He asked.

"Rick said to tell you that that is a two man job and he'll come over and help you with it tomorrow." Christy said.

"Rick is right, that thing is kicking my aa….butt. How's it goin Sadie?" Jack asked moving his hand lightly over the little girl's pigtails.

"Can Sam go to the beach with us?" Sadie asked.

"The beach?" Jack asked redirecting his attention to Christy.

"Yes, we, that is me and some of the other moms have a little back to school party for the kids every year and I thought Sam might like to come with us." Christy offered.

"You sure? He can be a handful." Jack asked.

"I doubt Sam is any more of a handful than Derek and Parker. A couple of the kids will be first graders this year so he could make a couple of friends before he starts school. I'll take good care of him, I promise." Christy said.

"I'm not worried about that. Yeah, sure, if he wants to go. Thanks." Jack said and called out to Sam.

Sam ran eagerly to the patio, eager to please after the previous day's bad behavior.

"Do you want to go to the beach with Christy and her kids?" Jack asked.

"No, it's okay." Sam sighed.

Jack kneeled down to the boy's level.

"What's the matter Sam?" Jack asked.

"I'm sposed to help you today." Sam said.

"Sam, if you'd rather go to the beach and play it's okay." Jack told him.

"You won't be sad?" Sam asked, the genuine concern it was delivered with making both women want to gather that sweet boy up and squeeze him until his eyes popped out.

"If going to the beach would make you happy then it would make me happy too." Jack assured him.

"I can help you some more when I get back." Sam offered.

"Sure, now go, have fun." Jack told him and stood.

"I'll get my stuff." Sam said excitedly and ran into the house.

"That is one great kid you've got there Jack." Christy said.

"Thanks, but I had nothing to do with it. He had a really good mother." Jack said feeling unworthy of Sam's heartfelt concern.

"Don't sell yourself short Jack." Christy told him.

"I'm just being honest Christy. Do you need some money for him?" Jack asked reaching for his wallet.

"No, we have plenty of food and drinks for them. We're stay at home moms Jack and have nothing better to do than spoil our kids by turning everything in their life into an event worthy of a party." Christy laughed.

"Sounds like a pretty important job to me. I'm guessing you're not paid nearly enough." Jack replied.

"Don't forget the block party is tomorrow night Jack." Christy reminded him.

"Forget? I'm not sure I ever knew about it." Jack laughed lightly and returned his gaze back to Kate who seemed lost in her own thoughts.

"You okay Kate?" He asked snapping her out of her thoughts.

"Huh, yeah, I was just thinking about sunscreen. He needs sunscreen. I'm going to go help Sam. You look thirsty, want something to drink while I'm in there?" Kate asked.

"Sure." He said and smiled at her.

Christy, Kate and Sadie disappeared into the house. Kate returned alone, with a glass of iced tea about ten minutes later. She walked out into the yard with it and handed it to him. He took a long drink and handed the glass back to her.

"I'm just going to finish this section and then I'll be in." He said noticing the way she was looking at him and finally smiling at her.

"What?" He chuckled.

"Do you have any idea how incredibly sexy you are right now?" She asked.

"Funny, I was going to ask you the same thing." He replied.

She took a drink from his glass, keeping a piece of the ice in her mouth and moving closer to him, swallowing the ice right before she sucked his left nipple into her mouth, her cold tongue against his hot, sweaty chest triggering all the right sensors. She moved her mouth over his chest and up, finding his mouth and attacking it hungrily, wrapping both arms around his neck and letting the glass slip out of her hand and onto the ground. He pulled back a little to object even though he wanted her as bad as she apparently wanted him.

"Wait, Kate…….Kate I'm all sweaty and dirty." He objected before she sucked him back in, shoving her tongue into his mouth, purring with satisfaction when he began kissing her back.

She began pushing him backward toward the covered patio, the chaise lounge her intended target. He had looked so raw and rugged and almost primal working with the wood in the hot sun and that's exactly how she wanted him, raw, rugged and primal. She needed him to need her as badly as she needed him at the moment and he wasn't resisting any longer, his hands busy, trying to unfasten buttons and unzip zippers.

She pushed him back onto the chaise lounge, following on top, slithering down his body quickly as she almost angrily tore open the front of his jeans and reached inside. She could tell from the view he'd given her earlier that he wasn't wearing any underwear and she had him in her hand quickly, his crotch as hot and sweaty as the rest of him and such a turn on she began humping his leg before she managed to get his cock into her mouth.

He let her go, his mind and body momentarily stunned by her quick movements and animalistic behavior. He propped himself up on his elbows and took in the view. Her professional business skirt now pushed up and gathered around her hips, the zipper undone and her blouse hanging open and slipping off of her. She was still wearing the high heels at the end of the bended legs that were currently straddling his leg while the wet crotch of her panties was rubbing over his lower thigh in a near fit. She sucked him into her mouth hard, too hard and he backed her off, pulling her up toward him and kissing her passionately. He rubbed his hands over her back while he kissed her, trying to settle her down, her eager hands still clawing at his chest and shoulders.

"Jack, I need you inside me. Now." She panted and began kissing his neck and chest hungrily.

He pushed his jeans down past his hips and lifted her over him, pushing the crotch of her panties to the side so she could connect with him.

"I want you on top. Show me you want me as bad as I want you." She protested and stood up, slipping her skirt and panties off. She reached for one of her shoes and he stopped her.

"No, leave those on." He growled as he stood and removed her blouse and lacey bra, kneading her breasts roughly with his large hands.

He lay her back on the chaise lounge and moved over her, sucking one nipple then the other into his hungry mouth, feeling her hand wrap around his hardened length and squeeze until he sucked harder and rougher the loud, lustful moans coming from deep within her throat driving him crazy. He couldn't stand it anymore and went up onto his knees, shoving his jeans down to his knees and moving between her legs. He positioned his tip at her entrance and pushed inside her quickly, gyrating his hips into her hard as he reached deeper and deeper.

"Mmm….yeah, so deep, so hard. You want me bad don't you? Go, take me, take me as hard as you want." She moaned.

He didn't need to be asked twice. He was ready to fuck her brains out the minute she latched onto his nipple with her cold mouth. He began moving in and out of her, wild, out of control and somewhat all over the place, his arms and hands so sweaty he couldn't plant himself securely and couldn't find a rhythm.

"That feels so good, don't stop, don't you dare even think about stopping." She demanded grabbing two handfuls of his ass and pulling him into her hard, making him lose his balance and catch himself before he crushed her.

He chuckled lightly at the awkwardness and finally pulled out of her, standing up, kicking his jeans off along with his shoes. He held his hands out and lifted her out of the chaise lounge. He pushed a couple of chairs out of his way before laying her back on the table. He pulled her to the edge of the table and drove himself back inside of her, hands on the outside of her thighs, encouraging her to keep her legs wrapped around him while he tried to keep up with her demands to go harder, both of them coming quickly.

He caught his breath and pulled her up from the table and into his arms, lifting her and walking them back over to the chaise lounge. He laid back taking her with him, her sweaty, naked body draped over him, still quivering slightly as she worked to settle down. He reached up and unfastened the clip that was holding her hair back and up and watched it fall and flow over her naked back. She was so beautiful to him and he wasn't sure what had just happened, where it came from or why, but he could tell it wasn't all about lust, that she was looking for something perhaps looking for a way to feel better, but about what he wasn't sure. He cradled her closer and she buried her face in his neck.

"I love you." He said softly and let his fingers glide slowly over the side of her face.

He could feel the warm tears on his skin as she burrowed closer to him and he became concerned. She was very upset and sobbing, her face still buried in his neck and refusing to talk to him no matter how many times he asked her to so he let her go, believing she'd talk to him once she cried herself out. When she went from crying back to kissing him and attempting to engage in another round of rough sex he decided he'd waited long enough and sat up, holding onto her arms and forcing her to look at him.

"Kate, enough. Talk to me, tell me what's wrong." Jack pleaded with her.

"Nothing, I just need you to make love to me. I just need you to want me Jack." Kate told him and tried to pull him into another kiss.

"Stop it!" He snapped and pushed her away from his mouth.

She attempted to move off of him, but he held firmly to her, not willing to let her go inside and pretend that nothing happened.

"What's wrong Kate? Did something bad happen with your job? Your job, that's where you were this morning right?" Jack asked.

"It's not enough." She said sadly.

"What's not enough?" He asked.

"Me, I'm not enough for you. I'll never be able to give you what you need, what you deserve." She said.

"Kate, what……" Jack started to ask and suddenly understood what was going on with her and pulled her in close, hugging her and kissing her softly on the temple.

"It would've been nice to have been asked to go along, to be included with all the other moms huh?" He spoke softly.

"I'm not his mom. I'll never be a mom again." She said with so much sadness he felt his heart breaking for her and any doubt he had about whether or not he was truly in love with this woman completely disappeared in that moment.

"I know. Come on, let's go inside." He said.

She sat up and looked at him, face tear streaked and eyes empty and sad.

"What do you mean you know?" Kate asked her tone bordering on angry.

"Kate, I was your surgeon, I was inside your abdomen. I notice when organs are missing. I've always known that you can't have children, I've just been waiting for you to be comfortable enough to talk about it." He told her.

"You and Sam, you don't need me anymore, Christy thinks you need a whole houseful of children, you admire stay at home moms. I'm not what you want or need Jack." She told him, fresh tears streaming down her cheeks.

"We aren't going to do this Kate not now, not while you're this upset. Come on, let's go inside." Jack said and stood with her.

She pulled away from him and entered the house. He picked up their strewn clothes and followed behind. She headed straight for the bedroom and into the bathroom and began running a bath. He followed in behind her, turned on the shower and stepped in, neither saying a word.

He stepped out of the shower, wrapped a towel around his waist and looked toward the large Jacuzzi tub. She was laid back, eyes closed and not moving. He approached the tub and kneeled down, shaking her gently.

"Hey, don't fall asleep." He said softly.

"You think I'm crazy don't you?" She mumbled.

"No, I think you've got some painful skeletons in your closet." Jack said and leaned in and kissed her on the mouth.

"So you're going to analyze me now?" Kate sighed.

"Hardly, but it seems pretty obvious that whatever happened is difficult for you to talk about." He answered.

"Being castrated at the age of 20 isn't what a girl dreams of but I'd hardly call it a painful skeleton." She protested.

"Twenty? So you lost your baby during childbirth?'" Jack asked making her open her eyes and look at him.

"How did you know I lost a child?" She asked.

"When you were crying earlier you said you'd never be a mother again, as in you have been before." Jack replied.

She stood and he stood, handing her a towel and watching her wrap it around her tiny frame.

"I don't want to talk about this Jack." She said.

"Okay, we don't have to, but when you're ready to talk about it, I'm here." He said and kissed her.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, pulling back a little and looking at him.

"Jack I'm just…..I don't……..I can't……" She searched for the right words and he silenced her, placing a gentle finger over her lips.

"It's okay Kate, we don't have to talk about it right now, but just know this. You are everything I want and all I could ever need." He said softly and kissed her again.

He could feel her tugging until the towel around his waist gave way as she held him close and slowly guided them to the bed, no longer clawing and demanding, but just wanting to love him and be loved back and loving her was something he could see himself doing for the rest of his life, regardless of what skeletons were lurking in her closet.


	13. Chapter 13

Her eyes were closed, her mind focused on the feel of him moving within her, his chest and stomach lightly grazing hers as he moved over her, his hot breath on her neck, just below her ear while his hands clutched hers tightly.

It was this moment, the moment right before they both found release that she cherished the most, his intensity and her intensity matching and working together to satisfy each other, holding tightly to each other, reaching and reaching until that moment that suspended both of them, their bodies stilling for an instant and then toppling over the edge together.

Adding love to the equation had made the moment that she cherishes the most even more special, the love that seemed to ooze out of every pore in his body overwhelming to her. He'd been a passionate lover since the first time they made love, but that was the old Jack, the Jack that kept his emotions locked inside a steel vault, and even with the passion he would exude he was no match for the version that she was currently enjoying.

He'd become the man she'd always believed he was and she loved him more than life itself. There were things about her that he deserved to know because in this moment, connected like only they could be connected, all of him buried deep inside of her and filling her with the seeds that would never be able to plant life inside of her, she could feel how deep his love for her ran. It was real, he was real and he deserved to know the woman he was giving all of his heart to, the only woman he'd ever been willing to take such a chance with and that wasn't a fact she took lightly.

They kissed passionately while their orgasms peaked and then finally bottomed out. His arms supported his weight while his body kept her trapped beneath him, still connected to her and still thrusting slowly, his skin hot to the touch. He finally slipped out of her, his semen spilling out of her, still warm as it trickled down to the mattress below her. The cold, wet spot it would leave reminded her of the cold, empty spot where her womb used to be so she never stayed put long enough for it to get cold, quickly scooting him to one side of the bed and cuddling up beside him, safe, warm and whole. She guessed there was a time when the wet spot was just a source of discomfort that wasn't pleasant to have to lie in and nothing more, but she couldn't remember that time and wondered if Jack would find her psychological aversion to it weird or just pathetic. She never wanted to see pity in his eyes and he hadn't offered her any. His eyes showed compassion and understanding, but not pity and every time he did something like that, come through for her in ways he didn't believe himself capable of, she was sure she'd rather die than spend a day without him in her life.

That she had been the woman that had managed to capture and open Jack's heart puzzled and even worried her at first, afraid that his desperate need for help with the child that had been dropped into his life was making him confuse gratitude for love. But the past few days had been different, his demeanor lighter, more relaxed and his desire to not only prove to himself that he could be a good father, but to prove it to her too, told her that he wasn't clinging to her out of need, but that she and her opinion of him mattered to him because she mattered to him.

He had an uncanny ability to read her moods and freak outs, possessing intuitiveness about her that he didn't have for other people and while she found that somewhat unsettling, she also took it as a sign because she too seemed to have an insight into him that most people didn't, able to recognize what scared him the most almost immediately and willing to help him face those fears. The way that he had instantly known the sex in the backyard had been about more than uncontrollable lust and quickly deduced what it was that had upset her so much told her that he was special, that he was indeed her soul mate even though she didn't believe in soul mates or at least she didn't before Jack.

She was snuggled in close the way she liked to be and she could feel his hand gliding slowly over her back and shoulder. She was deep in thought, considering how much she loved him, how serious their relationship had become, how beautiful he and Sam were becoming together and how much she didn't want to deny him the opportunity to have more children. He turned onto his side, keeping their bodies close, his thumb softly tracing the outline of her jaw and chin.

"Why would you think Sam and I don't need you anymore?" He asked softly.

"You were so sure and confident this morning, my work here is done." She said.

"Your work? Was I being naïve when I allowed myself to believe that Sam had become something more to you than your work, that when you said you were in love with my son you wanted to be a part of his life and not just his advocate?" He asked, not angry or hurt, but attempting to understand where her head was at.

"I do love Sam, very much, but I can't allow myself to feel maternal toward Sam." She told him.

"Why not?" He asked.

"Because if you and I don't work out I'd have to lose him and I don't think I would survive that, not again." She said sadly.

He studied her for a moment, her words and the pain in which they were delivered resonating in his head.

"You didn't lose a child during child birth, you lost your child after having a chance to fall completely in love with him or her didn't you?" He asked.

She nodded, her eyes filling with tears, a few finally escaping and rolling down her cheeks. He wiped the tears away with his thumb, kissed her forehead and pulled her in for a tight hug. He pulled back and kissed her softly.

"I'm sorry Kate, I won't pretend to understand what that must feel like but it puts your reckless behavior into perspective." He said.

"My reckless behavior?" She asked.

"Racing motorcycles with no helmet, climbing up the side of cliffs with no safety gear, base jumping when the winds say you shouldn't, bungee jumping from dangerously low heights, skydiving without a reserve chute." He said.

"You remember all that?" She asked, impressed that he'd actually been interested enough to pay attention to the stories she'd shared with him during her recovery.

Yes, Kate I was always listening to your stories even when you were so doped up on pain killers you weren't making much sense." He chuckled.

"And you thought I was reckless?" She asked.

"Oh yeah, after all the hours of surgical repair I put in on you I shuddered at how reckless you were and how quickly you could undo everything I'd done. At the time I attributed your reckless behavior to the unbreakable spirit you seemed to have, considered it to be more about being a thrill seeker than someone who had just stopped caring. I hate that you've been that sad Kate." He said

"I've never stopped caring Jack." She objected.

"No, not about other people or causes, but about yourself, I think you did." He argued.

"So what, now I'm suicidal?" She asked, knowing he was right, but not ready to admit it.

"No, not suicidal, people with an unbreakable spirit aren't typically suicidal. You were just reckless, pissed off, daring the fates to come and get you. I bet plunging toward the ground with a cord wrapped around your ankles is the ultimate 'fuck you' to an empty hole that wants to consume you." Jack offered.

"Yeah so how'd you get so smart about empty all consuming holes?" She asked.

"Kate, I'm a walking, talking, living, breathing, empty all consuming hole." He said and smiled at her.

"I never saw that in you, I guess that's why I always refused to give up on you and Jack you are wrong about one thing." She said.

"Just one?" He laughed lightly.

"I probably did stop caring about myself, but then this charming, handsome doctor took the time to care and made me fall in love with him and want things for myself again." She said and kissed him.

"So you did fall in love with your doctor." He teased.

"No, my doctor was a pretty uptight, no nonsense, cold individual with no bedside manner. I fell in love with the guy who would show up without his starched, white lab coat, the guy who spent all that time caring that I was hurting, caring that I was alone and caring about whether or not I was going to give up from one day to the next." She told him, sitting up and encouraging him to roll onto his back.

She moved her body over the top of his and began kissing her way slowly down his chest, down past his stomach and to her desired target. He felt her mouth latch onto him and pulled her away, encouraging her to slide back up and look at him.

"Baby, another round of sex this soon and I'll make a widow out of you before I get the chance to marry you." He told her and pulled her in for a kiss.

She pulled out of the kiss and looked at him, he'd really just said that and didn't appear to be the least bit concerned, nervous or making any attempt to take it back.

"Jack, don't joke about that." She said.

"About dying?" He grinned.

"You think you're pretty funny don't you?" She groaned and began tickling him.

He quickly rolled her onto her back to get her to stop and to regain the advantage, smiling down at her and then kissing her passionately, enjoying that they were free to spend the day in bed talking, laughing and loving, something they'd never really had a chance to experience with Sam underfoot.

"Kate, we're good, we're going to stay good, we're going to work out. It's okay to feel whatever you want to feel where Sam is concerned." He told her, eyes warm and sincere.

"You can't know that Jack." She resisted.

"Why not?" He asked.

"Because you can't, there are no guarantees in life." She argued.

"The woman that climbs up the side of cliffs with no safety gear wants guarantees?" He teased.

"Allowing myself to mother Sam would be the equivalent of climbing up the side of a cliff with no safety gear." She said seriously, sadly.

He could see how deep her wounds were, how much they still hurt and how obvious it was he'd never be able to put her back together again if she fell from this particular cliff. He wanted to ask her what happened to her child, to the child's father, to her own father. He wanted to know why such a beautiful person was so completely alone, but he decided it was better to let those things come from her in her own time and in her own way, not because he was pressuring her for information because he needed her to feel better. She needed to be allowed to feel better in her own time. So he opted to smile at her, to lighten things back up, to let her know that he was on her side and that whatever she needed to do or feel where Sam was concerned was okay with him.

"Hey, it's okay Kate, just please don't think that we don't need you, because we do. We need you to be the same kind, understanding and gracious friend you've been from the beginning. We love you and if you ever feel like you're ready to climb that cliff, I'll be your safety gear. I won't let you fall Kate. I promise." He said and kissed her some more.

They continued to kiss and were just about to initiate another round of sex when the doorbell rang. Jack pulled back and sat up. He glanced toward the opening in the shutters on one of the bedroom windows and could see Christy's car in the driveway.

"It's Christy." Jack said and moved off the bed and into the closet.

"She said they wouldn't be back until this evening." Kate said as she joined him in the closet.

He slipped on a pair of jeans and pulled a t-shirt over his head while she covered herself with a robe. They made their way to the front door and opened it to find a patient, but regretful looking Christy holding a sad looking Sam's hand.

"Hey buddy, what's wrong?" Jack asked.

"My tummy hurts so much." Sam told him and reached out for him.

Jack picked the boy up and Sam immediately wrapped his legs and arms around him, laying his head on Jack's shoulder, holding tight and crying.

"It's okay Sam, come on, let take a look at you." Jack said gesturing Christy inside and disappearing into the living room with Sam.

"I'm sorry you had to bring him home Christy, but thank you." Kate said.

"No, I'm the one who is sorry." Christy said regretfully.

"You, why?" Kate asked.

"I should've realized it would be difficult for him." Christy said.

"Difficult? I though he was sick." Kate puzzled.

"I'm not the doctor here Kate, but I've got four children and learned to recognize stomach aches brought on by emotional issues a long time ago." Christy explained.

"Did something happen?" Kate asked.

"Imagine being six years old in a strange city with strange people and seeing all the other kids running to their mom for one thing or another. I don't think he's sick Kate, I think he's just missing his mother and I should've considered that he'd be the only child there without a parent. I'm sorry if I've upset him, I really was just trying to be neighborly, trying to make Sam feel like he's among friends and trying to give the two of you some time alone." Christy apologized.

"Oh no Christy don't feel bad, you're heart was in the right place and Jack and I both appreciated the quiet time very much." Kate said and tightened the robe around her body, suddenly feeling exposed and a little embarrassed.

"Tell Jack I'm sorry and that I'll come by tonight to check on Sam." Christy said.

"I will and please don't beat yourself up, we probably should've considered Sam might not be ready for that situation. I think we all just want the same thing though and that's for the little guy to be happy." Kate said and walked Christy out of the house.

Kate entered the living room where Jack was trying to peel Sam off of him so he could examine him.

"No daddy, I just want to stay with you." Sam cried.

"It's okay Jack, just hold him." Kate said.

She was always right about what Sam needed so he didn't argue with her. He relaxed into the couch, holding the child close, keeping a comforting hand on his back and shooting a questioning look at her.

"He's just feeling a little sad Jack and needs you to comfort him, he'll be fine." Kate told him and left the room.

Jack continued to hold the boy until he fell asleep. He laid him gently on the couch and sat beside him, making sure he wasn't going to wake up. He watched him sleep, his angelic tear-streaked face taking on a more peaceful look the deeper and deeper into sleep he sank. He leaned in and kissed him on the forehead.

He stood and left the room, searching for Kate and for answers. He found her in their bedroom, dressed and lying on her side on the now made bed. He sat beside her and let his hand rest gently on her upper arm.

"What happened to Sam?" He asked.

"He's missing his mom. He noticed he was the only kid at the beach party without a mom and the stomach pains started. Christy feels terrible about it and so do I." Kate said.

"Why, you were both just trying to let him have some fun. He's got emotional issues Kate that hopefully will get easier for him as he goes along, but we can't beat ourselves up every time he has a bad day." Jack said.

"I'm supposed to be the child expert here Jack. I should've guessed that he wouldn't handle the situation well. One of us should've gone with him. He's not ready to be abandoned to the world like that yet. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to consider that sending Sam off without one of us would be a really bad idea." Kate said her tone angry, the most fire he'd seen in her in days and he smiled at her.

"This is funny?" She asked in an aggravated tone.

"No, of course not, it's just good to see you all fired up and ready to beat someone up and for once that someone isn't me. You have so much genuine passion for children Kate and it's one of the things about you that I fell in love with." He told her and then became concerned again when he saw the tears flowing.

"I screwed up so badly Jack. When I think of that sweet little boy standing all alone on that beach watching all the other kids being taken care of by their mommies it rips my heart out. I'm so sorry." She cried.

"Kate, it's okay, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. Come on, don't do this to yourself." He tried to comfort her.

"Jack, I deal with children who have been separated from their parents every day, I knew better, I was just too focused on my own issues to bother to consider what might happen and now he's had a terrible, traumatizing day. Guess God knew what he was doing all along." She said sadly.

"Stop it; you're just being ridiculous now." He said angrily.

"What? You don't believe everything happens for a reason Jack?" Kate asked.

"Do you really believe that there is this all powerful god sitting up there determining who is or isn't worthy of being a parent? You, who sees the tragic result of idiots who never should've been allowed to procreate is going to lie there and suggest that this all knowing god would choose to deny you children and allow idiots who deserve nothing more than a public and painful castration to keep churning babies out?" He reasoned.

"Sometimes things are so terrible Jack that you have to attach a reason just to survive it." She told him.

"I get that Kate, but why not try attaching some reasons to why you're lying here right now." Jack suggested.

"What do you mean?" Kate asked.

"I mean why not take a moment to ask yourself if everything that has happened between us happened for reason. That evening they wheeled you into the ER, the only reason you ended up being my patient was because I was the only surgeon in the hospital at that moment that was available. I wasn't on call for the ER that night. I was actually dressed and ready to leave for the night when my pager went off. Why do you suppose a surgeon who rarely steps outside of his field of expertise anymore was the only surgeon available when your belly was filling with blood?" Jack asked.

"I seriously doubt the gods deemed it necessary for me to mangle my body just so I could meet you." Kate argued.

"You'd consider the possibility of being denied children by the gods, but can't consider that maybe our paths were supposed to cross because a child needed you? You need to stop beating yourself up because Sam had a bad day and think about just how bad things would be for Sam right now if you hadn't entered the picture." He told her.

"You would've figured it out Jack." She sighed.

"Kate, you are the only reason I didn't make the biggest mistake of my life, don't doubt that for a second. I was ready to give him up and I still have no idea what I'm doing, but because of you I want to figure it out." He told her.

"And because of you I want things again, things I know I can't have. I'm sorry Jack, I know I've been a real downer today." She sighed.

"I'm not sure I'd refer to a woman having her way with me in the back yard as being a downer, but I get that you're sad and that you're feeling like this thing between us is getting serious and with that comes a whole bunch of new issues, but Kate, it doesn't matter to me." He told her.

"It matters to me Jack. It matters that I would be denying you a chance at a family." She said.

"No, don't make it about me Kate. Whatever happened, whatever pain and emptiness you're experiencing because of that is about you. Me, I'm good, the best I've ever been in fact, you and Sam are enough for me. I understand why that isn't enough for you and I'll do whatever I can do to make things easier for you." He told her.

"You don't need to do anything Jack, you've been very patient and kind every time I've gone into emotional overload and that's enough." She told him.

Can I suggest something without upsetting you too much?" He asked.

"You can try." She answered and offered a smile.

"You swear that you haven't allowed yourself to develop maternal feelings toward Sam, but your reaction to his being hurt today says otherwise so I'll give you the same advice you gave me." He said.

"Which advice was that, I've been pretty pushy and free with it where you were concerned." She teased and he laughed lightly.

"That it's okay if you let Sam and me into your heart because we aren't going to abuse it and that whole just do what comes naturally thing. You are a natural when it comes to nurturing Kate so why not just let what you do so well take over because the way I see it, you're already in so deep that losing him today wouldn't be any less devastating then losing him six months from now after you've supposedly allowed yourself to become attached. You're already attached." Jack said.

"I think I liked it better when you were the confused worked up one. Thank you Jack." She said.

"For what?" He asked.

"For being the man I always knew you were. I love you." She said.

He leaned in and kissed her, hugging her tightly and then kissing her once more before pulling back.

"I think I'm going to lay here for awhile. I'm tired and have a bit of a headache." She told him.

"Okay. I think I'm going to go outside and put things away, wait for Rick to come help tomorrow." He said and left the room.

Jack walked through the living room and noticed Sam was about to roll off the couch. He situated him closer to the back of the couch, but not without waking him.

"Does your tummy feel better?" Jack spoke in a soft, caring voice while placing a gentle hand on the child's stomach.

"I don't want to wake up yet." Sam yawned and closed his eyes.

"Okay, I'll be in the back yard if you need me." Jack told him.

"Daddy where's Kate?" Sam asked in a sleepy voice with just a hint of a whine in it.

"She's in our bedroom. Go back to sleep now." Jack answered and sat with him until he believed he'd gone back to sleep.

Jack worked in the yard for about an hour and reentered the house. It was very quiet. He walked to the couch to check on Sam and found that he was gone. He looked through all the rooms in the front of the house and then walked toward the back of the house where the bedrooms were. When he found Sam's bedroom empty he started to panic a little and headed to his bedroom to wake Kate. He stopped just inside the doorway and smiled. He approached the bed slowly and quietly. Kate was on her back in the center of the bed and Sam was nestled into her side, his head resting on her bosom and her arm wrapped securely around him. They looked so peaceful and natural and he felt his stomach tighten a little as his heart went to his throat. He gathered the quilt from the bottom of the bed and put it over them. He sat on the bed and watched them sleep for a few minutes, savoring the moment and committing the image to memory.

"Four months ago I didn't need anyone or anything and now I can't not only imagine my life without the two of you, but can't imagine how any man could need anything more." He spoke softly to them before leaning in, kissing Kate on the forehead and Sam on the temple and then walking slowly out of the room.


	14. Chapter 14

She stood, bottle of beer in hand, half listening to the women beside her chirping away while focusing her attention on the man sitting across the pool in a lounge chair, the man she'd just had mind blowing sex with a little over an hour ago. He hadn't shaved in over a week, was kicked back in a pair of dark cargo shorts and a t-shirt, drinking a beer, laughing and talking to Rick and looking as relaxed as she'd ever known him to be and looking sexier than any man should be allowed to look. How was it possible that she could feel herself begin to ache for him again so soon after having been satisfied in ways that only he could satisfy her.

He'd entered the house after spending hours out in the yard with Rick assembling the play gym for Sam. Sam had gone next door with Rick to play with his kids and as soon as she realized they were alone she pounced, his half nude sweaty, dirty body such a turn-on to her that they never made it out of the kitchen. With his jeans around his ankles and her shorts and panties dangling off of one leg, her butt pressed up against the counter and her right leg wrapped around his waist he drove himself into her repeatedly. They both grunted and groaned loudly with each hard, purposeful thrust, him finally lifting her onto the counter and bringing both of them off quickly. He then carried her into their bathroom where they shared a long, hot shower before coming together again on the bed, their bodies still wet from the shower, their need too intense to be bothered with such trivial details as drying off to protect the bed coverings.

He caught her staring at him, smiled and waved. She waved back and heard the women around her giggle. Kate turned around, trying to hide the blush that she could feel heating up her face.

"God, he really must be as delicious as he looks." Anne sighed.

Kate didn't respond exept to smile and take a sip of her beer.

"Come on Kate, we've been wondering about Jack for years. What's he really like?" Sandy prodded.

"What do you think he's like?" Kate teased.

"Too many little ears around to answer that, but I bet he's one hell of a tiger in the bedroom." Anne growled and the others giggled.

"Ladies, give her a break. How would you like it if she started asking you personal questions about your sex lives?" Christy said.

"When Kate catches me completely captivated by my husband while in a group of people she can ask me just what it is exactly that's got me so captivated. So Kate, tell us, what were you thinking about just then?" Anne continued to tease her.

Kate didn't answer, she blushed what she guessed must've been very deeply, giggled and took a long drink of her beer.

"Oh you lucky, lucky woman." Anne sighed and shook her head.

"Ignore her Kate. Jack is a captivating man. Misty's been captivated by him for years." Sandy giggled.

"Who is Misty?" Kate asked.

"She's not here yet and she is so going to hate you." Sandy told her.

"Why?" Kate asked.

"Because she's been shamelessly pursuing him for the last three years and she's going to hate that he appears to be officially off the market. You my dear are much prettier though." Anne chimed in.

"Did he date her?" Kate asked.

"I don't think so, but you'd have to ask Jack. Ignore them Kate, they get gossipy and silly after a couple of glasses of wine." Christy said.

"I don't think we've ever seen Jack looking so……well, normal and he's never brought a date to one of these before. He looks really happy Kate and we're just teasing you, welcoming you into the group since by the looks of things you're going to be around for the duration." Anne said and patted her on the upper arm on her way to refill her wine glass.

"Does he come to these often?" Kate asked.

"He's been to the last few we've had. He typically just hangs out with Rick, but he's usually just getting home from his job, and wanders over for a beer and whatever food is available, still wearing his dress slacks and the sleeves of his dress shirt rolled up to the elbows. Anne's right though, it's as normal and relaxed as I've seen Jack." Christy answered as both she and Kate gazed over at the two men.

"They're talking about you Jack." Rick told him.

"Who?" Jack asked.

"The women. Just look at them, they're dying to pick poor Kate's brain." Rick laughed.

"What makes you say that?" Jack asked glancing over at the women and suddenly feeling uncomfortable.

"Oh come on Jack, you've been the subject of the gossiping hens since you moved in next door and you know it. A good looking, successful, eligible bachelor who always shows up to these things alone and hungry is a prime target for housewives and mothers that want to save all the lonely men in the world by marrying them off as quickly as possible." Rick joked.

"I used to believe I'd never get married." Jack admitted.

"Use to believe? So does that mean Kate is the one?" Rick asked.

"Can't get anything by the neighborhood shrink." Jack chuckled.

"Misty is going to be beside herself. I might get a new patient out of this deal." Rick laughed.

"I'm hoping she won't show up tonight. Did I ever tell you about the time she cornered me in your home theater?" Jack asked.

"No, you always told me you'd never pursue that because you don't sleep with women you have to see every day after you break up with them. Did you guys have sex in my theater chairs?" Rick asked.

"I didn't pursue her. I was drunk and she came out of nowhere and was all over me before I realized what had happened." Jack admitted.

"Is she as hot in that respect as the rest of us have imagined?" Rick asked.

"I don't know, I came to my senses and got out of there, but not before she removed her shirt and gave me a good feel of what I was passing up. You can let the rest of the guys know that they are indeed real." Jack told him and took a drink of his beer.

"You lucky dog. Who am I going to live vicariously through if you do something stupid like get married?" Rick teased.

"So you think marrying Kate would be stupid?" Jack asked.

"No, of course not, she seems like a lovely woman and…..are you seriously going to ask her to marry you?" Rick asked a tone of disbelief in his voice.

"Do you think it's possible for someone like me to suddenly want what guys like you have?" Jack asked his tone serious as he gazed across the pool at the woman that consumed all of his thoughts lately.

"Someone like you? Without getting into a deep psychological analysis of you, I'm just going to say Jack, that you are no different than the rest of us and hell, look at her, what's not to love." Rick said.

"Don't say anything to Christy because I'm not sure yet or maybe I am, but if I figure it out I'd like for it to be a surprise and you know how the neighborhood grapevine is. I can't believe they actually had a "guess who Sam's mother is" pool going on, but I guess you get the respect you deserve." Jack sighed.

"Christy won that pool by the way." Rick informed him.

"Really? How'd she manage that since his mother never darkened my doorstep?" Jack asked.

"She scolded them, told them it was none of their business and that they should be ashamed for making light of what was obviously a difficult situation for you. They dropped it, thereby declaring Christy the winner by default and decency." Rick told him.

"Ah good ole Christy, always in my corner. You're a lucky man Rick." Jack said.

"That I am. Uh oh Jack, trouble is approaching." Rick said, directing Jack's attention to Misty who was less that 10 feet away.

Jack looked up, saw the seductive tigress approaching, glanced across the pool toward Kate and then forced a smile when the tigress stopped in front of him.

"Long time no see Jack. I hear you've become quite the family man lately." Misty said.

Just as Jack was about to respond, Sam jumped into his lamp, his boney knee landing right in Jack's crotch and forcing him to suck hard for air as he sat up straight and pulled the boy into his lap.

"Take it easy bud, you came close to castrating your old man just now." Jack said and squirmed a little.

"What's strating?" Sam asked.

"It's something neither of us ever wants to have done." Jack told him.

"I want to go swimming Daddy will you take me?" Sam asked.

Misty kneeled in front of them while Kate watched from the other side of the pool.

"Who is that woman talking to Jack?" Kate asked.

"That would be Misty. You should probably go rescue him Kate, she's not one to bow out gracefully." Christy told her.

"He's a big boy and he doesn't look all that miserable to me." Kate replied, the obvious affects of the green monster coming through loud and clear in her tone.

"Kate, it's not his fault, what is he supposed to do?" Christy asked.

Kate slowly stepped away from the table where the women were gathered and began walking slowly toward Jack.

"Cat fight." Anne giggled.

"I'm so getting a front row seat for this." Sandy laughed.

Misty is kneeling in front of Jack, her hand strategically placed on his lower thigh as she pretends to take an interest in the child sitting in his lap.

"He's adorable Jack. He's a mini-version of you." Misty told him, tussling the boy's hair and making Sam sink deeper into Jack's arms.

"He actually looks more like his mother, but thanks." Jack said taking note of how far her hand had managed to creep up his thigh and pushing it back down.

Kate saw the move and could feel the heat in her face as she approached them. If Jack hadn't been so quick to remove the woman's hand from his crotch, and as far as Kate was concerned that's where it was, he would be in big trouble at the moment.

"So I hear you have a new girlfriend. How many is that this year Jack?" Misty asked.

"That's really none of your business Misty." Jack said.

Kate approached the scene and looked down at Jack who shot her a desperate look. Kate leaned in and kissed Sam on the check and Jack on the mouth.

"I'm headed inside, do you two need anything?" Kate asked.

"I want to go swimming Kate." Sam whined unaware of the tense situation unfolding in front of him.

"Well come on sweetie, you can be my little man. Auntie Misty will take you swimming." Misty said as she quickly snatched the boy out of Jack's lap, holding him close to the bosom that was about to fall out of its bikini top.

"No! Get away! I'm not your little man! Let go of me! You're hurting me!" Sam screamed going from calm to hysterical in less than 10 seconds.

Kate attempted to grab Sam from Misty and Misty jerked away with Sam kicking and screaming and crying, upset beyond anything that would be considered rational by anyone watching. Jack stood to retrieve Sam, but Kate beat him to it, snatching Sam away from her and slapping her across the face hard.

"If you ever come near this boy again you might not live to regret it." Kate seethed shocking both Jack and Rick.

"Kate, it's okay, I don't think she meant to upset him and I don't think she was hurting him." Jack said in a somewhat rattled tone, having never seen Kate as angry and violent as she was at the moment.

"I'm my mommy's little man, not hers. I want to go home Kate." Sam cried, arms and legs wrapped around her and clinging to her.

"Way to go bitch. You managed to traumatize a six year old with your little whore act." Kate snapped.

"Kate! That's enough!" Jack snapped.

"I'm taking your son home Jack. He's clearly upset and needed you to protect him just now, but you didn't, instead you just sat there and let the neighborhood slut terrorize him." Kate hissed and walked away.

"You sure know how to pick them Jack." Misty remarked.

"I didn't pick her, she picked me. That's probably why this one actually turned into something meaningful." Jack defended her.

"That was something meaningful?" Misty said sarcastically.

"She's the best thing that ever happened to me Misty so it would probably be in the best interest of our friendship if you shut up now." Jack told her.

"Yeah sure Jack, I'm sorry I upset your kid." Misty said

"Hey Misty, there's lots of free booze over there by Christy. Please, help yourself." Rick said, waited for Misty to walk away and turned to face Jack.

"What the hell just happened?" Jack asked.

"Want some free analysis from the neighborhood shrink?" Rick asked.

"Sure." Jack answered, laughing lightly out of frustration.

"Whatever just happened had nothing to do with you or Sam or Misty. Sam's little traumatic battle with Misty and you not responding quick enough struck a nerve Jack, a very deep and potentially dangerous nerve in my professional opinion." Rick offered.

"What does that mean?" Jack asked.

"That's what you need to find out Jack." Rick said.

"There's a lot I need to find out." Jack mumbled.

"What's that?" Rick asked.

"Nothing, um, I'll give it some thought, but I think I'll just hang out here for awhile, let her cool down." Jack said and sat back down.

Twenty minutes later Kate returned with Sam, both carrying towels and swimsuits. She walked past Jack without acknowledging him and straight to the pool house. She and Sam exited a few minutes later dressed in their swimwear, Sam with floatation devices on his arms and Kate with very little on at all. He took in the view and swallowed hard. Kate walked to the pool with Sam, the black bikini she was wearing covering only what was necessary and revealing every beautiful shape and curve, turning the heads of just about every man she passed in route to the pool.

"Would you look at that. No wonder Jack's been walking around with that stupid grin on his face." Anne remarked.

"Anne, you need to go have sex with your husband and stop obsessing over Jack and Kate's relationship. Yes, they are a stunningly beautiful couple, but I doubt they sit around and discuss our sex lives." Christy huffed, growing tired of the tacky comments about her neighbors, one of which was a very dear friend who never confided in them about anything, but who was always willing to help them out.

"Why are you so protective of Jack Christy? Have the two of you been more than just neighbors?" Misty taunted.

"Yes of course Misty that's it. He's a nice man and he doesn't sit around gossiping about any of you so why can't you ever show him the same respect." Christy shot back.

"You're right Christy, we've been awful tonight. Poor Kate, we probably made her very uncomfortable. We should make sure we invite her to our next ladies night out." Sandy said.

"Yeah, I'm sorry too Christy, it's the wine talking." Anne apologized.

"I guess none of you noticed she slapped me and called me a bitch and a whore?" Misty asked and immediately became angry when the women tried unsuccessfully to bite back a grin.

"Go ahead and take her side, but in case you haven't noticed your husbands haven't stopped staring since she walked out of that pool house." Misty sneered.

"My husband wouldn't be normal if he didn't stare. He's married Misty, not dead." Anne laughed.

Jack watched Kate and Sam play in the water, the sight of them together stirring the same emotions as the sight of them sleeping together in the bed had stirred in him. He really loved the idea of this new life, of this little family, of these two people that quite possibly meant more to him than the career he loved so much.

He watched them step out of the pool and walk toward him, dripping. Jack quickly helped Sam towel some of the water off of him. Kate stood in front of him drying her hair and face while he took care of Sam. Sam tired of Jack fussing over him and moved his attention to Rick.

"Rick, do you got any more hot dogs?" Sam asked.

"I'm sure we do, come on I'll fix you one, I could stand to eat something myself." Rick said and led the boy away.

Kate started to walk away and Jack took hold of her wrist gently and pulled her down into his lap.

"I'm going to get you all wet." She warned.

"That's my line isn't it?" He teased, forcing a smile to spread across her face.

"I'm sorry Jack, I was so far out of line. I guess I was just jealous." Kate apologized and relaxed into him.

"Trust me Kate, you never have to jealous of Misty or any other woman for that matter." Jack told her, covering her with the towel and wrapping his arms around her.

"They, the other women, were teasing me, telling me she's been trying to get her hooks into you and they said she would hate me. I guess I kind of snapped." Kate told him.

"Are you sure that's all it was?" Jack asked.

"Yeah, that and I hated seeing Sam so upset and her making light of it." Kate said.

"Okay." Jack said, Rick's warning still nagging at him, but not overly eager to disturb the moment.

"I'm cold." She said and snuggled in closer.

He tilted her chin up and closed his mouth over hers, capturing her in a deep, wet, passionate kiss that warmed her from head to toe and then some.

"I need to go put some dry clothes on. Want to come with me, protect me from any potential peeping perverts?" She asked and kissed him again, feeling his hand slip under the towel and down the front of her bikini bottoms.

"Who is going to protect you from the peeping pervert that wants what he's got his hand on?" He asked, half teasing and half serious.

"Luckily, I happen to love that particular perv." She whispered into ear.

"After you." He said in a sultry tone that made her center flood with wetness.

She slipped out of his lap, took his hand and helped him stand. He put his arm around her and they slowly walked toward the pool house, oblivious to the group of people around them, focused on nothing but getting behind closed doors, connecting and forgetting about the ugly scene that had transpired earlier.

They entered the pool house, entered one of the three changing rooms and shut the door. She pinned him against the door and began unfastening his shorts, knowing he wasn't wearing underwear and that what she wanted would be erect and ready for the attention she wanted to give him.

"No Kate, I don't….I just want…" He panted and threw his head back, closing his eyes and enjoying the feel of her wet mouth swallowing him, her hand wrapped around his base and her other hand gently cupping his balls, scratching lightly at them as she pulled back and teased his tip with her tongue.

"I love your cock so much Jack. Come in my mouth baby, please." She encouraged and took in as much of him as she could, allowing his tip to hit the back of her throat before pulling back and then repeating the process.

He reached down and pulled her away, encouraging her to stand up and when their faces met he chuckled lightly at her attempt at a pretty little pout. God he loved her so much and he didn't care what she was hiding from him, he just wanted to make the woman he knew today as happy as he could and he wanted to love her until he didn't have anything left.

"I appreciate that you want to make this all about me, but I've spent my entire life making everything all about me and I'm done with that. I love you and I want to make love to you." He said sincerely as he lowered her to floor and slipped inside of her, holding his position and gazing into her eyes.

"I was so awful to you earlier. I love you so much and I don't know how I could've been so hateful. You didn't deserve it." She said.

"Shh…" He said and kissed her slowly.

He began moving within her, his movements matching the rhythm of his kiss and she immediately felt a warming tingle rush through her as she came as gently and soothingly a he was making love to her. She rolled them over and began riding him as slowly as he had been riding her, letting him watch, enjoying the half smile on his face as she kept him captivated, his hands on her breasts while she slowly rotated over him. She could feel him beginning to pant and knew he was close and so was she, but she didn't change the slow pace, enjoying the feel of pulling away and slowly sliding back down, feeling his hard member impale her over and over, gliding smoothly against her walls and going deeper and deeper each time.

He lost the battle for control, his warm semen shooting into her while his hips jerked slightly and his hand held firmly to her hips, not allowing her to move until he was finished. He finally loosened his grip on her hips and opened his eyes, gazing up at her and then moving his fingers to her clit, rubbing over it in a slow circular pattern while slowly thrusting upward, his cock not as hard and erect as it was, but still firm enough to get the job done. He could feel her orgasm building, could see it on her face and then she was there, grabbing handfuls of chest hair and panting his name over and over. She then lay forward on his stomach and chest, purring lightly as his large, warm hands moved up and down her bare back, butt and thighs.

He wondered about what Rick had said to him and wondered what nerve had been struck in Kate. Had somebody hurt her as a child? Was it possible that the entire time Kate was analyzing him, probing into his less than normal childhood and pushing him to get in touch with his emotions that she was exorcising some of her own demons? Whatever it was he knew he had to get her to open up because the look in her eyes when she threatened Misty had startled him. It was as if she'd suddenly become someone else for the briefest of moments. He hugged her tightly and kissed the top of her head.

"We better get back out there before Sam realizes we're missing and freaks." Jack said, dismissing his concerns for now.


	15. Chapter 15

He leaned back in his chair, watching his colleague hang the scanned images over the lights, his mind wandering and traveling back to earlier that morning.

He lay on his back, his arms above his head, hands lightly gripping the slats in the headboard right where she had placed them. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the feel of her soft skin moving over his body while her mouth left light kisses over his chest, her tongue swirling over his nipples and then softly moving back to his sternum, her nose nuzzling gently through the hair as she slowly kissed, licked and nibbled her way down. She liked being in control and he had no issues with relinquishing all of the control to her.

He'd barely been awake, having just shut the alarm off and still trying to decide if he could afford to sleep for another 30 minutes when her warm body slithered over his, trapping him and making that decision for him. He wasn't realistically trapped, he could over power her at any moment if he wanted to, but why would he want to do that when whatever she had in mind was most likely to going to put a smile on his face for the rest of the day.

He could feel her warm breath hovering over his semi-hard cock right before he felt her tongue slowly glide over it, encouraging the erection that was forming to continue to grow. She loved to initiate the sex and to initiate his involvement in this manner, choosing to lick and tease and gently suck until he was hard and begging for entrance. Sometimes she'd come up off of him and allow him to take charge, to roll her onto her back and bury his face in her pussy until he made her scream. Sometimes she'd simply slide up and connect with him and ride him into a sweet, blissful orgasm and sometimes she'd continue to perform mind blowing fellatio until he filled her mouth. This morning he wasn't sure what she had in mind, and he had to resist the urge to pull her up, roll her over and bury himself inside of her.

She went up onto her knees, straddling his thighs and ran her hand through her center, showing him how wet she was and making sure she verbalized that it was all just for him right before she wrapped her wet hand around his very impressive erection and began slowly jerking him off, eliciting noises from him that only she could bring out of him. Her hand moved expertly up and down his hard shaft while her bottom bounced up and down, her wet pussy brushing over his thighs, the heat emanating from her making his need for her painful as he literally grew in her hand.

She'd smiled at him, licking her lips and telling him how hard he was and how much she loved having him in her hands while she held his cock against her belly and rubbed gently up and down, torturing him in such a wonderful way that protesting or complaining wasn't an option. When she had him in these moments he wanted to erect statues in her honor and name cities after her, certain that no other woman was as good at this as she was.

With his mind close to being gone and her as eager for release as he was, she crawled up, positioned herself over him and slowly slid down, the slow, agonizing connection making him groan in both pleasure and protest. He just needed to be fucked or to be allowed to fuck her, he didn't care, he just wanted to feel his cock sliding blissfully in and out of her.

She maintained the control, gliding up and down, talking to him, telling him how and where she could feel him and he let go of the slats on the headboard, grabbed her hips and began guiding her at a pace much more suitable to his needs, grunting and groaning and thrusting himself upward hard once, twice, three times and then she moved his hands back to where they were and slowed things back down, placing her hands on his chest and riding him with long, deep lunges that would bury him as deep as he could go.

He smiled as he remembered the moment when he lost it, her pussy clenching around him and her pelvis grinding hard into his as she threw her head back and came, that she was so beautiful when she came and he wished he had a private video of it to watch over and over was his last coherent thought before his mind went blank, his eyes went momentarily blind and his body stiffened as he began spilling himself inside of her.

It had been so good and so satisfying that he wasn't sure if his gel-filled legs would function again in time for him to go to work, but he'd never complain about greeting a new day in that manner.

"Did you hear a word I just said Jack?" Dr. Magnus asked, having noticed that he was day dreaming.

"Yeah, um sure….actually no. I'm sorry Alice , we were discussing a course of action right?" Jack apologized and joined his colleague in front of the scans she was studying.

He barely had a moment to refocus when his phone beeped. Jack hit the speaker button.

"Yeah Dana?" Jack asked and continued to study the scans.

"I'm sorry to bother you doctor, but your son is on the line." Dana told him.

"Okay, put him through." Jack sighed knowing he was about to do battle with a six year old, just like he had done every morning the entire week.

"Daddy I'm really sick." Sam whined into the phone.

"What's wrong?" Jack asked his tone calm, concerned.

"My tummy hurts so much, I think I might throw up if I go to school." Sam told him.

"What does Kate think?" Jack asked.

"I didn't told her, she's not my mom." Sam replied.

"No, but she can tell if you're sick and decide whether or not you should go to school." Jack told him.

"Daddy please, I'm so sick." Sam whined on the verge of tears.

"Sam, we do this every day and once you get to school you are fine. Maybe I need to have Kate bring you in to see me." Jack suggested.

"I can come to your work?" Sam asked excitedly.

"No, I have to work Sam, but you can come in here and let one of these doctors check you out. Do you think you need to see a doctor?" Jack asked taking note of the grin on his colleague's face.

"Will I get a shot?" Sam asked.

"If you need one you will." Jack told him.

"Daddy no, I just want to stay home and feel better." Sam cried.

Jack heard noise in the background and then Sam crying to someone that his daddy said he had go see the doctor and then Kate's voice came on the line. Jack picked up the phone and took it off the speaker.

"I'm sorry Jack, I didn't know he was in here calling you." Kate apologized.

"It's fine. Is he really sick or is it just more of the same?" Jack asked.

"He ate a waffle with peanut butter and drank a full glass of chocolate milk for breakfast. I think he's just still feeling anxious about school, but I can cancel my meeting this morning if you think I should bring him in to see a doctor." Kate told him.

"No, I trust your judgment and agree that he's not really sick." Jack said.

"He's not Jack, but he's obviously unhappy with school so I'm going to schedule a time for you to talk with his teacher. What's good for you?" Kate asked.

"You mean us." Jack said.

"What?" Kate asked.

"Us, a time for both of us to talk to his teacher, I'd like for you to be there, if you have time and want to be there." He said.

"Of course, is this afternoon good if she's available?" Kate asked.

"Any time after 4 PM is good for me. Call me or text me later and let me know." Jack said.

"Okay, well I should begin the morning battle or I will be late for my appointment." Kate said.

"Hey, I love you and I appreciate you more than you'll ever know. Can you put Sam back on the phone?" Jack said and waited for the boy to return to the line.

"Daddy I'm not going! You're a stupid meanie!" Sam yelled into the phone.

"Whoa buddy, you're about to be in trouble. I want you to settle down, get your shoes on, brush your teeth and go to school. If I find out you gave Kate a hard time we won't be going to buy a new car for the trains this weekend." Jack warned.

"I don't care! I hate trains! I hate you!" Sam yelled.

"Sam, just because I'm at work right now doesn't mean I'll forget about this before I get home. Do you want to get punished when I get home or do you want to play outside like I promised we would? It's up to you, but if you say one more hateful thing to me you will be going to bed as soon as I get home." Jack said sternly.

"No daddy we are going to shoot the ball, you promised." Sam cried.

"Are you going to dry up and go to school without giving Kate any trouble?" Jack asked.

"I will, I promise." Sam said.

"Okay, you keep your promise and I'll keep mine. Now, hang up the phone and get ready for school and Sam, I love you." Jack said and heard the phone click.

Sam wouldn't say it back, it was his way of punishing Jack for making him go to school without getting himself into trouble. Jack shook his head, chuckling at the stubbornness of the boy and dropped the phone's receiver back into its holder.

"If someone had told me I would've just witnessed what I just witnessed I would've told them they were crazy, that there was no way Jack Shephard would be this family man that would interrupt a conference with a colleague to battle with a child over going to school." Alice Magnus teased.

"Sorry about that and yeah, I would've told them they were crazy too, but that guy doesn't work here anymore or at least he can't work here anymore until he gets his personal life in order." Jack said.

"Good luck with that Jack. Just be glad you're established and not still a resident. I had my first child during my second year of residency and needless to say I pretty much missed her formative years." Alice told him.

"And now?" Jack asked.

"I still miss things, but luckily I have a supportive husband that picks up the slack." She answered.

"I'm sure I'd never be referred to as anyone's supportive husband." Jack laughed lightly.

"No, but you're doing pretty good considering that four or five months ago you were a painfully single workaholic with no ties to anyone or anything and it sounds like you're girlfriend is pretty supportive. I bet you can't remember what your life used to be like before that little boy was dropped on your doorstep and hopefully you aren't considering going back to your 100 hour weeks" Alice said.

"So, back to your scans." Jack said becoming uncomfortable with the conversation and steering it back in the direction of work.

Jack spent the rest of the morning seeing patients and trying to figure out ways to lighten his work load because the truth of the matter was that he was feeling torn between his work and the two people waiting at home for him and it scared him how easily he could allow himself to fall back into his old habits.

He hadn't heard from Kate, but it was only about 1:00 PM so he didn't think anything of it. He was finishing up with a patient when he heard a light knock on the door.

"Come in." Jack called.

"Dr. Shephard you have a phone call." Dana told him.

"Take a message Dana, I'm with a patient." Jack replied a little aggravated that she'd interrupt him for a phone call.

"I think you should take the call Dr. Shephard." Dana insisted.

Jack looked at her strangely and finally understood that something was wrong, something that needed his immediate attention.

"Mrs. Potter, I'm going to have to go take this phone call. You're doing great. I want to see you again in two weeks. Dana can you finish up for me?" Jack asked.

"Yes, doctor." Dana said and watched him walk out.

Jack stepped into his office, took the phone call and headed for the lobby. He stopped and popped his head into the exam room he'd exited previously.

"I'll reschedule your consults this afternoon." Dana said before he had a chance to ask.

"Thanks and remind me to give you a raise." Jack said and exited the facility.

Jack pulled into the parking lot of Sam's elementary school and noticed the police cruiser sitting out front immediately. He found a parking place and entered the building, walked toward the office and after taking a moment to catch his breath and collect himself, he opened the door.

"Can I help you?" The young woman behind the desk asked.

"I'm Jack Shephard, they called me about……" Jack struggled for the right words.

"Go right in Mr. Shephard, Mrs. Haskins is waiting for you." The woman said.

Jack opened the door, spotted the principal sitting behind her desk, Kate in one corner, Misty in another corner and a police officer sitting between them. He looked at Kate with puzzlement and a hint of anger and she dropped her head so he couldn't see the tears forming. He didn't see Sam though and that concerned him.

"Where is Sam?" Jack asked.

"He and Drake are in our clinic. Drake is the boy that Sam bit. Please have a seat Mr. Shephard." Mrs. Haskins told him

"No, I want to see the two boys first. You said they were both hurt, that the boy's bite is bad and that Sam is favoring his arm." Jack argued.

"They are in good hands Mr. Shephard." Mrs. Haskins assured him.

"I'd like to see that for myself. Let me see the boys and then we can deal with this…………….mess." He demanded, pausing for a long time before delivering the last word, the unease he was feeling over the situation coming through loud and clear.

"Fine, I'll take you to them." Mrs. Haskins replied and led Jack out of the room.

Jack examined Drake first. Drake was Misty's 9 year old son from a previous marriage. He was a bit of a bully or so Christy and Rick had told Jack. He peeled the bloody bandage away from the bite on the boy's stomach and was shocked at what he found. He covered the bite back up and looked at the principal.

"Are you sure my son did this?" Jack asked.

"Positive. It took two of us to pull him away." Mrs. Haskins told him.

"This is bad. He needs to be taken to the nearest ER as soon as possible and have that cleaned properly and stitched." Jack said and then moved across the room to where Sam was lying on his side curled up in a ball.

"You said he fell from the top of the monkey bars. How far was the fall do you think?" Jack asked.

"About 5 feet and he landed on his arm. I'm sorry, he ran away from us and climbed up there and lost his grip. He was very upset Mr. Shephard." Mrs. Haskins told him.

"Daddy, my arm hurts." Sam whined.

"I know buddy. What happened today Sam? Why would you bite Drake and run away from your teachers?" Jack asked in a soft, non-threatening tone.

"He pushed me down and made me eat dirt and then he said bad things about my mommy. I don't like it here daddy." Sam cried.

Jack put a comforting hand on the boy's back and looked at the principal.

"Are the children not supervised while they are outside?" Jack asked.

"Of course they are, but we can't be everywhere." Mrs. Haskins said.

"And letting children of such vastly different sizes and ages play together is normal practice?" Jack asked.

"No, but we're still getting settled in. First grade students are typically only on the playground with other first graders and the children in grade two." Mrs. Haskins said.

Jack looked at Sam's arm and could see by the way that he was holding it that it was most likely a collar bone injury and not the arm itself. He was calm, quiet and close to falling asleep so he didn't try to examine him.

"I have to go talk to Mrs. Haskins and then I'll come back and get you. You stay here with this nice lady and I'll be right back. Okay?" Jack coaxed.

"Okay." Sam agreed.

Jack followed Mrs. Haskins back to her office, stood and studied the two women for a moment and then asked if he could be alone with Misty. He and Misty left the room and sat outside the office talking.

"What happened?" Jack asked.

"Don't ask me Jack, ask your crazy girlfriend. She attacked me. Look at me, I'm the one that's beat up here." Misty complained.

"Kate just hit you for no reason." Jack asked with a tone of doubt in his voice.

"Yes, just like she did at the party. She's crazy Jack!" Misty shrieked.

"So you were just standing there minding your own business and Kate attacked you?" Jack asked the same tone of doubt in his voice.

"Maybe she's jealous Jack." Misty offered.

"Jealous of what?" Jack asked.

"Of us." Misty replied.

"What us? There is no us? Come on Misty spill. What happened here today?" Jack asked.

"What difference does it make Jack. You'll just take her side no matter what I tell you so why not just let me press charges so we can all get out of here." Misty threatened.

"Misty, I'm not looking to take sides. I'm trying to understand what happened, but if you want to force me to choose sides then yes I will choose Kate every time. You and me, we're friends, but I'm in love with Kate and she's going to get my support whether she deserves it or not." Jack told her.

"I don't know what happened Jack. I came here to get Drake because that brat of yours bit him. When I got here the boys were in the office crying and Drake had all that blood on his shirt and I kind of freaked a little and grabbed Sam by the arms and shook him, but I didn't shake him hard. He screamed out in pain and said that I was hurting him and your nutso girlfriend went crazy." Misty told him.

Jack looked at the small cut above Misty's eye and the one on her lip. Neither was deep enough to require stitches, but her eye was swelling shut and turning a dark shade of purple and Jack was disheartened by how violent the attack must've been.

"Listen Misty, I'm really sorry about this and about Drake. I want you to take Drake to the ER at the hospital I work at. I'll call them and tell them you're coming and what you need. I'll tell them to make sure they send the bill to me." Jack said.

"I have insurance Jack, just fix it so I don't have to wait for hours and that'll be enough." Misty said.

"I can do that. Now, I'm going to ask for a really big favor." Jack said.

"You don't want me to press charges." Misty sighed.

"Please Misty, I'm asking you as a friend to please do this favor for me." Jack pleaded.

"Well you did help me take care of that one medical issue and you didn't tell anyone so I guess I owe you one, but Jack, you need to get some help for them, they're both crazy." Misty told him striking a nerve.

"They aren't crazy and I'm getting tired of hearing you say that. Let's be honest Misty, if your son hadn't been bullying Sam and no doubt repeating things he's heard you say about Sam's mother then we wouldn't be sitting here negotiating right now." Jack accused.

"Fine Jack, whatever, let's just get finish up here so I can get Drake taken care of." Misty huffed and stood to walk back into the principal's office.

Kate glared at him when he came back through the door, not understanding that he had been negotiating on her behalf, but instead believing he was mad at her and taking Misty's side. Jack wasn't sure what to make of Kate or her recent behavior, but he was sure she was either going to open up and talk to him or find someone she could talk to because her bouts of violent behavior couldn't continue.

"I'm not going to press charges." Misty said

"That's fine Ms. Harper, but there has been an assault here so I'm going to have to arrest Ms. Austen." The police officer said.

"What assault? I walked into a door." Misty said.

The police officer left and while Jack called to make arrangements for Drake to be seen and for Dr. Magnus to take a look at Sam, Kate left. He shoved his cell phone in his pocket, turned around to talk to Misty and noticed Kate was gone.

"Did Kate leave?" Jack asked.

"Looks that way." Misty replied.

"Did she say where she was going?" Jack asked.

"She didn't say anything, she just left." Misty said.

"Great. I uh called the hospital. They're expecting you." Jack said.

"Thanks. Is Drake going to be suspended?" Misty asked the principal.

"You know the drill Ms. Harper, fighting is an automatic 3-day suspension." The principal told her.

Jack watched Misty walk out, nodded at the principal and started to follow her.

"Mr. Shephard can you please sit down, I'd like to talk with you for a moment." Mrs. Haskins said.

"Can we do this later, I need to get my son to a doctor." Jack said.

"We are going to do this later, but right now I just need a moment of your time." She said.

Jack moved back into the office and took a seat in one of the chairs in front of her desk.

"We aren't going to suspend Sam because he never should've been on the playground with boys that much bigger and older and also because Sam is struggling enough without allowing him to label himself as bad or trouble or unwanted." She explained.

"I appreciate that and I will talk to him about why what he did was wrong." Jack said.

"We tried to reach you when the incident occurred, but could only get voice mail. Is there another number where we can reach you?" She asked.

"The office was probably closed for lunch. I'll leave you my cell phone number, but I'm a very busy surgeon and my availability is limited. Kate and I agreed she'd be the emergency contact so you did the right thing calling her." Jack explained.

"I don't know what Ms Harper told you Mr. Shephard, but your friend Kate, she warned her to let go of Sam twice before she resorted to violence." She told him.

"I appreciate that, but it's still inappropriate." Jack said.

"I agree, but I think the child's ear piercing cries put her over the edge. I've only met Kate a couple of times but she seems to genuinely care about your son and he seems very attached to her. Just let her know that she's welcome in our school any time." Mrs. Haskins told him.

"I will and thank you." Jack said.

"Sam's teacher, Mrs. Springfield is scheduled to meet with you this afternoon. If you can't be here by 5 PM please let me know and we'll reschedule, but it's very important that we talk about Sam and his options." She said.

"His options?" Jack asked.

"We'll discuss all of that when you meet with his teacher." She said.

"Okay, I'll be here." Jack said and stood, shaking her hand.

Jack thanked the woman again, retrieved Sam and took him to his office so his colleague could do x-rays and determine if anything was broken. His sat beside Sam while he was prepped and positioned for x-rays. His mind was splintering off in different directions as he worried about his son and worried what "options" meant. He worried about the patients he'd not been available to all afternoon and how rescheduling them would make the next week busier than his personal life could stand right now. He worried about Kate, was worried about what was going on with her, but was also scared that she wouldn't be there when he got home. The idea of that took his breath away and he wondered if she felt the same way, if she could at this point consider not going to sleep with him every night and waking up beside him every morning and he shook his head in disbelief.

"Who are you and what have you done with the real Jack Shephard?" He mumbled to himself.


	16. Chapter 16

Jack sat on the couch in his office watching Sam sleep, the day and the pain of jostling him around for the x-rays having worn him out. Alice Magnus knocked and entered his office.

"He's got a hairline fracture on his right clavicle. It'll be tender, but not nearly as difficult to deal with as a clean break." Alice said.

"Thanks, I appreciate you squeezing him in." Jack said as he stood and stretched.

"Those breaks to his arms, they're still weak, he's lucky he didn't tweak one of them. How did he break his arms Jack?" Alice asked.

"I really don't know the details, it happened before I got him. He told me he jumped from a swing and landed on his hands." Jack said.

"Ouch, that had to hurt." Alice said.

"Yeah, so could I trouble you for one more really big favor?" Jack asked, walking toward the credenza behind his desk and retrieving a large envelope.

"Sure." Alice said.

"These are Sam's medical records. I had them transferred to me a couple of months ago, but haven't done anything with them. Could you update them with today's x-rays and your notes and I promise to find a pediatrician to hand them over to." Jack said.

"Of course, but I'll need to make a file for this facility too." She said.

"Not a problem Alice, just have Dana file it; she's got all my policy numbers." Jack said.

Alice fit Sam with a sling and Jack drove the sleepy, cranky child home. Much to his relief Kate's car was in the driveway. He carried Sam into the house, made him comfortable in his bed and read to him until he went to sleep. He then joined Kate in the living room. He sat beside her and tried to kiss her, but she pulled away from him.

"Kate, we have to talk about what happened today." Jack said.

"What's to talk about Jack? You didn't want to be bothered with what I had to say earlier." Kate said.

"You left before I had a chance to talk to you." He defended himself.

"You had time to talk to Misty." Kate said.

"Kate, I was trying to diffuse the situation, trying to keep you out of jail." Jack explained.

"Maybe I didn't want you to keep me out of jail." Kate shrugged.

"Kate, please talk to me. What is going on with you?" Jack asked more concerned about her than angry over what had happened.

"It doesn't matter." Kate said sadly and left the room quickly.

Jack followed her into the bedroom, watched her enter the closet and return with jeans and a shirt. She began stripping out of the clothes she was wearing.

"What are you doing?" Jack asked.

"I'm going out. I can't be around you right now." She said and stripped down to her panties and bra and tried to pass by him in route to the bathroom.

Jack grabbed her arm and stopped her, forcing her to turn around and look at him.

"You can't be around me? What did I do?" He asked remaining calm.

"Nothing, that's just it. You should be yelling and screaming and demanding answers from me, but instead all you do is coddle and protect and ask pretty please if I'll tell you why I tried to kill Misty with my bare hands. Don't you care that I'm a fucking lunatic Jack?!" Kate yelled at him and let go of her tears.

Jack pulled her into him. She fought him at first, but then gave in to the feeling of security that being in his arms could provide and just let him hold her.

"Kate, I was confused and a little angry when I got to the school, but I'm not mad at you and I don't want to yell at you or demand anything from you. I just want to understand what's going on inside your head because yes I do care about you and your happiness very much." Jack told her.

"I just can't……..I can't let it go." Kate cried into his chest.

"Can't let go of what? What happened Kate? Mrs. Haskins told me that Sam was crying, that you warned Misty to let go of him, that his cries are what put you over the edge." Jack spoke softly to her while continuing to hold her close.

"Jeffrey cried out and I didn't go to him, I didn't protect him. Mothers are supposed to protect their children Jack and I didn't. I let him shake him so hard his brain started bleeding. I let him slam him against the rails of his crib so hard is skull was fractured. I was sick, I couldn't get out of bed. I heard the shrill cry and I knew he was in pain, but I couldn't move, and then it was all quiet. I thought he comforted him, I thought Jeffrey had just gone to sleep. He wasn't crying anymore, I thought……I thought he was sleeping, but then I couldn't……I couldn't…..wake him up. I can't stand to hear the cries Jack. I had to protect Sam. I have to protect all of them." She sobbed into his chest, her words broken as she choked out the trauma from her past.

"Kate…." He tried to speak, but she pulled back angrily and cut him off.

"No! Don't say a word! Don't you try to make me feel better god dammit! He was going to be two in just a few days. He would hold his fingers up and say 'I two'!" She told him, taking a quick break from the crazed anger to smile at the memory.

"He was the most precious thing in my life and I just lay their and let his father kill him!" Kate continued on, near hysterics and fighting against him and then finally letting him pull her back into his chest, sobbing and leaning heavily into him.

"Shh…you're going to be okay Kate, just try to settle down." Jack tried to calm and soothe her.

"I need to lie down Jack." She told him.

He walked her over to the bed and pulled the blankets back. She lay on her side and he snuggled in behind her, spooning his body around hers and encouraging her to keep talking.

"I was in college on the east coast when I got pregnant. Daddy was pretty unhappy, but he insisted on a wedding that was the party of the century. He bought Danny and I a nice little house near the campus and Jeffrey was born 7 months later. It was a difficult delivery and there were complications. They couldn't stop the bleeding so they had to take my uterus. Danny was happy at first, but I think he was just too young and he hated being under my father's thumb. I knew he was becoming increasingly angry and frustrated, but I never would've dreamed he would hurt Jeffrey." Kate spoke softly.

"What happened?" Jack asked.

"I had the flu. I was so sick and so dizzy that I couldn't move. Jeffrey was sick too. Danny was taking care of us. Jeffrey had diarrhea really bad and he was bleeding raw from it and Danny was exhausted. I offered to call my dad to come help us but he refused. I could hear Jeffrey screaming and I wanted to go to him, but I couldn't move. I told Danny to put him in a warm bath, try to soothe him and soothe his raw bottom. I don't know what happened after that, I only know what I've been told." Kate said.

"Told by whom?" Jack asked.

"The police detective that got Danny to confess to killing my son, he told me that Jeffrey had a bowel movement in the bathtub and that Danny just snapped. He said Danny picked him up out of the water, shook him hard a few times and then in the same fit of rage threw him hard into his crib. That must've been when I heard the shrill cry, but I couldn't move. He was crying for me, "mommy, mommy, mommy" and I started pulling myself out of bed. I finally got sat up and was just about to try to stand when the crying stopped. I thought Danny had finally found a way to comfort him, but I guess in that same fit of rage he picked him back up and just shook him and shook him until he went silent. I went in the next morning to see if he was awake and he was cold, so cold." She recounted and then rolled over to face him, fresh, wet tears streaming down her sad face.

He watched her, watched her struggle, saw the intense sadness in her eyes and wanted to protect her, to wrap her up in his arms and make it all go away, but instead he stopped fighting his own emotions, the pain and sadness that he was feeling for her and allowed a tear to roll down his face. She placed her lips on his face, kissed the salty liquid and continued.

"He must've been so scared Jack. He must've wondered why I wasn't coming to help him. When I think of the final moments of my baby's life it is so unbearable that I want to die. I didn't protect him Jack, but I won't fail another child." She told him.

He wrapped his arms around her again and hugged her tightly, finally pulling back and kissing her forehead gently.

"I am so sorry Kate." He said his voice thick with sorrow for her and the tremendous guilt he felt over her having to watch his resistance toward Sam.

"Don't do that Jack. You are a good man and a good father." Kate scolded him having recognized the tone in his voice.

"Kate, I appreciate that, but let's not make this about me. You are the one hurting and suffering and I'm here for you, I will always be here for you. I wish I had some magic words for you, something that would make things make sense." He told her and kissed her softly.

"It's okay Jack, there aren't any magic words for this. It's tragic and it's senseless. I moved to Los Angeles a couple of months after, finished school, kept to myself and devoted my life to fighting for those who are too small to fight back. You're the first person I've ever told about Jeffrey and I know you want to try to convince me that I shouldn't blame myself, but I think you've been a father long enough to understand why I blame myself and I appreciate that you haven't gone there." She told him, his soft, warm watery eyes drawing her in and soothing all of her pain.

"What happened to Danny?" Jack asked.

"He was out on bail, awaiting trial. He was found with a bullet in the back of his head, execution style. I wondered why my father posted his bail, but as soon as they found the body I knew why." Kate told him.

"Your father killed him?" Jack asked.

"Daddy had him killed. He never admitted that to me and they couldn't prove it, but I know that he did it. I wasn't sorry though. He deserved to die for what he did to Jeffrey. Do you think that makes me a bad person Jack?" She asked.

"Does my feeling like Drake Harper got exactly what he deserved today make me a bad person? I'm not going to pass judgment Kate. I can't imagine what any person would do or feel in that situation." He told her and she could see in his eyes that he meant it.

"I'm sorry I made such a scene today Jack. He's been so unhappy and he's so small and I was already fuming over the idea that he'd been pushed down and forced to eat dirt and when she started shaking him and he was crying out in obvious pain I went nuts. I hate that one of us wasn't there to protect him today. He must've been so scared when that much larger boy started picking on him." Kate explained, her voice cracking as she became emotional again.

He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly.

"I know baby, but he's okay and he's lucky to have you to love him so much." He spoke softly.

"I do love him Jack, so much more than I ever wanted to allow myself to love that little boy. I just want to wrap my arms around him and protect him from the world." She admitted.

"Marry me Kate." He whispered.

"What? Jack, where did that come….." She tried to protest, but was stopped by him placing a finger over her lips.

"I've been thinking about it for days, even looked at some rings yesterday. Marry me Kate, marry both of us. Sam and I love you and we need you in our lives. Marry me and let's be a family." Jack continued his proposal.

She started to speak and he silenced her again by kissing her, a kiss that grew deeper and lasted longer than either intended. She pulled away, wrapped her arms around his shoulders and moved her mouth to his ear.

"Make love to me Jack. Make me feel like only you can." She whispered.

"I'm going to, but not now, later when I have time to do it right. We have to be at Sam's school in 30 minutes and I plan spending much longer than that just pampering and spoiling you." Jack told her.

"Yeah, so tell me more." Kate played along.

"I'm going to take my family out to dinner and then I'm going to put Sam to bed and then I'm going to run you a hot bath and take my time slowly undressing you." He told her.

"Will you be joining me?" She asked.

"You have to wait until later to find out." He teased.

"I love you so much Jack Shephard." She said and moved her hand over the side of his face.

"I love you too Kate Austen." He said and kissed her again.

They left Sam with Christy. It was the first time he'd ever reached out to his neighbor for help with Sam and her reaction to being asked made Jack feel a little guilty. His resistance to asking for help had been all about his stubborn pride and loner tendencies, but for his neighbor it felt like a bit of a personal insult.

Jack promised to ask Christy and Rick to keep Sam overnight sometime and made the short drive to the school. They walked into the school, hand in hand, their relationship changed, the trust between them deeper and stronger, the love between them proving to be powerful enough to face any challenge as long as they faced those challenges together. They entered the school and entered the office where they found Mrs. Haskins and Mrs. Springfield waiting for them. They sat side by side in two of the chairs, anxious to hear what Sam's options were and what exactly that meant.

"I gather from the conversation I had with Ms. Austen this morning that you are both aware that Sam is having some problems. The reality of the situation is that Sam is really struggling and I don't see that improving any time soon. His recent loss coupled with his lack of emotional maturity is making for one miserable little boy. He's just not ready for the structured and fast paced environment of a first grade classroom." Mrs. Springfield explained.

"What are you suggesting? Holding him back? Repeating Kindergarten?" Jack asked leaning forward in his chair, his pride wounded a bit by the idea that son was too stupid for first grade. He felt Kate squeeze his hand and relaxed back into his chair.

"Your reaction is common Mr. Shephard and please understand that we aren't talking about Sam's academic abilities. Little boys typically mature slower emotionally and he's still so young in that respect. He's so little and sweet and completely overwhelmed right now. I have to resist the urge to just keep him in my lap all day." She admitted making Kate smile, understanding how rotten Sam could be, but also how irresistibly cute and sweet he was.

"Okay, so what do we do?" Jack asked his tone calm now and suggesting he was willing to do whatever it took to make his son happy.

"We have a program we call transitional first or T-1, which allows these children to continue learning new things while giving them an extra year to mature emotionally. The children that move on from our T-1 program typically do very well down the road. They typically display confidence and leadership in the years that follow while those who needed the extra year and didn't get it tend to be quiet, shy followers with no confidence. Most of them who needed the extra year and didn't get it continue to struggle and eventually end up having to repeat a grade somewhere down the line. We've found that holding them back while the children are still too young to notice and tease them and while they are still too young to view it as a failure on their part is the better situation for the child. Do you think you might want to consider something like this for Sam?" Mrs. Springfield asked.

"Is it safe to assume you have room for Sam in your program?" Kate asked.

"Yes, our program only allows for a limited number of students, 12 to be exact and as of today Sam would be number 10. The small class size allows for an intimate, warmer, safer feeling environment, much more one on one time with their teacher and allows these young children to not feel so overwhelmed. They also have their own recess time so there would be no more bullying on the playground." She explained.

Jack looked at Kate and without saying a word they both agreed that what the school was offering sounded like something that would greatly benefit Sam.

"What do we need to do to get him into the program?" Jack asked.

"Nothing, I'll throw the paperwork together and send it home with Sam. When he comes to school on Monday, I'll introduce him to his new teacher." Mrs. Springfield told them.

They walked out of the school hand in hand, they stopped beside the car and she turned to face him wondering why he hadn't unlocked the door yet.

"Do you think we did the right thing Kate? I mean he needs this right? We aren't just giving into the whines of a six year old are we?" He asked.

"What do you think Jack?" She asked.

"I just want him to be happy Kate. Is what we're doing going to help Sam be a little less miserable?" Jack asked, genuinely concerned about the boy and trusting that she knew better than he did when it came to decisions like this.

"I've heard of the T-1 program Jack and everything she said about it is accurate. I would feel better knowing he was in that environment right now because I agree that he isn't ready to be thrown to the wolves." Kate said.

"Going to first grade is being thrown to the wolves?" Jack asked with a bit of a grin.

"It is if you're a scared, timid, sad little boy who needs some time to mature emotionally." Kate shot back, not finding the situation amusing.

"Sorry, you're right. I don't think I was ever a "little boy" so I can't relate to what he's feeling, but I want to be supportive and plan to be. We'll make a big deal about it all weekend, get him psyched for Monday." He said and kissed her softly.

He moved back a little and she pulled him back in, kissing him so passionately it left him feeling breathless as well as wanted, needed, loved and appreciated the way that only she could make him feel and he smiled at her.

"What'd I do to deserve that?" He asked and pressed the button to unlock the doors.

"That was for proving me right." Kate said.

"About what?" He chuckled.

"About the kind of man you are and yes Jack, I'll marry you, but there are some things you need to know first." She said.


	17. Chapter 17

He sat in his office familiarizing himself with the patients and consults he was scheduled to see throughout the day. It was early, their offices not due to open for another two hours, but he was falling behind more and more each day and knew that there were some 14 to 16 hour days in his near future. He had surgeries scheduled the rest of the week as well as follow-up patients, new patients and consults booked into his afternoon office hours. He had to regain his focus and be allowed to stay focused for a few weeks or he was going to have to start referring his patients to surgeons who could give them the time and attention they deserved. What he did, the delicate surgeries he performed, required he not be as distracted as he had been lately. He hoped Sam would have a better week in his new situation and he hoped that Kate would settle back into her passion in life and that the painful memories of the child she lost and how she lost him would become more manageable for her.

She'd agreed to marry him, but only after he agreed to listen to some fairly startling reveals about her past. They'd let Christy keep Sam for them and had gone to her house, the house she still owned and hadn't bothered to pack up yet. She sat him down and she sat beside him with a photo album, opening it slowly and taking him through it page by page. The first page a newspaper clipping about the murder of a couple in New Jersey and the search for their two year old daughter, followed by several more clippings about suspected mob hits in the New Jersey, Philadelphia, New York and Boston areas that spanned over a 20 year period and photos of the man, the mob boss believed to be behind all of it.

When she turned the page to the family photo, the photo of herself along with two young men about the same age as her and the man from all the newspaper clippings he felt his blood run cold for a moment. The realization that he'd managed to fall in love with the daughter of one of the biggest mobsters on the east coast shook him to the core and for the first time since he'd accepted his feelings for her, he was full of doubt. She saw the doubt immediately and she didn't hold it against him, but only asked for the chance to explain.

She was the missing the two year old girl, her parents executed and she taken from her crib. The man she'd come to know as "daddy" took her to Massachusetts with him, took her into his home and raised her as his own and always treated her as his precious little princess that was to never be involved in what he did. He never wanted her to know what he did, keeping her tucked safely away in the best private schools, her last name different from his and his people always looking out for her. She'd begun to understand exactly what her father was around the age of 12 though and while she continued to pretend for his sake, she researched and kept the scrapbook, finally confronting him about her parents and how he came to be her father when she was 19 and going away to college.

His answer to her was simple. Her real father had taken something from him, something he loved and for that he had to watch his wife executed and then he himself be executed, but not before seeing the man who would become the only father she would ever know cradling his little girl in his arms. It was how the game was played. Her real father had been responsible for the death of her adoptive father's wife, leaving him with two young sons and a debt that had to be paid regardless of how unintentional the death of his wife had been.

His wife happened to get caught in the wrong place at the wrong the wrong time, but that didn't matter, she was dead and the man directly responsible had to pay for it. The last thing he saw before the bullet was shot into the back of his head was the man walking away with his baby daughter, a sight Kate's adoptive father hoped the man carried with him if there was indeed an afterlife.

Kate was upset by the admittance, but she had no memory of her parents and she loved her father dearly so she accepted him and what he'd done. Per his wishes she continued to live her life outside of what he did and what he was, safe from his world, but not completely unaffected as far as Jack was concerned. Kate moved to Los Angeles to finish school after the death of her son putting 3,000 miles between her and the family business, flying in under the radar to visit her father as lung cancer slowly took his life.

He left Kate a large sum of money and left the family business to his two sons, her two older brothers, brothers that would kill anyone that said boo to her, but who also kept their distance, finding ways to stay in touch and see her occasionally, but always respecting their father's wishes to never allow her to be involved or hurt because of them.

Jack was rattled by the reveal about her family, concerned that Kate's upbringing had engrained a predisposition toward violence in her, that Kate's quick answer to anything that hurt someone she loved was to be violent or even kill. The calm, almost cold way she'd divulged that her son's killer was murdered and most likely at the hands of her father had shaken him, but she was so upset that day that he didn't let her see that. He couldn't be sure if he'd feel the least little bit of remorse over the eventual cold-blooded murder of the person that had hurt someone he loves so he didn't want to judge her. He loved her more than he had ever loved anyone or anything in his life and he was certain that was the main reason he'd been so understanding of her violent behavior and of the cold, unfeeling way she'd described her husband's demise, but he knew they had to talk about it, that he had to ask the questions that were on his mind.

Jack's father was a cold, detached almost cruel son-of-a-bitch that only acknowledged he had a son when he could show him off, but surprisingly, no one more surprised than Jack, he hadn't become his father or at least not yet. He fell in love with Sam almost instantly, but had fought the natural feelings because he was certain he would be no better at parenting than his father had been and wanted something better than that for Sam. Kate had helped him get in touch with his feelings and most importantly had helped him stop being afraid to love someone with all his heart. She had always given him the benefit of the doubt and she deserved the same in return. There was so much genuine goodness in her, did it really matter if her approach to handling adversity could be a bit extreme?

He shook his head, trying to force himself to focus on his work and put the issues in his personal life out of his mind for a few hours. He was successful in this endeavor and a little over an hour later a knock on his door snapped him out of the deep level of concentration he'd managed to achieve.

"Come in." Jack called and watched Alice Magnus enter his office.

Without saying word she began hanging x-rays and then flipped the light on so he could see them.

"What's this?" Jack asked.

"These are the x-rays that were taken of Sam's arms on the day of the injury. What do you see Jack?" Alice asked.

Jack stood and walked over to the wall where the x-rays were on display. He studied them for a moment and then looked at his colleague.

"Are you sure these are Sam's?" Jack asked.

Alice hung another set of x-rays for him to view.

"These are the x-rays we took last Friday. As you can see the breaks are still very weak and could possibly need to be reset if they don't eventually fully fuse." Alice said.

"I just assumed when he said he jumped from a swing his wrists snapped from the force of the impact, but this, this is…….how did this get by a trained physician?" Jack asked clearly disturbed and upset by what he was seeing.

"I don't know Jack, but there is no way those breaks happened the way Sam described. Those are clearly spiral fractures. Someone grabbed hold of his wrists and twisted his arms until the bones in his forearms snapped. I know he's small and that the force required to do this wouldn't have to be excessively violent, but…" Alice stated and Jack cut her off.

"But nothing, it would require a deliberate act of violence against a small child to do this. I can't even imagine the pain he must've experienced. Who would do this?" Jack asked, his voice trembling with a mixture of rage and sadness.

"His mother?" Alice said quietly, carefully.

"Carrie could be a bit high strung, but…….I guess I really couldn't say what she may or may not have been capable of, I didn't know much about her beyond…..well, you know." Jack said, unable to hide the shame he suddenly felt.

"Does he display any of the symptoms of an abused child?" Alice asked.

"You ask that as if I'd know what those symptoms are." Jack sighed.

"Come on Jack, you're a smart, educated man that has had enough training and seen enough to be able to recognize the classic signs." Alice pushed.

"He's been confused about what happened to his mother and he acts out and can be a handful, but….surely Kate would've picked up on that." Jack said.

"Sorry?" Alice asked.

"Kate, that's what she does, she's a social worker, deals with abused children. This doesn't make any sense. Do you think maybe we're just wrong and he broke his arms the way he said?" Jack asked, knowing better, but not wanting to believe what he was seeing.

"Jack, somebody intentionally did this to him and maybe it was the only time things got out of hand, but this is clearly abuse. I don't want to tell you how to raise your son, but getting him to talk about this would probably be in his best interest." Alice told him.

He didn't respond, he was staring at the x-rays and beyond.

"Bring him back to see me in a month and we'll get a fresh set of pictures, make sure the bones are progressing. Jack?" Alice pushed noticing that his mind was somewhere other than in the room.

"Yes, bring him back, I will and thanks." Jack told her still distracted.

"Are you okay Jack?" She asked.

"Huh? Yeah, I've just a got a lot on my plate right now." He told her.

They heard a knock on the door and before Jack could respond the door opened, the last person on earth he wanted to see on a good day, much less on a bad one entering the room. His father, Christian Shephard, retired renowned surgeon and all around asshole was standing just a few feet from him. Jack became angry immediately, jerked the x-rays down, handed them to Alice and politely escorted her out of the room, closing the door behind him, turning, hands shoved in his pockets and ready to battle.

"What are you doing here?" Jack asked.

"A father can't come to see his son?" Christian asked.

"Because you do that so often right?" Jack bit back sarcastically.

"Well maybe if I felt welcome I would." Christian said.

"What do you want dad?" Jack asked hatefully.

"Want? I don't want anything. I hear I have a grandson." Christian continued.

"Yeah, where'd you hear that?" Jack asked.

"I ran into one of your colleagues last week, we had dinner and since you never talk to me I asked him about you once I realized he knew you. He mentioned you'd taken some time off to spend with your son. Imagine my surprise. An illegitimate love child, really Jack, that's so, well stupid. Oh, but I guess in your case it wasn't a love child, just illegitimate." Christian taunted.

"What can I say dad, I wasn't as good at lovin em and leavin em as you were." Jack hissed.

"Oh no, I suspect you were every bit as good at it, you just got lazy and managed to leave a piece of yourself behind. So what are you going to do with him?" Christian asked.

"Do with him? You say that like he's a puppy or something." Jack said.

"Free to a good home, right son?" Christian said taking note of the renewed anger in his son's eyes.

"He's staying with me dad. We're making a home for him." Jack answered flatly.

"We?" Christian asked.

"Kate and I." He answered.

"You are playing house? Jack, come on son, we both know you don't have it in you, you're too much like your old man." Christian scoffed.

"Dad, did you need something because I'm buried here and need to get back to work." Jack asked through a heavy sigh.

"I came to tell you your mother passed away yesterday." Christian said.

Jack was momentarily stunned, not stunned that his mother was dead, but stunned that he actually felt a twinge of sadness over the news of her passing, the stunned moment of sadness suddenly replaced with a rage that came over him so fast he had to grab hold of the desk to keep from taking a swing at his father.

"Get out!" Jack demanded, startling the older man enough to take a step backward.

"I haven't seen you in two years, I just tell you your mother has died and you're throwing me out?" Christian asked surprised by Jack's display of emotion, emotions he would've sworn didn't exist within his son.

Jack moved in on him, grabbing hold of his collar and slamming the man up against the bookshelf, holding him there, his face in his father's face, his hot angry breath all over him.

"I don't want to see you, talk to you or even get so much as a fucking Christmas card from you! Get out of my office and get out of my life!" Jack yelled, letting go of the man and turning around, rubbing his hands over the back of his head, angry, ticking and ready to punch something or someone.

"Dr. Shephard?" The voice called from the opening in the door.

"Dana can you give me a minute?" Jack asked, his breathing labored, his voice shaking.

"I guess if you're interested, you'll find the funeral arrangements. You know Jack, hate me all you want, but you are what you are today because of me." Christian said.

"No dad, I am what I am today because this is what I wanted to be and I worked my ass off to get here." Jack replied angrily.

Christian left Jack's office and Dana entered a few minutes later. Jack was still ticking and about to unload on his unwitting assistant.

"Dr. Shephard your son is on the phone." Dana said and took a seat in front of his desk with a stack of papers in her hands.

Jack took a deep breath and hit the speaker button

"Good morning Sam." Jack said forcing himself to be patient with the child.

"Daddy I can't go to school, my arm hurts too much." Sam whined.

"Sam we talked about this. School is going to be better today. Your arm is fine." Jack said.

"It really hurts daddy so much." Sam continued to whine.

Jack dropped his head to his desk and then lifted it back up, the stress and aggravation he was currently feeling written all over his face. Dana took one look at him and stood to leave.

"No stay, Sam put Kate on the phone." Jack said, picked up the receiver and took the phone off of speaker.

"Jack, he says he's really hurting." Kate told him.

"Did you put the arm up tightly like I showed you?" Jack asked.

"Yes and he seemed fine until a few minutes ago." Kate said.

"Kate, I can't do this today. It's not that difficult. Either give him some pain reliever and take him to school or let him avoid the situation another day." Jack told her in a condescending tone and then heard the click, signaling that she'd just hung up on him.

"Terrific. What do you have for me Dana?" Jack sighed.

"The ER sent a trauma patient with a pretty severe spinal cord injury to the ICU early this morning and need you over there." She told him.

"I've got four patients due in here in 20 minutes and you're just now telling me I'm needed at the hospital?" He snapped at her.

"I just found out about it myself Dr. Shephard." Dana said.

"Yet you sat there and listened to me play father knows best knowing there was a critical patient waiting for me. Where was your head at Dana? Patients, especially critical ones, always come first!" He yelled at her as he grabbed his jacket and headed for door.

"I'm sorry doctor, I thought….." Dana started but was cut off by him.

"You thought what? That the changes in my personal life somehow changes how things work around here? Well you thought wrong Dana. Nothing has changed here so plan on working late tonight and don't think or assume in the future, it only makes both of us look stupid!" Jack continued to yell at her as he hurried down the hallway with her right beside him, the entire staff and reception area hearing his harsh treatment of her.

Jack hurried out the front door and toward the covered sidewalk that led to the hospital. He never got to see the faces of all those that had witnessed his tirade or the tears that were forming in the eyes of the assistant who had been nothing but a loyal, trusted friend who always had his back. He returned to his office about an hour later, his first four patients checked in and waiting for him. Everything in perfect order just the way he liked it and just the way his assistant had always managed to make things work for him even on the days when he did his best to make that impossible for her.

They worked through the day professionally and quietly. He knew he'd treated her badly and he felt horrible about it, but he hadn't had a moment to bring her into his office and talk to her, his patient load bordering on ridiculous and every time he thought he had a moment his pager would go off or he would get a phone call. It was after 6 PM and the office was closing. He'd just finished up with his last patient of the day and was leaning back in his chair staring at the stack of patient files stacked to the side of his desk. Dana knocked lightly and entered the room, adding five more files to the already large stack.

"Are those all test results?" Jack asked.

"Isn't that where I always put the files of patients you requested tests on? Nothing has changed Dr. Shephard." She answered.

"Right. Dana could you please sit down for a minute?" Jack asked.

"I'm very busy doctor, I have today's patient files to update and I need to get tomorrow's files ready for you." Dana said.

"Dana I'm sorry, more sorry than I can ever hope to convey. You are my right arm and on some days both my arms. I can't imagine what it would be like to try to get through the day without your assistance and I hope my acting like a complete ass this morning isn't going to earn me the opportunity to find out." Jack apologized, his voice and his eyes sincere.

"You need to let me know where things stand as far as your family goes Dr. Shephard. We've never had this issue before but if you aren't with a patient I can only assume that you would want those phone calls put through to you." Dana explained.

"Tell you what. I'm starving and I know you are too because like the ass that I am, I worked you through your lunch. Let's go grab some dinner, on me and we'll talk about what the protocol should be for my family. Bet you never thought we'd be having this conversation." Jack teased trying to get her smile, something she hadn't done since he'd humiliated earlier that morning.

"Shouldn't you be getting home to that family Dr. Shephard?" Dana asked.

"Look at that pile Dana. I won't be getting home to my family tonight." Jack said.

"If we stayed in, worked them together, you could get home sooner." She offered making him smile.

"You're too good to me, probably one of the best friends I've ever had. I treated my friend badly and need to make sure she knows I have nothing but the utmost respect for her and all she does. Come on, let's go eat and if you still feel like helping me out with this pile I will of course welcome the help." Jack said, moving out from behind his desk, taking her by the hand and pulling her up from her chair.

Jack treated his assistant to a nice dinner, continuing to apologize, but not willing to open up about the things that had driven to him to that moment of temporary insanity. They worked together until after 10 PM and he walked her to her car and then found his own.

He entered his home around 11 PM. He dropped his keys in the bowl by the front door and walked toward Sam's bedroom. He watched him sleep for a few seconds and then walked toward his own bedroom. She was in bed and he assumed asleep, the small lamp beside her on and giving him just enough light to strip down and move in beside her without tripping over anything. He stripped out of his clothes and slipped into the bed beside her, lying flat on his back, exhausted, but his brain in overdrive and not about to allow him to find sleep easily.

She rolled over and snuggled up beside him, her soft warm body soothing to him, but he wasn't in the mood for sex, that becoming crystal clear as she fondled him with her hand and he remained unresponsive. She pulled her hand away, placing her arms across his chest and propping her head and shoulders up so she could look at him.

"Are you mad at me for hanging up on you?" She asked.

"No, I deserved to be hung up on. I'm just really stressed and really beat Kate." He told her.

"I bet I can relieve your stress." She said in a sexy tone and began moving her mouth down his chest.

He quickly pulled her back up and rolled her onto her back. He kissed her for a long time and finally pulled back, looking into her eyes apologetically.

"I can't Kate, it wouldn't be any good trust me. It's been a really long day I just need to lay here and relax until I fall asleep. Can I get a rain check?" He asked sweetly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked.

"Nothing to talk about babe, just medical stuff." He lied and rolled back onto his back.

"Okay, oh, you'll be happy to know your son came running to the car with a big smile on his face and can't wait to go to school tomorrow." Kate said and snuggled up next to him again.

"That's great. I'll try to call him in the morning before he leaves." Jack yawned as his fingers moved slowly up and down her arm.

He lay quietly thinking about the conversation he'd had with Alice about Sam's broken arms, about the conversation with his father, about the dead mother he hadn't seen in over ten years, about the woman he loved and how confused he was about how to feel about where she came from or what she might be. As he continued to try to lull himself to sleep by gently caressing the skin on her arm and back he thought about his father's words to him, about how they both knew he wasn't cut out for playing house and he wondered if his father was right because he had a beautiful, naked woman laying all over him, but the desire to make love to her was nowhere to be found, this making the third day in a row that he couldn't find his desire.


	18. Chapter 18

He reached over and shut the alarm off about five minutes before it was set to go off. She was still snuggled closely, content, loving, trusting. It was still dark outside, but there was enough light from the moon and the stars for him to see, to see her, to see how content, loving and trusting she looked as she slept next to him, her head on his chest and her arm draped over his stomach. His feelings in the moment were undeniable. He loved her so much it hurt for him to consider that maybe he shouldn't, that maybe he'd gotten himself and his son into a dangerous situation, not that Kate would ever hurt either one of them, but that Kate's family ties could put all of them in danger.

These thoughts made him feel guilty as he watched her sleep, as he watched how relaxed she was, as he considered that she trusted him enough to share her family secrets, that she trusted he loved her enough to conquer anything, that no person had ever put that much trust in him and that he was suddenly unsure and therefore in his mind unworthy of the trust she had in him. The changes in him over the past five months had been significant, the emotional awakening he'd been going through confusing and frustrating, but also satisfying and enlightening.

Satisfying because he no longer filled the empty void in his life with meaningless relationships with women, something he wasn't aware he was doing before this woman and this little boy entered his life and woke him up. He no longer derived all of his personal satisfaction from his work, which is why he'd been struggling all weekend and his first day back. He no longer had just **one **passion in life and that scared him because being the best doctor, the best surgeon he could be was all he'd ever focused on and now that focus was shattered and he wondered if the part of him that was scared was toying with his new found emotions and making Kate's confession a bigger deal than it actually was.

He'd felt so much rage toward his father the day before, an angry, almost vengeful rage he didn't know he was capable of feeling. He'd spent his entire life believing he hated his parents, but when his father showed up with the news of his mother death it affected him in a way he never would've imagined. In that moment he realized that while he'd always felt abandoned by them, he didn't hate them, he hated that for whatever reason they didn't and couldn't love him and that it did matter to him, that it hurt badly even though he'd spent his entire life denying that it did.

He guessed his father showed up because he felt he wanted to attend the funeral of the wife he'd thrown away so many years ago, but didn't want to go alone. In Christian Shephard's twisted mind his son would be his ally if only because Jack was the son they'd produced together. He began to understand that his father probably believed they had every right to be there, in the front row, in the family limousine, perhaps even delivering a eulogy. His father hated funerals, but he loved being in the spotlight more than he hated talking about dead people so his father's unexpected visit was beginning to make sense. He was actually going to make the death of his ex-wife all about himself and wanted or needed Jack there to witness it, to make it appear like there was something normal about their relationship.

The longer Jack thought about it the angrier he became and then he thought about Sam and what someone had done to him. Had Carrie really been capable of the rage and cruelty it would take to snap a child's arms like that? Had he not only irresponsibly created life with her, but then left that life in unsafe hands? Was it the only time Sam had been abused? Sam didn't show any of the classic signs of an abused child. However, his denial about his mother's death and turning it into his mother purposely leaving him, his promising to be good if she would come back and his fear that Jack would send him away every time he misbehaved did make a little more sense now. If Carrie had been the one that broke Sam's arms and then died a couple of months later, a six year old traumatized child would certainly interpret that as being abandoned because he was bad, so bad he deserved to have his arms twisted until they snapped, was coached to lie about it and then was sent away to live with a stranger.

He wasn't aware that he was crying, that he was grieving for the mother that never loved him and for the relationship he never had with his father, that the images he was conjuring up of his sweet little boy being hurt in such a cruel manner was making his stomach hurt, and that the idea of losing the woman that meant the world to him because he wasn't being honest with her was breaking his heart. He wasn't aware that he was gone, lost in his thoughts and sobbing until her voice and her touch finally broke through and brought him back.

"Jack what's wrong?" Kate asked, her forearms resting on his chest, her eyes looking straight into his while one hand gently caressed the side of his face.

He looked at her sweet, beautiful face watching him with so much genuine love and concern and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in close, holding onto her desperately, his body shaking lightly and she too began to cry. He was so sad, as sad as she'd ever known him to be, as sad as she could relate to being and she hurt for him. She had no idea what had happened or why he was in the state he was in, but she didn't need to know, she loved him enough to just love him in that moment and give him the time and the space to open up to her when he was ready to do so. She lifted her head and she kissed him softly.

"It's okay Jack, whatever it is, together we can make it okay." She said softly and he pulled her close again, holding her not nearly as desperate and no longer shaking.

Just having her in his arms was comforting, but it wasn't just that, it was the feeling of believing in someone and the courage and strength a person could draw from that and he did believe in her. In that moment he finally understood where Kate's feelings for him had always come from. She had always believed in him even when all the evidence said she shouldn't and through that belief she found the courage and the strength to take a chance on him, to risk her heart on him and to fall in love with him and it was time for him to do the same for her.

It was possible that he made her feel safe and secure enough to face her demons, talk about them and instead of stressing over the way Kate did or didn't react to something he should just be honest about how her revelations made him feel, get her to talk about how she really does or doesn't feel instead of just assuming. Instead of internalizing so much he should share his new found feelings about his parents with her and his fears about Sam and what happened to him. She was the only person he'd ever encountered in his entire life that could qualify as his best friend, his lover and confidant and he needed to embrace that as easily and confidently as she had. It would be unfair for him not to allow her the opportunity to be all those things to him while expecting that she allow him to be all those things to her.

He rolled her onto her back and kissed her softly, pulled back and looked into her eyes, neither saying a word, but managing to convey so much with just a look and his desire for her returned full force, his need pressing up against her as he moved over her, trapping her beneath him, pinning her hands to the mattress with his.

When he pushed inside of her she gripped his hands with her own, holding onto him as his mouth covered hers and he began to move within her, easing the doubt his distant mood had filled her with as well as the doubts he had about whether or not he should continue to love her and trust her. They took their time, slowly loving one another, holding onto each other as if they were keeping each other from falling and eventually reaching a warm, soothing, yet exhilarating climax, both moaning and panting and when it was over kissing each other passionately, their bodies still connected as well as their hearts and minds.

He pulled out of her and rolled onto his back, encouraging her to snuggle up next him, his arm wrapped securely around her.

"Do you want to talk about it Jack?" She asked.

"I do, but not now, not here, not when I've got to be to work and am distracted with that. Do you think Christy would keep Sam for us tonight?" He asked.

"All night?" Kate asked.

"I know it's a school night, but I just think we need an evening with no demands and no distractions because I think we have a lot to talk about." Jack said.

"That sounds a little daunting Jack. Is the part where you let me down gently?" Kate asked.

"My mother died." Jack said.

"What?" Kate asked.

"Yeah, she's dead and my dad popped back into my life yesterday to tell me while Dr. Magnus and I were studying the x-rays of Sam's arms and trying to determine who twisted them until they snapped like twigs." Jack continued.

"Somebody hurt Sam on purpose?" Kate asked.

"Like I said, we have a lot to talk about so how does a lengthy dinner in a nice restaurant and a hotel sound?" Jack asked.

"Why a hotel Jack, what can't we just come back here?" She asked.

"Because the restaurant is located inside the hotel and because I've never taken you anywhere and because you deserve a night in one of the finest hotels in the city until I get enough free time to take you some place special." He said.

"Why do I suddenly deserve that Jack?" Kate asked.

"You've always deserved it." He replied.

"What's going on Jack? You've been moody and distant since that night we took a trip into my past and now you want to go hide away in a hotel room for a night. Why can't you just talk to me Jack?" She asked in a frustrated tone.

"What do you want to hear Kate? That the idea that you're the daughter of a mobster scares the hell out of me, that the violent way you react to things makes me wonder if you really believe that's the correct way to handle adversity, that the cold, unfeeling way you described the murder of your husband made my blood run cold, that I don't find it the least bit normal that you could so easily forgive a man that murdered your parents. That I've fallen in love for the first time in my life and it's quite possibly with someone I shouldn't, but it's too late to do anything about it because I can't breathe when I think about spending a day without you. Is that what you want to hear Kate because that's what's been on my mind, that and a hundred other things." He blurted out in one, lengthy rant, never stopping for air and then moving out of the bed and to the bathroom before she had a chance to respond.

He walked into the kitchen, freshly showered and dressed for work. She was sitting at the table staring into a cup of coffee, his words apparently upsetting to her. He leaned in, kissed her on the cheek and straightened up.

"I've got surgery this morning, a meeting at lunch and patients this afternoon. If you want to do this, want to get away for a night and talk, leave me a voice mail and I'll pick you up around six-thirty." He said.

She didn't respond, didn't nod and barely acknowledged his presence.

"Kate." He said.

"I heard you Jack." She snapped.

He leaned in and kissed her again, this time on the lips, cupping her face in his hand and making her look at him.

"About an hour ago you told me that whatever it is, together we can make it okay. Hopefully those weren't just empty words." He said softly and sincerely.

She nodded and he left wondering if he'd ever see her again, if he'd gone too far, if his being that open with her emotionally had destroyed them and would send her back into the destructive life she had chosen for herself before he met her.

He entered the conference room, late, hurried and realizing he was starving when he saw the trays of take out placed in front of each of the chairs around the table. He sat down, glancing around the room at his colleagues, at the stranger he didn't know and then finally at the man he wished he didn't know most days.

"Why is he here?" Jack asked unable to bottle the anger he was feeling.

"Jack." Christian objected.

"Shut up. Why is he here?" Jack asked again.

"Jack, you're being recognized for your work. This young man is here to interview you about some of the procedures you've performed over the last year and your father wanted to be here to share the moment with you." The hospital's chief of surgery explained.

"Bullshit. He's here to get his name in the article, to be recognized, to take credit for being such a grand fucking inspiration to us all." Jack snapped.

"Jack, you're obviously……." Alice Magnus, his closest friend in the medical profession attempted to calm him down.

"I'm obviously what? Look, we aren't doing this. You want to write an article then you write an article about this facility, about the five neurosurgeons who work together and not just about me. Anything I've done I couldn't have done without their input and their support. I've got a ridiculous amount of patients to see this afternoon so if we're done here, I'm going to excuse myself now." Jack said.

"That's the other thing we wanted to discuss Jack. You've always been the glue that holds this place together, the guy that puts in ridiculous hours, effort and pure heart into every single patient, but you can't be that guy any longer and it's unfair for us to expect you to be. You've got personal responsibilities just like the rest of us so we thought it was time we brought in sixth surgeon, someone to help lighten your case load." Alice explained.

"Oh that's perfect Jack. You're being demoted to just another surgeon in the pile and for what? Because you think you can be some great father and husband. You can't Jack, you're too much like your old man." Christian said.

"Go to hell." Jack seethed and stood.

"Jack, please stay." Alice insisted.

"No, I'm done here. Hire another surgeon, hell hire two, just don't ever plan a meeting and ambush me with that man again." Jack demanded and slammed out the door.

Jack spent the afternoon absorbed in his patients and trying to forget the meeting that had gone so badly. He checked his phone occasionally for a voice mail and when it was time to call it a day and there was still no voice mail he accepted that he'd run her off, that he'd destroyed the only good thing he'd ever known and that emotional honesty was extremely overrated. He leaned back in his chair and stared up at the ceiling for a long time, being snapped out of his thoughts by a knock on his office door.

"Dr. Shephard, Dana had to leave, but she said you were waiting for these lab results." Chelsea, the new office gopher told him.

"Thanks Chelsea, just put them on my desk." Jack said and pointed to an empty spot on his desk.

"Are you okay Dr. Shephard, you seem kind of, I don't know……sad." Chelsea said.

"I'm fine Chelsea, but thanks for the concern." Jack said and forced a smile.

"They say you're one of the best surgeons in the city, but you're a terrible liar." Chelsea told him making him smile for real.

"Yeah, well I'm pretty terrible at honesty too. Are you doing anything Chelsea? Want to go grab a drink with me? You are old enough to drink aren't you?" He asked.

"I'm 23 and a first year medical student and I should really go home and hit the books." Chelsea said.

"You didn't answer my question Chelsea. Do you want to go have a drink or not?" Jack asked.

"Will you walk me to the bus stop after? I don't like roaming the streets alone in the dark." Chelsea said.

"I'll drive you home Chelsea. Come on let's get out of here." Jack said, standing and loosening his tie.

It was after six and they were the last two people to leave the facility, the security guard locking the doors behind them. He escorted her to his car, opened the door for her and closed it. He pulled his phone out of his pocket one last time, checking for a text message or a voice mail and finding neither. He turned the phone off, shoved it back in his pocket and climbed into his car.

"You hungry?" Jack asked.

"I could eat." Chelsea said.

"Good. I just happen to have a reservation at one of the nicest restaurants in town and I hate to eat alone." Jack said, backing the car out of the parking space and driving away.


	19. Chapter 19

It was close to midnight and Kate was getting worried and steadily pacing when she heard the knock on the front door. She looked through the peephole and then opened it, quickly joining Rick on the other side of the very drunk and barely conscious man. He wasn't so far gone he didn't recognize her smell and the feel of her body and he forced his eyes back open as they carefully walked him into the house.

"You're still here, you didn't leave." He slurred, his tone a mixture of surprise and relief.

"God Jack what did you do to yourself?" Kate asked, not angry with him, but concerned.

Jack suddenly stopped and pulled away from both Kate and Rick, attempting to balance himself as he looked around the room.

"Where's Chelsea , I was supposed to take her home." Jack said.

"She's fine Jack, I put her in a cab and sent her home hours ago. You owe me 40 bucks for that by the way." Rick said and grabbed Jack again when he started to lose his balance.

"Who's Chelsea ?" Kate asked.

"That's not important right now. Where do you want him?" Rick asked.

"In the bedroom if we can get him there." Kate answered and took her place on the other side again.

They dragged him into the bedroom and sat him on the bed. He immediately fell backwards onto it. They pulled him back up, turned him a little and let him fall again, his head landing on the pillow this time. They lifted his legs up onto the bed and Rick took his shoes off while Kate retrieved a blanket. She put the blanket over him and walked Rick out of the room.

"What the hell happened?" Kate asked.

"He called me at about 8:30 and said he was too drunk to drive so I went to pick him up. He was in a restaurant in a hotel." Rick explained.

"Why didn't he just call a cab or why didn't he just call me." Kate asked.

"He was convinced you'd left him. I guess you were supposed to send him a voice mail or something and you didn't. Look, that doesn't matter, he wasn't that drunk when I got there, but he was certainly headed down the path to obliteration. So I sent his little office helper home in a cab and we sat in a bar down the street. He drank and I listened. Kate, will you take some advice from an old married guy who also happens to be a shrink?" Rick asked.

"What's that?" Kate asked.

"Leave Sam with Christy and I and the two of you go away together some place and talk and don't stop until you've both exorcised all of your demons. I've known Jack a long time and I've never known him to be as confused and hurt as he was tonight." Rick told her.

"He really thought I left him?" Kate asked.

"He did. He thought he pushed too hard, that he was too honest and he's ready to shut back down emotionally and no, he really can't, he's in too deep. He's in love and he's too attached to both you and Sam to regress, even though he did give it the old college try tonight." Rick explained.

"The girl, Chelsea, she was his date wasn't she?" Kate asked.

"Apparently she works in his building, but yeah Kate, he took her to the place he had planned on taking you with the idea that he'd put you out of his mind by sleeping with her because that's the kind of thing the old Jack would've done." Rick told her.

"Rick, there is no new Jack or old Jack, there is only one Jack and he chooses who or what he really wants to be." Kate said a hint of anger or jealousy in her voice.

"That's right and tonight he chose you and this life you've made him want so badly." Rick said.

"He thinks I'm crazy Rick, that I'm dangerous. How do I convince him that I'm not?" Kate asked.

"He told me about all of that and he wants to talk about it Kate because he doesn't believe you are crazy or dangerous. Would you like my professional opinion?" Rick asked.

"Sure, why not." Kate said softly.

"I agree with Jack, you aren't crazy and you aren't dangerous, but you are very much in denial about the things that have hurt you the most." Rick said.

"He said that? He believes I'm in denial?" Kate asked.

"He may be emotionally stunted, but he's a smart man Kate and he also seems to be very intuitive where you are concerned." Rick said.

"Then why didn't he just say that instead of verbalizing how freaked out he is by me. He has no idea what it's been like for me or how much it hurt when he said those things to me." Kate accused.

"Which is why you two need to talk and you need to keep talking until you are ready to be completely honest with yourself and with him and verbalize your true feelings about the things you revealed." Rick said.

"How do you know I'm not being honest Rick? I did attack Misty so maybe I really am my father's daughter." Kate said and wiped away the tears that were escaping.

"Kate, you are understandably full of anger and pain and when something that awful happens to any of us, the natural and easiest way to cope is to hang onto that rage because let's face it, admitting you feel any kind of remorse or even sadness for the man that killed your child is unthinkable. The confusion you feel about your father and your real parents is also perfectly normal. Would your feeling angry or even disgusted with him for what he did to your parents be considered betrayal on your part or worse, is the genuine love you feel for the man that killed your real parents considered betrayal?" Rick poked hard and deep.

"Is it?" Kate asked a river of tears streaming down her face as he managed to tap into some very painful areas.

Rick took hold of her arms and made her look at him.

"Kate, we all feel what we feel and trying to control that or make sense of it will drive you crazy. It's okay to feel everything that you feel about the people in your past who have betrayed you and who have hurt you. It's okay to feel anything you need to feel as long as you are always being honest about what you are feeling." Rick explained.

"You really don't mind keeping Sam?" Kate asked.

"No, not at all and Kate, don't make this journey into honesty all about you because you aren't the only person in the relationship with a painful past." Rick suggested.

"He had a pretty miserable childhood huh?" Kate offered, wiping the remaining tears away.

"It would seem so and it would also seem that all of the hurt and rage he's had locked up inside of him since he was boy has made its way to the surface so don't let him squash it back down." Rick told her.

"Thank you. I'm glad Jack has a friend like you." Kate said.

"Jack's unique. He's next to impossible to get to know, but he has the aura about him that draws people in and you just get him, you get that he's good and decent and trustworthy. I remember the first time Jack and I had an actual conversation. He strolled into a barbeque we were having in the backyard with my youngest in his arms. She'd managed to wander off without us noticing and he brought her back. She'd fallen down on his back patio and skinned her knees and was crying and that's what got his attention. He'd been the subject of quite a bit of gossip and pretty much labeled the unfriendly playboy doctor that everyone should keep their children away from." Rick remembered.

"Aw that's kind of sad." Kate said.

"I don't think Jack was even aware of his status in the neighborhood. So anyway, this supposedly unfriendly playboy came strolling into my backyard with my two year old in his arms and she's just chatting away happily at him. I doubt Jack understood a word she was saying, but he played along. He hands her to me and both of her knees are bandaged perfectly. He'd taken the time to comfort her and to clean up her scrapes and bandage them before he brought her home. We invited him to stay and eat with us and he's just kind of been a member of the family since, a very quiet and often distant member, but Christy and I always knew there was more to him than all the work and women he could consume." Rick said.

"That's a great story and you're right about his aura, he sucked me in with it the first time I met him and it wasn't the morphine playing tricks on my mind." Kate told him and laughed lightly.

"Good luck Kate and if you guys need anything just ask." Rick said.

Thank you and we'll get back to you on the offer to keep Sam." Kate said and walked him to the door.

He could feel the pain rushing through his head as the nausea left him too dizzy and weak to move until he absolutely had to. He knew he'd feel better if he just puked, but like any normal human-being he resisted the inevitable because everything about that particular bodily function was unpleasant.

Kate had felt him stirring and lay quietly beside him wondering if he was about to be sick. His sudden bolting from the bed and running for the bathroom answered her question. She left the bedroom to get him some aspirin and water, returning just as he was stumbling out of the bathroom. She helped him strip out of his clothes and he let her, too sick to care about his pride. She handed him the aspirin and he swallowed them down with the water she had retrieved for him.

"What time is it?" He asked in a soft voice.

"It's a little after five." Kate answered.

"I need my phone." He said.

"Jack, just lay down." Kate insisted.

"I can't, I've got a surgery scheduled for 7 AM and I'm in no shape to be cutting on someone, I need to see if they can find a replacement." Jack explained.

Kate tracked his phone down and sat quietly listening to him lie about being sick to the person he was talking to. He handed her the phone and ran for the bathroom again. He returned a few minutes later a little less wobbly and sat down.

"Feeling a little better?" She asked.

"Not really." He said.

"Let's go back to sleep for awhile." She said.

He nodded and crawled back under the blankets, falling asleep instantly and staying that way until almost ten. He moved out of the bed and into the bathroom hoping a hot shower might make him feel a little better.

He exited the bathroom with a towel around his waist, feeling a little more human, the pain in his head reduced to a manageable ache. He could smell fresh coffee and lifted his head. Kate set the steaming mug of coffee on the table beside the bed and approached him. She kissed him quickly and then stepped back.

"Feeling better?" She asked.

"Yeah, thanks." He spoke quietly and nodded at the cup of coffee.

She slapped him hard across the face and grabbed a handful of him through the towel getting all of his attention.

"I am sorry that my silence led you to believe the worst, but so help me god Jack Shephard if you ever stick this in another woman while you're in a relationship with me, I'll……" She threatened, so startled by how roughly he grabbed her wrist and pulled her hand away, that she didn't finish the threat.

"You'll what? Have your brothers fit me for a pair of cement loafers?" He asked in flat tone and let go of her.

"Cute. No, I'll leave you. There will be no second chances." Kate replied.

"Message received and understood." He said quietly.

"Why would you think I left you Jack?" Kate asked.

"You didn't call, I figured I blew it." Jack said and moved past her to the bed and more importantly to the coffee that sat on the table beside the bed.

"I was upset Jack, you really hurt my feelings and the last thing I wanted to do was spend an evening fucking you in some hotel room." Kate explained.

"Nice." Jack mumbled and looked for his pants from the previous night, spotting them in the corner and getting up again.

Kate watched him move across the room, pick up the pants and then drop them again. He approached her and held a small jewelry box in front of her. He opened it to show her the pretty diamond ring that was inside and then quickly snapped it shut again.

"Jack, what?" Was all she could manage.

"I've been carrying it around for days, trying to sort things out and finally deciding yesterday morning that no matter what, I was going to marry you. I was going to give it to you last night, propose properly and celebrate and yeah we probably would've made love." Jack told her, putting the ring box in her hand and moving back to the bed.

"You say all those mean things to me, practically demand I show up at some restaurant and hotel so we can talk about all those mean things you said and now you want to sit here and be hurt and mad because I ruined your plans for some romantic proposal?" Kate spat angrily.

"I wasn't being mean Kate, I was being honest and I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings because I never wanted to do that. I don't know what you want from me. Do you only want me to be open and honest when it doesn't force you to tap into your true feelings?" He asked.

She sat beside him, holding the small box and feeling a little ashamed for thinking all he had on his mind was a little talk and a lot of sex when he suggested they spend the evening at the hotel. Not that she had anything against lots of sex with him, but not when they were fighting or when she believed he was feeling disgusted by her.

"I'm sorry Jack, I wasn't trying to hurt you. I honestly thought you would just come home and we'd talk. It never occurred to me that you would interpret my silence as rejection. So is that Chelsea woman prettier than me?" Kate asked after a long, silent pause.

"There aren't any women prettier or sexier than you Kate, not to me anyway." He said softly, sincerely.

"So what made you change your mind, why didn't you sleep with her?" Kate asked.

"I don't know, but I'm glad I didn't." Jack answered.

"You don't know? You take a woman to a restaurant and hotel with the intent of sleeping with her, with the intent of cheating and you don't have any idea why you didn't go through with it?" Kate asked angrily.

"What the hell do you want to hear Kate?" He snapped back.

"Nothing you don't mean Jack." She sighed.

"Why is it always me that is expected to be honest and willing to admit exactly what I'm feeling, but it's okay for you to shut down, to lie to me about what's going on with you, to only give me total honesty when it's convenient for you to do so?" He asked.

"Fine Jack, you want total honesty. Maybe I've had something important to discuss with you, something that is important to me, but I can't because you've been so distant and then you come home with horror stories about someone hurting Sam and anguish over the death or your mother, rage over your father re-entering your life and the cherry on top was that you think I'm crazy and dangerous. How the hell am I'm supposed to process all of that, much less respond to any of it and when do my needs and desires ever get to take a front seat around here?" She huffed.

"How can your needs and desires ever become a priority Kate if I have no fucking clue what they are?" He yelled and moved off the bed.

She watched him walk toward the dresser, drop the towel he was wearing and pull on a pair of boxer briefs, temporarily sucked in by the sight of his lean, nude form dressing in front of her and decided she'd find that amusing, later, when she wasn't so irritated with him. He disappeared into the closet and then reappeared dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. He walked toward the bed, grabbed the coffee cup and left the bedroom.

She followed him into the kitchen, watched him pour another cup of coffee and finally stopped him when he tried to brush past her on his way to the living room.

"I don't want to fight with you anymore Kate." He sighed.

"Take this, I don't deserve it." She said and shoved the ring box into his free hand.

He set his coffee on the bar and grabbed her arm before she could get away, spinning her around to face him and then pulling her close so he could wrap his arms around her, his hands resting on her lower back.

"You deserve it Kate and much more. I love you and that is why I didn't sleep with Chelsea . It doesn't get any more complicated than that." He said softly and kissed her.

She put her arms around his neck and kissed him back, pulling away and allowing him to hold her, her head resting on his chest.

"Rick says we need to get away together for a couple of days." She mumbled.

"Rick wants to take you away?" He teased.

"I'm serious Jack." She said.

"I know you are and he's probably right." Jack said moving his hands gently over her back.

"He probably is, but…….." Kate started but then clammed back up.

"Kate what is it? What do you need to talk to me about?" He asked.

"Come into the living room and I'll show you." She said.

He followed her into the living room and sat on the couch. She grabbed her work briefcase and joined him. She pulled out a file and handed it to him.

"What's this?" He asked and opened the folder, the chubby cheeks and big blue eyes of a happy, smiling baby the first thing he saw.

"Her name is Perry, she's 11 months old and due to be released from the hospital pretty soon." Kate said.

"What happened to her?" Jack asked as he studied the other pictures in the file, the not so sweet and cute pictures, but the pictures of a battered, bruised and broken baby.

"Her mother's boyfriend happened to her." Kate sighed.

"What does this…..why am I looking at this Kate?" He finally asked obviously disturbed by the images.

"I'm her court appointed advocate. She needs a foster home Jack, one that can take care of her needs with people who will love her, nurture her and make sure her injuries heal properly." Kate said.

"Are we really the best option Kate? We've been fighting for the last two days and haven't really talked about the things that are causing tension between us. Is this going to give us an excuse to sweep those issues under the rug and not deal with them?" He asked.

"What do you want to hear Jack? That you're right, that I'm in denial about my feelings about things that have happened in my life. Fine, I'll admit to that if you will and we both agree to stop denying those things hurt. I'll talk about my daddy issues if you will." She said making him smile and laugh lightly, the first time he'd done either in days.

"This is pretty huge Kate, are you sure?" He asked.

"Jack, I know it's a lot to ask, but look at her, she's so small and hurt and completely alone and will be hard to place." Kate said.

"Okay." He said.

"Seriously?" Kate asked, her surprised tone suggesting she thought it would be a battle to convince him.

"This is what you do Kate. This is your passion and if it's important to you then it's important to me, but is it that easy, I mean don't we have to pass some kind of inspection first?" He asked.

"I'm already approved for foster care and they might want to snoop into your life a bit, but it shouldn't be a problem unless you've got some shady past you've not told me about." She said.

"That shouldn't be a problem unless being a womanizing workaholic is considered shady, but I do have one concern." Jack said.

"I knew that was too easy. Don't worry Jack, Sam will still get taken care of." Kate sighed.

"Kate, that's not………..why do you always assume that I assume Sam should be your only priority in life." He asked in an aggravated tone.

"I'm sorry, it's just that this is important to me and I've never had to consider other people when I chose to take children in before." Kate said.

"Kate, Sam is not an issue, we'll make it work. My concern is that you're going to get too attached. She's a very cute baby and who doesn't love babies? Are you sure you will be able to give her up when the time comes?" Jack asked.

"It'll be difficult, but I've done it before. I've never taken in one this young, but they're all difficult to say goodbye to." She said.

"Where is she? What hospital?" Jack asked.

"She's at your hospital. Why?" Kate asked.

"I want to take a look at her and her chart, see exactly what kind of injuries she has." Jack said.

"You don't mind?" Kate asked.

"You know Kate when I asked you to marry me I expected that meant we'd have a life together, do things together, make decisions together, take care of each other and Sam together and be supportive of each other. Have I really been so horrible that I've made you feel like you were in this alone, that you couldn't ask me to do something for you, something that apparently matters quite a bit to you?" He asked.

"Well, you are pretty busy Jack and I know it's hard for you to get time away from what you do." She answered.

"Yeah, well that's getting ready to change, they can't have me 100 hours a week anymore. We're going to invite another neurosurgeon into the practice. That should lighten my load significantly, but Kate no matter what, I'm never so busy I don't have time for you." Jack said.

She took the file from him, put it back in her briefcase, set that to the side and crawled into his lap, straddling his thighs and hips, her hands holding the ring box again.

"Take this back Jack and I promise not to spoil the surprise the next time you're ready to give it to me." She said and placed the box in his hand.

He took the ring box from her and shoved it into the front pocket of his jeans. He put his hands on her hips, leaned forward and kissed her. She placed her hands on his shoulders and deepened the kiss, moving her hands up so she could run her fingers though his short hair as the kiss intensified, their mouths growing hungrier with each passing moment, his hands moving inside her shirt. She finally pulled away, breathless and flushed from head to toe.

"I want to, but we can't. It's invite your parents to lunch at school today and I promised Sam I'd be there." Kate said.

"What time is lunch?" He asked in a breathy tone, his fingers slipping inside the waistband of her pants and tracing, soft, sensual circles over her already overheated flesh.

"Noon." She gasped as she felt him unbutton the button on her pants.

"That's an hour." He said, covering her mouth with his again and encouraging her to go up onto her knees.

He kissed her passionately while his hands moved under her shirt, pinching a nipple between his fingers and then moving it back down, tugging at the zipper on her pants until it he managed to get them unzipped and then sliding his hands inside over her butt, squeezing both cheeks gently and then moving his hand down and inside her panties. She felt his finger penetrate her and moaned loudly, her body and mind giving in to every touch, the love and lust she felt this man too strong to ever resist for very long.

She pressed forward into him, giving him better access, the need becoming urgent. He pulled his finger out of her, taking note of the slight whimper the action caused.

"Jack….please." She panted and hungrily attacked his mouth again.

He pulled her pants and panties down as far as he could and then helped her work them off of one leg, cupping her bare ass in his hands and squeezing again before dipping his finger back inside of her.

"Mmm….so wet, so hot." He groaned as he used his free hand to unfasten his jeans.

He mentally cursed himself for having put underwear on and let go of her long enough to lift his hips and slip his jeans and boxers down and out of their way, leaving them resting just above his knees and relaxing back into the couch again. He lifted her shirt up and off of her, unclasped her bra and slid the straps down her arms, the garment dropping forward and landing between them. He started to position her over him and she stopped him.

"Take your shirt off. I want to feel all of you next to me." She demanded and then grabbed the bottom of his t-shirt.

He sat forward so she could pull it up and off, closing his eyes for a moment while her soft hands moved over his chest, down to his stomach and finally wrapping around him, tugging gently while her tongue moved in rhythm with his, both of them anticipating the inevitable connection.

He took hold of her hips and pulled her up and toward him, her hot naked flesh pressed fully into his, her pussy rubbing over his stomach as she sought out any relief she could find for the ache that she needed him to soothe.

He placed his tip at her entrance and groaned as she slowly slid down onto him until they were fully connected, their bodies still pressed tightly together, hers shaking as she whimpered against his mouth. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tighter and she welcomed it, letting her head rest on his shoulder and holding onto him as tight as she could.

"Shh baby, it's okay." He said softly, their centers throbbing in deep connection and neither moving.

"I love you so much Jack and it hurt so badly to hear how much I disgust you." She told him, refusing to look at him, but the warm liquid on his shoulder told him she was crying.

"Kate no, that is so far from the truth. You frustrate me, you confuse me and I feel concern for you, but disgust………(forces her to look at him, cupping her face in his hands). God Kate you are the most beautiful woman I've ever known and I'm not just talking about your physical appearance. I'm so impressed with you, so proud of what you do and so glad that you were too stubborn to give up on me." He told her, his voice cracking, his eyes sincere.

"Make love to me Jack, please, I need to feel that from you right now." She said softly as she allowed him to wipe her tears away and hug her tightly.

He stood, let his jeans and underwear drop to his ankles and stepped out of them. He walked slowly with her toward the bedroom, keeping them connected and holding her with strong, caring, loving arms. He sat on the bed and lay back, keeping himself buried inside of her. He grabbed a pillow and put it beside his head before gently rolling her over, pulling out almost entirely and then slowly pushing all the way back in while they situated their bodies into a comfortable position.

He began moving within her, slowly, deeply and with as much love as he could project, his wet mouth moving over her neck and upper chest, gently kissing around her breast and then sucking each nipple into his mouth, feeling her clench around him and sucking the nipple hard while she came, while she cried out, while she wrapped her legs and arms around him and her entire body quivered around him. He continued loving her, flexing his arms and rising above her, leaning in to allow his tongue to glide lightly over her lips, to gently bite at them and then lock eyes with her, pushing in as deep as he could, reaching and reaching and talking to her with his eyes, the fresh tears streaming down her cheeks telling him that the message was received.

"I'm coming again, come with me Jack, I love you so much." She pleaded with him, pulling him closer, feeling him speed up for a moment and then become still.

His body jerked against hers a few times and then he stilled, staying inside her, his warm seed filling her, her warm body wrapped around his and in no hurry to let go. He moved his mouth to her ear and whispered softly.

"You are the only woman I have ever loved and I want you to wear the ring Kate. I don't need to surprise you, but I want everyone that sees you to see that ring on your finger and then look at me and know I'm the lucky guy that gets to spend the rest of his life with you." He said.


	20. Chapter 20

They lay cuddled together in the center of the large bed, their head and feet extending toward either side of the bed instead of top to bottom. He could tell she was sleepy and close to nodding off and gently kissed the top of her head.

"Do you think Sam will be disappointed if I'm the one that shows up to eat lunch with him?" Jack asked.

"Are you kidding, he'll probably be so excited he'll wet his pants. He got used to you being home and misses you. He asked me this morning on the way to school if he could wait up for you tonight." Kate said.

"I miss him too. I can't believe I've gone two days without seeing him." Jack sighed.

"Let's not beat ourselves up other things we can't undo anymore." Kate suggested.

"I'll try if you will. Stay here, take a nap, enjoy the quiet and I'll go have lunch with Sam and when I get back, you and I can go to the hospital to see the baby if you want." Jack offered.

"Are you sure?" Kate asked.

"Yes." He said and moved away from her.

She watched him disappear from the bedroom, probably in search of the clothes he lost somewhere between the living room and the bedroom. She moved to the top of the bed and slipped under the sheets and comforter, so tired she drifted off to sleep before he returned with his clothes. Jack watched her for a moment, feeling guilty for having upset her so much she hadn't been sleeping and then remembered what she said about beating himself up and shook it off. He disappeared into the bathroom and exited a few minutes later. He crawled toward the center of the bed where she was sleeping, kissed her softly and placed the ring box in her hand.

Jack wasn't sure where he was supposed to meet his son for lunch so he checked in with the office and asked where Sam's classroom was. He walked to the room and relaxed against the wall outside the closed door until a young, pretty woman stepped out, pushing the door all the way open and pressing on the door stop with her foot to hold the door in place. She noticed Jack standing beside the doorway and smiled at him.

"You look lost." She said.

"I think I am a little. I'm Jack Shephard, I'm here to eat lunch with my son." He said feeling a little awkward.

"Sam will be happy to see you, the other parents are already inside and we were just getting ready to walk down to the cafeteria." She told him.

Jack moved off the wall and stuck his head inside the open door. Sam was sitting in the back corner playing on a computer with his back to the door.

"Was he worried we weren't coming?" Jack asked feeling like he'd inadvertently traumatized his son again.

"Maybe a little bit. He was watching the door so I put him on the computer to distract him. You can go inside if you like." She said.

"Thank you." Jack said and entered the classroom.

He walked toward the back of the room where Sam was busy studying whatever was on the computer screen, everything in the room sized down to accommodate small children and making him feel like Gulliver in the land of the Lilliputians. He squatted beside him and spoke softly.

"Hey buddy, what are you doing?" Jack asked.

Sam's eyes widened and he excitedly turned toward the voice.

"Daddy! You came to see me!" Sam squealed and wrapped his arms around his neck.

Jack retuned the hug and kissed the boy on the cheek.

"I hope it's okay if I eat with you instead of Kate." Jack said.

"It's okay, come on, I want to show you to my teacher!" Sam said excitedly, moving out of his chair and tugging on Jack's hand before he had a chance to completely straighten up.

"Miss Anders! This is my daddy!" Sam said excitedly.

"We meet again." Jack said in a light tone, holding his hand out toward the young woman.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Shephard, Sam talks about you a lot." She said and moved her hand lightly over the boy's head.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" Jack asked and chuckled lightly.

"Oh, it's all good." She laughed.

Jack resisted the urge to pick the boy up like a baby in front of all of his classmates and squatted down to his level again.

"I'm sorry I haven't been home the last couple of days. How's your arm feeling?" Jack asked.

"It's okay daddy, you got work. My arm feels better, I wish I didn't have to wear this sling no more." Sam said.

"Just a few more days and you can get rid of it. Okay?" Jack asked.

Jack sat in the cafeteria and listened to his son chatter nonstop about everything that had gone on in his young life in the last two days and felt a twinge of sadness as he considered how much he'd missed out on in just two days. He was such a beautiful child and while there were times when Sam could behave so badly it would leave the most patient of adults flustered and ready to pull their hair out, he couldn't understand how anyone could've become angry enough with him to have hurt him in such an awful way. He finally managed to get Sam to settle down long enough to eat a few bites of his food and then it was time for him to walk him back to his classroom. Jack stopped outside the door and squatted down in front of the boy again.

"Thank you for sharing your lunch time with me." Jack said.

"Can I go home with you daddy?" Sam asked.

"I have things I have to do son and besides you have to stay in school every single day so you can grow up to be as smart as I know you are." Jack said.

"Am I as smart as you daddy?" Sam asked.

"Of course you are and you will probably be smarter about a lot of things." Jack said.

"I can be a doctor too then?" Sam asked making Jack smile.

"You can be anything you want to be Sam." Jack said.

"I want to be a doctor like you, only I will take care of puppies and kitties and turtles too." Sam told him, making him chuckle and pull the boy in for a hug.

"I think you're going to be the best turtle doctor ever. Enjoy the rest of your day okay?" Jack said.

"I will. I love you daddy." Sam said and kissed him on the cheek.

"I love you too." Jack said, not wanting to let him go, wanting to take him with him and spend the day with him.

He finally let him go and watched him go into his classroom and find his seat. He waved at him one last time and exited the building. He drove home, picked up Kate and they drove to the hospital in silence. Kate noticed he was somewhat moody and wondered if things had not gone well with Sam, but decided she'd give him a hour or two to sulk before she began poking and prodding where he hated to be poked and prodded, hopeful that he would just talk about whatever was bothering him.

They made their way up to the pediatrics ward and Jack approached the nurses' station.

"Good afternoon Liz." Jack said.

"Do we have one of your patients Dr. Shephard?' Liz asked.

"No, but I would really like to see Perry Daniels' chart if I could." Jack said.

"Dr. McGann is in with Perry right now. He's got her chart. Room 6424" Liz said.

Jack and Kate walked the long hallway, the closer they got to Perry's room the louder the baby's cries got. Jack could feel Kate tense up and stopped, turning her to face him and pulling her close.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, let's go in." Kate said.

He let her pull away and they entered the room. Jack saw the bloody tubes on the tray and the nurse applying a fresh bandage and understood what had just happened.

"Hey Gary ." Jack said and shook his hand.

"Jack." Gary said eying him curiously.

"How is she, the baby?" Jack asked.

"I just pulled her chest tube and her drainage tube so she's pretty upset with me at the moment, why the interest in my patient Jack?" Gary asked.

"Kate, I'd like you to meet Gary McGann, the best peds surgeon in the city. Gary this is Kate Austen, my fiancée." Jack said noticing that she was wearing the ring he'd bought her.

"You're getting married Jack? Did hell freeze over while I wasn't paying attention?" Gary joked.

"I think it did. Kate is a CASA volunteer and has been assigned to this baby. Can you give us a run down of what happened to her and how she's doing?" Jack asked.

"Perry Daniels, 11 month old infant brought into the ER by ambulance six days ago unconscious, barely breathing and bleeding internally. Her torso, hips and legs are covered in bruises. She had a broken rib that punctured her lung along with a ruptured spleen, a tear in her abdominal wall and a bruised liver, the result of being kicked repeatedly. Her left femur is fractured, the result of being stomped and she has a skull fracture, also the result of being stomped. No signs of sexual abuse. We stabilized her in the ICU for a day and then we performed two separate surgeries, one to deal with her internal injuries and the other to set the leg." Gary explained.

"No signs of trauma to the brain?" Jack asked.

"No, all the scans were clear. We moved her from ICU to the peds floor a couple of days ago. She's doing remarkably well. As you can see we're still giving her nourishment through the NG tube, but I think she'll be ready to start on a soft diet in a day or two." Gary continued.

Jack and Kate looked at the baby lying in the large metal crib, small, helpless and crying.

"Can I pick her up?" Kate asked.

"Sure, Lisa can you help Ms. Austen, show her how to hold Perry so the tubes don't tug." Gary said to the nurse.

Jack watched the nurse instruct Kate about the NG tubes and the IV and turned his attention back to Gary for a moment.

"Is she going to make a full recovery?" Jack asked.

"Yes. She'll need some physical therapy once the cast comes off her leg and hopefully your girlfriend will do her job and make sure the monsters that did this to her don't get another chance to finish the job." Gary said.

"So, how long until she's released?" Jack asked.

"That depends on where she's going. If she's headed to state run facility I'd like to keep her here as long as possible." Gary said.

"She'll be coming home with us, with Kate and me." Jack told him

"Seriously?" Gary asked.

"What? You think I can't take care of her?" Jack asked.

"No, I'm just surprised I guess. If she's going to a home where she'll get the attention she needs and her injuries will be watched and tended to she can probably go home in four or five days." Gary said.

"Great, I know you're a busy man, so thanks for your time." Jack said.

"No problem Jack and good luck." Gary said and left the room.

Jack stood back and watched Kate with the baby, the way she held her close to her bosom, and spoke softly to her while lightly kissing her bandaged little head. He watched the little girl calm down and snuggle into the loving arms that held her as if they had been old pals that had bonded a long time ago and he knew in that moment that this was a bad idea, that Kate was going to get too attached and be hurt all over again.

They left the hospital about an hour later, Kate excited about bringing Perry home and Jack doing his best not to burst her bubble. They drove in silence for a few minutes before he spoke.

"You know what I realized today?" Jack asked.

"What's that?" Kate asked.

"That I missed the first six years of Sam's life and at the rate I'm going, I'm going to miss the next six years as well." Jack sighed.

"So that's why you were so moody earlier." Kate said.

"He was so excited to see me and he barely stopped talking long enough to eat anything. I have to make more time for him and for you. We have to find out what happened to him Kate. If Carrie broke his arms and then died can you imagine how confused he must be?" Jack said.

"He would be thinking he was sent away to live with you because he was bad, that he was so bad he made his mother hurt him really bad and then she sent him away because he was so bad, which makes a lot of his past behavior make sense." Kate offered.

"That's so sad Kate and how do we convince him otherwise?" Jack asked.

"It is sad Jack and I can't imagine what's going through his mind now that he's accepted you, loves you and wants nothing more than to be with you because if he believes his mother hurt him and sent him away because he was bad, that he is still denying she's dead, then he's also consumed with guilt for wanting to be with you and no longer fighting to get back to her." Kate told him.

"So what do we do? How do we get him to talk about something he's been coached to lie about?" Jack asked.

"Gently Jack, very gently. I could do some digging in Baltimore , find out if there were complaints filed about possible abuse, but chances are there will be nothing. If his mother was the one that hurt him then she most likely played the "Mommy is so sorry, but you just make me so angry sometimes I can't help it" game with him, convinced him that it was his fault she hurt him and made him feel guilty so he'd be so ashamed he'd never tell." Kate said.

"Wait, you think she abused him his whole life?" Jack asked.

"Jack, there are all kinds of abusers and one kind are the ones that lose it occasionally, take it out on their kid and then beg for forgiveness while placing the blame solely on the child. It's a sick, twisted game they play with their little minds, but the majority of the time these parents really believe it. They believe they are good parents who never would've harmed their child if their child wouldn't have pushed them over the edge. If it was his mother Jack then chances are there were several incidents of her becoming enraged and taking it out on him. We've got to get Sam to talk about it." Kate said.

"How?" Jack asked.

"Using dolls, stuffed animals or a favorite toy and role playing with them is a good way to get children as young as Sam to open up about abuse. Children will most often demonstrate what happened to them using the dolls to act it out. They seem to be able to talk about it as long as they are pretending that the abuse happened to the dolls instead of to themselves." Kate said.

"How do you stand it Kate?" Jack asked his tone revealing his anger.

"It's tough Jack, what you're feeling about that baby at the hospital is normal and what you're feeling about Sam right now is certainly normal. When it's your own child the rage is much worse. I guess seeing the few that make it, the ones that I can save and realize they're going to get to go to bed without being afraid makes it all worthwhile." Kate said.

"How long do you think we'll have her, the baby, Perry?" Jack asked.

"Six months, a year, I don't know. Why?" Kate asked.

"That's a long time Kate." Jack said his tone suggesting he was no longer onboard with the idea.

"Don't worry Jack, I don't expect you to be involved." Kate spat back hatefully.

"Look, I get that I've been anything but the ideal partner to you or father to Sam, but at some point in time you're going to have to stop throwing it back in my face Kate." He snapped.

"I'll stop throwing it back in your face when you start thinking about someone else's needs ahead of your own." Kate accused.

"What is going on with you? Why are you so defensive and angry? I'm not the enemy Kate. I'm just worried about you, worried that six months or a year is too long for you to love that baby and be able to let her go without it destroying you. Hell I'm not even sure I could nurture a baby for that long and just hand it over to someone else." Jack defended himself.

"Maybe that's what I'm counting on." She said softly.

She held tightly to the hand grip above her window as he angrily pulled the car off the road and to an abrupt stop. He unfastened his seatbelt and turned in his seat.

"You and I are never going to make it if you're going to continue to play deceptive games with me Kate. What is really going on with this baby?" He asked angrily.

"Her mom will be going to jail Jack. She's going to lose her parental rights and her father wants nothing to do with her. She'll be eligible for adoption within the next 12 to 18 months." Kate spoke softly, her head down, refusing to look at him.

"And it never occurred to you to just be honest, to oh I don't know, ask me if adopting some poor little beat up kid is something I'd be interested in doing?" Jack asked trying not to sound as pissed off as he felt.

"I knew you'd say no, that we're still too unstable, that we've already got our hands full with Sam." Kate replied.

"So you thought it would be better to trick me?" He asked as he tried hard to absorb everything and see things from her point of view.

"I told you that being with you has made me want things again Jack." She said her voice cracking as she fought back her tears.

"What are we talking about here Kate? You want a baby so you went out and found one that needed a home?" Jack asked.

"No, of course not, the case file landed on my desk. Just forget it Jack." Kate said and wiped away the tears that were escaping.

"No Kate I won't just forget it! What the hell is the matter with you?! Since the day you walked into my life you have done nothing but beat me over the head with advice about being open and honest, but when it comes to something this important you'd rather play games than just be honest with me? Why would you do this?!" He yelled in frustration.

"I don't know Jack!" She yelled and began sobbing.

He reached over, unfastened her seatbelt and pulled her into his arms.

"Hey, come on, talk to me Kate, just tell me what you're feeling and thinking." He spoke softly, kindly.

"How can I explain what I don't understand myself? I didn't plan this Jack. I went to work and there she was, this little unloved baby whose picture was staring back at me and for some reason it just felt like I was supposed to do more than just my job where she is concerned. Is it because I'm making this life with you and Sam and it's making me want more? I don't know the answer to that, but I do know that I could be happy with that kind of life Jack, that I could enjoy just being your wife and a mother to two children who need me and love me. Why are you making me feel like a criminal for wanting something so normal?" She asked.

"Kate, if you want to make a life like that with me then why not just say so?" Jack asked.

"Because you would've said no." She said.

"Because your needs and what's important to you are so meaningless to me that I'd never consider doing something that would make you happy." He replied sarcastically.

"Jack." She objected.

"You know Kate, you keep telling me that you believe in me, that I'm supposedly some really great guy, but I guess that's just more of your deception because if you really felt that way you wouldn't think I'm such a selfish bastard I'd just put my foot down and tell you that you can't have whatever it is you want or need." He said sadly and repositioned himself in his seat.

They didn't speak during the rest of the drive to Sam's school. She knew he was right, that she'd been playing games with him instead of just being honest and she wondered if she'd ruined things between them by trying to trick him into adopting a child. What she'd done was no different than what Carrie had done to him seven years ago and she guessed that was one of the reasons he was so angry.

They picked up Sam and then drove to a nearby restaurant for an early dinner because Sam, who had been too busy talking to Jack to eat his lunch, was starving. They sat in a booth, Sam on one side and Kate on the other waiting for Jack to park the car and join them. She glanced at Sam sitting on the other side of the booth, realizing that Jack would take a seat beside him because someone needed to sit with the child and tend to his needs and she wondered if Jack and Sam on one side while she was on the other was how their life as a family would always be. She shook her head, mentally slapping herself for thinking that way and smiled at the boy.

Jack finally joined them, stopping at the edge of the table and contemplating his choices. In a move that magnified just how intuitive Jack was when it came to Kate, he ushered Sam over to the other side of the booth beside Kate and scooted in beside him. Kate knew that some day she'd tell Jack that it was that moment and that gesture that finally put her at ease and made her understand and believe that they were partners. The subconscious fears she had about him making demands or always having things his way or the highway had nothing to do with Jack or the way he'd treated her, but with the way other men in her life had treated her and she needed to get past that and see Jack for who and what he was in that respect.

"What do you want to drink Kate?" Jack asked snapping her out of her thoughts.

"Oh, um, I'll just have some ice water." Kate answered.

"Daddy what is Disneyland ?" Sam asked.

"It's an amusement park." Jack answered.

"What's that?" Sam asked making Jack chuckle lightly.

"It's a really fun place with rides. Why are you asking about Disneyland ?" Jack asked.

"Sadie said they were goin there on Saturday and that maybe I could go too. Can I?" Sam asked.

"Hmm…what do you think Kate? Want to go to Disneyland on Saturday?" Jack asked.

"Sure." She said quietly and smiled.

"I want to go with Sadie." Sam whined.

"Sam, you don't get to experience Disneyland for the first time without us, but Sadie can hang out with us if Rick and Christy don't mind." Jack said.

"Can we call them and ask them?" Sam asked eagerly.

"We'll go talk to them when we get home. After Saturday, Kate and I might go on a little trip and you could stay with Rick and Christy. Would you be okay with that?" Jack asked.

"Can I call you as much as I need to?" Sam asked.

"Yes and it would only be for two or three days Sam I promise." Jack said.

"Daddy I'm squished. I want to sit over there." Sam complained.

They let Sam sit by himself on the other side of the booth, watching him color the picture the waitress had left for him. Kate finally brushed her hand over Jack's thigh, making him look over at her.

"I'm sorry." She said softly.

"Me too." He said and kissed her.

"Where are we going?" She asked.

"Where do you want to go?" He asked.

"I want to get married." She said.

"This weekend?" He asked nearly choking on his drink.

"No, on Thursday or Friday. I want to go on a honeymoon this weekend." She told him.

"Do you really think that's a good idea? We haven't exactly been what anyone would consider a harmonious couple lately." He said.

"Harmony is overrated. You wanted honesty from me Jack. This is it. I want this more than I've ever wanted anything in my life and I don't want to wait. I'm sorry I've been holding back and that I been deceptive. I've never known a man like you so I guess it's just a knee jerk thing, but I'm not going to hold back on this any longer. I want to be your wife Jack, I want to be a mother to Sam if he'll let me and I want us to seriously consider adopting not only Perry, but as many children as they'll let us have." She told him and then they both looked at Sam who was staring at them, having heard enough to be confused.

"I got a mom already." Sam told her.

"Yes of course you do sweetie." Kate agreed with him.

"But if you get married to my dad you will be my new mom and she will be mad." Sam said, bottom lip quivering and tears forming in his eyes.

Jack started to speak, but Kate stopped him.

"It's okay Sam, you're a good boy and your mom knows you love her. She won't be mad and I don't have to be your mom, but we can be friends right?" Kate said.

He nodded, calmed down and returned to his coloring.

Later that night Kate stood just outside Sam's bedroom door and listened to Jack finish the story he was reading to Sam.

"Goodnight buddy." Jack said and started to move off the side of the bed.

"Daddy are you really going to get married to Kate?" Sam asked.

"Yes Sam." Jack said.

"Why didn't you marry my mommy?" Sam asked.

"Because I didn't love her." Jack told him.

"But you loved me." Sam reasoned.

"Sam, I didn't know that you were inside mommy's tummy when I left. I didn't know I had this perfect, wonderful son that I do love very much until the day they brought you to me. Do you remember that day?" Jack asked.

"I remember. Why didn't mommy tell you I was inside her tummy? Did she think I would make you too mad?" Sam asked.

"Sam there are lots of grown-up reasons for why she didn't tell me, things you are too young to understand, but I promise that it had nothing to do with you." Jack said.

"But I make you very mad don't I? You were so mad I came to your work that day." Sam reminded him.

"Sam, I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at the world, but I'm not anymore. You and Kate are the best things in my life and I want both of you here with me always." Jack told him.

"Daddy are you mad because Kate can't be my new mom?" Sam asked.

"No and neither is Kate. We both love you and just want you to be happy." Jack said.

Sam sat up, went up onto his knees and hugged Jack. Jack returned the hug, noticing how tightly the boy was holding on.

"Please don't be mad and please don't let mommy find out, she'll be so mad." Sam whispered into his ear, his voice quivering and a very slight trembling in his body.

Jack's worst fears where Sam was concerned had just been confirmed and it took everything he had not to let Sam see or feel the rage he was feeling.

"I'm not mad Sam, I promise. Everything is going to be okay." Jack spoke softly to him and rocked him slowly until he fell asleep.

Jack tucked the sleeping child under the blankets and left the room. He entered the master bedroom and stopped for a moment, watching the satiny nightshirt slip over her head and then slowly slide down over breasts and stomach, hanging just low enough to cover her panty-less bottom. He watched her move toward the bed, pull the coverings back and climb in. He walked to the bed and stood beside it.

"You heard?" Jack asked.

"Sam hasn't mastered the art of whispering. Jack we have to help him." Kate said.

"I know. Maybe we should consider finding someone that specializes in this sort of thing, maybe Rick knows someone." Jack suggested.

"I think you're right." She sighed.

"We can talk about it tomorrow." He said and leaned in to kiss her goodnight.

"You're not coming to bed?" She asked.

"In a little while, I'm not tired." He said.

"Neither am I." She said in a sexy tone and smiled at him.

She laid back and watched him pull his shirt up over his head and off and then unbutton and unzip his jeans and push them down past his hips, past his thighs and then let them drop so he could step out of them.

"You went to school commando? Trying to impress Sam's teacher?" Kate teased as he moved into the bed beside her.

"Kate, she's like 12." Jack chuckled.

She moved in beside him, her nightgown inching up to her waist, snaking her leg over his middle and propping herself up on his chest with her forearms. She leaned in and kissed him softly, feeling his hands move over her bare bottom.

"I love you Jack and I'm sorry for trying to trick you. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. Do you believe that?" She asked.

"I do, but Kate, please try to believe that I'm not interested in calling all the shots, or being some demanding man that you feel like you always have to please and give into. I love you and if something is going to make you happy then it's important to me and there will be times when my immediate reaction might not be what you want to see or hear, but I would never just shut you down. Even if I do react negatively initially, I'll always think about it, try to see your point of view and then eventually talk to you about it.

"I believe in you Jack, I really do and these are my issues not yours and I'll work through them. Do you think you have the patience to allow me to do that?" She asked.

"I think that after all the patience you've shown me while I've been tripping over myself in the daddy department I'd be a bit of a selfish ass not to give you the same in return." He said and pulled her in for a kiss, ready to stop talking and make love. She pulled back a bit breathless.

"Wait, what I said at dinner, if you don't want to…." She started and he stopped her by kissing her some more.

He deepened the kiss and rolled her onto her back, finally pulling back so he could look at her.

"Let's make love Kate and then get some sleep because I need to work really hard the next two days to clear my schedule so I can get married on Friday." He told her, allowing her to pull him back down toward her and roll him onto his back, closing his eyes as she moved down and took him into her mouth.


	21. Chapter 21

He stood in the doorway and watched her, completely engrossed in the child in her arms and unaware that he was standing just a few feet away. She looked natural and beautiful with a baby and his heart ached for her and what she wanted, but was being cruelly denied. Perry was bonding with Kate in the short time they'd spend together and it didn't matter if he had reservations about taking in a abused baby and all the emotional baggage that comes with that because there was no way he could watch what he was watching at the moment and consider denying Kate something that meant so much to her. She finally glanced up from the baby and smiled at him.

"Hey, how long have you been standing there?" Kate asked as he walked toward them and kneeled in front of the chair they were sitting in.

"Long enough, how's it going little one?" Jack said brushing his fingers gently over the baby's cheek and getting a smile in return.

"She likes you." Kate told him.

"That's just because she doesn't know any better yet. She is a happy baby though which is pretty amazing when you consider what she's been through." Jack said.

"How'd you know I was here?" Kate asked.

"I didn't. I just finished up in surgery and thought I'd check on her while I'm waiting for my patient to wake up." Jack said, leaning in and kissing Kate before standing up.

"Since you're patient is going to wake up I guess that means the surgery went well?" Kate asked making him smile and let go of a light laugh.

"Yeah, that's usually a pretty good sign. I'll be done here in about an hour. Do you want to grab some lunch?" Jack asked.

"Sure. Do you have a minute right now to hold her while I use the bathroom?" She asked and smiled at him.

"Um yeah, sure." Jack replied sounding a little uneasy, but taking the baby from her with skilled expert hands that didn't seem to understand that the rest of him wasn't the least bit sure of himself.

Kate watched him hold the baby and watched Perry grab at his face and then disappeared into the bathroom inside the baby's room. Jack sat down in the chair and carefully positioned the injured baby in his lap, the sight of the tiny casted leg stretched out over his surgical scrub covered thigh making him feel things he'd never felt before. Treating abused children in the past had always triggered a feeling of anger and disgust, but this was different, he was suddenly consumed with rage and the need to protect at all costs. He cradled the baby snugly in his arm, kissed the top of her head and spoke softly to her.

"I'm not going to let anyone hurt you again, I promise." He said.

Kate exited the bathroom and watched him for a moment, cradling the baby snugly, his head down talking softly to her and the little girl looking so tiny, yet safe in his big, strong arms and she felt a large lump in her throat. He looked up at her and she smiled.

She walked toward him and he stood, allowing her to sit down before handing Perry back to her.

"I need to go. Do you want me to meet you here in about 45 minutes for our lunch date?" He asked.

"I'll be here." She told him.

He leaned in, kissed her again, moved a gentle hand over the baby's shoulder and arm and left the room. Kate stayed with Perry, holding her, talking to her and managing to get her to drink about five ounces of the nutritional drink the nurses had prepared and put into a baby bottle. Perry was sleeping peacefully in Kate's arms when Jack returned, dressed in slacks, shirt and tie and looking so professional and so sexy she wondered if every single female employee in the hospital had a crush on him or worse. He carefully lifted the sleeping baby from her arms and placed her in the crib that was in the room, watching her stir for a moment and then continue to sleep. Kate leaned in, kissed the baby on the cheek softly and exited the room with Jack, his arm around her and hers around him, both dressed in professional attire and a strikingly attractive couple. Jack pulled out his cell phone, punched in a selection and stood patiently waiting for the elevator.

"Hey Dana, I'm going to go grab some lunch, what time is my first appointment this afternoon?" Jack asked.

"One-thirty Dr. Shephard so you've got plenty of time." Dana replied.

Jack closed his phone, shoved it back in his pocket and entered the elevator with Kate. As soon as the doors closed he pulled her close, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her passionately, both losing themselves in the moment, the moment that was finally interrupted by the car stopping, the doors opening and those waiting to get on clearing their throats loudly. They separated, looked up to make sure they were at the lobby and exited the elevator. He walked her to his car and once inside they kissed again, hungrily swallowing one another with their mouths while their hands grabbed at all the appropriate trigger spots.

She lay beneath him, his sweaty body pounding into hers, her orgasm building. She felt his mouth latch onto her nipple and suckle gently as he slowed himself down, slowly guiding his rock hard shaft out and then back in with a hard, deep thrust, making her moan and whimper each time, her body on the edge of a massive explosion and him taking her to the point of no return and pulling back at the last second. She held tightly to his biceps, legs spread as far apart as she could stand, her hips tilted up and back allowing him to go as deep as he could stand, hitting that same deep, wonderful spot over and over and then she felt it, the sensation coming from so deep within it was taking her breath away. He stopped sucking on her nipple and looked at her, brushing the wild hairs away from her face and continuing on, pushing in hard and deep and then withdrawing slowly, grunting and straining, his own release no longer anything he could hope to control.

"Go baby, all the way, just let it all go." He groaned, speeding up briefly and then holding his position, having lost his battle for control.

She followed right behind him, her entire pelvic region exploding over and over and over, squirming beneath him and bucking up into him as the thrill of the moment took over all her senses and she let her body go wild. When she finally relaxed so did he, dropping his face into the pillows beside her head and both of them letting go of long breathy laughter because it had been that good. He moved off of her and rolled onto his back, exhausted, sweaty and ready to sleep until the next day, welcoming her sweaty, exhausted body as it snuggled up next to him.

"God Jack that was incredible, we should do lunch together more often." Kate sighed happily.

"I bet people probably thought hotels were located in such close proximity to hospitals so family members could be close to their loved ones, but a busy surgeon knows why the hotels are so close." Jack commented in a happy, carefree tone.

"You've done this before?" She asked hoping she didn't sound as jealous as she suddenly felt.

"I was teasing Kate, I don't sleep with my co-workers and you really are the first patient I've ever slept with." He chuckled, picking up on the jealous tone immediately and finding it both cute and endearing.

"I find that hard to believe Jack. You are walking sex in your dress attire. I can't believe you didn't have women seducing you around every corner in that hospital." She teased.

"I never said they didn't try Kate, I just said I never slept with any of them and I didn't. Fucking people you have to work with after you've stopped fucking them is just asking for trouble." He told her as his body began to cool and his breathing returned to normal.

"You know Jack, when I hear you say things like that it's so hard for me to believe that the man I know and love was ever that casual about women and their hearts." Kate said.

He sat up and rolled her onto her back, hovering over her, kissing her deeply and then pulling back to talk to her.

"Most of the women I was involved with had the same attitude Kate, but there were some that got hurt and I was never proud of that, but I'm done with all that. I can't go back and undo any damage that I've done to those women, but I can make sure that the woman I've got in my arms right now, the only woman that I have ever loved and will ever love knows how much she is loved and appreciated every single day." He said sweetly, seriously.

"I'm probably not deserving of that kind of devotion Jack, but I'll happily take it. You're such a beautiful man inside and out. I wish we could stay in here for the rest of the day so I could show you my appreciation for how happy you make me." She replied, just as sweetly and seriously.

"Me too, but if I don't get my work done today, we can't get married tomorrow. Besides, we need to save something for the wedding night." He said, winked at her, kissed her and rolled back onto his back.

"Rick and Christy want us to eat steaks with them tomorrow evening when we drop off Sam. Do you suppose we should just tell them we're getting married and that we'd like to drop Sam off and spend the evening alone?" Kate asked.

"We can tell everyone if you want to Kate, but I thought we were keeping it toned down for Sam's sake." Jack said.

"I guess we'll have steaks with them and tell them we got married and have them keep and extra close watch on Sam and his behavior tomorrow evening." Kate said.

"I talked to Rick about a specialist for Sam. He told me that he thought you and I could help Sam, but if it would make us feel better he'd make some phone calls and let us know. Kate, would you be horribly disappointed if we postponed our weekend honeymoon/getaway?" Jack asked

"Are you sure Jack?" Kate asked.

"I just don't think we should leave Sam for more than a night right now and we also need to get a room ready for the baby. What do you think?" He asked.

"I think I've been thinking the same thing, but didn't want to say anything because I thought you might get mad if I suggested we put the two kids ahead of ourselves. I guess I misjudged you again, but before you get mad at me, I'm being honest and told you immediately." She told him making him chuckle.

"I guess we should get dressed or I'm going to be keeping my patients waiting." He said.

They dressed, checked out of the hotel and he drove her to her car. They kissed for a long time and he told her he'd be home late and not to wait up. He parked his car and entered the facility where his office was located. He glanced at the clock on the wall. It was 1:25 PM. He hurried back to his office with Dana on his heels. She dropped the chart of the patient he was about to see on his desk while he put his lab coat on.

"Thanks Dana. Hey, is Chelsea working today?" He asked.

"Yes." Dana answered.

"Do you think she might have five minutes to run over to the hospital and grab me a sandwich out of one of the machines?" Jack asked.

"I guess you never managed to grab lunch huh?" Dana asked.

"Huh, um, yeah, I mean no I didn't get a chance to eat." Jack answered obviously distracted in a good way and Dana laughed lightly.

"What's funny?" He asked in a good natured tone.

"Nothing, it's just that six or seven months ago the doctor I worked for never would've taken a lunch, much less spent the time doing what you were doing." She told him.

"Is it that obvious?" Jack asked suddenly feeling uncomfortable.

"No, I was getting out of my car when you were dropping her off, but it's obvious that you're very happy. I'll have Chelsea run across the street to the deli and get you a sandwich." Dana told him.

"Thanks and I hate to ask, but can you stay late tonight?" He asked.

"Sure, no problem." She said and smiled at him.

"Great, Chinese take-out is on me." He said, grabbed the patient file and left.

Kate wasn't sure what time Jack had gotten home the night before, but wondered if her body sprawled over the center of the bed was the reason why she found him snuggled up with Sam. She leaned in and kissed Jack softly being careful not to wake Sam. He opened his eyes, looked confused for a moment and finally smiled at her. He eased out of Sam's bed and followed her out of the room.

"Is everything okay?" Kate asked.

"I found him on the couch when I got home. He said he was scared and wouldn't go sleep in his bed. I told him I'd stay with him until he went to sleep and I guess I must've fallen asleep before he did." Jack said.

"Jack, maybe we shouldn't do this, get married, not while Sam is struggling so much with it." Kate suggested.

"You're the expert Kate, do you really think Sam isn't going to be fine? I thought that spending the day together and taking him with us this afternoon so he could see what getting married means was supposed to help him. Are you getting cold feet Kate?" Jack asked wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her close.

"I'm a little scared Jack. What if I'm not what you really want and need Jack?" She expressed her doubts.

"What if I'm not what you really want and need Kate?" He replied.

"What else could I ever want or need?" She said.

"If you can feel that way about me then why is it so hard for you to believe that I feel the same way about you?" He asked and kissed her softly.

"Because I can't give you children." She said.

"And all the women who could and did weren't anything I wanted or needed." Jack said making her smile.

"Did you use the same type of charming comments to win them over?" She asked, snuggling into his chest.

"I'm not being charming Kate, I'm just being honest and trust me, those women would've never used the word charming to describe me; cold, heartless, thoughtless bastard perhaps, but never charming." He told her.

"That's just because they never took the time to get to know the real you." She said.

"No, it's because I never allowed them to know the real me. You're the first. I guess you could say you popped my emotional cherry." He chuckled.

"Was it painful?" She teased.

"At first, but only for a moment and then all that dread and fear of the unknown was replaced with something I never would've imagined could feel so good and it just gets better and better." He told her, rubbing his hands gently over her back.

She looked up at him, went up onto her tiptoes and kissed him.

"I'll make the coffee while you check your voice mail. You're phone has been vibrating non-stop." Kate told him and pointed to the vibrating cell phone on the coffee table.

Kate made the coffee, put the few dirty dishes lying on the counter into the dishwasher and heard the shuffle of his feet as he approached and she turned around. She immediately noticed the expression on his face telling her that something was wrong. He approached her slowly, a hint of dread in his step and then he stopped, taking hold of both of her hands and looking sorrowfully into her eyes.

"What's wrong?" She asked and tried to back away from him, feeling his grip tighten and pull her toward him.

"Perry died this morning." Jack said.

"What, no, we just, we just saw her yesterday. She was smiling and eating and……no, Jack it's not true!" Kate cried and tried desperately to get away from him.

"Kate, I'm so sorry. It was a pulmonary embolism. It was so quick there wasn't time…….she's gone baby." Jack told her and held on as she fought him and then finally collapsed into his chest.

"It's not fair Jack, she never got a chance to be loved, to be happy." Kate cried.

"No, it's not fair." Jack agreed, holding her close and rocking her gently.

"I want to see her." Kate mumbled into his chest.

"Kate, that's not a good idea." Jack said.

"What's going to happen to her Jack?" Kate asked.

"They'll do an autopsy to confirm the cause of the death." Jack said.

"Jack, if we don't take care of her final needs, no one will. We can't let that poor child leave this world as unloved as she lived in it." Kate said.

"Okay, we can do that." He said knowing that she was breaking into a million pieces as he held her and that there was nothing he could do to stop it.

"We aren't getting married today Jack. I'm sorry, I know you rearranged your schedule to make it happen, but I can't, I won't, not with a dark cloud looming over us." She said and pulled away from him, walking away and leaving him standing alone in the kitchen.

He followed her into the bedroom and watched with a heavy heart as she began packing all of her clothes.

"What are you doing Kate?" Jack asked.

"I have to get out of here Jack. I don't belong here. I'm upsetting Sam and I'm not supposed to have this, any of this." Kate told him, knowing she was breaking his heart and refusing to look at him.''

"Kate, please, don't do this. I know you're hurting, but please, this isn't the answer." Jack pleaded with her.

"Jack, I'm sorry. I love you, but I can't do this anymore. Please, just go into the other room and let me do this so it doesn't have to be any more painful than it already is.

Jack left the room. She was devastated and there was nothing he could say or do to change that. He poured a cup of coffee and walked next door to try to catch Rick before he left for work. There was a party planned that Kate didn't know about. All of their co-workers were planning on celebrating their nuptials with them later in the evening and Jack needed Rick and Christy to cancel it. He told Rick what was going on, started to walk away and then turned again to face Rick.

"It's not going to happen is it?" Jack asked.

"What's that?" Rick asked.

"Me and Kate and happily ever after." Jack said.

"It's a set-back, but you'll get past it." Rick offered.

"You didn't see her Rick, her eyes, they weren't the eyes of a person who believes any longer, they were defeated and empty and ready to give up." Jack said.

"Jack, she's been through a lot and this, although she really didn't have much time to bond with the child, it is opening up an old wound, a wound that most likely never healed. Don't give up on her Jack, unless of course she's not worth the fight." Rick suggested.

"What if she won't let me fight for her?" Jack asked.

"Jack, man I'm sorry. Try to take this one day at a time. Just let her know that when she's ready she can come back, that you understand and that you'll be waiting for her." Rick said.

"What if she doesn't come back?" Jack asked.

"Jack, you know the old saying. _'If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be.'_ I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's true and it's better to find that out now instead of two years down the road." Rick said.

"You believe in that Rick, in meant to bes?" Jack asked.

"I do, it's just that sometimes what is meant to be isn't always what we think we want." Rick said.

"Do you think that's the case here?" Jack asked.

"Honestly Jack, if two people were ever meant to be together it is the two of you." Rick sighed wishing he could do something, anything to stop what was happening from happening.

"I hope you're right. Can you do me one more favor?" Jack asked.

"Sure." Rick said.

"Can you cancel the limousine and the honeymoon suite for me? I think I'm going to take my son and take him up to the mountains to the lake and spend the day with him, teach him to fish the way everyone but my dad taught me." Jack said his tone sad, but instead of choosing some sort of destructive behavior to deal with his pain, he was choosing to find some peace and comfort in the only other thing in his life that mattered as much to him as the woman that was breaking his heart.

Jack could see her loading clothes into her car as he walked back toward his house. He picked up his pace and managed to take hold of her arm before she got into her car.

"You weren't going to say goodbye?" Jack asked.

"Please Jack, this is hard." Kate said.

"Is it? Seems like you're not having a problem with it at all and trust me I'm the expert at walking away from relationships without ever looking back so I recognize the tale-tale signs." Jack said.

She turned to face him, her face tear-streaked and her eyes puffy and red.

"Does it look like I'm not having a problem with this Jack?" She snapped.

"If anyone deserves this it's me. Karma finally caught up with me." He huffed with a low sick laugh.

"Jack, you don't deserve to be hurt and I'm not trying to hurt you. This one is on me." She said placing a gentle, caring hand on the side of his face.

He cupped his hand over hers and held it there, closing his eyes and trying to find the will to breathe. A single tear rolled down his cheek and she wiped it away with her other hand.

"Do you want me to make the arrangements for Perry?" He asked his words broken as he fought his emotions, emotions he never knew existed within him before her.

"No, I'll do it." She said.

"Will you call or text me and let me know when and where?" He asked.

"No Jack, I don't want you there. I need to do this alone." She said and he nodded, finally accepting defeat.

"So is this goodbye Kate?" He asked as another tear rolled down his face, his hand still holding tightly to hers.

She pulled her hand away and put both hands on either side of his head, pulling him in and kissing him deeply, feeling him kiss her back through the tears he could no longer control. She finally pulled back and allowed him to pull her in for one last hug, his need and desperation so intense that she began crying again and just let him hold on for as long as he needed to. When he finally let go she backed away and looked up at him.

"I don't know if this is goodbye Jack. I do know that I love you more than I have ever loved any man and that this is the most painful thing I've ever done, but I have to do it Jack. I'm no good to you or anyone else like this." She said.

"Okay, take as much time as you need and when you're ready I'll be here waiting for you." Jack agreed.

"You don't have to wait for me Jack." Kate said.

"Yes I do Kate because there is nothing else I want or need. I love you and I'm here for you and don't ever forget that." He said his voice and his eyes so sad she too was finding it hard to breathe.

"I have to go Jack. I love you." She said, kissing him quickly and getting into her car, knowing she was about to begin sobbing hysterically and not wanting him to see it.

Rick stood on his porch and watched Jack as he stood in the driveway and watched her drive away. He watched him pace back and forth, the pain and anger that was consuming him needing a way to release and then he watched him shatter the coffee cup in his hand against the bricks on his house and squat down, wrapping his hands around the back of his dropped head and clasping his fingers together, rocking slowly back and forth as he fought to regain control and not completely self-destruct. Rick wanted to go to him, to offer his friendship, to let him know he didn't have to be alone, but he knew Jack well enough to know that he would hate it so he just watched. When Jack finally stood again and walked into his house, Rick walked into his house saddened by how quickly what was supposed to be a happy day for everyone had turned into what was probably the worst day of Jack's life.


	22. Chapter 22

He sat beside the freshly bathed, pajama clad boy and listened to him finish the final page of the book they'd been reading together, amazed at how much his reading skills improved every day. Sam read the last word and closed the book. He looked up at his father with questioning eyes.

"Daddy did it hurt their mouth?" Sam asked.

"Did what hurt whose mouth?" Jack asked.

"Those hooks. Did the fishes get hurt?" Sam asked.

"It probably hurts. Did you not like fishing Sam?" Jack asked.

"It was fun. I like to do stuff with you." Sam said.

"I like doing stuff with you too." Jack said, ruffling the boy's hair and offering a comforting smile.

"Daddy did I make Kate leave?" Sam asked.

"No Sam." Jack assured him.

"Why did she leave daddy, I miss her." Sam said.

"She is very sad right now Sam and needs some time to think." Jack told him.

"Why is she very sad? Is it because I said she can't be my mom?" Sam asked.

"Sam you didn't make Kate sad and she didn't leave because of you." Jack said.

"Mommy left because of me." Sam said softly.

"Why do you think that Sam?" Jack asked carefully.

"I don't know." Sam shrugged.

"Is it because of your arms Sam? Do you think mommy left because she was upset about hurting your arms?" Jack asked in a soft, non-threatening tone.

"Mommy didn't hurt my arms. I jumped out of a swing." Sam protested with a shrill whine.

"Sam it's okay to tell the truth. Your mom died and she can't come back, not ever, but even if she could she wouldn't be mad at you, she would be mad at herself." Jack explained.

"Why would she mad at herself?" Sam asked.

"Because she is your mommy and she loves you Sam and she didn't mean to hurt you. She made a mistake Sam. Sometimes people go to really bad places inside their head and they do bad things, bad things that they don't mean, but that they can't control." Jack told him, not wanting to talk the boy's mother down, but wanting to make it clear that she was the bad one, not him.

"Sometimes kids are bad and make their mommies hurt them." Sam said softly.

"Is that what mommy told you, that you made her hurt you?" Jack asked.

Sam went up onto his knees and into Jack's lap, putting his arms around his neck and letting his head rest on Jack's shoulder. Jack put a comforting hand on the child's back and kissed the side of his head.

"Daddy I don't want to say it." Sam said so softly Jack barely heard him.

"It's okay Sam, you don't have to. I am so sorry I wasn't there to make her stop hurting you. I didn't know Sam. If I had known I had a son and that you were being hurt I would've protected you. You aren't bad Sam, mommy was bad. I will never hurt you son, I promise." Jack said hugging him tightly.

"Daddy please make Kate come home. I will be good and I will let her be my mommy." Sam begged his tears seeping through the thin material of Jack's shirt.

"I can't make her come back Sam, she has to want to come back and if she decides to come back it won't have anything to do with whether you are good or bad or whether or not you are ready to have a new mother. Kate did not leave because of you." Jack told him, trying to explain what he didn't really understand himself.

"Who is going to make me breakfast and take me to school?" Sam cried harder.

"I will." Jack said.

"You got work." Sam argued.

"It's going to be okay Sam, I promise." Jack said continuing to rub a reassuring hand over his back.

Sam pulled back, placing his hands on Jack's chest and looking at him, his face tear-streaked and eyes so sad that Jack wanted to cry with him.

"Are you very sad right now daddy?" Sam asked.

"Yes." Jack answered honestly.

"I'm sad too. I love Kate and I miss her. Why did she leave us?" Sam asked his voice quivering right along with his bottom lip.

"It's okay to be sad Sam, but we have each other and we'll be okay." Jack told him and pulled him in for another hug.

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" Sam asked.

"Sure." Jack said and stood, holding the boy as he turned the lights off and walked toward his bedroom.

It had been a month since Kate left and she'd made no attempt to contact him. He left her a voice mail once a day. It was short and to the point. _"We love you and we miss you and we want you to come home."_ He spent the majority of his days focused more on his son than on his work or his own sadness. Sam wasn't handling Kate's leaving well, reverting to infantile behavior at times. He was also opening up a little more every day about the abuse he suffered at the hands of his mother. Jack had no problem understanding where his priorities had to lie at the moment, even if his colleagues most likely didn't.

This morning was no different than any other since Kate had left them. He and Sam had breakfast together at the pancake house and then Jack drove him to school and walked him to his classroom. He was telling Sam goodbye when his teacher approached him. He kissed Sam on the cheek and sent him into the room before straightening up.

"Yesterday I had the kids write down the one thing they are most thankful for and then below that, write down the one thing they want for Christmas more than anything. I thought you'd want to see it." The teacher told him.

Jack looked at the paper and swallowed back the lump that immediately formed in his throat. He thanked the woman and left, deciding he had an errand to run before he went to work.

Kate was turned in her chair talking on the phone with her back to the door. She never heard him enter the room. She heard the door to her office close and turned in her chair.

"I'm going to have to call you back." Kate said and hung up the phone.

She looked at him standing just a few feet away, his face and eyes revealing his pain and sadness.

"Hey." She said softly, her face and eyes revealing her pain and sadness as well.

"Hey." He said as he sat in the chair in front of her desk.

"How is Sam?" Kate asked.

"He's confused and he misses you. He sleeps with me every night, clings to me every moment we're together and comes unhinged if I'm one minute late picking him up." Jack told her.

"I'm sorry." Kate said softly.

"Why? It's just another of my many parenting mistakes. A good father wouldn't have allowed his son to grow attached to daddy's girlfriend. It's my mess and I'll clean it up." Jack said.

"You're mad at me and you have every right to be." Kate said.

"Mad? No Kate, I'm not mad, I just don't understand why you are doing this." Jack said, his tone bordering on desperate.

"Because I have to Jack and I don't expect you to understand because you couldn't possibly begin to understand." Kate told him and stood, walking toward the door.

"How could I understand when you won't talk to me and tell me what is going on inside your head." Jack said.

"We aren't doing this Jack, you need to leave, I've got work to do." Kate said, placing her hand on the doorknob.

She had the door open less than inch when he was suddenly right in front of her, pushing the door closed again. She stood with her back against the door and him in front of her, trapping her, one hand above her head on the door and the other moving slowly up and down her arm.

"You don't want me to leave and you know it." He said, his tone defiant.

He watched her closely, his eyes moving down to her mouth and reflexively licking his lips. He moved closer, his hot breath on her neck, her own breathing becoming labored as he locked his mouth over hers and trapped her snugly against the door, his tongue battling for entrance and her finally surrendering, opening her mouth for him and welcoming him, kissing him back with a hunger that she knew only he could satisfy. She felt his hand cup her breast through her blouse and reached behind her and locked the door.

They didn't speak, but continued to kiss while her hands began unfastening his belt, her resolve nowhere close to being strong enough to deny how much she wanted him and needed him. He could feel her hand slowly unbuttoning and unzipping him, knowing he needed to stop this, that they needed to talk, not fuck, but he had no control when it came to Kate so he chose to hungrily swallow her up in a deeper, more passionate kiss and allow her to continue undressing him.

He let his head fall back against the door, her hot, wet mouth swallowing him and making him forget everything but what she was doing to him. He finally regained his senses and looked down. His pants were around his ankles and his shirt was hanging down obstructing his view. He pulled her away and helped her stand up, both of them staring deeply into each other's eyes as he pushed her backward toward the desk, slipping his hands underneath her skirt and pushing it up while picking her up. She wrapped her arms around his neck and drew him in, nipping lightly at his bottom lip and then attacking his entire mouth hungrily.

She could feel his hardness poking at her through her panties and her mind began swimming. God she'd missed this, missed him, missed having him inside of her and before she had a chance to clear the fog, he was there, her body lying on the desk and him thrusting in and out of her, not bothering to clear a spot before laying her back and not bothering to remove her panties before pushing inside of her. She wrapped her legs around him and he stopped his thrusts. He allowed himself to relax forward, placing his hands on either side of her and holding his position, gazing into her eyes with so much love and desire that she wanted to scream for him to stop, but she couldn't because she wanted this as much as he did.

He made love to her for a long time, clinging to the moment and making it as good for her as he could. They were both sweating and swearing and groaning as they continued to grind against one another and when she shook and quivered around him the third time he finally gave up the battle and came hard.

They separated moments later and quietly began redressing. He watched her carefully and he knew that nothing had changed, that they'd only given into their needs, but that whatever was making her run away from him was still very much an issue. She approached him, his eyes telling her that he knew he was about to be sent away and that it was hurting him

"Jack, this doesn't change anything." She told him and attempted to place her hand on his face only to have it pushed away not in anger, but in defeat.

He backed away from her, pulled a folded paper out of his pocket and held it up.

"Sam did this in school yesterday." Jack said, dropping the child's paper on her desk and leaving.

Kate picked up the paper and couldn't keep the tears at bay.

Under the heading of WHAT I'M MOST THANKFUL FOR were the words:

_"I'm most thankful for my daddy, he loves me even when I'm bad."_

Under the heading of WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS MORE THAN ANYTHING were the words:

_"I want Kate to come back and marry my dad and be my new mom."_

She sat in her chair holding the piece of paper to her chest and sobbing, his smell all over her and still feeling the lasting effects of him throughout her entire body.


	23. Chapter 23

It was the Monday before Thanksgiving and three days after Jack's encounter with Kate. Sam had awoken with a fever so Jack made the choice to stay home with him, a choice that was met with groans and disapproval from Dana, but the only choice he believed to be the correct one. The man that used to believe there was no choice; that his patients had to be his only priority had been nowhere to be found since the day Kate walked out on him. He had gone from one extreme to the other in his on-going struggle to find a balance and his medical practice was beginning to suffer because of it.

He had managed to get Sam to eat some soup and was lying on the bed with him, trying to get him to nap, the boy having reverted so far backward that he would no longer go to bed on his own. Jack lying with him until he went to sleep was their current routine and he was just about to sneak away from the sleeping boy when the doorbell rang. He held his breath for a moment and when he realized the child wasn't going to wake up he moved off the bed to answer the door. He didn't recognize the man standing on his doorstep so he opened the storm door and forced the stranger back away from the entrance a few feet.

"Jack Shephard?" The man asked.

"Who wants to know?" Jack asked.

"My name is Tony, I'm a friend of Kate's." The man told him.

"Did something happen? Is she okay?" Jack asked.

"I think we both know that Katie isn't okay, the question is, what are you going to do about it?" Tony said.

"You're not Kate's friend Tony, you're Kate's brother Anthony. Is Michael waiting out in the car? Did the two of you come here to rough me up, cut a finger off?" Jack asked sarcastically.

"Don't believe everything you see on television Jack. I'm here alone, not to threaten you, but to hopefully help you understand my sister better. She's about to make the biggest mistake of her life and you need to stop her." Anthony told him.

Jack invited the man in, offered him a beverage and sat across from him at the table in the dining room.

"Katie came to stay with me for about week after she left you. My father would've liked you Jack." Anthony said.

"Yeah, how would you know that, you don't even know me?" Jack asked, not impressed with him and not comfortable with having someone like him in his house.

"Jack, do you really think my baby sister could live with a man without me checking him out?" Anthony chuckled.

"Am I supposed to be intimidated by you, by what you are?" Jack asked.

"What am I Jack?" Anthony asked.

"You said you wanted to talk about Kate, so talk." Jack snapped.

"I'm on your side Jack and whatever preconceived ideas you have about what kind of people my brother and I are, we love our sister and we take care of family and when you and your son become family Jack we'll take care of you too." Anthony explained, remaining calm and almost amused by Jack's reaction to him.

"That's a nice albeit somewhat disturbing gesture Anthony and I appreciate it, but I don't think my son and I are ever going to become family. She won't budge, won't talk to me." Jack said.

"You have to make her talk to you Jack. Is she not worth fighting for?" Anthony asked.

"Of course she is, but how can I fight what I don't understand?" Jack asked.

"That's why I'm here, to help you understand. I was six years old when Katie came to live with us. She doesn't remember, but she cried for her parents every night. I used to go into her nursery and lay with her because I couldn't stand it. She would settle down and sleep eventually. I grew very protective of her and we grew very close and I hated when my father would send her away to schools different than the ones my brother I attended, but I also understood why he felt he needed to do that. Katie had this friend all through elementary school, they were like sisters and when they were both 13 my father agreed to let Katie spend the summer with the girl and her family. She was so happy and two weeks into their summer holiday there was a boating accident and the little girl drowned." Anthony explained.

"What does this have to do with….." Jack interrupted and was met with a hand signaling that he wasn't finished telling his story.

"Katie took the death of her friend very hard and she spent the rest of the summer clinging to me, crying and sobbing and begging my father not to send her away to school when the time came, but losing the battle because keeping Katie safe and disconnected from his life was my father's top priority where she was concerned. She met a boy that year though and he made her forget how homesick she was. She and that boy became very good friends and eventually boyfriend and girlfriend. He was not only her first love, but also her first and therefore extremely special. She was about 17 and my father agreed to let Katie go skiing with the boy and his family over their holiday break. There was an accident, the boy lost control and wasn't wearing a helmet. He died on the mountain before help arrived. She was a little reckless and out of control after that and ended up getting pregnant. I don't think she really loved Danny, but loved the idea of marriage and family. Do you know about Jeffrey?" Anthony asked.

"Yeah, she told me about that." Jack said quietly, his mind trying to absorb all of it while his heart hurt for her and all the pain and loss she'd known.

"After Jeffrey died, Katie threw herself into what became her passion. For seven years she swore off men and kept friendships casual, refusing to form any kind of relationships or bonds and then you came along. When she was healing from that accident and we would talk once a week and all she could talk about was the kind doctor that was helping her cope with the pain and the therapy I knew that Katie had finally found a reason to start feeling again and to want things again. Don't you see what happened Jack? She believed this time was going to be different and that wanting to have things with you was going to be okay. When that little girl died so did her belief that she was ever going to be allowed happiness and that the people in her life wouldn't meet some horrific, tragic demise. She left you and your son before life had a chance to cruelly take one or both of you away from her." Anthony explained.

The pure, raw emotion in the man's voice took Jack by surprise, but it also made him understand that regardless of how the guy made a living, he was a good man at heart that would go to hell and back for his baby sister.

"No wonder she gains satisfaction from looking fate in the eye and screaming "fuck you". How do I convince her that nothing is going to happen to me or to Sam? I understand why she's running scared, but I don't know how to ease her fears." Jack said.

"You're a smart man Jack, you'll figure something out or maybe you won't because really, how do you convince her there isn't a black cloud of doom hanging over the people she loves when history seems to say otherwise?" Anthony said.

"Is that supposed to be helpful?" Jack asked.

"It is what it is Jack and it's very real to her. It's up to you to be relentless in your pursuit of her and the happiness that you can provide, the happiness that she deserves." Anthony said.

"She won't take my calls and showing up at her office proved to be ineffective." Jack sighed, wanting her back more than anything, but not confident he could battle and slay all the demons in his path.

"It wasn't ineffective Jack, you got to her." Anthony said.

"Jesus man, you ever hear of privacy?" Jack scowled, not liking the idea that this man knew so many intimate details about him.

"Relax man, it's not like I was watching or anything. She told me about it, showed me the things your son wrote on that paper. Look, I have a proposition for you. I didn't like the idea of Katie spending Thanksgiving alone so I flew in to be with her. She's planning a nice, quiet meal at her house, just the two of us, but I think you should show up in my place. I should really spend Thanksgiving with my wife and kids." Anthony told him.

"I can't desert my son on Thanksgiving and I won't allow him to see Kate and get his hopes up." Jack said.

"She's expecting me at 7 PM. That gives you the whole day to spend with your son. You've got to stop her from running Jack or you and your son are never going to have her in your life again because she won't stop herself." Anthony told him.

"Seven o'clock huh?" Jack asked.

"Like I said, my father would've liked you. Good luck Jack." Anthony said as he stood, shook Jack's hand and left.

She opened the door making some sarcastic comment about having the only gangster brother that actually knocks and then stopped, the smile on her face disappearing only to reappear as the disheartened smile that seeing him again brought about.

"Jack, why, what…" Kate stammered, not wanting to invite him in, but not having the strength to turn him away either.

"It's Thanksgiving Kate, our first together." Jack offered with a timid smile and handed her the bottle of expensive wine that was in his hand.

"We aren't together Jack and I'm expecting someone." Kate said, finding her resolve and shoving the bottle of wine back into his hand.

"He's not coming Kate. He went home. It's just you and me and as far as I'm concerned, we are still together because I'm not willing to give you up." Jack said, pushing the wine into her hand and the rest of him onto her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her.

She didn't kiss him back and unwrapped herself from his clutches quickly.

"We can have dinner together Jack, but that's it." Kate told him.

"Okay." He agreed and followed her into the dining room.

They sat across from one another, neither really hungry or enjoying the meal and both watching the other, the sad, longing looks enough to break the heart of anyone that might be watching them. They finished off the bottle of wine Jack brought by filling their glasses and moving into the living room. They sat side by side catching up on the events in each other's lives since the day she'd walked out on him. She'd asked about Sam and insisted he tell her everything and when the details of his struggles became too difficult to hear she moved into the kitchen and broke out another bottle of wine. Jack put his hand over his glass when she started to refill it.

"Kate, I have to be able to drive home." He said even though he was at the moment past the limit of being able to drive a vehicle safely.

"You've had too much already so you can sleep here." She said and filled his glass.

"On the couch?" He asked.

She didn't answer him. She filled her glass and sat back down, turning to face him. He mirrored the move and looked at her longingly, pushing her hair back behind her left ear and cupping her face in his hand.

"I love you so much Kate." He said softly.

"I love you too Jack." She said.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked, but didn't wait for a response before he moved in and gently placed his lips over hers.

The kiss was so sweet and gentle and she could feel a fluttering in her stomach as though it were their first kiss and that was all it took, he'd managed to break down her defenses again and she quickly became putty in his hands. She loved him so much and she missed him so badly it hurt to breathe. The kiss intensified and they pulled their bodies closer, both using their hands to touch and feel what their hearts had been aching for. He could feel her tears on his own face and pulled out of the kiss, her sad, defeated eyes breaking his heart. He pulled her close and hugged her.

"Kate, it's going to be okay. You're brother told me about all the horrible losses you've suffered over the years. Nothing is going to happen to me Kate I promise." He told her.

"You can't know that Jack. Bad things happen to the people I love and they go away forever." She cried.

"I'm not going anywhere Kate and neither is Sam. This time you can have your happy ending, unless of course a life with me and Sam isn't your idea of a happy ending." Jack spoke softly, rocking her gently.

She didn't respond, she enjoyed the comfort of being held in his strong arms for a minute or two and then she pulled back. She looked into his sad, desperate eyes and took hold of his hand, bringing it up to the side of her face and holding it there with both of her hands, slowly breaking down again and allowing him to take her into his arms and hold her again.

"My heart is broken into a million pieces Jack, but it has to be this way. I couldn't stand it if you or Sam were to be hurt or suffer because of me." She cried.

"But we are suffering Kate. Every day you aren't with us we're suffering." Jack told her.

"No, stop it Jack, you don't understand. No matter what I do, whether I leave you or stay with you, the end result is the same, I lose the most wonderful thing I've ever known, but if I leave you first, nothing will happen to you or Sam." Kate continued to sob and argue.

"It doesn't have to be that way Kate. I understand why you believe it does, but you can't stop taking chances and you can't stop living because you're afraid of what might happen." Jack spoke softly and calmly, his heart every bit as broken as hers and breaking more at the knowledge of how tormented she was, how real the fear of imminent doom was to her.

She wanted to pull away from him, to tell him it was over for good, to protect him from the horrible fate she believed awaited him if he stayed in her life, but as she looked into his eyes again and saw the warmth, the love and the genuine concern there, the need for him to make her feel like only he could make her feel coupled with the wine left her defenseless. She held his face in her hands and kissed him, moving into his lap and kissing him deeper, stronger, passionately as she straddled him and allowed all of her weight to relax into him. She felt his arms wrap around her and she wasn't sure if she sighed out loud, but she relaxed completely and when she felt him stand with her in his arms she wrapped herself around him and let him take over.

He carried her into her bedroom, pulled the comforter back and laid her gently on the bed, hovering over her and kissing her softly on the mouth. He lay beside her, allowing her to turn onto her side and back into him, his entire body spooned around hers, his arms holding her snugly and his breath on the back of her neck.

"I want you more than anything right now, but we've both had too much to drink and when you let me love you again I want your head to be clear and for you to be sure that it is what you want because I can't have you like that Kate and survive it if you pull away again. I love you baby, so much and I want you to come home." He said softly and kissed her neck and shoulder.

She took hold of the arm that was wrapped around her, wrapping both of her arms around his forearm and holding it close to her and sobbing. He wasn't sure how long she cried or how long he cried before the wine induced coma silenced both of them and allowed their sad, struggling minds to sleep.

He woke the next morning, the wine from the night before making his head pound and the sunlight streaming in not helping with that. He noticed immediately that he was alone and sat up.

"Kate!" He called out.

There was no answer so he threw his legs over the side of the bed and sat up, taking a moment to find his bearings before moving off the bed. He walked through the living room into the kitchen looking for her, but she wasn't in the house anywhere. He spotted his car keys sitting on the breakfast bar on top of a folded piece of paper and sighed heavily. He didn't need to read the note to know that he hadn't convinced her and that she was once again showing him the door, because women don't leave you notes when they have something pleasant to tell you. He grabbed his keys, shoved the note into his pocket and left.

Jack sat in his office studying the patient file in front of him. His last encounter with Kate had left him frustrated and feelings of hopelessness were beginning to creep in. It had been three weeks since their Thanksgiving night confessions and it seemed like the harder he pushed the harder she ran. She wouldn't take his calls and refused to see him even on the occasion when he'd tried a surprise attack. His work was suffering. He was sad and distracted, too distracted to pull off the surgeries he'd built a reputation on so he'd backed off of them, cutting his hours way back so he could be home for Sam. His colleagues were doing their best to be supportive and as promised had hired another neurosurgeon to pick up the slack. Dana attempted to get him to talk about it once, but was reprimanded for her trouble so she left him alone. He heard the door to his office open and looked up briefly and without reacting looked back down.

"Wow, I guess it really is as bad as I've been hearing." Christian Shephard commented.

"What's that?" Jack sighed.

"That you're throwing your career away over a woman." Christian said.

"What do you want dad?" Jack asked, his tone tired and emotionless.

"I thought you were getting married. What happened?" Christian asked.

"I don't want to talk about my personal life, but if I did, you'd be the last person I'd confide in." Jack grumbled.

"I heard about the baby that died. Jack if the two of you wanted a baby so badly, why not just make one, why would you take in an abused stray?" Christian asked, the comment enough to finally draw some emotion out of Jack.

"What the hell are you doing here and why are you making my life your business?" Jack snapped.

"People are worried about you Jack." Christian said.

"People, but not you, no all you are worried about is that this will somehow tarnish your reputation, the legacy of the great Christian Shephard." Jack spat.

"You are my legacy son." Christian said.

"Don't you call me son you son-of-a-bitch! You don't get to walk into my life now and pretend to give a damn!" Jack yelled.

"Jack what is going on with you? What happened to your relationship? Why did she leave?" Christian asked in a calm almost patronizing tone.

"It's none of your business!" Jack screamed.

"You are my business Jack whether you like it or not. Help me understand why you are throwing your life away over a woman you don't seem to be willing to fight for." Christian continued to poke and prod knowing that sometimes opening up to a complete stranger is easier than talking to people you know and he was for all intents and purposes a complete stranger to his son.

"I've tried, but she just keeps pushing me away." Jack replied in a quieter tone.

"Is it the baby issue? She wants them and you don't?" Christian asked.

"She can't have children. She wants them, but she can't have them and I have no idea how I feel about them. You know, most adults can fall back on the way their parents raised them when they're trying to raise their own kids but I can't really do that can I dad? I'm scrambling around and flying blind trying to raise a six year old and don't have time to think about if I'd ever want more of them." Jack told him his tone full of contempt.

"So that's why you're not fighting for this woman you supposedly love so much you're too miserable to function without her, because you're pissed off at me?" Christian taunted him rearing back reflexively when Jack came forward over the desk.

"She doesn't want me to fight for her dad." Jack sighed heavily and dropped back into his chair.

"That's ridiculous Jack, of course she does, all women do." Christian disagreed.

"Are we done? I've got to leave." Jack said.

"Leave? Jack it's 2 o'clock." Christian said.

"I need to pick up my son." Jack said.

Christian stood in the hallway and watched Jack exit the facility. Another doctor joined him and stood quietly watching as Jack spoke briefly to his personal assistant and then left.

"Did I exaggerate about how bad things are with him?" The doctor said.

"Don't do anything rash." Christian said more of a warning than a request.

"Look, this practice is what it is today because of Jack, but he's got to snap out this pretty soon because it is his reputation that brings in so many referrals and at the rate he's going those referrals aren't going to be so positive much longer." The doctor explained.

"Duly noted." Christian said and walked away.

Kate heard the light knock on her office door and looked up. A distinguished silver-haired man approached her desk and stood in front of it.

"Can I help you?" Kate asked.

"I'm Christian Shephard and I think the appropriate question is can you help my son." Christian said and held his hand out to her.

Kate ignored his hand and gestured for him to take a seat.

"I have to say that you're being here seems very inappropriate." Kate said.

"I agree, but my brilliant son is throwing away everything he's worked his entire adult life for because of you and I can't just sit back and watch that happen." Christian said.

"A little late for you to be taking an interest in your son don't you think?" Kate spat back hatefully.

"I've always had an interest in my son, I just preferred the hands off approach to parenting." Christian said.

"You're ridiculous. You should leave. My relationship with Jack is none of your business and there is nothing you have to say that I care to listen to." Kate told him.

"You'll want to hear this Kate." Christian assured her.

"Fine, you've got 10 minutes because I've got a meeting to get to." Kate huffed.

Christian opened the briefcase he was carrying, pulled a file out and tossed it onto her desk. Kate looked at the file and then back at him. She started to open it and he placed his hand over hers to stop her.

"Do you love him Kate?" Christian asked.

"Yes." Kate said softly.

"Do you love my grandson?" Christian asked.

"Yes." She repeated wary of where this was going.

"Do you want to protect them?" Christian asked.

"Protect them from what?" Kate asked.

"Answer the question Kate, do you love him and Sam enough to stop playing this game with them, to be with them and to protect them from what is inside that folder?" Christian asked.

"I can't, he'll get hurt." Kate said.

"That's nonsense Kate. Going back to Jack where we both know you belong isn't going to hurt him, but what is inside that folder will hurt him and his son. Do you want to be there for them Kate and do whatever it takes to protect them?" Christian asked.

"Why are you doing this? Why do you care?" Kate asked.

"I've always cared about my son Kate, just not in the conventional way and not in any way that would be considered humane or acceptable. He never knew I was watching, but make no mistake, I've always known where he was and how he was doing and right now he's not doing well at all and once he sees what's in that folder he's going to need you and your support. Can you do that for him Kate or are the feelings not real, not strong enough?" Christian continued to taunt her.

"I'd do anything for him." Kate told him, daring him to dispute it.

Christian looked at her for a long moment, as if he were studying her to determine if what she said was true and then he pulled his hand away from hers so she could open the folder. Kate opened the folder, saw a picture of a pretty woman and then glanced over at the personal information, the woman's name grabbing her attention immediately.

"Why are you showing me this? Carrie Jansen is dead." Kate said.

"No Kate, she isn't, she's very much alive and has been living in Los Angeles for the last month." Christian told her.


	24. Chapter 24

Kate studied Christian's face for a long time. Was this a test? Was it a game? Jack had only ever expressed negative feelings about his father so was it possible that this man's concerns for his son were genuine?

"How do you know about Carrie and why would you know this?" Kate asked.

"I told you Kate, I make Jack and the things that affect him my business." Christian said.

"Why can't you just be his father then? Do you have any idea what you've done to him?" Kate accused.

"What have I done to him Kate? Is Jack not a good man, a trustworthy man, a man with a kind heart?" Christian argued.

"No, I mean yes, he is a good, trustworthy man with a big heart." Kate answered.

"Has it occurred to you that Jack is the man he is today because I made the conscious choice not to be an influence in his life?" Christian asked.

"Don't make excuses and don't you dare try to make it sound like you did something noble by abandoning your son. You're his father, of course you were an influence. He was completely shut off emotionally when that little boy got dropped on his doorstep. Do you have any idea what you're "hands-off" off approach to parenting did to him in that respect? He nearly gave up his son because he simply did not know how to let himself feel the things most of us just take for granted." Kate said angrily.

"So much passion Kate, you must really care a lot about him. So tell me Kate, why would a woman who appears to love my son so much choose to break his heart?" Christian asked, remaining calm and seemingly unaffected by her cutting remarks.

"It's complicated. It was to protect him." She said.

"Ah, so when you abandoned him and his son, you did so with the noblest of intentions?" Christian taunted.

"Touché'." Kate mumbled softly.

"You can't tell him about this yet Kate, not until we find out what she wants." Christian said.

"I'm not going to keep this from Jack, but I agree that we need to keep it from Sam. Why would she do this? How could a mother do such a thing to her child?" Kate asked.

"It's really not so difficult to understand Kate. She thought she was in love and wanted his baby and when she figured out that having his son staring back at her every day was too much to deal with she faked her death and took a break from reality. Now she misses her child and wants him back or maybe it's a little more diabolical and she believes by making Jack care about the boy, they'll be a package deal." Christian suggested.

"She twisted that boy's arms until the bones snapped. Does that sound like a woman that is anything but a psycho?" Kate seethed, the expression on Christian's face telling her that he did not know about it, which meant the abuse of Sam and gone undetected since he seemed to know everything else about her.

"I guess that's one more reason for you to do what you can to protect them." Christian said.

"Jack doesn't need me to protect him and I'm not sure what I could do anyway." Kate admitted.

"Kate, he's a mess and it's your fault he's a mess. This will just finish him off. You can protect him by stopping this childish game you're playing with him and give him back the life you dangled in front of him and made him want. Why would you do that Kate? Why would you just pull the rug out from under him like that?" Christian asked.

"I told you it's complicated!" Kate yelled.

"No Kate, it's not. You sit there and suggest that what you did was to protect him, but look at him, you've all but destroyed him in your alleged quest to keep him from harm." Christian said, his tone sarcastic with a hint of anger.

"You really do care a lot about him don't you?" Kate asked.

"He's my son Kate." Christian replied.

"You're right, I've been stupid. I made him believe in something and convinced him that if he opened up and was honest I'd always be there to listen and more importantly, to love him; and then I just turned my back on him. I can't believe he doesn't hate me. Since you've been so blunt with me, can I offer you some advice?" Kate asked.

"What's that?" Christian asked, the all knowing smirk plastered all over his face.

"Jack is a grown man that you can no longer influence so instead of admiring his life from a distance why not try being a part of it." Kate suggested.

"I'll take that under consideration." Christian told her.

"Thank you for this, for warning us about Carrie. Hopefully we can keep Sam from knowing about it until we figure out some way to explain it to him. How do we do that? How do we explain to a six year old that his mother isn't really dead without it looking like Jack has been lying to him?" Kate asked.

"I don't know the answer to that, but is your constant use of "us" and "we" your way of telling me that you're going to stop screwing with my son's head and heart?" Christian asked.

"Are you?" Kate spat back.

"Touché." Christian said and left her office.

The small boy sat at his desk in his bedroom coloring a picture. Jack stood in the doorway and watched him for a moment before entering the room, shuffling his feet so he wouldn't startle him.

"What are you doing?" Jack asked.

"I made this for Kate. Can we take it to her?" Sam asked.

Jack looked at the picture. It was a very awkward looking Christmas tree with three stick people standing beside it, clearly a man, a woman and a child with the words _"Mery Crismus Kate. I Love You. Sam"_ scribbled across the bottom,

"This is very nice Sam and I think she would really like it, but we talked about this. We can't go see Kate." Jack spoke softly, gently and with a heavy heart.

"It's my Christmas present for her daddy, we have to give it to her." Sam pleaded with him.

Jack hugged the boy and kissed him on the cheek.

"I'll tell you what. Let's put it under the tree and I'll leave a note for Santa telling him to please deliver it to Kate." Jack bargained.

"Santa only gives his own stuff, not other people's." Sam argued.

"We'll put out an extra cookie for him so he won't be too tired to do us a favor." Jack suggested.

"I think he will need a sandwich daddy if he has to make an extra trip." Sam said as if it were general knowledge that Santa needed more than just a cookie to accomplish such a thing.

Jack bit back the smile that was forcing its way onto his face, enjoying every minute of the magic that is Christmas for a child Sam's age. Jack hadn't smiled much since Kate left him, but he was determined to make his first Christmas with his son as special and happy for Sam as was humanely possible.

"Okay, a sandwich then. Let me guess, peanut butter with grape jelly." Jack said and smiled at him.

"Do you think Santa likes grape jelly?" Sam asked.

"The story says his belly shakes like a bowlful of jelly when laughs so he must." Jack reasoned making Sam laugh.

"You're funny daddy." Sam giggled.

"Come on, Rick and Christy are expecting us." Jack said, taking the boy by the hand and leading him out of the room.

They stopped on their way through the living room and placed the picture for Kate under the tree. Jack scribbled a quick note for Santa and set it beside the picture, promising to make the sandwich for Santa when they returned from the small get together next door. Sam seemed happy with the arrangement and they exited the house.

About an hour into the Christmas Eve party the children were beginning to get restless so the adults decided it was time to let them have their gift exchange. Jack stood in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room and watched the children rip into their packages. Christy approached him and stood beside him. Jack glanced up at the flower hanging in the center of the doorway and grinned at her.

"Half the women in this neighborhood would give up their first born to be in this position." Christy giggled as he kissed her quickly on the mouth.

"Thanks for inviting us. I don't think I've ever done anything like this before." Jack sighed a happy sigh.

"That's just sad Jack." Christy said.

"No, it's only sad if you're aware that you're missing out on something really great." Jack told her.

"While I've got you in such a happy mood could I get you to do a favor for me?" Christy asked.

"Sure." Jack said.

"There's a really big gift for Rick out in the pool house. It's hidden in one of the changing rooms. Will you go get it for me and bring it in?" Christy asked.

"You're going to give it to him tonight?" Jack asked.

"No, I'm going to make him stare at it all night and wonder what is." Christy laughed.

"What is it?" Jack asked.

"I'm not telling you. You men stick together and you'd tell him." Christy teased.

"Then I guess I can't tell you what he got you." Jack returned the tease.

"You mean the sweet little convertible with the big red bow?" Christy replied with a satisfied grin.

"How did you?" Jack asked shocked that she knew since the car wasn't supposed to be delivered until around 5 AM.

"Jack, I'm a wife and mother and I know everything." She told him.

"You don't know everything. The bow isn't red." Jack said.

"Go get my package smart ass." Christy laughed and pushed him toward the back door.

"Is it the only one out there? I don't want to grab the wrong thing." Jack said.

"It is the only gift hidden in the pool house and Jack, I'm glad you're here, Merry Christmas." Christy said, kissing him once more and hugging him tightly.

He pulled back and looked at her with questioning eyes, wondering where all the emotion in that hug generated from. Had he really become so pathetic his neighbor was handing out extra heaping helpings of TLC? He slipped out the back door and followed the lighted path to the pool house. He opened the door and stepped inside, turning the lights on and walking toward the three changing rooms. He opened the door to the first one and froze, not finding a large package, but instead Kate. She smiled at him and pulled him into the room with her.

"Kate, what are you, how….why?" Jack searched for words that wouldn't come, so completely surprised and overwhelmed with a variety of emotions that it was rendering him stupid.

"I didn't want Sam to see me in case you tell me to leave." She said and moved closer.

"Why would I do that?" He asked, regaining his senses and placing his hands on her lower back so he could pull her closer.

"Because I wouldn't blame you if you did after what I've put you through." She said and dropped her head.

He pulled his hands away, placed his fingers under her chin and made her look at him. He reached down and took hold of her hands, noticing immediately that she was wearing the ring he'd given her. He pulled the hand up between them and kissed her fingers.

"I would only ask you to leave it you weren't planning on staying for good." He said, his voice cracking and his eyes filling with tears.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and he pulled her as close as he could get her, hugging her tight as they both became overwhelmed with emotion.

"I'm so sorry Jack. I know I've hurt you and Sam badly." She cried.

"It doesn't matter Kate, the only thing that matters is that you're back." He told her, pulling back and kissing her softly, as if she might be an illusion that would suddenly disappear if he appeared too eager.

"I've been such a fool. Can I see Sam?" She asked.

"Of course and I have an idea, something that will really make your return extra special." Jack told her.

Christy saw Jack reenter through the back door and made her way over to him. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her.

"Thank you." He whispered.

"Where is she?" Christy asked.

"She'll be back in a minute. When the doorbell rings let Sam answer it." Jack said.

Jack made his way over to where all the children were and squatted down beside Sam.

"What'd you get?" He asked.

"Some Transformers, want to try it?" Sam asked.

Before Jack could answer the doorbell rang.

"Sam can you answer the door for me?" Christy asked.

"Really?" Sam asked.

"Yes really, go now and hurry." Christy said.

Sam scurried away from Jack and headed for the front door. Jack, Rick and Christy followed and then held back some while he opened it, none sure how Sam was going to react, but probably not expecting the scene to put painful lumps in their throat.

Sam opened the door and froze. He couldn't speak and couldn't move. Kate kneeled down to his level and held her arms out. Sam fell into her arms shaking and sobbing. Kate held him close and stood with him, his legs and arms wrapped around her and head on her shoulder, crying and holding as tightly to her as he could.

"Shh baby, it's okay." Kate spoke softly to him, the child's breakdown bringing her to tears.

"I was good and you came back." Sam told her, his words coming out broken, too overwhelmed with emotion to settle himself down.

"No Sam, I didn't leave because of you. I love you so much and I missed you every single day and it was all about me sweetie, you and your dad didn't do anything wrong, I promise." Kate continued to try to comfort the boy.

Kate walked into the living room with Sam wrapped around her, the once festive mood now somber and not the result she and Jack had hoped for. She sat on the couch and attempted to get him to sit back so she could look at him, but he wouldn't budge, clinging to her as though his life depended on it. Jack sat beside them, placing his arm around her and a comforting hand on Sam's back.

"God Jack I'm so sorry. My actions have hurt him in ways I never would've imagined." Kate apologized and wiped the tears from her face.

"Kate, he's a very young child who has been through some very traumatic events. This isn't all about you." Rick offered.

"I should've……" Kate started and Jack stopped her.

"No, don't. We aren't going to do this Kate. If we want to point fingers at whom or what is responsible for his emotional state, there is plenty of blame to go around. He loves you and he's very happy you're home. Aren't you Sam?" Jack asked still rubbing the child's back gently.

"I made you a present." Sam mumbled softly.

Kate and Jack looked at each other and at the piece of paper Kate had been clutching in her hand the entire time and smiled. She once again attempted to get Sam to sit up and look at her and this time it worked, the mild shock the child had been suffering starting to wear off.

"I got your present Sam and I think it's beautiful." Kate said and held the picture up.

Sam looked at the picture he'd drawn earlier and placed under the tree for Santa to take to Kate and his eyes widened. He looked at Jack, his clouded eyes starting to clear and showing a hint of a sparkle.

"Daddy look, Santa did it!" Sam exclaimed.

"He sure did buddy." Jack agreed with a light chuckle knowing that someday Sam would remember this moment and realize his dad had deceived him, but hoped that he would understand the deception came out of love.

"I have a present for you too Sam." Kate said and handed Sam a small box.

Sam opened the box, not understanding what the two simple bands inside were for.

"What is it?" Sam asked.

"Those are wedding bands Sam. You're dad showed me your paper, the one where you had to write down what you wanted for Christmas. You wrote that you wanted me to marry your dad and be your new mom. You have to hold onto those until it's time for us to get married. Can you do that?" Kate asked.

"Can we do it now?" Sam asked eagerly making all the adults laugh lightly.

"What do you say we get back to having fun and let your dad and Kate decide when they want to do it. I think there's hot chocolate and cookies in the kitchen." Rick said, snatching the boy out of Kate's lap and carrying him out of the room.

"What made you change your mind Kate?" Jack asked.

"Does it matter?" She asked.

"I don't know, does it? I'm with Sam, I feel like I need to marry you tonight to make sure you don't get away again." Jack said.

"We have some things to talk about, but not now, not here. Jack, I'm not going anywhere again, I promise." She told him.

He leaned in and kissed her and they spent the next hour getting reacquainted, finally saying their goodnights and taking Sam home.

Kate lay with Sam who, like any normal child on Christmas Eve, found sleep hard to come by, while Jack assembled the shiny new bicycle that Santa was going to leave for him. He was placing the last package under the tree when Kate appeared in the room.

"What do you think? Will he like it?" Jack asked.

"It looks great. If I didn't know any better I'd think you'd been doing this Santa thing for years. You've come so far in such a short time Jack." Kate complimented.

"I had a good teacher." He said and kissed her.

They turned the lights down and sat together on the couch sipping wine and watching the lights on the Christmas tree twinkle.

"That tree is interesting Jack." Kate finally spoke.

"What do you mean?" Jack asked.

"Look at it. White lights and red balls, red balls that look like they were placed on the tree using a ruler to measure the exact distance between them. Don't get me wrong, it looks really good, but also like an extremely anal individual put it together." She giggled.

"Cute, but just so you know, I had nothing to do with it. It was all Sam. He insisted on white lights and red balls and he decorated it in a very slow and meticulous manner. I had to help with the high ones and put up with _"No daddy, not there!" _for two hours. The boy definitely has a keen eye for detail and has no problem barking out orders." Jack chuckled.

"I can't imagine where he gets that." Kate teased.

"I have no intention of ordering you around, but baby slow and meticulous is definitely on the menu." He said and kissed her, taking the wine glass from her hand and setting it on the table as he deepened the kiss.

"Wait Jack, we need to talk about something." She said breathlessly.

"We can talk later Kate." He objected, swallowing her mouth in another passionate kiss while his hands worked slowly on the buttons on her blouse.

"Jack." She protested and pushed him back some, her blouse hanging open.

Jack pulled her into his lap, their bodies and faces just inches apart and his hands slowly gliding the opened blouse off her shoulders and down her arms. He reached behind her and unfastened her bra, taking his time removing it as well. He pulled her closer, dropped his head and gently sucked a nipple into his mouth, the move making her moan and arch her back. He continued to suck while his hand slowly massaged her other breast and then he slowly kissed his way up her breast bone, over her neck and finally her mouth. He pulled back and looked at her flushed face.

"Whatever it is Kate, it can wait." He said and laid her back onto the couch.

He placed one knee on the cushion between her legs while keeping the other planted firmly on the floor, pulling his shirt up and off before reaching for his belt buckle. She watched him slowly unfasten his belt and then the button on his jeans. He pulled the zipper down and stopped, having relieved the discomfort the tightness was causing and ready to focus on her some more.

He reached down and unbuttoned her jeans and pulled the zipper down slowly, dropping his face down into the opening and kissing her lower belly and stomach attentively. She began squirming beneath him, wanting to touch and taste any part of him she could get to but his positioning making it impossible. His hot, wet mouth was clamped over one of her nipples again and she pushed his head down wanting him to suck harder her hips coming up off the couch and looking for any part of him to grind against.

She finally slipped out from under him and onto the floor beside the couch, quickly pushing him down onto his back and following on top of him, placing her breasts in his face and squeezing the tops of his shoulders hard as he continued to make a meal out of them, his hard sucking and gentle nibbling hitting all the right trigger points.

She pulled back and slid down some, her blue jean clad crotch rubbing hard over his, making him groan and pull her back toward him, their mouths coming together in a sloppy passionate kiss, him working feverishly to push her pants down and her doing what she could to help him out. With her pants and panties down to her knees he slid his hand over her ass slowly, teasing her, allowing his fingers to graze the outside of her opening and then pull away.

He continued to tease her for a little longer before helping her push her pants and panties past her knees, pulling her toward him again so she could kick them off. She went up onto her knees again all but begging him to put his fingers where she wanted them so desperately. He placed his hands on her hips and pulled her forward until her pussy was positioned over his mouth. She let her upper body fall forward, hands on the cushion above his head and feeling like she might pass out as he slowly licked her clit while penetrating her with a finger from behind.

"Jack, I'm so….I, ah, ah…….." She panted and moaned her release very close, but she was holding back and he couldn't get her over the edge.

He let her move back down and pushed his jeans and boxers down over his hips and past his knees. He kicked them off and then sat up. His cock was very hard and reaching for his stomach, his tip swollen, discolored and dripping.

"I can't take it anymore, suck it off." He demanded.

Kate quickly positioned herself between his legs and began taking him into her mouth while his hands moved roughly through her hair. She'd barely started when she felt and tasted the first spurts of him on her tongue and then he was done or so she thought. She pulled her mouth away, her hand still fisting a very impressive erection and she looked at him. He pulled her up into his lap and they slowly connected.

"There, I let myself have all the pleasure. Satisfied? What's done is done so no more guilt Kate. I just want to spend tonight loving you and I want you to let yourself enjoy it. Please, Kate." He told her and began thrusting up into her.

"I don't deserve this Jack. Why can't you at least make me work for it?" She asked as he continued to thrust up into her hard, his cock stretching her walls and making her feel as full as she could possibly get.

"Because I'm not the only one in this relationship that is allowed to fuck up and just be forgiven. I love you Kate and I don't care about making you work for anything. Come for me baby." He said as he continued to thrust into her while rubbing her clit with his thumb.

"I can't." She said.

"Yes you can Kate. Can you feel it baby, so hot and hard just for you. I could stay inside you like this all night and I plan to. Do you not want that? Do you want me to just leave you alone?" He asked and slowed everything down.

"No, I want that, I want you." She said, wrapping her arms around his neck and getting as close to him as she could, slowly gliding up and down his hard shaft.

"That feels so good Kate. I love it when you take control, when you're in the driver's seat and making me feel this good. You're the hottest, sweetest, most beautiful woman in the world. Keep going babe, keep fucking me slow. I can feel you tightening around me and it makes me crazy." He whispered in her ear, his tone so sexy, lustful yet full of love and admiration.

She exploded in his lap, the orgasm she'd been holding back flowing out of her in wave after crashing wave as she held tightly to him, stopping their movements and riding the waves with him buried inside her all the way up to her throat or at least that's how it felt.

"Oh god Jack, I love you so much, I've been so miserable without you." She panted and cried.

He held onto her while she came and then cried, their bodies staying connected as she talked about how lonely she'd been, but mostly how sorry she was for hurting him and Sam. He stopped trying to convince her that it was okay or that it didn't matter because it did matter. It mattered to her and it mattered to him that she felt so strongly about it. He admitted what a mess his professional life had become and she pretended she didn't already know while promising to be supportive while he got his medical practice back on track. She also admitted that her professional life had become a mess as well, that she'd literally misplaced a five year old for an entire day and was on probation with CASA. Thankfully the misplaced child wasn't really misplaced, but tucked away safely in a shelter, just not the shelter Kate had annotated in his file. She'd been putting her skills as a social worker to use, pouring herself into the state's severely overloaded and understaffed system and spending her days and nights checking out complaints of neglect and abuse.

"Now that we've established that we're both kind of pathetic without each other, how about we take this bottle of wine, lock ourselves in our bedroom, enjoy a hot candle-lit bubble bath and then make love until we pass out or until Sam demands our attention, whichever comes first." Kate suggested.

"Mmm…..okay, but no bubbles." He said.

"Do you have something against bubbles?" Kate asked.

"Yes, they would be clinging to your body and obstructing my view." He said with a grin, disconnecting from her before standing with her in his arms.

"Wait, wait, the wine." She giggled and reached down to grab the bottle and the two glasses as he carried her away to the bedroom.


	25. Chapter 25

They lay snuggled together in the center of the bed sleeping soundly, their evening of wine and a hot bath followed by more wine and more reconnecting leaving both of them physically and emotionally spent and ready to rest by 3 AM. Jack wasn't sure if he felt the small hands pushing on him or heard the "Daddy wake up!" chant first, but he was sure his mind and body were nowhere near ready to wake up. He finally forced his eyes open and was met with the wide eyes of an excited child.

"Daddy come on! It's Christmas!" Sam pleaded.

"Sam, what time is it?" Jack groaned sleepily.

"The clocks says 4-3-6, come on daddy, Santa came!" Sam urged, the activity finally causing Kate to stir and lift her head from the warmth of Jack's chest.

"Sam, it's 4:30 in the morning, I think we need to sleep a little more." Jack sighed heavily knowing he was not going to win this battle.

"I slept already. Kate tell him it's okay to get up now." Sam pleaded with her.

"It's Christmas Jack, it's okay to get up now." Kate mumbled.

"Okay Sam, go wait for us in the living room." Jack told him.

"No daddy, you will go back to sleep. You have to come now." Sam demanded.

"Sam, I need to pee. I'll be out in 5 minutes." He groaned needing the child to leave the room so they could get up because both of them were naked.

"Do you promise you won't go back to sleep?" Sam asked.

"I promise. Will you go make daddy some really strong coffee?" Jack asked.

"I can't make coffee." Sam giggled.

"You can get the stuff down for me. Will you do that?" Jack asked.

"Okay, but hurry. You should see all the stuff Santa brought!" Sam said as he moved off the bed and ran out of the room excitedly.

"I think I might throw up." Jack sighed heavily and forced himself up and off the bed.

Kate lay her head on the pillow and watched his naked butt walk across the room toward the closet, smiling despite the fact that she was so tired she too felt like she might throw up. He exited the closet less than a minute later wearing jeans and a t-shirt with a robe in his hand. He dropped the robe on the bed, leaned over and kissed her.

"You look so sexy. I'd rather crawl back in there with you than suggest you put that robe on, but Santa came." He said in an apologetic tone.

"Mmm…. Santa sure did come, several times if memory serves." Kate teased.

"Kate." Jack laughed.

"We really need to remember to lock our door Jack or at least turn the lights off because he's going to bust us eventually." Kate laughed and sat up, slipping the robe over her arms and shoulders.

Kate barely had the robe closed before Sam appeared in the doorway again.

"Hurry!" Sam insisted, shifting his weight from one foot to the other and holding himself, obviously needing to go to the bathroom, but too eager to get to the presents to make the detour.

They both watched him for a moment and laughed before ordering him to slow down and go take care of business before he had an accident.

"Let get out there and Jack, after this, there is really something important we need to discuss." Kate reminded him.

"Okay." He replied and they both slowly walked out of the bedroom together.

An hour later all the packages were ripped open and they sat in the middle of the mess watching Sam go from one new toy to the next.

"Daddy can I ride my bike?" Sam asked.

"Sam, it's still dark outside." Jack chuckled.

"Can we go put the new car on the train?" Sam asked.

"Sam, why don't we clean up some of this mess, have some breakfast and then I bet it will be light outside and you can ride your bike." Kate suggested.

"No, I'm not hungry." Sam whined.

"Don't whine Sam." Jack groaned, so tired he wanted to get on the floor with Sam and whine too.

Sam recognized his father's tone as the one that meant he should probably stop nagging at him or else and crawled around through the mess trying to decide what he wanted to play with. He noticed the envelope stashed inside the branches. He pulled it out and looked at it.

"What's that honey?" Kate asked.

"It says it's for you." Sam said and handed her the envelope, allowing Kate to pull him into her lap while she opened it.

Kate looked at the envelope, the words "To Kate, From Santa" printed across the front making her smile and look at Jack.

"What is it?" She asked.

"I don't know, it says it's from Santa." Jack said.

Kate opened the envelope and removed the brochures for the 5-Star Bed & Breakfast in the mountains that were inside.

"That's where we're spending New Year's Eve and New Year's Day." Jack told her.

"Jack, when did you, I mean how could you have known, that I'd come back?" Kate asked.

"I didn't, I was hopeful. I decided that even if you wouldn't spend the holiday there with me; that you deserved a nice getaway and could take a friend with you." Jack told her.

"I walked out on you and you bought me a Christmas present?" Kate asked her eyes filling with tears.

"You're all I thought about and all I cared about, well except for Sam of course. After talking with your brother I understood why you left. It didn't make not having you here any easier, but knowing that you weren't here because you were hurting in ways I can't even begin to imagine……well, I love you Kate and I never stopped missing you or hoping you'd come back, but even if you didn't I wanted to do something nice for you." Jack told her.

Kate wiped her tears and hugged Jack tightly, squashing Sam in-between them and pulling back, turning the boy to face her and kissing him on the cheek.

"I'm sorry Sam, I didn't mean to squash you." Kate apologized.

"It's okay." Sam said and squirmed out of her lap, standing on the floor in-between her knees.

He stopped and turned, wrapping his arms around her neck, hugging her and kissing her on the cheek.

"I'm so glad you came back. This is the best Christmas I ever had." Sam told her.

"Me too baby." Kate told him returning the hug and the kiss.

"Is it your best Christmas too dad?" Sam asked.

"That depends on whether or not you're going to let me go back to bed." Jack teased the child.

Sam didn't appreciate the humor and hung his head. Jack pulled him in for a quick hug and stood the boy in front of him.

"It's my first Christmas with you, of course it's the best one I've ever had." Jack told him and mussed the boy's hair.

Sam was happy with that response and moved back to the mess in the middle of the floor. Jack relaxed back into the sofa and Kate relaxed back into him. They sat quietly watching Sam play.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Jack finally asked getting no response.

"Kate?" He asked again.

He pulled his head up and looked down at her. She was asleep and apparently sleeping very hard. He laughed lightly and let his head relax back into the sofa, closing his eyes just for a moment, just long enough to soothe the burn that the lack of sleep was causing. When he opened them again daylight was pouring through all the windows. He looked around confused and then realized he really had dozed off that quickly. He glanced down at the mess in the middle of the floor and at his son who was asleep in the middle of it and breathed a sigh of relief. He focused in on the clock on the wall. It was a little after 10. He noticed that Kate was no longer cuddled up next to him and sat up quickly, looking around the room and then relaxing again when he saw her enter the room freshly showered and dressed.

"Did you think I left you again?" She asked and winked.

"No." He shrugged.

"Liar." She teased.

"Maybe for a second, but only because I wasn't fully awake." He admitted and she leaned in and kissed him.

"It's okay. I'd be a little twitchy too if you'd done what I did." She told him, smiling and then kissing him again.

"I'm going to go grab a shower and then I'll start cleaning up this mess." Jack said.

"Jack, we really need to talk while Sam is sleeping." Kate pressed.

"Okay, just give me 10 minutes." Jack told her.

When Jack returned from the shower Sam was awake and Kate was making him breakfast. Jack began the task of cleaning up all the papers and empty boxes, but didn't get very far before Sam appeared begging to be taken outside to ride his new bike. Jack took the boy outside and Kate joined them a few minutes later. She watched him run up and down the sidewalk holding onto the bike, not willing to let go and let Sam try it on his own.

"You have to let go eventually Jack." Kate laughed.

"Let go daddy, I can do it." Sam insisted.

Jack finally let go and stopped, watching as Sam wobbled down the sidewalk and then finally lost it, most of him landing on the grass. It was a nice, warm December day and Sam had on a short-sleeved t-shirt. When he came up he was crying and holding his arm. Both Jack and Kate ran to him and began assessing the damage. His arm and elbow was scraped and bleeding, but the injury was minor. Jack turned his attention away from Sam for a moment, glancing at the car parked across the street and then quickly turned his attention back to Sam.

"Kate, can you take him inside." Jack asked his tone suggesting something was wrong.

"What's wrong?" Kate asked.

"Please Kate, just do what I asked." Jack snapped.

Kate could tell something had him almost scared so she didn't argue. She picked Sam up and carried him back to the house. Jack pretended to fuss over the bicycle while taking another peek at the car parked at an angle to him. He pushed the bike back toward his house and as soon as he was directly across from the car he quickly darted across the street, shoved his arm in through the open window and grabbed the keys before the woman had a chance to start the car and take off.

"Hello Jack." She said, so calm and cool it made him take a couple of steps back.

"Carrie. What the hell?" Jack asked.

"I always knew you'd be a good father Jack." She said.

"Shut up! What are you doing here? Why? Do you have any idea what you've put that boy through?" Jack asked.

"Who's that woman and why is she so cozy with my son?" Carrie asked.

Jack didn't answer her. He placed his hands on the back of his head and began pacing. Kate was holding Sam and watching Jack through a window. She could see there was a woman in the car and her gut told her that the woman was Carrie and that Jack was going to be beyond angry when he found out that she knew Carrie was alive and she hadn't told him yet. She picked up the phone, called Rick and told him he needed to go outside and get Jack. Rick didn't question or argue, he could tell by her tone that something was terribly wrong. Rick walked out of house just in time to see Jack pound his fists hard on the top of the car, yelling at the person inside and pacing back and forth like a caged animal. He ran across the street and placed himself between Jack and the woman in the car.

"What's going on Jack?" Rick asked.

"Go back into your house Rick." Jack warned and pushed him out of his way.

Rick placed himself between Jack and the car again.

"Ma'am I think that you should probably leave." Rick said, the look in Jack's eyes as scary and intimidating as anything he'd ever seen.

"He's got my keys." Carrie said.

"Look Jack, I don't know what's happening here, but what you're thinking isn't the solution." Rick warned.

"What am I thinking Rick?" Jack asked.

"Jack, give the woman her keys and let her be on her way." Rick said.

"Why Carrie?!" Jack yelled angrily as Rick held him off.

"Carrie, as in Sam's...." Rick questioned.

"Yeah." Jack huffed, threw the keys at her and began to walk away.

"I want to see him Jack." Carrie said reigniting his rage.

Jack came back, eyes crazy and Rick held him off again.

"Ma'am, you need to go." Rick urged.

Carrie started the car and pulled away. Jack was so shocked and angry he was shaking.

"What's going on Jack?" Rick asked.

"You know as much as I do. She just showed up. I was teaching Sam how to ride his new bike and noticed her sitting there." Jack said as he worked to calm himself down.

"Did Sam see her?" Rick asked.

"No. What the hell am I going to do?" Jack asked, the reality of the situation starting to sink in.

"I don't know but getting angry and threatening her isn't the solution." Rick advised.

"I didn't threaten her." Jack argued.

"Maybe not verbally, but trust me Jack, if she wasn't scared then she's either stupid or crazy or both." Rick said.

Rick walked back to Jack's house with him and into the garage where Jack carefully parked the bicycle.

"I'm fine Rick." Jack said in an agitated tone.

"Yeah, I can tell. I'm not here to baby sit you. I came to take Sam off your hands for awhile so you and Kate can talk about what just happened." Rick said.

Jack and Rick entered the house. They found Sam and Kate in the kitchen. She was bandaging his scrapes and he was whining to go back outside and ride the bike some more. Jack took one look at her and could tell she knew what had just happened and that she had things to tell him and he wasn't sure whether to be angry or hurt over the idea that his dead ex-girlfriend had just resurfaced and Kate didn't seem to be the least bit surprised.

Rick looked between them and could feel the tension. He approached Kate and picked Sam up from the counter top where he was sitting.

"You want to come to my house and see what the kids got for Christmas?" Rick asked him.

"But, I wanted to ride my bike some more." Sam said sadly.

"Come on Sam, let's go ride some more." Jack said and took the boy from Rick, setting him down and taking hold of his hand.

"Jack." Kate argued.

"It's Christmas and he wants to ride his new bike. When he's had enough he can go with Rick." Jack said, keeping his tone even so Sam wouldn't pick up on the tension.

Rick and Kate watched Jack exit the home and then looked at each other.

"He knows." Kate said.

"He knows what?" Rick asked.

"He knows that I knew Carrie was still alive and didn't tell him." Kate said.

"Why would you do that Kate?" Rick asked.

"I tried to tell him last night, but serious talks weren't exactly in his plans and I tried again this morning, but he was too exhausted and too distracted with Sam." Kate told him.

"I'm sure he'll understand." Rick offered.

"Yeah, sure." Kate nodded and bit her lip nervously.

"Listen, this is none of my business, but I'm next door if you guys need anything. Tell Jack to send Sam over when they're done and Christy said to tell you that dinner is at 4 PM." Rick said and left.

Kate busied herself by cleaning up the mess around the Christmas tree in the living room and then finally sitting on the couch with a magazine she couldn't manage to focus on. She heard him enter the house and took a deep breath, the knowing and not telling him not what was making her nervous, but the way she came to know and knowing how much that was going to upset him. However, it had never occurred to her that he'd be thinking what he was thinking. He walked past her without saying a word and she followed, watching him strip out of his clothes, enter the bathroom and turn the shower on.

"Another shower?" Kate asked.

"Yeah, running up and down a sidewalk for two hours leaves you feeling less than fresh." He mumbled and stepped inside the shower.

She sighed, stripped out of her clothes, pulled her hair back and up and stepped into the shower with him. He heard the shower door open and felt her slip in behind him, but didn't turn around.

"Kate I'm really tired and just want to get the sweat off of me." He said, his tone edgy.

"Jack, turn around and talk to me." Kate insisted.

"How long have you known Kate?" Jack asked still refusing to look at her.

"I tried to tell you Jack." She said.

"That's not what I asked. I asked how long you've known." Jack said.

"Look at me Jack!" She said angrily, grabbing his arm and tugging until he turned to face her.

"Is this why you came back Kate? Competition shows up and all of the sudden you want to be with me again?" Jack asked as hateful as she'd known him to be.

"Is that what she is Jack? Competition?" Kate spat back at him.

"In my mind no, but we aren't talking about me, we're talking about you and your motives Kate." Jack said.

"Jack, I don't have any motives." She sighed and ran her hand lightly over his chest.

"Why did you come back Kate?" He asked again, angrily stopping her hand and holding onto it.

"I came back because your father helped me see what a fool I was being!" She shouted at him.

She let go of the tears she was fighting, the tears that were there because he was hurt and no longer trusting of her and hurting her with every hateful accusation that came out of his mouth. She'd done so much damage to their relationship by walking out on him and she would give anything if she could take it all back, but she couldn't and she wasn't going to play this game with him.

"What?" Was all he could manage, his mind reeling from the events of the day and this latest bit of information crossing into "too much to comprehend" territory.

"Your father came to see me Jack, to let me know in no uncertain terms that I was destroying you. He told me Carrie was alive and in Los Angeles and that I needed to protect you and Sam from her, but that's not why I came back Jack. I came back because I love you and I need you and yes a part of me wants nothing more than to protect you and Sam from the pain her returning is going to cause. I know I abused your trust, but please Jack I can't do this. You're looking at me like you don't trust me at all and if that's how you feel then just say so and we'll go our separate ways, but you can't love me and want me and promise me that you forgive me and then do this every time you're feeling insecure." Kate pleaded with him, trying to sound firm and angry, but failing miserably.

Jack looked at her, small and fragile and sad, so very sad and he'd caused it. The idea that her reasons for coming back to him weren't genuine was crushing him and now he was crushing her with his insecurities. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest.

"I'm sorry. What are we doing to each other Kate?" He said sadly.

"Jack, I love you and I am here because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. That is the best I can do so you either really have forgiven me, believe me and want to be with me or you don't, but you don't get to get to throw it in my face anymore. Do you trust me Jack?" She asked, holding tightly to him and not really wanting to hear his answer, but needing to.

He had to think about the question for a moment. Did he trust her? Did he really trust anyone? Was he so screwed up he couldn't open himself up to something as huge as putting all of his faith and trust in another human-being?

"I trust you Kate. I have to. I won't survive this or any minute after if I don't have you in my corner so maybe the old man knew what he was talking about when he told you I needed protecting." Jack admitted.

"Why would a mother do something like this to her child?" Kate asked.

"She's not the same woman I used to know Kate. I could tell from that brief encounter that she's different and not in a good way. Maybe if I'd treated her better my son wouldn't be caught in the middle of something no child should be caught in the middle of." Jack said sadly.

Kate lifted her head from his chest, went up no her tip-toes and kissed him. She reached behind him, grabbed the bath sponge, squirted some body wash onto it and began rubbing it slowly over his chest, arms and stomach.

"I suspect she probably was never completely stable Jack, but I know you're going to blame yourself regardless of how much I protest so you go ahead and do that and I'll be right here, in your corner." She told him.

He could feel himself relaxing, the horror of the moment when he spotted Carrie finally starting to process and release. He grabbed the sponge, added fresh body wash and turned her around.

"Will you marry me tomorrow Kate?" He whispered into her ear while he moved the sponge slowly over her shoulders and back.

"Maybe we should put that off until things settle down." She said, closing her eyes as he pulled her closer and began moving the sponge over her breasts and stomach.

"I don't want to put it off." He said and kissed the side of her neck.

"Because you want us to be a family and make it harder for her to get Sam back?" Kate asked.

"That's a fair question and there's probably a lot of truth to it. So what do you say Kate?" Jack asked and turned her around again, his soapy hands slithering over her hips.

"I say it's a really bad reason to get married Jack." She said expecting to see disappointment or defeat in his eyes, but got a look of determination instead.

"Maybe Kate, but we were going to get married two months ago so it's not like it's what made me ask you to marry me. Do you really think it's a bad idea or is it something else? Are you afraid to marry me Kate?" He asked.

"Yes." She answered.

"Kate you said you came back because you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and I'm not going to question that, but I am going to hold you to it." He told her and brought his hands up and over her breasts, lowering his head and kissing her passionately.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back, their bodies pressed together tightly under the steamy stream of water. He lifted her and she wrapped her legs around his waist. He turned the water off, opened the shower door and carried her to the bed, laying her onto it and following on top, her legs opening for him and his body positioning itself in the space she'd created.

"I know you're scared, afraid that if you make it real something bad will happen, but nothing is going to happen to me Kate. Do you trust me?" He asked his lips lightly grazing hers as his eyes made contact with hers.

"Yes." She answered in a breathy tone caught somewhere between lust, love and grief and feeling overwhelmed by the moment.

"Then take my hand, hold on tight and marry me tomorrow. I promise to always love you Kate and try every day to make you happy." He said as he kissed her softly.

"You make me happy Jack…….every day, but I can't marry you tomorrow." She told him, the disappointment that showed in his eyes this time breaking her heart.

He moved off of her and disappeared into the bathroom. He returned with a towel wrapped around his waist and a clean towel for her.

"We should get dressed. Christy and Rick are expecting us for dinner." He mumbled.

"Jack I'm sorry." She apologized.

"Yeah, I'm sorry too." He sighed.

"What are we going to do about Carrie?" She asked.

"Let's just enjoy what's left of Christmas by not talking about Carrie." He said quickly and started to walk away. She grabbed his arm and made him turn around and look at her.

"Jack, I'm going to marry you, just not tomorrow." Kate tried to reason with him.

"Yeah, I know, come on, get up, we've burdened the neighbors with Sam long enough." He said and pulled away from her.

"Ten minutes ago you were ready to make love and be late for dinner. You're acting like a spoiled child Jack!" She snapped.

"I'm not going to fight with you Kate. You want to keep running from your demons I can't stop you, but I don't have to pretend to be happy about it or be an enabler for your neurosis by pretending that it's okay because it's not. Can we please just get dressed and go eat dinner now?" He replied calmly.

"Fine Jack, let's get married tomorrow." She sighed.

"Nope, sorry, that offer has expired." Jack said.

"What the hell does that mean?" Kate asked, hating how angry he obviously was, but was masking it under a calm and almost smug demeanor.

"It means that the offer is off the table Kate and someday I will make the offer again and maybe you'll accept and maybe you won't, but for now, the subject of marriage is closed." He told her.

"So what, you're going to punish me now?" Kate asked sarcastically.

"If that involves spanking you really, really hard then yeah baby, I'm in." He replied more serious than not.

"Go ahead Jack. You're pissed, I get it. If some rough sex will help you feel better then go for it." She taunted and grabbed his hands roughly.

He pulled away and grabbed both of her wrists, his large hands wrapping around them easily, holding them tight, the urge to pin them to the bed and fuck her senseless threatening to consume him. He moved his face closer to hers. She could feel his hot breath as he moved his mouth to her ear, not the least bit threatened by him, but surprisingly very turned on.

"The day I allow myself to take you in anger is the day you'll have a real reason to be running." He whispered and pulled back.

"Jack." She said softly.

"No. You don't get to feel better by goading me into disrespecting your body." He said and walked away.

She watched him disappear into the closet and she suddenly understood what he was doing. He wasn't punishing her, he was being honest. He believes she's being neurotic and doesn't agree with her decision and he's hurt and angry, but he loves her and respects her enough to let it be her decision and not guilt or force her into doing what she doesn't feel ready to do. She stood, wrapped the towel around her body and walked toward the closet. He glanced up at her when she entered the closet and finished pulling his jeans up, fastening them and grabbing a belt. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

"Thank you." She said and walked away but not before seeing the acknowledgement in his eyes.


	26. Chapter 26

Rick and Christy watched Jack and Kate and the apparent tension between them and wished there was something they could do to alleviate some of the stress in their lives. New relationships are difficult, but two people trying to explore and discover one another with so many issues clobbering them from every direction wind up failing more often than not simply because they spend so much time dealing with those issues and fighting about those issues that they forget to nurture the relationship. Rick could tell that all the crap was starting to take its toll on them, that her past, his past, Sam's past and the demons from those pasts surfacing all at once in the present were becoming a real threat to their happiness.

With dinner out of the way and the children off playing, the four adults sat around a smaller table relaxing and enjoying a drink. The apparent resurrection of Sam's mother hadn't been brought up and neither Rick nor Christy were going to bring it up.

"Got any big plans for New Year's Eve?" Rick asked.

Kate looked at Jack, but his eyes and his expression told her nothing. He may not have been punishing her and while she appreciated that he was backing off of the marriage talk and giving her time and space to come to grips with the idea she couldn't help but still feel put out with him for the abrupt way he'd left the bed and for being angry with her over her refusal to marry him right this minute.

"Jack gave me a night and two days at this gorgeous bed and breakfast in the mountains. Reservations are for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Want to go with me Christy?" Kate asked.

Christy looked at Jack who was clearly stung.

"It sounds like something maybe you and Jack should do together Kate and let us keep Sam for you." Christy said.

"No, you should go Christy. You could probably use a break from the kids." Jack offered and forced a smile.

"The kids? Hell, she would probably enjoy a break from me." Rick joked in an attempt to ease the tension.

"Yeah you too huh babe, two months wasn't nearly enough of a break." Jack said sarcastically, taking his drink, leaving the table and going out the back door.

"I'm going to go home. Thank you so much for dinner." Kate said, sad and fighting back her tears.

"Okay, enough. You aren't going home, you are going to go out there and talk to him." Rick demanded.

"He doesn't want to talk to me." Kate said as she quickly wiped away the tear that escaped as if the quick action would keep anyone from noticing she was about to cry.

"Don't take this the wrong way Kate, but you sat there and picked a fight with him and now you're going run home crying because you tried to hurt his feelings and it worked?" Rick reasoned.

"You don't know what you're talking about." Kate said.

"He's right Kate. You did seem to be looking for a knife to jab into him. Now I have no idea what happened between you that would make you want to do that, but I think you need to go out there and try to figure it out with him." Christy offered.

Kate took their advice, excused herself and joined Jack on the back patio. He was leaning against one of the posts, staring out into the night. She wrapped her arms around herself to provide some warmth against the chilly night air and stood beside him.

"You can be a real ass sometimes Jack." She said.

"You can be a real bitch sometimes Kate." He said.

"You were about to make love to me and pulled away, left me lying there naked in more ways than one. That was cruel." She said.

"What did you want me to do Kate? Oh, that's right, I'm a man and men don't need to be in the mood so I should've just fucked you anyway even though I no longer felt like it." He said, his tone flat.

"Oh no you definitely wanted to fuck me Jack, just not in the literal sense." She accused.

"No Kate I didn't. It wasn't about punishing you. When you said you wouldn't marry me I didn't want to be with you. I needed a few minutes to feel disappointed and be angry with you, but apparently that's not allowed. Tell you what Kate, you make a list of which emotions I'm allowed to be honest about and I'll do my best to tow the line." Jack sighed, exhausted by their relationship at the moment.

"It's not fair for you to get mad at me because I won't get married on your schedule." She yelled.

"No, it isn't and that's why I said we wouldn't talk about it anymore." He replied, keeping his voice down, not wanting to get into a screaming match with her.

"I hate it when you're mad at me Jack and I can't stand to be around you when you're like this." She said sadly.

He glanced over at her and could see she was cold. He put his arm around her and pulled her close, wrapping the other arm around her and rubbing his hands up and down her back in an attempt to warm her up.

"I'm not mad at you Kate. I'm just……it's just too much some days. I was angry earlier, but I'm not anymore. I'm tired Kate, tired of slaying demons, tired of everything always being a battle. I thought you and I being able to escape for a couple of days would be a nice release, but apparently you don't." He explained.

"What's the point Jack? The problems will still be here when we get back." Kate sighed.

"The point is that everybody has a breaking point Kate and we're there. We need a day or two to recharge and reconnect." Jack said.

"We spent last night reconnecting Jack." She argued.

"We did, but I think we need more than a few hours of sex Kate, we need some time to relax and enjoy each other's company. Why don't you want to go away with me?" He asked.

"Jack, I'd love nothing more than to have you to myself for a couple of days. No little boy or patients battling me for your attention would be wonderful, but it's not going to change anything. All the issues will still be here when we get back." She said allowing more of herself to relax into him.

"Kate things are insane, I agree and I'm sorry." He apologized.

"I don't care about the insanity Jack, I'm here to fight the good fight with you." She said.

"Then what it is Kate?" He asked.

"I just got you back Jack and I don't want to lose you, but how can I hang onto you if I can't be what you want and need me to be?" She said sadly.

"Hey, look at me." He said.

She tilted her head from the coziness of his chest and looked up at him. He took her face into his hands and kissed her.

"You are everything I want and need." He said sternly, but lovingly.

"You want and a need a wife and I can't be that for you right now." She said as the tears slipped down her face.

"I don't want or need a wife Kate. I want and need you and only you in whatever capacity I can have you. I'm sorry I got upset earlier, but unless you choose to walk away, there is no way in hell you are ever going to lose me. I promise. You are everything to me. Please tell me you believe that." He said.

"That works both ways Jack. Do you believe that you are everything to me?" She asked.

He let go of her face and let his hands slip down her sides slowly and around until they were resting on her lower back, their hips pressed together and him holding her there.

"You endured what was no doubt a terribly condescending speech from my father and you came back anyway. That must mean I'm a keeper in your eyes." He said and smiled at her with his light-hearted, loves her so much she makes his heart skip a beat smile that made her own heart skip a beat.

"He is a bit of a pompous ass isn't he?" Kate agreed making him laugh.

"That he is." Jack agreed.

"You know what was really annoying is that the son-of-a-bitch was right. He doesn't even know me, but I'll be damned if it didn't feel like he did." Kate said.

"He's very good at that." Jack said.

"He cares about you Jack, you know that don't you?" Kate asked.

"Yeah, I do." Jack sighed.

"But you still hate him?" She poked.

"No, I hate that he could never just be a father to me." Jack admitted.

"Maybe it's not too late to have some kind of relationship with him." Kate offered.

"He doesn't want that and neither do I. Besides, I have all I need right here." He said sweetly and kissed her again.

They pulled apart and reentered the house. Rick and Christy weren't in the dining room any longer and they could hear the sounds of children bickering and crying. They followed the noise and found Rick and Christy in the game room in the middle of a brouhaha between the five children. Rick grabbed his two oldest boys Parker and Derek, who were 11 and 10, by the backs of their shirts and escorted them out of the room. Christy was comforting Sam while her 8 year old son Max attempted to comfort his six year old sister Sadie who was crying over what appeared to be a broken toy.

"What happened?" Jack asked getting all of Sam's attention.

The boy ran to him and Jack picked him up. He wrapped his body around him and held tight, refusing to speak or let go so Jack could talk to him.

"Jack I'm so sorry." Christy said.

"Why? What happened?" Kate asked.

"Derek got aggravated with Sadie and threw her doll's horse across the room. It hit the fireplace and broke a couple of its legs. Sadie started crying and Sam got mad and jumped on Derek. Parker pulled Sam off of Derek and I guess decided that bullying him would be fun. He told Sam he needed to go home to his own house and threatened to put him outside because nobody wanted him here. I guess Sam argued that I wanted him here and then Parker told him to get his own mom and then started antagonizing him by telling that his own mother didn't want him, that she wasn't really dead, but that she just didn't want him anymore and neither did his dad." Christy explained.

Jack's initial reaction was to be angry and hurt as he wondered if the people he thought were his friends had been talking about his situation and their children overheard, but he didn't say anything. He paced back and forth for a long time in an attempt to calm himself down so he wouldn't take his anger out on Christy if she hadn't done anything. Rick and Christy had been nothing but kind and courteous to him and had always treated him like a member of their family and he had to bite his tongue and not overreact. He paced and mumbled to himself until he felt like he was calm enough to speak and just as Rick reentered the room he managed to say something.

"Why would Parker say something like that?" Jack asked.

"I just asked him the same thing. I wasn't the only witness to the scene in front of your house this morning Jack. Elizabeth Caldwell saw and heard everything. Parker was at their house earlier today playing with Tyler and I guess they over heard Elizabeth and Paul discussing what had happened." Rick explained apologetically.

"Do people really not have anything better to talk about than me?" Jack spat angrily.

"Jack." Kate warned.

"No Kate it's bullshit! Why do people sit around and make up lies about situations they know nothing about? I don't want my son? Why would they say that? What the hell did I ever do to any of these people that makes them never have anything nice to say about me?" Jack continued with his rant, apparently aware of all the gossipy comments that had been made about him over the years.

"Jack it's not personal, it's human nature, the ugly side of human nature, but a very real side of it." Rick said.

"It's not personal? Are you fucking serious?!" Jack screamed so loud Sam jumped and Sadie put her hands over her ears.

"Jack stop it, you're scaring the kids." Kate scolded him and attempted to take Sam from him, but the child would not let go.

Jack looked at Sadie and Max who were both looking at him like they never had. He walked over to them and sat down on the cushion beside them.

"I'm sorry guys. I'm upset, but not with you." Jack apologized and continued to try to comfort his traumatized son.

"Hey kids, how about we go into the kitchen and have dessert." Christy suggested.

Rick approached Jack and sat beside him.

"Jack I am so sorry. I never would've dreamed one of my kids was capable of something so mean, but the cat is out of the bag so you have to talk to him, try to help him understand." Rick offered.

"How?" Jack asked sadly.

"The truth Jack, all of it, your relationship with his mother all the way up to what happened today. He's only six and shouldn't have to hear it, but he has to. He's going to have a lot of questions and if you need any help answering them in a way that he can understand just pick up the phone or come over." Rick offered.

"Don't be too hard on Parker, he's just a kid, a good kid, and he probably didn't realize that the things he was repeating were going to be so hurtful." Jack said.

"Yeah well he's going to have a lot of time to reflect on what he's done and why it was so hurtful." Rick said.

"I think we're going to go home. Will you tell Christy we said thank you for dinner?" Jack asked and stood with the child still wrapped around him.

"I will and again, I'm sorry." Rick said.

"Don't be, you've been a good friend Rick and I, we, all three of us appreciate it." Jack said.

They took Sam home, sat him in-between them and Jack told Sam the story of how he met his mother, how long they dated, why they broke up and did his best to explain that his mother was sick, but not the kind of sick you get shots for or take medicine for, that the abuse and the eventual abandonment had nothing to do with him. Jack was honest and told Sam that in the beginning he didn't want him, but only because he felt like he couldn't be what Sam needed. Kate sat by quietly encouraging Jack and impressed with how well he was handling something so delicate. Jack finished his talk with Sam by explaining to the child that anyone can have babies, but that it doesn't mean they are good parents. He explained that parents are the people who love you and want you and nurture you and that sometimes those people aren't necessarily the people who made you or who gave birth to you. Sam listened intently to the man he'd come to love and trust and when Jack stopped talking he looked up at him, eyes sad, but hopeful.

"But you made me right?" Sam asked.

"Yes, that's right, me and your mom, we made you together." Jack answered.

"But mommy doesn't love me, only you do." Sam said.

"Sam, I think that it is only your mom's sickness that doesn't love you." Jack told him.

"Can she get better?" Sam asked.

"I don't know Sam, but I don't want you to be with her while she's trying to get better." Jack said.

"I want to stay with you daddy. Kate didn't make me, but she is a good mom, better than my mommy that maked me. Will you hurry up and marry Kate so she can be my mom?" Sam asked and Jack looked at Kate.

"Sam, I don't have to be married to your dad to be a mother to you. I love you and love taking care of you and being there for you." Kate explained.

"Okay." Sam sighed and Kate pulled him into her lap and wrapped her arms around him.

"Hey buddy, I know I made you very sad when I left, but I'm not leaving again, I promise. I don't need to be married to know that I can't live without you or your dad so you're stuck with me kiddo. We are a family." Kate told him.

"Will you tuck me in?" Sam asked.

"It's not bedtime yet." Kate said.

"I'm too tired to wait." Sam said.

"Okay, tell your dad goodnight." Kate said and handed the boy over to Jack.

Jack hugged the boy and kissed him on the cheek.

"Do you got work tomorrow?" Sam asked.

"Yes." Jack said.

"What if she comes to get me?" Sam asked.

"She won't Sam, but you can call me as much as you want if it helps you feel better." Jack told him.

"You weren't a very good daddy at first, but now you are the best. I love you." Sam said and hugged him tightly.

"I love you too Sam and I want you with me always." Jack whispered as he hugged the boy back and swallowed the big lump in his throat.

They lay snuggled together on the couch, him wearing nothing but a pair of lounge pants and her freshly bathed and wearing one of his t-shirts and panties. The television was on and both of them were staring at the screen, but not really watching it. She finally turned around to face him, kissing him softly and pulling her arms up and into her body as he wrapped both of his arms around her and held her close.

"You're cold." He said and grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and covered them with it.

"Thanks, I guess I should've put some pants on, but I just wanted to get ready for bed after that nice long bath." She said and snuggled in closer to him, his smell and the warmth and coziness of his chest and stomach both relaxing and comforting.

"This is nice, but we can cuddle in bed if you're tired. I'm guessing sleep will come fast and easy for me too." He said.

"No, this is perfect." She sighed happily and closed her eyes.

He was right behind her and they were both asleep before 9 PM. When he opened his eyes again it was after 1 AM. He glanced down at her, her body draped all over his and her backside uncovered. He readjusted the blanket to cover her, his hand grazing lightly over her bare thigh and suddenly he was wide awake and wanting her. He began moving his fingers softly over her upper thighs and panty clad bottom making her stir. He let his hand slip inside her t-shirt, caressing the soft skin of her side and back before allowing his fingers to move back down and trace along the waistband of her panties. She lifted her head and he was just about to apologize for waking her when she scooted up and kissed him with as much passion and hunger as he was feeling at the moment.

He slipped his hand down the back of her panties and squeezed a handful of her butt gently, moaning into her mouth when she purposely slid upward, her way of encouraging him to take the panties off of her. He began pushing her panties down past her hips, getting them halfway down her thighs and stopping, her queue to help him out. He began pushing her shirt up slowly, wanting and needing all of her warm flesh touching his. She stopped kissing him and he pulled the shirt up over her head and tossed it across the room, moaning again when her plump breasts pressed into his bare chest. She reached down and pushed her panties past her knees, gripping him through the thin material of his lounge pants while she slowly worked the panties off the rest of the way. She slipped her hand down the front of his pants and wrapped her soft fingers around him.

"Let's go to bed." He said softly.

"No, I want you right here. Just you and me and the lights from the Christmas Tree. It's perfect." She said as she gently stroked up and down his hardness.

He positioned himself flat on his back, while she straddled his stomach. He pushed his pants down to his knees and worked them completely off before bringing his hands back up to her waist, allowing his fingers to glide softly over her stomach and up, the soft warm skin both soothing and electrifying to the pads of his finger tips.

"God you're beautiful." He said with so much emotion she felt her breath hitch.

She scooted back and connected with him, both of them closing their eyes and moaning as their bodies slowly and sensually became one, her sitting up straight and driving him in as deep as he could go, holding still and letting him enjoy the feeling of her walls stretching to accommodate him while remaining snugly wrapped around him, squeezing gently and daring him not to lose his load in that moment.

He opened his eyes again and moved his hands up, caressing her breasts before moving his hands down to her hips and around, pulling his knees up, cupping her butt cheeks and encouraging her lie forward onto him, wanting to kiss her and hold her and make love to her.

She moved forward and planted her hands on the couch on either side of his head, leaning in and gently biting his bottom lip, teasing his mouth for a moment and then finally opening her mouth and engaging in a wet passionate kiss as she began to move her hips up and then down.

He quickly found a rhythm with her and they slowly made love, their emotional and physical connection feeling as perfect as it ever had, their issues no where to be found at the moment. She pulled her mouth away from his and pulled back enough to look at him, stopping their movement for a moment and surprisingly and orgasm taking hold of her, making him smile as he watched her close her eyes and enjoy it, becoming a little concerned when he saw a tear trickle down her cheek.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"Nothing, I've just never been so in love or felt this loved before." She told him and held tightly while he repositioned them on their sides, facing one another.

She positioned her leg comfortably over his hip and he pulled them closer, burying his face into the soft, warm, sweet smelling skin of her neck. He began thrusting into her, holding tightly to her, his need becoming more urgent with each thrust bringing her to another explosive orgasm quickly and following right behind her.

They stayed connected for a few minutes, holding each other and settling down. He finally pulled away from her, stood, held his hand out and walked her into the bedroom, picking up their strewn clothes along the way. They met in the center of the bed and he hovered over her for a moment, kissing her passionately before pulling back and looking into her eyes.

"I love you Kate and only you. Nothing will ever change that." He said and kissed her once more before laying down and smiling while she snuggled in next to him, her head on his chest and her arm draped comfortably over his stomach.

She wasn't sure what woke her, but she realized immediately that she was so hot she was sweating. She'd gone to sleep like she always did, her body wrapped around his, head lying on his chest and his arm wrapped around her, but she'd never been this warm, so warm she had to pull away from him because she couldn't stand it. She sat up quickly and he stirred, his body hot with fever and his mind sluggish as he opened his eyes and mumbled something incoherent to her.

"Jack you're burning up." Kate said as she moved her hands over his face.

"Yeah, I feel like shit." He groaned.

"You're so hot, what can I do?" She asked.

"Nothing, I'll get up in a minute and go take some aspirin." He said.

"You stay here, I'll get it." She insisted and moved off the bed before he had a chance to argue.

She returned with the aspirin and a glass of water just as he was walking out of the bathroom loosely tying the lounge pants he'd put on. He sat on the side of the bed and took the aspirin from her.

"Are you okay? Do you need something else?" She asked.

"I'm fine Kate, it's probably the same virus Sam had last week. Come back to bed." He said.

"Jack you're not fine, your fever has to be pushing 104." Kate argued.

"The aspirin will bring it down, but I can't go into work. Will you make sure I'm awake by seven so I can call Dana?" He asked.

"Sure, now lie down and let me take care of you." She ordered.

"You can take care of me by getting back into bed." He growled.

"You're very cute when you're sick and grumpy. Lay down Jack and I will be there in a minute." She said and disappeared into the closet, returning minutes later in one of his t-shirts and a pair of shorts.

He was already asleep again so she snuck out of the room and made herself comfortable on the couch. She tried numerous times to wake him at seven, but he wouldn't make any sense. Whatever had a hold of him was making him very restless and incoherent. She made the call to his assistant Dana and they shared a light giggle over how uncomfortable he would be with the idea that he was so out of it someone actually had to call in sick for him.

Kate spent the morning playing with Sam and checking on Jack who continued to run a high fever and sleep fitfully, grumbling at her when she'd bring him more aspirin and try to fuss over him by putting cool cloths on his face and head. It was late afternoon and time for Jack to take more aspirin. He was a little more alert, but in obvious discomfort when she entered the bedroom, sitting up and taking the water and aspirin from her.

"Are you hungry?" She asked him and placed her hand on his face to see how hot he was.

"No." He answered, pushing her hand away and lying back down, an excruciating headache apparently having taken hold.

She left the room and returned a few minutes later with a couple of ice packs. He looked at her and groaned.

"Kate, please, I'm okay." He pleaded with her.

"You are going to thank me for this because it's going to make that headache you've got manageable." She told him and sat on the bed beside him.

"I'm fine Kate." He protested.

"It's pretty obvious that you're hurting Jack so just shut up and let me take care of you." She told him, keeping her tone soft and caring, not allowing his resistance to being cared for become aggravating to her.

She lifted his head and placed one of the ice packs behind his neck. She placed the other ice pack over his hot forehead and watched him start to relax.

"I bet when Sam had this last week you sat by him and kept cool cloths on his head to keep his fever from making him miserable so why shouldn't you get the same treatment?" She asked.

"Sam is a little boy Kate." Jack sighed, no longer protesting because the ice packs were actually making him feel better.

"And you're a big boy, a big stubborn boy who if the situation were reversed would be sitting by my side taking care of me and refusing to leave. So just rest Jack and let me take care of you. I bet something ice cold to drink would feel good. If I bring you a cold drink will you drink it?" She asked and ran her fingers lightly over one side of his face.

"Yes." He answered, the suggestion very appealing to his dry throat.

Kate left and returned with a glass full of ice with a sports drink poured over it. He sat up and drank almost all of it before taking a breath and then finishing it off. He handed her the glass and laid back down, allowing her to reposition the ice packs.

"Do you want some more?" She asked.

"No, I'm good." He said and began shivering.

She pulled the blankets up over his chest and tucked them under his chin, watching him close his eyes and relax again. She kissed him on the cheek and started to move off the bed.

"Kate." He said.

"Yes." She asked.

"Thank you." He said with genuine gratitude.

"You don't need to thank me Jack. I love you and will always take care of you whether you want or need me to." She told him.

"I love you too." He mumbled sleepily.

She spent the rest of the evening checking on him, the ice packs seeming to help him rest a little more comfortably. His fever ran high throughout the remainder of the night and well into the next day. She'd fed Sam his dinner and left him playing his new video game while she checked on Jack. She entered the bedroom and could tell immediately that his hair was soaking wet. She approached the bed and sat down. He stirred and opened his eyes taking a moment to clear his head and focus in on her.

"Hey." He said.

"Hey, it looks like your fever finally broke." She said grabbing the wet cloth that was sitting beside the bed and wiping the sweat from his face, neck and shoulders.

"Either that or I pissed all over myself because the bed is soaked." He offered, making her smile.

"I was getting a little scared Jack so I'm glad you're finally cooling off." She said and continued to move the cloth over his chest.

"I wasn't worried, but I'm sorry you were." He said.

"Yeah, you kept telling me 'it's just a virus Kate', but I suspect that doctors don't take their own illnesses seriously so I'd already made up my mind that you were going to the hospital tonight if something didn't give." She told him.

"You are all kinds of sexy when you're bossy and trying to mother me." He said with a grin.

She laughed lightly and wiped her tears away at the same time, failing at her attempt to hide how scared she'd been and how relieved she was at the moment. He saw the tears and sat up, taking the wet cloth from her and wiping the tears from her face.

"Kate, why didn't you tell me you this afraid, I would've explained why there was no reason to worry." Jack said.

"Because you would've laughed and called me neurotic." She said and pushed him back down onto the pillows.

He sat back up and pulled her in for a hug.

"I would never find what scares you so badly funny Kate and hopefully some day you will find a way to overcome this fear that something is going to happen to me. I'm not going to live forever, but I believe the odds that I'm NOT going kick off any time in the near future are in my favor." He told her.

"I'm trying Jack, but when Perry died it just felt like the whole cycle of doom was starting again and that we aren't going to be allowed to be happy. You think I'm crazy, but think about it. Perry died and now the person that abused Sam is back to disrupt his already fragile existence." Kate explained.

"I don't think you're crazy Kate, I just refuse to believe that were destined to end tragically." He said.

"I hope you're right Jack. Hey, I bet you're starving, want me to fix you something to eat?" She asked.

"No, I want you to stop waiting on me and go relax while I take a shower." Jack said.

"Jack, you're right. We need to get away from all this for a couple of days. Do you still feel comfortable leaving Sam with Rick and Christy after what happened?" Jack asked.

"I think the question is whether or not Sam will be comfortable with the arrangement. If he's okay with it, I'm fine with it. Parker is just a boy that said something stupid, I don't think I'll hold it against him." Jack said.

"The brochure says there's a formal party on New Year's Eve. You and me dressed up and enjoying an evening of dinner, champagne and dancing sounds so great. You're too good to me Jack and don't think I don't recognize that." She said.

"Hopefully you recognize that we're equally good to and for each other. I don't think I could ever just write you off because you're struggling with some personal traumas and issues Kate and you've already shown that no matter how big of an inconsiderate ass I am you aren't going to write me off either so how about we just be glad we have each other." He told her and kissed her softly.

"I guess it's a good thing we have each other, because who else would want us?" Kate offered making him laugh lightly.

"I can think of one six year old boy that seems to want us around." Jack said.

"You're right about that and he's really missed you while you've been sick so you go grab your shower and I'll go tell Sam his favorite playmate is feeling better." Kate said and moved off the bed.

He watched her walk out of the room, closing the door behind her and sat for a moment trying to remember his life before her and he couldn't. A sharp stabbing pain shot through his chest and snapped him out of his trance. He gasped and then sat still for a moment, waiting for another pain to hit, but there was nothing. He felt fine so he shrugged it off and moved off the sweat soaked bed, ready to enjoy the first shower he'd had in a couple of days.


	27. Chapter 27

Jack stood beside the exam table testing the reflexes of the little girl and frowning at the distinct weakness still evident in her left leg. He handed the instrument to his nurse, lifted the little girl off the table and set her down on the floor, her two small socked feet the only thing showing beneath the gown that was easily three sizes too large. He backed away from the child, squatted down and smiled at her.

"Walk to me Gia." He said softly.

The little girl wobbled toward him, dragging her leg and foot more than he'd anticipated she'd be dragging it at this stage. She fell forward into him. He picked her up and set her back on the exam table.

"Have you been doing your therapy Gia?" Jack asked and watched the child drop her head.

Jack put his fingers under her chin and gently tilted her head back up so he could look at her, the big brown eyes against her dark complexion making him smile just as they had the first time he met her.

"It's boring and it hurts. I hate it." Gia sighed.

"You're not going to get better if you don't do your therapy." Jack told her.

"Can I please go back to my tumbling class?" Gia begged.

"No, you're not strong enough." Jack said.

"Maybe she'd get stronger if she were doing something she likes." Gia's mother suggested.

"I know physical therapy isn't the most pleasant experience in the world, but the therapy she receives is targeted on the areas that are healing and how much she uses the affected area is closely monitored. If you turn her loose in a gym, she's going to get hurt and this time I might not be able to put her back together." Jack told her, his tone firm and serious.

"Well obviously the therapy isn't working, either that, or you didn't do your job as well as you seem to think you did." The mother accused.

Jack swallowed and took a deep breath, not wanting to let a parent who was probably speaking out of fear and frustration get under his skin. He was just about to respond when there was a light knock on the door.

"Excuse me." Jack said, smiling at the woman and walking to the door.

He opened the door, saw Dana's distressed face and stepped out into the hallway with her.

"What's wrong?" Jack asked.

"There's a woman in the lobby who is demanding to see you. She says she's the mother of your child." Dana said her tone apologetic.

"It's okay Dana, you can't keep them from gossiping about a man that probably deserves to be gossiped about. Can you show her to my office and tell her I'm with a patient and that I'll be there in a few minutes?" Jack asked.

"I don't understand Dr. Shephard, I thought Sam's mother was dead." Dana said.

"So did I, I'll explain later." Jack said and re-entered the exam room.

"I'm not never gonna get better am I?" The child sighed.

Jack looked at his eight year old patient and could tell the therapy she was receiving wasn't going to work because the child had already given up on it.

"I have a little boy Gia and he got a new bicycle for Christmas. All he wants to do is ride his bike so yesterday we had to make some rules about the other things he has to do if he wants to ride his bike and he knows that if he doesn't have those things done when I get home this evening, he won't be allowed to ride his bike." Jack explained.

"My daddy lets me do whatever I want, whenever I want. I feel sorry for your little boy." Gia groaned forcing Jack to bite back a smile.

"Yeah, I'd probably have a hard time saying no to that face too, but you can't always do whatever you want, whenever you want. Sometimes you have to work really hard to get what you want. You won't ever be able to enjoy gymnastics again if you don't go to therapy every day and work hard." Jack said firmly and winced as the big brown eyes in front of him filled with tears.

The little girl's mother became angry and began coddling and pampering the child. Jack understood now more than ever how difficult it had to be for a parent to push their child to do something they hated and caused them pain, but he also knew the child would not recover properly without the therapy.

"Was that necessary?" The mother snapped at him.

"I have done all I can do for Gia. Whether or not she returns to a healthy, able-bodied 8 year old is entirely up to her. I understand it's difficult, but you have to find some tough love and get her do the therapy if you want your daughter to be able to skip rope, play hopscotch and run around and play like a normal child again." Jack told her and although he was being extremely blunt his genuine concern for his young patient was soothing to the distraught mother.

"What's hopscotch?" Gia asked.

"I guess they don't have that one on the Wii yet." Jack laughed lightly.

"If you do your therapy, mommy will teach you how to play hopscotch. It's fun." The woman said.

"What do you say kiddo? When I see you again in two weeks will you be able to walk to me without dragging your foot?" Jack asked the little girl.

"Okay." The child sighed heavily.

Jack left the exam room, remembered what was waiting for him in his office and walked toward the reception area. All eyes were on him when he stopped and searched the immediate area for Dana.

"Did you need something Dr. Shephard?" Dana called as she approached from the hallway that led to their diagnostic testing facilities.

Jack waited until she was standing in front of him and they walked toward his office together.

"I need you to sit in on this with me." Jack said.

"Dr. Shephard, this is personal and not my business, I'd rather not." Dana resisted.

"Dana please, I don't know what her intentions are, but they can't be good and I need a witness to whatever gets said in here." Jack pleaded with her.

"Okay, but you know they're all going to be trying to pick my brain about what's going on." Dana said.

"So tell them. The truth is rarely as exciting as the gossip people come up with." Jack said and held the door to his office open for her.

Dana glanced over at Carrie, grabbed the files from the corner of Jack's desk and sat in the chair beside Carrie.

"Why is she here Jack? Are you screwing two at once these days?" Carrie asked.

"She's here because she is my personal assistant and in case you didn't notice there are people actually trying to work around here. What do you want Carrie?" Jack asked and let himself drop into his chair.

"I want to see my son." Carrie replied.

"He doesn't want to see you." Jack said coldly.

"You're lying." Carrie accused.

"No Carrie, I'm not lying. He's afraid of you, but who could blame a little boy for being afraid of a mother that would take hold of his arms and twist until the bones snapped." Jack spat angrily.

"I did not!" Carrie spat back.

"Stop it. I'm a doctor Carrie, I saw the x-rays. The only thing I can't figure out is how any doctor could look at those x-rays and not question the injuries. What the hell is the matter with you?" Jack asked angrily and sat forward, his hands clasped tightly together.

"You aren't going to keep my son from me by making up lies about me abusing him." Carrie argued.

"They aren't lies Carrie and you know it. You gave him away, faked your death and dropped him on my doorstep. He cried for you every day and he didn't understand, sure he'd been abandoned because he was bad. Why would you do that?" Jack asked.

"I needed a break Jack, he's…..well I'm sure you know by now you know how badly he behaves, how he just keeps on and on until you just can't control the urge to make him shut up any longer." Carrie said.

Jack just looked at her. Had she really changed or was he just really seeing her for the first time since she was no longer an object of sexual desire for him.

"He's a perfectly healthy, normal, rambunctious little boy and yes he can be a handful, but I can honestly say I've always been able to control the urge to make him shut up. How'd you make him do that Carrie? A quick cuff to the side of the head, maybe a screaming fit of rage that ended up with you beating on him and then telling him it was his fault for making you so angry?" Jack asked the anger in his eyes making her chew nervously on her bottom lip.

"Jack please, I just want to see my baby, our baby." Carrie pleaded attempting to strike an old nerve, but not succeeding.

"A baby you didn't even have the decency to tell me about, but I'll give you that one Carrie. I was too self-absorbed and anything but daddy material, but that's not true any longer. That little boy is everything to me and I won't let you hurt him anymore." Jack told her as he stood very suddenly and moved around, rubbing at the left side of his ribcage.

"Are you okay Dr. Shephard?" Dana asked.

"Yeah, it's nothing." Jack mumbled.

"Yes Jack that little boy is so important to you that he spends all of his time with a nanny. She's pretty and I bet just what the doctor ordered once she's fed, bathed and put Sam to bed." Carrie taunted.

"Kate isn't Sam's nanny, she's my fiancée." Jack said and sat back down.

"Jack Shephard getting married and becoming a family man. Stop it." Carrie laughed, the sound of it so crazed that Jack decided he'd finally had enough.

"Carrie, I've got patients to see. Stay away from my house, my office and my family." Jack demanded and stood.

Carrie stood and approached him, slapping him hard across the face.

"You go to hell Jack Shephard! That is my son and I will get a lawyer and get him back!" Carrie threatened.

"You do whatever you want, but keep in mind that I've got the medical evidence of what you did to Sam locked away safely and I'll use it Carrie. The choice is yours, either get the hell out of our lives and go back to Baltimore or I'll have you arrested for child abuse." Jack said, angry and fed up with her nonsense.

"You're going to be sorry Jack." Carrie told him her eyes so crazed and cold it made him take a step backward.

"I'm already sorry Carrie. I'm sorry for the way I treated you. Maybe if things had been different you wouldn't have resorted to trapping me to try to hang onto me and there wouldn't be an innocent six year caught in the middle of something so twisted. But, I won't let you hurt him anymore than you already have Carrie and I think you know that and I think that's why you did what you did. You really love that little boy and you sent him here so he'd be safe from you." Jack said and watched the crazy coldness slowly disappear from her eyes.

She obviously wasn't a very stable individual and he was convinced he would've noticed that while they were dating. She could be high strung and overly emotional, but this was different and he suspected it was a condition that had existed all along that just became more and more prominent as time went on, the stress of a pregnancy and trying to raise a baby alone could've been the trigger that turned it loose. Regardless, he wasn't interested in allowing Sam to be involved in her apparent mental illness any longer so he remained firm.

"So you think that a six year old is actually safer with you than with the mother that loves him?" Carrie asked.

"No, not at first, in fact I thought it was the worst idea ever, but according to that letter you sent with Sam you thought it was a good idea and you were right. With a lot of support from Kate, I've managed to make a home for Sam and he feels loved and safe and secure and I'm not going to let you destroy that." Jack said.

"Jack please, I won't hurt him." Carrie pleaded having gone from angry and demanding to weepy and pathetic.

"Carrie, go home and get some help." Jack dismissed her and watched the cold, crazed eyes return right along with the angry and demanding attitude.

"This isn't over Jack, not by a long shot!" Carrie snapped and stormed out of his office.

Dana looked at Jack and he quickly returned to doctor mode.

"Do you mind working through your lunch? I'd like to get out of here early, spend some time with Sam since Kate and I are leaving early tomorrow morning." Jack asked.

"You don't have anything pressing the rest of the day Dr. Shephard. You've got two surgical follow-ups coming in after lunch and that's it." Dana told him.

"Yeah, but look at that stack of patient files that need to be updated and test results inserted and read. I can't believe how behind I've let myself get." Jack sighed.

"I can update the patient files for you, insert the test results and make a stack of the ones you need to look at immediately. They'll be waiting for you when you return on Friday." Dana offered.

"I'm not much of a doctor these days am I?" Jack sighed, the fatigue he was experiencing evident in his speech and his physical appearance.

"You've had a lot on your plate, but you're still the best in your field. Can I offer you some advice as a friend?" Dana asked and smiled at him.

"Sure." Jack said.

"Get a restraining order because the woman is nuts and don't ignore those chest pains you're having." She said.

"I'm not having……." Jack started to argue.

"Yes you are and you look and sound like you're so exhausted you could fall asleep where you stand. You're thinking that it's nothing and you're probably right, but you've got people in your life who depend on you so if it keeps happening you owe it to them to make sure it's nothing. I'll buzz you when your next patient arrives" Dana said and left the room, leaving him a little stunned.

He sat quietly in the warm water, head tilted back and eyes closed. The jets pulsating against his body were relaxing and the soft body cradled next him was soothing. She was concerned about him. He hadn't been the same since he'd been sick with the fever and he had barely said two words during the drive to their two day getaway. She found his semi-erection under the water and gently stroked him with her hand. He stiffened momentarily, took hold of her hand and opened his eyes.

They were sitting in a hot tub on the balcony of their room. The temperature outside was cool and crisp and the temperature in the water was starting to heat up. He pulled her hand away and wrapped both arms around her from behind, pulling her into his lap. He placed a light kiss on her temple before relaxing back again, holding her close to him.

"Are you okay Jack?" She asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?" He asked.

"We haven't made love since Christmas night and we're in a sexy, romantic setting and you don't seem to be the least bit interested in sex. Are you mad at me about something?" She asked.

"No, I'm just.....I feel like I don't have the energy required to make love to you Kate. Lingering effects of that virus I had I guess. Trust me babe, I want you, all the time, right now as a matter of fact. I just don't feel like I could actually pull it off." He explained.

"Well how about we just relax in here awhile longer and then take a nice long nap. If anyone deserves a day to just sleep and do nothing it's you." She offered.

"What about what you deserve?" He asked.

"I'm thinking a day of lying in bed, cuddled up next to you sleeping and talking sounds just like what I want and deserve." She said.

"Do you think Sam is okay?" Jack asked.

"You just talked to him 20 minutes ago, you tell me." Kate said.

"You told Christy not to take her eyes off of him even for a second, right?" Jack asked.

"Jack, Rick and Christy are aware of the situation and your concern that Carrie might try to snatch him and promised he would never be outside of the house unattended." Kate said.

"Okay, no more talk about Sam, lay back and relax." Jack agreed.

They sat together in the water, their hands occasionally exploring and touching one another where both of them were aching to be touched, but neither intensifying the touching, both content to relax and be slightly aroused.

After a half hour and both close to nodding off, they decided to leave the warm, sensual playground and go back inside. He stepped out first, wrapped a towel around his waist and held a towel up for her to step out and into. They walked into the room and she watched him tiredly walk to the bed and sit down. She'd never seen Jack so lethargic in all the time she'd known him and was beginning to wonder if something more was going on with him. She watched him stand, pull the blankets back, drop his towel, lie down on the bed and pull the sheet up to his waist.

"Come here." He said with a tired, sexy grin.

She approached the bed and sat beside him, her towel still wrapped around her. He tugged on the towel just above her breasts with his fingers and sat up, dropping his face into the cleavage and kissing her softly, trying desperately to find the energy to make love to her. She finally pushed him back until his head was resting on the pillow. She stood and let the towel fall off of her before pulling the sheet away from him. He may have been too exhausted to perform, but his brain forgot to relay that message to his penis. She smiled at him and straddled him, bringing her face just inches from his and kissing him.

"I'm about to make you feel so good you're going to sleep for hours." She said in a soft, sweet, sexy tone as she placed soft kisses around his eyes, nose and cheeks.

"Scoot up here and let me make you feel good." He said softly.

"Oh you're going to make me feel good love and all I want you to do is lay back, enjoy and let me do all the work." She said and kissed him on the lips.

She felt him move his hands down her back to her butt and thighs, determined to participate. She sat up, took hold of his hands and pushed them back until they were resting on the pillows on either side of his head. She began slowly kissing her way down his chest and stomach, lingering along the treasure trail for a minute or more before taking him into her mouth, the long breathy groan emitting from him making her smile and glance up at him.

He was hard, but relaxed and she could either bring him off quickly with her mouth or give him a slow ride into ecstasy. She liked the idea of being completely in control and slowly, gently bringing him both pleasure and relief while his tired body laid back and just let it happen so she moved up, placed his tip at her entrance and slowly connected with him. She felt him draw his legs up and clamped around him, making him grunt lightly at the slight discomfort and allow his legs to relax again.

"Sorry babe, but I want you to just relax and let me do for you what you've done for me countless times." She told him, leaning forward and kissing him softly.

He laid back and watched her move over him, the slow movement so good and watching her reach orgasm so hot, so much so he wished it wouldn't end, that she'd just spend the rest of the day and night slowly fucking him and forget about naps and parties and dancing.

"Jack, you have to come or I'm going to feel like I just molested a sick, tired man who only wanted to sleep." She told him, rotating her hips over him slowly, the comment making him chuckle lightly.

"I don't want it to end. You look so hot and sexy, like you've never felt anything that felt that good." He told her and smiled an enchanted smile at her.

"But does it feel good to you?" She asked, grinding her hips into his with a little more purpose.

"Oh yeah……" He sighed.

"Are you close?" She asked.

"Yes, unfortunately." He said and placed his hands on her hips to slow her down.

"Jack." She panted in protest.

"Relax baby and just keep going like you were. I think I'm falling in love with you all over again." He told her.

She leaned forward and kissed him passionately while she slowly moved over him. She could feel his hands on her lower back starting to grip her a little harder and a smile of satisfaction begin to creep onto her face as he came. She sat up and continued to rotate slowly over him as he spilled into her, finding another orgasm and gripping onto the hair on his chest while she bucked into him and made a few noises that he was sure she never made before.

She collapsed onto him, welcoming the strong arms that immediately wrapped around her and held her close, his long fingers slowly gliding up and down her back, her body still trembling a little.

"Are you okay?" She mumbled.

"I'm great." He said.

She moved off of him and to the side, cuddling up next to him, her head on his chest and his arm wrapped around her.

"That was really good Kate, I mean really, really good, rates in the top 5 sexual experiences ever good." He complimented her.

"What were the 4 ahead of it?" She asked making him laugh.

"How do you it wasn't number 1?" He teased.

"Because it wasn't, so what was?" She asked.

"It's all good Kate, well for me anyway." He told her.

"You've never disappointed me Jack, but come on, surely there is one moment that stands out for you." Kate said sleepily.

"That's easy. It was the day we were fighting and you came over to help me with Sam and we ended up making love in the middle of his bedroom floor. You woke me up that day Kate, I'll never forget it. I haven't been the same since." He told her and

"You can't have that moment because that's mine. Pick another one." She told him and giggled as he sat up and rolled her onto her back.

He looked into eyes for a long time, holding her gaze and neither speaking, but just looking and knowing and trying to remember to breathe.

"Every moment with you stands out Kate." He finally spoke and kissed her passionately.

They resumed their cuddling positions, talked for a few more minutes and then slept. She awoke about 3 hours later and managed to sneak away from him without waking him. She dressed and called and checked on Sam and then eased downstairs for a cup of hot tea. She sat on the end of one of the sofas in the large open sitting room drinking her tea and watching the big, white fluffy mountain snowflakes fall.

Jack stirred, realized immediately that she wasn't in the bed with him and opened his eyes. He struggled to catch his breath and sat up immediately, startled and wincing at the sharp pain shooting through his chest that subsided as soon as he sat up. He sat for a moment, focusing on his breathing and relaxing and then brushed the event off as anxiety when the shortness of breath and the pain both disappeared. He called out for Kate. When she didn't answer he assumed she'd gone downstairs to enjoy the surroundings and decided to get dressed and go find her.

Jack walked slowly down the large, carpeted staircase, the four hour nap having refreshed him, his mind sharp and alert, but his body still feeling very sluggish. He spotted Kate sitting in the large open room talking and laughing with some man and he stopped. They seemed awfully chummy and when the man leaned in and hugged her and kissed her on the cheek he felt his face suddenly grow very hot. He'd never experienced what he was feeling at the moment, but he knew he didn't like it. He continued his descent down the stairs, keeping an eye on the man that was walking away. He approached Kate, startling her when he spoke.

"Hey." He said.

"Jesus Jack, make some noise when you enter a room." Kate gasped.

"I did. Maybe you were just too engrossed in your new friend." Jack commented with just the slightest hint of sarcastic anger.

"My new friend? What are………..oh, you mean Leo." Kate said.

"You and Leo seemed awfully friendly." Jack accused.

Kate had never seen Jack jealous and she decided that it was adorably cute.

"Leo is a friend from LA. He's here with a couple of his colleagues for a couple of days." Kate told him.

"What kind of friend?" Jack asked.

If he wasn't so endearingly out of his element and bordering on pitiful she probably would've found the pouty and unhappy look on his face amusing, but instead it just made her want to wrap her arms around him and assure him in no uncertain terms that he is the only man for her. She stood up and kissed him on the mouth.

"Not that kind of friend Jack, not in the past and not now. Are you feeling better?" Kate asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm kind of hungry. Want to grab some lunch?" He asked feeling ashamed.

"I could eat……..and Jack." She said.

"Yes." He replied.

"The idea that you could be that jealous over something so trivial makes me want to do very naughty things to you so don't beat yourself up over it." She told him and kissed him again.

They shared a quiet lunch and spent the rest of the day enjoying the peace and quiet of what really was more of a resort than a Bed & Breakfast. They dressed for the formal dinner and party and entered the decorated ball room. Leo approached them, took Kate's hand, kissed it and told her how stunning she looked. Jack felt the twinges again, the urge to put his fist into the face of a man he didn't even know becoming almost unbearable.

"Jack this is Leo. He's a member of that rock climbing gym I used to belong to." Kate said.

"You let her climb up the side of a cliff without the appropriate safety gear?" Jack asked, the sarcasm and anger coming through loud and clear this time.

"No man, in fact I discouraged it." Leo said.

Jack felt Kate squeeze or rather pinch his waist where she had her arm around him and held his hand out for the man to shake.

"Nice to meet you." Jack said and shook the man's hand.

Leo excused himself and Jack and Kate found their way to their table. Jack pulled the chair out for her to sit down in and then seated himself beside her, putting his arm over the back of her chair.

"You were very rude to him." Kate said.

"I know. I'm sorry. I'll apologize." Jack said.

They ate their dinner and talked, two normal activities that they rarely had a chance to enjoy without a child underfoot or him being distracted by a patient. He was exhausted and not sure he was going to make it until midnight much less be able to satisfy the desire that was slowly building between them as they both allowed their hands to roam under the table. He escorted her out onto the dance floor and they held one another while moving slowly to the music.

"Do you feel as bad as you look Jack?" She asked.

"I'm fine." He lied.

"Jack you aren't fine. You're not even what I'd classify as pale, you're gray." She told him.

"I'm just a little tired Kate." He told her.

"You're going to the doctor as soon as we get home tomorrow." Kate insisted.

"It's a holiday. If I'm not feeling less fatigued by Friday I'll get one of my colleagues to check me out. Okay?" He said.

Before she could respond Leo attempted to step in-between them.

"Do you mind if I cut in?" Leo asked.

"As a matter of fact, yes I do." Jack grumbled and watched the guy slink away.

"You know Jack this little jealousy thing was cute at first, but now it's just pissing me off." Kate said and left him alone on the dance floor.

Jack felt bad, but he was growing weaker by the minute and didn't have the energy to deal with any of it. He left the party and slowly made his way back up to their room, collapsing onto the bed before he had a chance to remove much more than his tie.

Kate, who had gone to apologize to Leo and hadn't noticed Jack had left ended her lengthy conversation with the old friend and began to look around the party for Jack. She finally came to the conclusion that he'd gone off to pout and decided she was going to enjoy the party without him, not that she did, but she made sure she stayed long enough to make him think she did.

A couple of drinks and a couple of hours later Kate stood outside the door to their room knocking. She didn't have a key and she couldn't get him to answer the door. She couldn't imagine Jack would be able to sleep through her pounding on the door and wondered if he'd gone elsewhere to pout. She retrieved another key and unlocked the door. It would only open a few inches and when she realized that was because Jack was lying in front of the door she began screaming for help.

After that it felt like everything happened in slow motion. The two men using all of their weight to push the door along with Jack in order to gain entrance felt like a dream sequence. The men rolling him over and checking for a pulse more of the same bad dream, the screams for an ambulance finally snapping her out of the trance she was in and she immediately dropped to her knees by his side, crying and shaking him.

"Jack please wake up! Don't do this Jack! You promised me a happy ending goddammit!" She cried hysterically.

His eyes fluttered slightly and he squeezed her hand. She squeezed his hand, laid her head on his chest and attempted to calm herself down.

"I love you so much, please don't leave me Jack, please." She pleaded with him.

Jack knew what was happening to him and that his condition was extremely critical, but all he could think about was how scared she had to be and how he couldn't do anything to comfort her, her sobbing the last sound he heard before he passed out again.


	28. Chapter 28

The paramedics arrived and peeled Kate off of him.

"What's his name?" The paramedic asked.

"Jack." Kate told them.

"Jack, wake up and tell me what's happening to you." The paramedic yelled loudly.

Jack's eyes opened and he grabbed the paramedic's shirt, speaking softly, but desperately. The paramedic leaned in and then pulled back.

"Is he a doctor?" The paramedic asked.

"Yes, why?" Kate asked.

The paramedic took Jack's blood pressure and then moved his stethoscope over the left side of his chest.

" Brandon , call for the chopper, tell them we've got a possible Cardiac tamponade and that we'll meet them at the bottom of the mountain." The paramedic said.

"What is that?" Kate asked.

"Jack, I think you're right. You've got a lot of fluid in your lungs and your heart sounds are muffled." The paramedic told him and attempted to place oxygen tubes under his nose.

Jack pushed the oxygen away and grabbed the paramedics arm, his eyes desperate.

"I won't make it. You've got to do the pericardiocentesis now." Jack pleaded, the words choppy as he worked hard to breathe.

"I'm not trained to do that procedure Jack, I'd probably end up killing you. I'm going to give you some oxygen and start an IV. That'll take some of the load off your heart and get your blood pressure up some. Then we're going to fly you to LA Medical Center." The paramedic told him and placed the oxygen tubes under his nose.

Jack nodded and closed his eyes again.

"What's happening to him?" Kate asked.

"If he's right and I think he is, the sac around his heart is inflamed and full of fluid. It's keeping his heart from beating properly. He needs an emergency surgical procedure to drain the fluid before it stops his heart completely." The paramedic explained.

"What if you don't get him there in time?" Kate asked

"We will." The paramedic assured her as he and his partner picked Jack up and put him onto the gurney.

"I'm coming with you." Kate insisted.

"You can't. You need to get someone to drive you to LA Medical Center." The paramedic said.

She watched them wheel Jack out of the resort and into the waiting ambulance. She turned around and ran into her friend Leo.

"I can't talk to you right now." She said and reentered the resort.

She ran back to their room, with Leo on her heels. She grabbed her purse and rummaged through it until she found the card she was looking for. She grabbed her cell phone and dialed the number. She heard the voice on the other end of the phone, froze for a moment and finally spoke.

"Mr. Shephard this is Kate." She said.

"Kate?" The voice questioned.

"Your son's girlfriend." Kate reminded him.

"Oh yes, the woman that's been trying to destroy him, what can I do for you Kate?" Christian asked.

"We, Jack and I, we're staying at a resort in the mountains. He's really sick. They just took him away in an ambulance." She said and began crying again.

"Kate, calm down and talk to me. What happened?" Christian asked.

"He's been sick for days, weak and tired and grabbing at his chest. He finally collapsed tonight. The paramedics said they think the sac around his heart is inflamed and full of fluid. They said his lungs have fluid in them. They're flying him in a helicopter to LA Medical Center. Can you please get there and make sure he's okay and call me. I'm leaving right now, but it's a long drive." Kate said.

"You don't sound like you're in any condition to drive. Just stay put and I'll call you as soon as I know something." Christian said.

"No, I have to be there for him. Just promise me you won't let him die. He can't die, he just can't." Kate pleaded with him, so frightened and desperate that it was getting to him.

"I won't let him die Kate." Christian said and the phone went dead

Christian Shephard had been retired from medicine for a little over a year, but his name and reputation continued to open doors for him so when he entered the emergency room at the LA Medical Center, tossing his name around and demanding to know how much longer before the chopper arrived he was taken immediately to the resident in charge of the ER at that late hour.

"The ETA on the chopper is 2 minutes. The patient is a doctor who is extremely critical and believes he is suffering a Cardiac tamponade. What is your concern with this Dr. Shephard, didn't you retire?" The cocky resident asked as they made their way up to the roof.

"The man in that chopper is my son." Christian told him.

The cocky ER resident gave the older doctor a knowing look and they worked together when the chopper landed to get him on a gurney and down to the ER to work on him. Christian tried unsuccessfully to rouse Jack, who at this point was unconscious and barely breathing. They wheeled him into the ER and Christian began cutting his shirt away from the area where the procedure needed to performed.

"What are you doing doctor Shephard? We can't just take his word for it. We need to get a chest x-ray and an echocardiogram to confirm the diagnosis." The ER doctor objected.

"He's the best surgeon in this city. I'll take his word for it." Christian said.

"No, I'm not sticking a needle in a patient's chest without confirming that's what I need to do." The ER doctor continued to argue.

"Doctor his BP is dropping and he has no radial pulse." The nurse warned him.

"Do the procedure now!" Christian demanded.

"Get me an x-ray of this man's chest." The ER doctor ordered just as the machines began beeping.

"He's in full arrest doctor." The nurse yelled.

The ER doctor grabbed for the defibrillator, shocking his heart back into a very slow and unsteady rhythm after three attempts. Christian helped himself to the supplies, found a very large syringe and before anyone had a chance to object, stuck the needle into Jack's chest and began draining the fluid, his heart rate and blood pressure steadily rising and stabilizing as the syringe filled with a bloody, puss filled liquid.

"You shouldn't have done that Dr. Shephard." The ER doctor said.

"You know what? I've had enough you and this hospital. He's stable enough to travel and I want him taken by ambulance to St. Sebastian's where they can finish treating him, hospitalize him and thankfully not be so afraid to make a rash judgment they're willing to watch a patient die." Christian ordered, both frightened and enraged by what had just taken place.

"That's not necessary, we have everything we need to treat him here." The ER doctor argued.

"You don't have the skills to treat him here. You stood there and nearly let him die because you didn't have the balls to do what you knew was the right thing to do. That is my son and I will make sure he gets the best treatment available and that clearly isn't you so get me that ambulance right now and I might let you keep your job." Christian told him, his eyes so icy and serious that the young resident stopped arguing and did what he wanted.

Christian climbed into the back of the ambulance, keeping an eye on Jack's vitals and allowing his hands to shake now that the emergency was over. He'd nearly lost the only thing in the world that mattered to him without ever having had the chance to convey those feelings to him. Jack began to stir and forced his eyes open, confused and wondering if he was dead when he found himself staring up at his father.

"What's?" Jack whispered.

"You're okay……for now. I'm making them transport you to your hospital where I know you'll get the appropriate treatment and care." Christian said.

"How did you…?" Jack asked, confused and still very weak.

"Kate called me." Christian said.

"You have to call her, she's terrified." Jack pleaded, the events that had unfolded starting to come back to him.

"I will, just as soon as we get you settled in." Christian said.

"No, now. Call her now." Jack demanded and tried to sit up.

Christian pushed him back down and pulled his cell phone out. He found the call from Kate and hit the redial, her frantic voice answering before it had a chance to ring a second time.

"Kate, someone wants to talk to you." Christian said and put the phone to Jack's ear.

"I'm so sorry Kate." Jack spoke softly into the phone.

"Jack, are you okay?" Kate asked.

"I will be. Baby, please don't try to drive yourself here. You're too upset." Jack said his voice so soft and fading she could barely hear him.

Christian pulled the phone away and spoke to her.

"He's going to be okay Kate. Take your time and come to St. Sebastian's." Christian said.

"Are you sure? You're not just saying that so I won't kill myself trying to get there?" Kate asked.

He could tell she'd gone beyond hysterics and was close to breaking down or shock or both.

"I promise Kate. He is going to be just fine and Kate….I….." Christian searched for the right words.

"What, what is it?" Kate asked afraid he was keeping something from her.

"It's nothing, I just wanted to say thank you for calling me." Christian said, completely humbled by the situation and genuinely grateful.

He began to stir, his mind fuzzy, the definite after affects of some very powerful narcotics. He could feel the warm body lying next to his and struggled to wake up and remember where he was and who he was with. He finally forced his eyes open and was met quickly once again with his father's face. He looked around and then down at himself. He was in a hospital, his hospital and Kate was sleeping in the bed beside him. He closed his eyes again, his brain not ready to wake up.

Christain sat and watched Jack fade in and out for the next two hours before finally waking up aware and ready to become a difficult patient, his first and immediate thought to sit up and start inspecting what was being done to him. Christian forced him back down, using Kate as the bait to keep him quiet.

"Why is she here? Is she okay?" Jack asked.

"Your pericardia sac filled again and reached a critical stage about 30 minutes after she got here. She was in the room when you started crashing again. She was already close to losing it and that put her over the edge. They took care of you and inserted a tube this time to allow it to drain until the virus and/or infection that's caused this is out of your system. They finally sedated her and let her stay with you because it seemed to be in the best interest of both of you. How are you feeling son?" Christian asked.

"Like I've been asleep for a week." Jack mumbled and glanced down at Kate.

"You've been in and out for about a day. She's been out for about the last five hours." Christian told him.

"Sam." Jack asked.

"He's fine. Nice kid. Looks a bit like his grandfather. He's with your neighbors. They said to tell you not to worry, that they'd keep a close watch on him." Christian said.

"You met him?" Jack asked.

"Don't worry Jack, I didn't tell him I was his grandpa. He needed to see you, see that you weren't dead." Christian told him.

"I can't stay here." Jack protested.

"How long Jack?" Christian asked.

"How long what?" Jack asked.

"How long did you ignore the symptoms before you finally accepted what was happening to you?" Christian asked.

"I wasn't sure until I lost the ability to breathe properly for good. I tried to go get help." Jack attempted to defend what was probably indefensible.

"You're lying. You're stubborn to the point of stupidity and it almost cost you your life." Christian said his tone angry and lecturing.

"You're going to lecture me on stubbornness and stupidity?" Jack scoffed.

"No, but I can't understand why you'd be so careless. You didn't see how traumatized she was or how frightened your son was. If you love these two people as much as you claim you do and are hell bent on not being me, why would you be so selfish Jack?" Christian asked.

"Why are you here dad and where do you get off having an opinion about anything that I do? Don't you have some place you need to be, some place other than here?" Jack shot back hatefully.

Christian didn't respond. He deserved all of the rage and hatred his son felt toward him and was just grateful he was still around to let him know how much he hates him. He patted him on the arm and walked out of the room, leaving Jack stewing and feeling guilty for having upset Kate so badly she had to be sedated. He was ready to allow himself to dose off again when Dana entered the room. He smiled a sheepish smile when she took hold of hand.

"I think this is where you're supposed to say I told you so." Jack said softly.

Dana squeezed his hand gently and sat in the chair beside the bed.

"We're all just glad you're going to be okay Dr. Shephard." Dana said.

"It was really stupid. I owe everyone a big apology for allowing my condition to become life-threatening." Jack admitted.

"Yes you do. Thank goodness your father was there or we'd be planning a funeral today." Dana said.

"My father?" Jack asked.

"Nobody told you? He saved your life Dr. Shephard." Dana said.

"What do you mean?" Jack asked suddenly feeling very guilty for angrily dismissing his father earlier.

"You crashed. They had to defibrillate. The ER doctor wasn't willing to do the pericardiocentesis without running tests to confirm the diagnosis so your father grabbed a syringe and did it himself. He's probably going to be in trouble if the ER doctor or the hospital decide to make a stink." Dana explained.

"What kind of trauma physician does that? Do you know how many times I've performed that procedure based on nothing more than my gut instincts?" Jack replied a little shaken that he'd really come that close to dying.

"I see they finally gave her something." Dana said and nodded toward Kate.

"Yeah, I guess I scared her pretty bad." Jack said.

"That would be an understatement. She was devastated. I sat with her while they were running tests on you to see what caused your condition and when you crashed again, well, I'm just glad somebody finally gave her something to help her relax. Poor thing was a sad as anything I've ever seen. She really loves you Dr. Shephard." Dana said and smiled at him.

"Do me a favor Dana?" Jack asked.

"Sure." Dana said.

"Drop the Dr. Shephard thing when we aren't working. We're friends right?" Jack asked.

"Of course, it just feels odd calling you Jack." Dana said.

"Trust me, it's even weirder laying in a hospital bed being called Dr. Shephard." Jack grumbled suddenly feeling grouchy and anxious.

"Try to relax Doc…….Jack." Dana offered picking up on the instant mood change.

"I appreciate you coming to see me Dana, but I'd really like to be alone for a little while." Jack said.

"No problem. If there is anything you need call me." Dana offered.

"Thanks and there is one thing." Jack said.

"What's that?" Dana asked.

"If you happen to see my father could you tell him I'd like to see him?" Jack asked.

"Of course. Get some rest Jack." Dana said and left the room.

Jack lay in the bed feeling ashamed and guilty and everything he should be feeling. What he'd just put Kate and Sam through was inexcusable and judging by how heavily she was sleeping it took a lot to calm her down. He knew she had to be thinking that the bad things were happening again, that he was going to die just like she feared he would and he couldn't understand why he was too stubborn to consider how allowing himself to become critically ill would affect her. He looked down at her, snuggled up next to him, his right arm around her and her hand resting firmly on his stomach, her head resting just below his shoulder, but off to the side, further away from his chest then she preferred to be when she slept, the EKG patches and wires coming off his chest completely undisturbed. He kissed the top of her head and hugged her lightly with the arm that was wrapped around her.

"I'm so sorry baby." He said softly.

Jack heard the door open and looked up. His father entered the room and sat in the chair.

"I hear I owe you my life…..literally." Jack said.

"You would've done the same for me." Christian shrugged.

"Yeah, I would've." Jack said.

"Listen Jack, you don't need to do this. Whatever hate you feel toward me, I deserve it." Christian said.

"I don't hate you dad." Jack said.

"You should" Christian offered with a slight smirk.

"I need to get out of here, today." Jack said.

"That's not going to happen." Christian said.

"Look, the crisis is over, lying in a hospital bed isn't going to do anyone any good." Jack argued.

"Jack, you're receiving antibiotics through your IV, you've got fluid in your lungs and a drainage tube in your chest. You're not going anywhere. Sleep well Jack." Christian said and clicked twice on the PCA that was attached to Jack's IV.

"What is that?" Jack asked.

"It's morphine. Eases the breathing, improves the blood flow and most importantly in your case, reduces the patient's anxiety." Christian told him.

"Dad please, I can't be stuck in here. Sam, he's…." Jack struggled, fighting the effects of the drug.

"Sam's fine and he's safe." Christian said, unsure if Jack heard him before he lost the battle to stay awake.

She could feel a light patting on her arm and the small voice calling her name over and over, her mind so groggy she wasn't sure if it was real or a dream, the desperation in the small voice finally bringing her around enough to want to make the distinction. She opened her eyes and could see that it was nighttime. His scent was the next the thing she noticed and she realized she was laying next him, breathing him in and that he was warm and alive. She sat up and looked down at him and then looked around the room. There was no one in the room except for them. She'd been dreaming, but why. Was the small voice calling out to her in her dreams Sam?

She moved off the bed, confused and stiff and searching the room for her purse. She found it in the drawer of the table beside Jack's bed and pulled her cell phone out, calling Rick and Christy immediately.

"Christy is Sam okay?" Kate asked.

"He's gone Kate." Christy said.

"What, what do you mean gone?" Kate asked.

"He just disappeared Kate." Christy said.

"What?! Are you crazy?" Kate screamed.

"Kate?" Jack called out to her.

He was sitting up and shaking her gently. Her eyes popped open, shaken and confused. She looked up at him looking down at her and then at her hand. She was clutching the phone that was attached to the hospital bed tightly and she was trembling. The sun was streaming through the window and she could see his face and his eyes looking back at her and for the moment she forgot about what must've been a crazy dream, sat up and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"You're okay. Oh god, you're okay." She sobbed.

He put his arms around her and held her as close as he could without disturbing the various wires and tubes attached to his chest and arms.

"I'm so sorry for what I put you through Kate. Everything is going to be okay." He spoke softly to her.

She pulled back, held his face in her hands and kissed him.

"Why is all of this happening Jack? I'm some kind of jinx or something." Kate said.

"It happened because I'm an ass who was too stubborn to admit how sick I was. This is all my fault Kate, it had nothing to do with you. If you hadn't found me when you did, I'd be dead. If you hadn't called my father, I'd be dead. The way I see it, I'm in this hospital bed because of my own stubbornness, but I'm alive right now because of you." He told her.

"Are you really going to be okay?" Kate asked.

"If I behave, I'll be fine and seeing you like this is all the incentive I need to behave. Are you okay, you were having a pretty awful nightmare from what I could tell." Jack asked, his eyes soft and concerned.

"Yeah, it was nothing, I guess I have Sam on my mind even though I really have no memory of who is taking care of him or how I ended up in this bed." Kate told him.

He eased back, relaxing back into the bed and pulling her along with him, letting her get comfortable and then wrapping his arm around her.

"You ended up in this bed because I traumatized you to the point of hysterics. The old man really came through this time Kate. He saved my life, made them bring me here and then had them sedate you and put you to bed with me. You have been asleep for nearly an entire day." Jack told her.

"No wonder I have to pee so bad." She mumbled making him laugh lightly.

"Maybe you should go take care of that." Jack offered.

She moved out off the bed and took a moment to gather her bearings. The drugs they had given her had left her feeling wobbly and a bit nauseated. He watched her carefully, wondering if he was going to have call for some help, but then breathed a sigh of relief when she seemed to regain her strength and the ability to walk without falling down. She splashed cold water over her face in an attempt to shake the cob webs out of her head. It seemed to help some and she walked out of the bathroom and back over to Jack's bed.

"I should probably go home and check on Sam." Kate said.

"He's fine Kate. I talked to him about 45 minutes ago. Come sit with me at least until you're more awake." Jack said.

She walked back over to the bed and crawled in beside him again, too tired to argue with him and she really had no desire to leave his side. They lay together talking quietly, both deciding that they could eat and just when she was about to find the strength to go down to the cafeteria the door to Jack's room opened and a heavenly aroma permeated the room.

Dana entered the room with two sacks of food and a couple of sodas. She set the food on the tray beside his bed and smiled at them.

"Well, you two are certainly more alert than you were about 4 hours ago." Dana said.

"Yeah, I think my father tried to put me into a coma with that dose of morphine." Jack grumbled.

"You might as well not fight it Jack because it's one big hospital conspiracy to make sure you rest and if you won't do it on your own, orders are to drug you." Dana told him.

"I think I love your co-workers Jack." Kate giggled, making him smile, not because he was all that amused by the conspiracy, but because she had actually smiled and laughed a little.

"I'd rest better at home in my own bed." Jack sighed.

"Well, if that drainage bag continues to stay empty, that could be as soon as tomorrow." Dana told him.

"Are you my private nurse Dana?" Jack asked his mood suddenly changing.

"Somebody is awfully cranky." Dana replied.

"Don't talk to me like I'm a child." Jack growled.

"Stop acting like one and I won't. You just can't stand not being in control of every single detail of your life, I get it. You're obsessive nature is one of the things that makes you such a brilliant doctor and one of the reasons I enjoy working for you, but trust me Dr. Shephard, I'd rather spend my days doing pelvic exams in a dollar an hour whore house than be your nurse." Dana told him, making him lighten up and offer up a half smile.

"I'm sorry. What did you bring us?" Jack asked.

"Your doctor said you could eat anything you wanted so I stopped across the street at that Italian place you like. I thought some soft, warm pasta might be easier to digest than a greasy burger. Oh and Kate I brought you some clean clothes in case you wanted to clean up. I figured you'd want to stay here with him and we're about the same size." Dana said.

"Dana, why are you doing this? You aren't getting ready to quit on me are you?" Jack asked.

"I'm doing this because we are friends and because I care about you. You'd do the same for me." Dana said.

"I hope I would, but really, this isn't necessary." Jack argued.

"Jack would you just accept the kindness and be grateful for it." Kate huffed.

"I do and I am, I just, it's strange that's all. I've never been Mr. Popularity so I'm not sure how to handle all this kindness being thrown my way. First my father actually acts like a father for the first time in my life and now the co-workers that rightfully labeled me the world's biggest ass are being all sweet and gooey. It's a bit overwhelming." Jack admitted.

"Your co-workers have always liked and cared about you Jack, you just never let in anyone in long enough to show you that." Jack's colleague Alice Magnus chimed in from the doorway.

"Hey." Jack said and struggled to cover himself with the sheet, beginning to feel completely vulnerable and exposed.

"I know this has to be difficult for you Jack." Alice said and handed Kate a blanket to cover him with.

"Difficult? It's just shy of humiliating." Jack sighed and let his head drop back onto the pillow.

"I can understand that, which is why most of us have stayed away and just let your family be with you. You scared everyone pretty bad Jack and we had a meeting about that today." Alice told him.

"A meeting? What? Are you voting me off the island?" Jack asked with an edge of sarcasm.

"In a way, yes we are, but not for good, just until you manage to stabilize yourself. You've earned the right to have as much time as you need to do that." Alice explained.

"You guys are seriously firing me?" Jack asked.

"Oh come on Jack, we're colleagues, we don't have the authority to do something like that to each other. We're lending a helping hand Jack, that's all." Alice assured him.

"What makes you think I need a helping hand?" Jack asked hatefully, not liking that people were sitting around deciding his future.

"Just get well Jack, both physically and in your personal life. We've missed you at work, the hospital has missed you, your patients have missed you. Take some time to get organized and refocused and when you're ready, come back to work. Dana reassigned all of your cases today so you have nothing to worry about but you, your health and your family for now." Alice told him.

"Just get out of here, both of you." Jack ordered.

"Jack." Kate protested.

"Go! Both of you! Now!" Jack yelled, his excitement and anxiety setting all the monitors off.

Kate moved off of the bed and allowed the nurses to give him oxygen and another dose of morphine, which he protested with as much foul language as she'd ever heard him use. She stood at the back of the room and cried as she watched them force this fiercely independent man to relinquish all control as he protested and fought against the morphine with everything he had. Once he was asleep she followed Dana and Alice out into the hallway and let both of them have it.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" Kate snapped.

"We're just trying to help Kate." Alice said.

"Help? You really think taking away his passion in life is helping him?" Kate asked.

"Kate, he's so distracted and the type of work he does doesn't allow for that. Trust me, if he were to injure or kill a patient because he was distracted he'd be much more devastated than he is right now. Even his father agrees that it's time he takes a break." Alice told her.

"Why would you allow that man to have an opinion about anything where Jack is concerned?" Kate asked angrily.

"Because regardless of how volatile their relationship is, the man can read Jack better than any of us. His father has been in his corner through all of Jack's struggles lately, all but warning us not to do anything drastic, but this made him change his mind and it's not permanent Kate. We all admire Jack very much and we know that our practice wouldn't be as successful as it is without him and his reputation and that reputation is what we're trying to save here Kate. He's worked too hard for too many years to just allow him to lose it all because he's dealing with some difficult health and personal issues." Alice explained.

"You couldn't wait until he was feeling better to drop that bomb on him?" Kate asked.

"There was no good time to tell him something like that Kate and now that he knows he's got nothing to get back to, maybe he'll figure out a way to relax, to allow his body to heal and reenergize and hopefully things will settle down at home for him as well." Alice said.

"You really think he's going to relax just because you force him to?" Kate asked.

"Listen, I understand you're upset with us. You love him and it hurts you to see him that desperate. It hurt me to see him that desperate, but Kate it had to be done. He has something more in his life now than just medicine and he's still trying to figure out how to juggle a life where he's got two equally strong passions. That would be difficult enough without all the added drama of a presumed dead ex-girlfriend showing up and a life-threatening illness. We understand Kate and we are trying to help him, not hurt him." Alice pleaded her case.

"Fine, but no more drugs unless he asks for them. I'll keep him calm." Kate said and walked away before either woman could respond.

Kate used the shower in Jack's room and the clean clothes Dana brought for her. She called Christy to check on Sam and she and child talked for about 30 minutes before he was ready to say goodbye. She lay on the bed with Jack and fell asleep again, waking a couple of hours later hungry and thirsty. Jack was still in his drug induced sleep, but was beginning to stir. He never had a chance to enjoy the food that Dana had brought for him. She kissed him on the cheek and walked down to the lobby and across the street to the deli. When she returned with sandwiches, soup and ice cold drinks he was awake and staring at the ceiling. He glanced over at her and then back at the ceiling.

"I thought you'd gone home." He said.

"Did you really think I'd leave without saying goodbye?" She asked, noticing how quiet and almost depressed he seemed.

"I wasn't sure how long I'd been out." He said.

"Not too long, a little over 3 hours. I brought you a sandwich and some soup and an ice cold drink. Hungry?" She asked.

"No, the morphine is making me sick, but the cold drink sounds pretty good." He said.

She put a straw in the large cup and handed it to him. His hands were shaking slightly as he held on to it and took a few long drinks becoming sick to his stomach almost instantly. Kate took the wash basin from him, dumped the contents in the toilet and rinsed it out. She put back within his reach in case he got sick again. She handed him the drink again and he drank some more, handing it back to her and letting his head relax back onto the pillow. She left the bed again, found a washcloth and wet it. She returned to the bed and wiped his forehead, face, neck and chest with the wet cloth.

"I feel like shit." He grumbled.

She wet the cloth again and repeated the procedure.

"Do you think they might let me give you a sponge bath?" She asked.

"No, thanks, but I'm okay, I just need them to stop drugging me." He said and smiled a weak smile at her.

"They won't be drugging you anymore. I told the nurses no more visitors for you and I'm going to stay right here beside you and keep you calm and relaxed." She told him and kissed him softly on the lips.

"How'd I make such a mess of things Kate?" He asked.

"You didn't make a mess of anything Jack. It's just all been too much and I haven't exactly been supportive lately what with my neurotic behavior and the whole leaving you and Sam for 2 months. Things are going to be different Jack. We're going to tackle all this stuff together. We're a family." Kate said.

"Are we?" Jack asked.

"Yes we are. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you and help you raise Sam." Kate said.

"But will you marry me Kate?" He asked softly.

"Yes, tomorrow if you want." She answered in a strong, confident tone.

"Are you just saying that because I almost died, and I'm unemployed and pathetic?" He asked his face perking up some and his tone more of a teasing one than a serious one.

"Of course, it's always been my goal in life to marry an unemployed, pathetic man that almost died, as long as the sex is good of course." She told him, making him chuckle lightly.

She managed to get him to take a few bites of soup before they turned the light out, snuggled up together and watched television, both resting and relaxing and neither aware that a woman was sitting outside of the miniature golf course where Sam was playing, watching and waiting, hoping that split second when none was watching would present itself.


	29. Chapter 29

She entered the house shouting, a quick "I'm home!" before dropping her things on the dining room table as she walked into the kitchen. It was spotless and she assumed they'd be ordering dinner out again. She grabbed a spoon, opened the refrigerator and pulled out a pudding cup. She felt his hands on her before she had a chance to close the refrigerator and nearly screamed, he'd scared her so badly, making her drop the spoon and the pudding cup.

"Jack! Don't do that!" She squealed as she turned around and slapped playfully at his chest.

"Sorry, I thought you heard me." He said and pulled her close so he could kiss her.

"You're not getting laid so you might as well stop with the pawing." She told him and moved his hands off of her breasts.

"Kate, I'm fine. I've been out of the hospital for two weeks, but if I don't get some lovin pretty soon I may have to be readmitted." He teased and kissed her again, refusing to let go of her.

"Hospitalized for what?" She giggled.

"The worst case of blue balls ever recorded of course." He said and began moving his mouth over her neck.

"Poor baby. I can take care of that for you if you want, but only if you agree to stay still and not get worked up." She said.

"Gee, as exciting as that sounds Kate, I think I'm going to have to say no and resort to begging." He said.

"Jack, please. Where is Sam?" Kate asked through her giggles.

"He went to the park with Christy." Jack said.

"And why didn't you go to the park to play too?" Kate asked.

"Because I wanted to stay home and play with you." He told her and began unbuttoning her blouse.

She took hold of his hands and held onto them, holding them in front of her while closing the refrigerator door with her foot.

"You're impossible, now stop." She insisted.

"How am I supposed to stop? Do you have any idea how sexy you are in your professional attire? That form fitting shirt snugly covering those perfect breasts and that skirt that clings so perfectly to those silky thighs. Kate, I'm dying here." He told her and began unbuttoning her blouse again.

"Jack." She protested.

"Kate, I'm fine, I swear." He continued to plead his case.

"Yeah, that sounds familiar. Seems like the last time you were fine they carted you off in an ambulance and I had to get my pal Leo to drive me back to the city." Kate said making him chuckle.

"What's funny?" She asked.

"Shrewd Kate, very shrewd, but it's not going to work." Jack said.

"What's not going to work?" She asked innocently and bit her bottom lip as she fought against the grin that was trying to surface.

"Yeah, see that. You thought by bringing up your old pal Leo you could put a damper on my mood, but it's not going to work. I'm grateful he was there to drive you and besides, it's not like he was going to put the moves on you while I was dying. Right?" Jack asked and winked at her.

"If you weren't so irresistibly cute, I'd have to get mad at you for joking about almost dying on me." She told him and placed her hands on his hips.

He stopped unbuttoning her blouse, placed his hands on her lower back and pulled her into him.

"I'm sorry, no more jokes about dying and if you're really not in the mood to be pawed at I'll leave you alone." He said and kissed her softly.

"I'm never not in the mood for you Jack, I'm just…….are you sure you're heart and lungs are okay again?" She said.

"I promise." He said and smiled at her.

His eyes were sincere and his face the sweetest, kindest, most irresistible face she'd ever encountered in her life. She couldn't argue any longer because she wanted him just as bad or worse. She moved her hands up and around his neck and kissed him passionately. She finally broke the kiss, looked into his eyes and smiled.

"So how long will Sam be gone?" She said.

"Hours. He's going to one of Christy's boy's basketball games and then to dinner with them." Jack said as he scooped her up, cradling her in his arms and walking toward the bedroom with her.

"Oh god! Jack, Jack, Jack!" She screamed loudly as her body shook and convulsed against him, riding out the orgasm and then quickly changing positions with him, his body now pinned to the bed beneath her.

Her face was flushed, her breasts, stomach and thighs glistening with a thin layer of sweat and her hair, still pulled back and up had allowed strands here and there to escape and fall forward, hanging lazily on her face. He reached up and pushed a few of the stray stands back, his body equally flushed and sweaty and his throbbing cock buried deep inside of her.

"You okay?" He asked in a breathy tone.

"Shit!" She huffed loudly making him chuckle.

"Is that a yes?" He asked.

"Jesus Jack, I may have to make you wait for weeks on end to have sex more often." She complimented, leaning forward and locking their mouths together in a wet, sloppy kiss.

She pulled out of the kiss, sat up and began to move slowly, settling both of them down, his need to release so desperate that there was no way he'd be able to last long enough to make her come again so he relinquished all control, closed his eyes and enjoyed the ride, the slow, sensual ride that she was so good at, so good it numbed his mind and made his body tingle and quiver from head to toe. She reached behind her and massaged his balls gently and then stilled her movements so she could watch his moment of sweet release, his body jerking slightly beneath her as his hot cum filled her.

They lay in each other's arms, their hot bodies cooling under the ceiling fan. His fingers moved slowly up and down her back, both too exhausted at the moment to speak. She could feel herself becoming very sleepy and lifted her head to look at him. His eyes were closed, but his fingers were still gently caressing her back so she knew he wasn't asleep. She kissed his chest and then kissed her way up until she found his mouth, kissing him passionately for a long time and then both finally pulling apart, breathless and glassy-eyed.

"I love you. I love us. Do you think other people experience what we just experienced?" Kate asked.

"No." He said confidently.

"What did you do today?" She asked.

"The usual. Fed Sam breakfast and took him to school, laid on the couch channel flipping, attempted to read a book but couldn't get into it, picked Sam up from school, fed him a snack, cleaned up the kitchen, helped Sam study his spelling words and do his math homework and waited for you to get home. I love the time with Sam, but I have to be honest Kate and say that I really hate being a housewife." Jack told her.

"I'm sure you do, but it's not forever. Right?" Kate offered.

"No, I'm meeting with my colleagues tomorrow afternoon to discuss when I should come back. I'm guessing they'll strongly suggest I take another couple of weeks at least and I will in order to appease them. Speaking of which, the meeting will run late, can you pick up Sam after school tomorrow?" Jack said.

"Yeah, sure, are you ready to go back to work?" Kate asked.

"I think so, but with limits to the insanity this time. No more impossible case loads or ridiculous surgical rotations. As my father would say, 'I've earned the right to be selective' although I can't imagine applying that philosophy to people who are sick and need my help." Jack sighed.

"You'll figure it out babe and I suspect those that really need your help will continue to get it. Want to meet me for lunch before your meeting?" Kate asked.

"I'd love to, but I already promised I'd have lunch with my father. He has things he says he wants to discuss. He's been....I don't know.......different, almost likeable since....well, since he stuck his nose in where it didn't belong and saved my life in the process." Jack said.

"Ah, but his nose did belong. You're his son Jack. Of course he'd be in the middle of that situation." Kate said.

"Yeah, I guess if the situation were reversed I'd be sticking my nose in too. It's still weird though, but kind of nice at the same time. He wants me to tell Sam he's his grandfather." Jack said.

"What did you tell him?" Kate asked.

"I told him I'd have to discuss it with you." Jack said.

"Jack, it's not my place to have an opinion on this." Kate argued.

"Kate, we're a family, you're the only mother he's ever going to have if I have anything to say about it, and you're much smarter than I am about these things and how they affect children." Jack said.

"Sam will be fine Jack, it's you that needs to decide whether or not you want to let your father be a part of your life by allowing him to know and possibly nurture your son. Can you get past all the anger and allow Sam to have a grandpa, if that's what your father has in mind?" Kate asked.

"God, you're analyzing me again." He groaned.

"It kind of pisses you off that I can read you so well doesn't it?" Kate teased.

"Yeah, but I think it's probably one of the reasons I fell in love with you. If my father were to show Sam attention and affection that should make me happy shouldn't it?" Jack asked.

"Not necessarily Jack. Anger and jealousy are perfectly natural human emotions that don't go away just because we become parents. It would perfectly normal for you to react negatively to your father showing Sam the attention he could never show you." Kate told him, impressed by how he'd just put what was bothering him out there.

"It just feels so childish." Jack said.

"Well you are his child Jack and our dad is our dad regardless of how old we get. You're feeling jealous about his interest in Sam aren't you?" Kate asked.

"Yes." Jack answered honestly after a few moments of silence between them, the shame he was feeling coming through loud and clear in that one word.

She lifted her head and kissed him again.

"Then tell him that Jack. Tell your father how it makes you feel. Trust me, you'll feel better, he'll feel better and Sam will get to know what it's like to have a grandfather." Kate said and laid back down.

He was quiet for a long time and finally sat up and rolled her onto her back, kissing her deeply and then pulling back.

"Thank you." He said.

"You're welcome." She said and caressed his cheek with her hand.

He was pressed up against her and could feel her stomach rumbling.

"You're hungry. Let's get dressed and I'll take you out for a nice, quiet dinner. Some place without paper napkins and crayons." Jack offered and kissed her softly.

"You're sweet, but this is so much nicer than any dinner ever could be. How about we order a pizza? It'll take it about an hour to get here and that gives us time to soak in a hot bath together." She said and kissed him back, allowing her hand to travel slowly over his chest.

They sat quietly in the steamy water, him relaxing into the back of the tub and her relaxing back into him, the Jacuzzi jets gently massaging their bodies and his hand massaging the parts of her the jets weren't touching. He reached up and pushed the button to shut the jets down so he could talk to her.

"Christy dropped off a stack of those bride magazines for you." Jack said and felt her tense up for a moment.

"Jack, I really don't want a wedding." She sighed.

"I know that before we were just going to do it quietly and quickly, but I think we were wrong. I want you to have the big fairy tale wedding Kate. Did you not ever dream about a wedding when you were a little girl?" He asked tenderly, sincerely.

"Sure, when I was 12, me and my best friend had our weddings all planned out. We were going to be each other's bride's maids, and we were going to buy houses next door to each other and we were both going to have four children, two of each, but she died and I ended up having my father's idea of a wedding with the loser that murdered my son and I'm not 12 anymore." Kate told him.

"I want to give you the wedding that the 12 year old girl dreamed about so will you think about it, indulge me? I know Christy is dying to help you plan every last detail. Isn't this the kind of thing that most women really, really want?" Jack asked.

"I've found that it's best not to want things Jack or to dream about fairy tales. We're happy aren't we Jack?" She asked.

"Yeah, we've had our struggles, but you definitely make me happy." He said.

"And you and Sam make me happy. It's enough. No need to be greedy." She said.

Jack wrapped his arms around her tighter and held her, kissing the top of her head and deciding to let it go for now.

The two men sat across from one another in a restaurant near the hospital where Jack worked. They'd made small talk, but Jack knew his father had more on his mind.

"So dad, why are we here?" Jack asked.

"I need a reason to have lunch with my son?" Christian asked making Jack let go of sarcastic chuckle.

"Um…do you really want me to answer that honestly?" Jack asked.

"Have you thought about what I asked?" Christian asked.

"You mean am I willing to let you get to know Sam as his grandfather and run the risk of you fucking with his head the way you've fucked with mine my whole life?" Jack asked unable to mask the anger he was feeling.

"Listen Jack, I agree with you. I was the worst father a boy could have." Christian said.

"I think you have to actually be present in a boy's life to earn any kind of rating as a father. So tell me dad, why do you suddenly want to offer Sam what you could never offer me?" Jack asked.

"I know you want answers, that you want me to be able to give you a reason for why I chose not to be a part of your life. Yes, Jack that's right, it was a choice, not a mistake and there is no good excuse for it. I was a rotten husband, a rotten father and a rotten man." Christian said.

"And what, now you're not?" Jack asked.

"No, I'm the same man Jack, I've just got a new set of priorities." Christian said.

"Yeah, what's that?" Jack asked with a sick, hateful laugh.

"You." Christian answered quietly.

"You're about 40 years too late." Jack said.

"I was wrong about you Jack." Christian said.

"Wrong about what?" Jack asked.

"About what kind of man you are. You're nothing like me. You're good and you're decent and you are a good family man. I saw the way she and that boy reacted over the idea that they might lose you and you know what the funny part is Jack, the thing that would make you laugh in my face?" Christian asked.

"No dad, tell me." Jack sighed.

"I was jealous, not of what you have, but of the idea that those two people were more invested in you than I was. Where do you suppose that came from?" Christian asked with a sick laugh.

Jack didn't answer, he wasn't sure what to say or if there was anything that needed to be said. They both sat in silence for the next half hour, eating their lunch, both apparently in deep thought. When the waitress brought them their check Jack dropped his credit card on the table and relaxed back into his chair.

"I'm taking Sam to the Lakers game on Saturday. Do you want to come?" Jack asked.

"You've got an extra ticket?" Christian asked.

"Adam Friedman in pediatrics has a suite and he's letting me use it. There's plenty of room if you want to join us." Jack said.

"Jack there is one other matter I wanted to discuss with you." Christian said, changing the subject immediately.

"Why did you even come here asking to be part of my life if you didn't really mean it?" Jack asked, surprised at how genuinely disappointed he was feeling.

"What? No, Jack. Yes, of course, I'd like to go to the game with you and Sam, but only if I get to buy him the big foam finger." Christian assured him, picking up on the tone in Jack's voice and for the first time in his life, wishing he could turn back the clock and do things differently.

"Okay then, I'll pick you up at six. What else?" Jack asked.

"What else?" Christian asked.

"Yes, what else did you want to want to discuss with me?" Jack asked.

"I saw the ring on Kate's hand. Have you set a date?" Christian asked.

"No, she…..it's complicated. Why?" Jack asked.

"You told me once that she wants children, but can't have them. Are you planning on doing anything about that?" Christian asked.

"I don't know. Dad, why are you asking me about this stuff?" Jack asked.

"A friend of mine has a 17 year old daughter who is pregnant. He wants a quiet, private adoption and he's not had any luck finding a suitable couple. I told him I thought I might know of a couple that would be interested. Are you?" Christian asked.

"What?" Jack asked completely stunned by the question.

"I know, it's sudden, but sometimes you have to cease the opportunity when it presents itself. She's carrying a healthy baby, a boy, and is due to deliver in about a month." Christian said.

"We're supposed to make such a big decision this quickly?" Jack asked feeling a bit unnerved.

"Is it that big of decision Jack? Couples decide to get pregnant every day. It's the same thing." Christian argued.

"It's not the same thing. It takes time to get pregnant and then you get nine months to prepare." Jack argued back.

"Agreed, but what are the odds that an opportunity like this will come along again?" Christian asked.

"Dad, I'm not working right now, we aren't married, we've got Sam's psycho biological mother stalking us and what if this girl changes her mind. I don't think Kate could handle it. No, she'd be devastated." Jack said.

"The girl is leaving to study in Europe as soon as the baby is born. She is not interested in being a mother right now, but she does want to know her baby is going to a good home." Christian assured him.

"This is….um…I have to talk to Kate." Jack said.

"Good. You talk to Kate and I'll tell my friend he can stop looking for parents." Christian said.

"Dad, I'm not saying I want to do this." Jack protested.

"Of course you're not. I'll see you Saturday Jack." Christian said and left the table before Jack could respond.

Jack walked through the door around 5 PM, a little tired since his body was still weakened from the illness and not used to being off the couch for a full day, but feeling good about the prospect of being able to return to work in two or three weeks. He saw Sam playing a video game, said hello and got no response. He decided the boy was so engrossed he hadn't heard him and followed the noises into the kitchen. Kate was standing at the sink peeling a potato. He moved in behind her and kissed her neck. She dropped the potato and turned around. Her face was tear-streaked and she was trembling. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He spoke softly.

"I thought she got him Jack." She sobbed.

"What? Who got him? Kate, settle down and tell me what happened." Jack continued speaking softly to her.

"Sam. He didn't wait for me to change my clothes. He went outside without me and I couldn't…" She choked the words out too upset to finish the sentence.

He continued to hold onto her until she calmed down, beginning to understand what had transpired.

"He went outside without permission, without an adult?" Jack asked his voice a combination of anger and fear.

"Don't Jack, he's just a little boy and he doesn't understand why he can't go outside to play like a normal six year old. I got so scared when I couldn't find him and it just happened a few minutes ago and I haven't had a chance to calm down." Kate immediately defended Sam.

"Kate he knows he's not supposed to do that. Where was he?" Jack asked.

"He was in the building in the backyard. I guess he grabbed the key and went in there to play with the trains." Kate said.

"So he not only broke the rule about going outside alone, he broke the rule about playing with the trains without me." Jack said.

"Yeah, I guess he's testing the boundaries. I called and called for him and he wouldn't answer and I thought that she'd gotten him. I'm sorry Jack." She apologized.

"Hey, don't. You didn't do anything wrong. I know he's just a little boy Kate and that it sucks that he is caught in the middle of something we can't explain to him without scaring him, but he has to be punished for this, if for no other reason than to hopefully ensure he doesn't do it again." Jack told her.

"You're right. I was just so relieved to find him and so upset by how close we came to…..well, I just didn't bother with time-outs or naughty chairs." Kate said.

"This is ridiculous. I've got to do something about her." Jack said.

"There's nothing you can do Jack, legally she's not done anything wrong." Kate said.

"You okay now?" Jack asked.

"Yes." She answered.

"I'm going to go talk to Sam." Jack said and left the room.

Jack sat on the couch beside Sam and watched the animation flashing across the television screen for a moment. He hated doing this, hated being the bad guy, hated the tears that would no doubt ensue, but the idea that he could be spending the evening wondering where Sam was and if he was safe because the child intentionally disobeyed helped him regain his resolve to be firm, but not threatening.

"Turn the game off Sam." Jack said in the no nonsense tone that Sam immediately recognized and his bottom lip began to quiver and pucker.

Sam moved off the couch, set the controller on the table, turned off the game and the television and stood in front of Jack, hands behind his back and head hung low in an attempt to appear as pitiful as possible. Jack quickly shook off the urge to hug him and let him off the hook.

"Do you have homework?" Jack asked.

"No, I just gotta read." Sam said softly.

"Good. Let's go run your bath." Jack said and took the boy by the hand.

"Why daddy? It's too early?" Sam whined.

"Did you go outside without permission?" Jack asked.

"Yes, but Kate said I could." Sam argued.

"No, Kate said you had to wait for her and you didn't and you scared her really bad when she couldn't find you. She's in the kitchen right now crying because you scared her so bad." Jack scolded the boy.

"I'm sorry I made her cry." Sam said.

"Sam, the rules are that you are to never go outside without a grown-up and you aren't supposed to be messing with the trains without me either." Jack said.

"I know." Sam said softly.

"If you know, then why did you do it?" Jack asked.

"I don't know, because I wanted to." Sam whined.

"Well son you don't get to break the rules just because you want to so you're going to take a bath, eat your dinner and get ready for bed and you're going to do that for the next three days. No video games, no television and no playing with daddy after school. You'll come home from school, do your homework, take a bath, eat your dinner and go to bed." Jack said.

"No daddy that's too long! I won't break the rules no more!" Sam cried.

"That's good because if you ever go outside without a grown-up again the punishment will be much worse." Jack said sternly.

Sam finished the last few words on the page and handed the book to Jack. He slipped it inside the boy's backpack and pulled the blankets back on his bed for him.

"Go tell Kate goodnight." Jack said.

Sam left the room and came back a few minutes later. He crawled into the waiting bed and let his dad tuck the blankets around him.

"Daddy the clock said 7-0-0. I'm not sleepy." Sam whined.

"If you lie still you'll get sleepy." Jack told him.

"Are you still mad at me?" Sam asked.

"No and I wasn't mad at you, I was upset with what you did." Jack said.

"Daddy is worse punishment broken arms?" Sam asked.

"What? No. Come here." Jack said and pulled the child into his lap, hugging him tight and kissing him on the temple.

"Worse punishment just means more days. Buddy, you have to promise me that you won't ever go outside alone again. Okay?" Jack said softly.

"I promise." Sam said.

Jack tucked the boy back into his bed and kissed him on the forehead.

"I love you." Jack said.

"I don't want to say it, I'm too sad. Goodnight." Sam said and rolled onto his side, facing the wall instead of his father.

Jack smiled at the boy's act of defiance and moved off the bed. He left Sam's bedroom and noticed the lights on in he and Kate's bedroom. He walked down the hall and into the room. She was pulling the shirt she had on up and over her head. He moved in behind her and wrapped his arms around her, cupping both hands over the cups of her bra and squeezing gently.

"Want to have a baby Kate?" He asked.

"Sure, take your pants off and get busy stud." Kate laughed and turned to face him.

Jack unhooked her bra and slowly removed it from her body. His fingertips lightly grazed her nipples while the rest of him remained entranced by her beauty.

"What if I told you we could really have a baby and soon?" Jack asked and kissed her softly.

"Jack, what are you talking about?" Kate asked realizing they weren't playing a game.

"It's what my father wanted to talk to me about today." Jack said.

"You're father wants to give us a baby?" Kate asked.

"No, he wanted to know if we'd be interested in adopting a baby, a boy that is due to be delivered in about a month." Jack answered.

"But how? I mean you can't just walk in and adopt a baby, there are waiting lists." Kate said.

"The people aren't interested in waiting lists. They want a private adoption and want to know who is getting their baby." Jack said.

"Jack are you serious? I mean, of course you're serious because you wouldn't tease me about something like this, but I mean are you serious, you'd be willing to do this?" Kate asked.

"I wouldn't have brought it up if I wasn't already on board. It's up to you Kate and I'd understand if you'd rather not, I mean, if it would be too hard for you because of Jeffrey, you know, maybe it would be easier with a little girl." Jack stammered, looking for the right words.

"Oh my god, you're really serious." Kate said as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"Don't cry. If it's too soon, if it's too hard we can wait for the next baby to come along." Jack comforted her.

"No Jack, it's not too soon and it's not too hard and we aren't going to pass this up. I just can't believe you're okay with it, that you're going to…….that we're actually going to get a baby." Kate cried.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, her naked breasts pressing into the fabric of his t-shirt and his hands moving slowly over her back.

"I'm so afraid to be happy or excited, but you've made me want these things again Jack and you're making me believe I can actually have them." She told him.

"You made me want these things period and we're going to have it all Kate, because I'm a stubborn son of a bitch that typically gets what he wants." He told her and winked at her.

"Is that so? And what does that stubborn S.O.B. want right now?" She teased and moved her hand over the front of his jeans.

"I always want that, even when I'm so exhausted that would kill me I want that, but what I really want more than anything is to see you as happy as you are right now as often as possible." He said as he slowly walked them toward the bed.

"Then shut up and make love to me." She whispered, pulling him in for a deep passionate kiss and falling onto the bed with him.


	30. Chapter 30

Jack and Kate were married quietly on a Wednesday morning at the county courthouse on January 28th, despite Jack's desire to give Kate her fairy tale wedding. They spent four days honeymooning at Lake Tahoe , barely leaving their suite long enough to eat, much less take in the scenery. Four days of cuddling, making love and talking about their pasts and their future together was the quality time their relationship needed.

Elijah (Eli) Anthony Shephard came into the world with bang on February 6th, about a week earlier than anticipated. He was a robust 8 lb, 6 oz. baby boy with a very healthy set of lungs, his crying keeping everyone in the house from getting a good night's sleep. Kate had decided before the baby was born that she would stop working and stay home with both Sam and Eli. Jack on the other hand had returned to work the Monday following their honeymoon and by the end of February had fallen back into the same busy routine he'd had before minus all the distractions at home. Kate didn't complain. She knew that it was just a part of who Jack was and that he wouldn't be happy being a 40 hour a week kind of man.

Sam was not pleased with the new addition to the family, nor was he impressed with the idea of being anyone's big brother. He made sure he made things as difficult as possible for Kate during the day and suffered the consequences for his behavior when Jack would come home in the evening and find Kate near tears and Sam being completely defiant, refusing to do his homework, refusing to pick up his toys and refusing to be quiet so the baby could sleep. However, once Jack came through the door he'd relax and do what he was told and most nights that included being punished for his behavior. It didn't matter to Sam though because by the time Jack got home he'd have to spend his entire evening with Sam helping him with his homework, getting him fed, bathed and into bed and it left him no time for Eli or Kate. They could tell Sam was very angry with Kate and that he was testing Jack, but neither were sure why or if their little family would survive it.

It was a typical Friday for Jack. He'd spotted Carrie outside the school when he dropped Sam off, had harsh words with her, went to work, took a phone call from crying Kate and angry Sam around 4 PM, comforted his wife, threatened his son, finished up with his patients and his paperwork and drove home. He and Kate were at their wits end, no longer knowing how to deal with Sam and his behavior. Jack had come so close to actually spanking the boy on numerous occasions and was ready to find a therapist for him before the entire family went crazy. Rick assured Jack that what Sam was going through was normal, that wanting to spank the boy was normal and perhaps even necessary and that they just needed to keep doing what they were doing.

Rick and Christy had offered to take Sam off their hands for the weekend. They were going to San Diego and had invited Sam to come along. Jack had agreed and Sam had managed to behave up until today in anticipation of the fun he was going to have. Jack so badly wanted to just ignore the phone call he'd gotten and let Sam go anyway because he needed a break from the chaos. When he entered the house to find a screaming infant, Kate screaming and Sam with his teeth sunk deeply into Kate's forearm and refusing to let go he finally snapped. He pried Sam's mouth off of her and angrily swatted the boy's bottom five or six times before carrying him into his bedroom, tossing him into his bed and daring him to move from it until he got back.

Sam was shocked into silence. There were no tears because Jack hadn't spanked him hard enough to cause tears of pain, but he'd hit him hard enough to wake him up apparently because the child didn't dare talk back and stayed put. Jack cleaned the wound on Kate's arm thoroughly and bandaged it, doing his best to comfort her even though she was certain Sam hated her and they were never going to have any peace in their lives. This saddened Jack because Kate was the child expert and even though he knew she was just overtired, it worried him a little that she seemed ready to throw in the towel.

"Kate, it's going to be okay. You're tired and it's all overwhelming, but Sam is going to get through this, we all are." Jack said.

"He hates me Jack and he hates Eli and wants to hurt us." Kate said sadly.

"Come on Kate, you know better than that. He's six and he's jealous and he's dealing with a lot of shit as far as his real mother goes. You think he hasn't seen her watching him? He's got this mother at home that he loves very much and wants to feel okay about loving and then we bring in this baby that he feels like he has to compete against for your affection all while trying to reconcile the feelings he has for his real mother who you know he still loves very much because he is just a little boy and that is his mommy. Can you imagine how fucking confused he is?" Jack defended his son.

"You've been talking to Rick." Kate said.

"Yeah, it sounded much more convincing when he said it." Jack sighed.

"I'm sorry Jack, I didn't mean to make Sam out to be a monster and everything Rick says is true. I'm just so tired and so frustrated and I don't know how to make things okay for him." Kate said.

"Yeah, I know, I'm frustrated too. I know he doesn't deserve to go to San Diego this weekend, but I think we need to let him, for all our sakes." Jack said sadly.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

"I hit him Kate." Jack sighed.

"Jack don't. I'm not a fan of spanking children, but sometimes it is necessary and I think it made quite an impact on him, more so than any of the time outs or groundings or taking television and video games away. That's as quiet and compliant as Sam's been in weeks." Kate said.

"Great, I just beat my son into obedience." Jack grumbled.

"You did not beat him Jack so just stop it. You did what any parent would have done, what I would've done if I could've gotten a hand free. He's become a tyrannical little brat and something had to be done. Jesus, don't you start getting all emotional and crazed, you're the only sane one left in this family and we need you to stay that way." Kate told him making him lighten up and laugh lightly.

"So what do you think? Should we let him go to San Diego ?" Jack asked.

"Yes." Kate answered.

"Okay, I'll go talk to him and then we'll take you by the ER for a tetanus shot and grab some dinner some place." Jack said.

"A tetanus shot?" Kate asked.

"When was the last time you had one?" Jack asked.

"I don't remember." Kate said.

"Which is why you need one. Human bites are incredibly infectious and he broke through the skin pretty deeply so you need a tetanus shot and a round of antibiotics just to be safe." Jack said.

"All those injuries from my fall and my smart, brave doctor didn't order up a tetanus shot?" Kate teased.

"You're injuries were all internal, no puncture wounds anywhere, which is amazing when you consider how far you fell so tetanus wasn't a concern. Quit being a baby Kate. It's just a shot." He teased back.

"Yeah, but it's going to make my arm very sore, that much I do remember about them." Kate groaned.

"Aww….I promise to baby you and your arm all weekend." He said and kissed her.

"But will you take the 2 AM feedings?" She asked and smiled at him.

"I'll go one better Kate. I'll take the 2 AM and 4 AM feedings. You really need to eat more and sleep longer buddy." Jack said in soft voice, rubbing a finger gently over the baby's cheek.

Jack entered Sam's room. The sun was going down so the room had a purplish tint to it. He turned on the light and Sam quickly covered his eyes and rolled over, turning away from Jack.

"Let's go Sam. We need to take Kate to the hospital and grab some dinner." Jack said and plucked the boy out of his bed.

"Why does Kate have to go to the hospital?" Sam asked.

"Because you bit her and made her skin bleed. She needs a shot and some medicine." Jack told him.

"Am I grounded daddy?" Sam asked.

"No. You're still going to San Diego tomorrow. Do you still want to go?" Jack asked.

"Yes, but I was bad." Sam said.

"Yes, you were and I shouldn't let you go, but I think maybe you need a break from everything that is upsetting you. We can't keep doing this buddy. You're turning this house upside down and it has to stop." Jack told him keeping his voice firm, but not threatening.

"You spanked me." Sam said.

"You gave me no choice." Jack told him.

"I don't like that daddy. It stings and it really hurted my feelings." Sam said.

"Yeah, what do hurted feelings feel like?" Jack asked.

"Like I maked you so sad you don't want me anymore." Sam said, his bottom lip puckering and his eyes filling with tears.

"Sam, you know that's not true and we're not going to play the "make daddy feel guilty game". You know I love you and that I want you. If I didn't love you I wouldn't care how you behave. But I also love Kate and Eli so if you continue to behave badly and hurt them I'm going to do whatever it takes to get through to you." Jack told him as he slipped the boy's sneakers on his feet and began tying them.

"You promised you would never hurt me daddy." Sam cried.

"I did and I will never hurt you Sam, but if spanking you is the only way to get you to stop behaving so badly then I guess that's the way it will be. If I come home from work and you're giving Kate a hard time and your homework isn't done and you're behaving so badly she's crying then it isn't going to end well for you. Is that what you want Sam, for me to come home every night and have to spank you?

"No, I want you to play with me like you used to." Sam said.

"Well how can I ever hope to find the time to play with you when all I ever do anymore is have to find ways to punish you because you won't stop giving Kate such a hard time?" Jack replied the frustration he was feeling evident.

"I don't know." Sam whined.

"Sam, listen son, I know that you're very confused and very angry about mommy, but Kate loves you so much and she would do anything to help you feel better." Jack spoke in a softer tone.

"She gots a baby now, she don't care about me." Sam said sadly.

"That's not true Sam. She wouldn't be so upset if she didn't care about you." Jack told him.

"I'm tired Daddy, I don't want to talk no more." Sam said.

Jack studied the child for a long moment. He couldn't remember a time in his life when he felt so completely torn and useless. He finished tying his shoes, took him by the hand and led him out of the bedroom.

Two hours later they returned home. Kate's bite required a few stitches to close one of the deepest puncture wounds and Sam eyed her carefully the entire time she was being treated. The baby was wet and hungry by the time they finished at the hospital so they grabbed some fast food and returned home. Sam was sitting on his knees in front of the coffee table eating his chicken nuggets and French fries. He'd been quiet and compliant the entire evening. He finished eating and sat quietly watching Kate holding Eli to her chest and patting his back softly. Kate noticed him eyeing her and handed the baby to Jack.

"Want me to put him to bed?" Jack asked.

"If you don't mind." Kate said and watched him walk out of the room with him.

"Do you want to come sit with me for a minute Sam?" Kate asked.

Sam dropped his head and thought about it for a moment before sighing heavily and walking over to her. She lifted him into her lap and he sat facing her, his legs straddled over hers.

"I'm sorry I hurt you." Sam said.

"I'm sorry you're so upset Sam." Kate said.

"I made daddy very sad." Sam sighed.

"Baby, what's wrong? Will you please talk to me?" Kate pleaded with the child in a kind voice.

"Why does Eli sleep on you like that?" Sam asked.

"Because he's little and it makes him feel safe." Kate answered.

"I'm scared sometimes." Sam told her his eyes so sad and watery she had to swallow the large lump that instantly formed in her throat.

Kate pulled the child into her bosom and held him tightly. She rocked him gently while rubbing a soothing hand over his back. Jack walked into the room and looked at her with questioning eyes. She shrugged and continued to try to comfort the boy. Jack sat beside them unbeknownst to Sam.

"Can I tell you a really big secret?" Sam asked keeping his head and upper body snuggled into her.

"You can tell me anything Sam." Kate said.

"Mommy wants me to live with her." Sam told her his voice barely audible.

Kate looked at Jack and swallowed hard, keeping her voice even and calm.

"When did you talk to mommy sweetie?" Kate asked.

"She comes to the fence at recess and talks to me. She said I need to come home. She said you and daddy don't love me you only love Eli." Sam said sadly.

Kate could see that Jack had begun to tick, that he was becoming consumed with rage and she wasn't sure which Shephard male to tend to first. She shot Jack a look and he immediately stood and began to pace, but at least he kept quiet.

"Baby that's just not true. We both love you and would miss you so much if you weren't here. Do you not like it here Sam? Do you want to go live with your mommy?" Kate asked drawing a look of disapproval from Jack who apparently wasn't keen on the idea of actually giving the child a choice.

"I don't know. Stop asking. It's too hard!" Sam cried and tried to pull away from her.

"No Sam, you have to tell us what you want sweetie and whatever it is, it's okay." Kate pushed the child.

"No! Stop it! Let me go!" Sam screamed, sobbing now and nearing hysterics.

Kate held tightly to him and he bit her again. He was like a caged animal who had to get free no matter what. The pain forced her to let him go and he fled, not getting very far before Jack scooped him up and held his arms and legs until he stopped fighting him. Jack sat back down on the couch with him and encouraged Sam to let Kate hold him again, which he did, his need to be mothered and for it to be okay to need that so desperate and sad that it had brought tears to the eyes of both adults.

"I'm so bad now and daddy never gets to play with me anymore and you're always with the baby. I don't like any of this. I hate it. It makes me feel so scared and makes my tummy hurt." Sam cried.

"What would make you feel better sweetie? Why are you scared?" Kate asked.

Sam sat up and looked at both of them before turning his gaze directly onto Jack.

"Mommy said you don't want me. She said you are pretending. She said you left us and that when she asked you to watch me you lied and told me she was dead. She said you stealed me and won't give me back because you're mean, not because you really want me." Sam said.

Jack was so angry he could feel his body temperature rising, his face so hot he was sure it had to be an unnatural shade of red. He swallowed hard and did his best to remain calm.

"Do you believe that Sam?" Jack asked.

Sam fidgeted and looked as though he was afraid to answer the question, finally grabbing his stomach and curling up in a ball of pain on the couch in-between them.

"It hurts so much." Sam cried.

Jack lifted the child and lay his head in his lap, while Kate encouraged him to straighten his legs out into hers so Jack could carefully move his hand over the boy's stomach and assess whether a true medical emergency was occurring.

"Can you relax for me buddy?" Jack asked in a soft voice and pressed on the boy's abdomen.

"Stop daddy! It hurts!" Sam screamed.

"Sam, close your eyes for daddy and try to settle down. You can tell me anything Sam and I will never be mad. I love you and I want you here and I never lied to you Sam, never, but if you're not sure, if you're confused, it's okay." Jack continued in a soft tone while Kate rubbed a soothing hand over the boy's stomach.

"I don't want to go to San Diego . I want to stay home. I want you to play with me. I want Kate to play with me." Sam whined softly, eyes still close, the calm voices and gentle hands moving over him settling him down.

"Okay Sam." Jack said.

"She will be mad." Sam said.

"Who will be mad?" Jack asked.

"Mommy will be mad at me because I want to stay here. I love it here. You're a good daddy and she's a liar isn't she daddy? You have to say if it's true or you'll be a liar too." Sam insisted as he started to become agitated again.

"Shh, it's okay Sam. Yes son, mommy is lying to you." Jack said softly.

Am I in trouble for saying that?" Sam asked.

"No, you're not in trouble." Jack said.

"Can I sleep with you and Kate tonight?" Sam asked.

"Right in the middle." Kate answered.

Jack had lain awake unable to find sleep after the incident with Sam. Carrie had gone beyond stalking them and was terrorizing Sam and he had to do something about it, he just had no idea what. He turned his head and looked over at Kate and Sam snuggled up together sleeping soundly and the sight tugged heavily on his heart. He heard the baby begin to fuss, turned the monitor off and headed for the nursery to grab him before he woke the entire house.

The baby had just gulped down two ounces of formula at midnight and it wasn't even 2 AM yet and he was awake and hungry again. Jack prepared a bottle with four ounces of formula and patiently fed and burped until the baby had consumed almost every bit of it, having to wake him up numerous times to get him to finish it. The effort paid off though as he and Kate both sat up straight, startled that daylight was streaming through the windows and Eli's tummy alarm hadn't gone off yet.

"When did he eat last?" Kate asked and moved off the bed.

"Around two." Jack answered and followed her into the nursery.

"It's almost eight Jack, something is wrong." Kate said and hurried toward the nursery.

They both stopped in the doorway and smiled. Sam was standing beside the crib helping the baby keep his pacifier in his mouth. He turned around to look at them and then returned his attention to the baby.

"He doesn't cry if you put his plug in." Sam said as if he'd just discovered electricity making both Jack and Kate laugh.

They spent the weekend together as a family, Kate and Jack allowing Sam to hold and feed the baby and then both taking turns spending one on one time with Sam, his tearful confession about what had his six year old mind so worked up seeming to depressurize the situation for the time being. Jack took Sam to school on Monday and met with the principal and Sam's teacher to let them know about the recess fence conversations Sam had been having with the mother that had abandoned him. They assured Jack that he would be watched closely and not allowed near the fences and that the security guard would also keep an eye out and run her off if she approached the fences again.

The next couple of weeks went very smoothly. Sam's behavior improved considerably, with only one meltdown that required Jack's intervention within that two week period. Sam's jealousy over the baby continued, but on a more normal level and it appeared that removing Carrie's opportunities to fuck with the child's head and making sure they continued to assure Sam of his place in the family was helping him to settle down, feel safe again and stop acting out.

It had been about 6 weeks since the biting/spanking/meltdown incident. Life wasn't perfect in the Shephard house, but it was as close to normal and content and happy as it had ever been. The baby was eating well and sleeping well and Sam and Kate were becoming closer and closer with each passing day. It was Easter weekend and traditional celebratory practices like coloring eggs, hunting eggs and an Easter bunny that brings a basket of candy were completely foreign to Jack so he was grateful Kate seemed to know how the holiday was traditionally celebrated.

The baby and Sam were both napping and Kate was in the bedroom closet making sure she had everything to make the holiday perfect for Sam. She felt his arms snake around her from behind and grinned.

"You better behave or the Easter Bunny won't bring you any chocolate." Kate warned.

"That's okay, I'd rather have you dipped in chocolate." Jack teased and nibbled on her neck.

"Did you really not do this stuff when you were a kid?" Kate giggled and turned to face him.

"Did I try to get lucky with a beautiful woman in a closet when I was a kid?" Jack asked.

"Jack, stop. It makes me sad to think of you as a little boy not having Easter." Kate said.

"Would it make you happy to think of me as a man having his way with you on Easter Eve?" He teased.

"You're impossible when you're horny." She laughed and squirmed away from him.

He followed her out into the bedroom, grabbing her and quickly pinning her to the bed, both of them laughing and then finally kissing, him allowing her to regain the advantage by rolling over onto his back and bringing her with him. She stopped kissing him and sat up, scooting back some and unbuttoning his shirt.

"You left the door open, are you sure Sam is out?" Kate asked.

"I carried him from the couch to his bed. He's out." Jack answered.

"So what did you have in mind sexy, a quickie or perhaps something a bit more drawn out?" She asked in a seductive tone right before she pushed the unbuttoned shirt away from him and began kissing his chest.

She kissed her way down his chest and stomach and began unfastening his belt. He rolled them over, pinning her beneath him once again and looked into her eyes.

"Drawn out sounds good to me." He breathed heavily and began kissing her neck.

She lay in the center of the bed, his stubble scratching lightly at the soft sensitive skin on the inside of her thighs as his wet mouth slowly made a meal out of her. She was relaxed and enjoying the sensations as he worked diligently to draw their afternoon lovemaking out as long as possible. She felt the warm tingling as her orgasm built, knowing that all it would take is him penetrating her with a finger and sucking her clit to bring the explosion she not only wanted, but was beginning to desperately need as he continued to enjoy her. She felt his hand move over her, his fingers lightly tracing along the edges of her pussy, teasing her and making her wetter, the warmth saturating his chin and making him moan against her.

"Please Jack." She panted as she guided his hand to her opening, letting him know what she wanted and making him smile against her as he contemplated teasing her a little longer before he gave in.

He surprised her by pulling his hand away and going up onto his knees. His jeans were unbuttoned and unzipped, his engorged head peeking out through the opening and begging for entrance. He was ready to push his pants down and penetrate her, but she had other plans. She sat up and pushed him backwards, grabbing the waistband of his jeans on either side and pulling them down, tugging them past his knees and tossing them to the floor.

She slowly crawled back up, looking at his erection and then licking her lips for him. He eyed her carefully, unsure if she was just going to mount him or if he was about to get swallowed whole. Either was fine with him as long as it meant that something wet and warm was about to engulf his throbbing penis. She looked at him and his dark, desperate eyes and smiled at him, right before she positioned her self on her hands and knees and looked back over her shoulder at him. He immediately sprang into action, going up onto his knees behind her, positioning himself at her opening and slowly pushing himself inside, deeper and deeper until every inch of him was buried, the feeling so intense beads of sweat were forming on his forehead.

"Mmm Jack, you're so deep." She moaned and he jerked against her.

"Son of a…….you almost got me." He huffed with a light laugh and began moving in and out of her with deep, slow deliberate strokes, keeping his hands on her hips so he could slowly guide her back toward him.

Kate grabbed one of his hands and guided it along with hers to her front, both of them rubbing soft circles over her swollen nub and her clamping down on him hard when the orgasm hit, so hard it was both exhilarating and painful and he grunted and groaned as he fought to hold himself still and steady while she rode it out, quickly losing his battle to make this as drawn out as possible. The urge to push her shoulders down onto the mattress and fuck her hard finally won out, but she wasn't complaining. It felt incredible to have him pounding into her in an almost angry fashion and when he became too exhausted to continue, she pushed him down onto the mattress again and sucked his cock until he exploded. Jack couldn't see straight or think straight and couldn't be sure whether or not he had literally exploded, he just knew he could still feel her warm mouth around him and wished he was 18 again so his body could pull off what his heart and mind were considering.

She finally pulled her mouth away from him and moved up beside him, kissing him until he opened his eyes.

"You're incredible." Jack mumbled softly.

"Ditto." She sighed and let her head rest on his chest.

"If someone had ever told me I'd have a wife, two kids and an actual relationship with my father I would've laughed in their face. I mean we're doing this ridiculously charming Easter thing together and tomorrow our son is going to hunt Easter eggs with his grandfather and all of this is happening because of you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me Kate." Jack said sweetly

"I love you so much when you do that without even thinking." Kate said.

"Do what?" He asked.

"Refer to Sam as our son." She said.

"He's going to be okay Kate, we're all going to be okay. Are you ready to believe in the fairy tale yet?" Jack asked.

"No, but I believe in you Jack and always have. That's enough." She said, snuggling in closer to him and closing her eyes, content and happy.


	31. Chapter 31

The two sweaty bodies were in perfect rhythm, both moving and grinding and reaching for that moment, the moment when their bodies would both feel something so incredible it would numb their minds and allow sounds and often words to come flowing loudly and uncontrollably out of their mouths.

He'd actually awoken her with a bang, a seemingly wet dream turning out to be the real thing, his head buried between her legs and her body responding in a state of half consciousness, opening her eyes within seconds of exploding all over him. She smiled a sleepy and satisfied smile at him as he slowly moved up her body and penetrated her in what seemed like one single motion, his hard, swollen cock filling her and moving within her, so hungry for her that she came again almost immediately.

After that the sex became hot and intense, switching places numerous times as they worked feverishly to please each other, her next release not coming as quickly as the first two and his release being held off, his stubborn nature often allowing him to extend himself to the point of exhaustion before he'd give in. She used to wonder how much practice a man had to have to get that good and that in control between the sheets and eventually decided that she didn't care how many women Jack had bedded in the past. She only cared that she was the only woman he wanted to make forever with.

The moans intensified, followed quickly by heavy panting, grunting, some profanity from Jack and some squealing from Kate and then the sweaty bodies stilled, her draped over his stomach and chest, their centers still connected. His head was close to the end of the bed, pillows strewn across the room, the bed itself missing most of its coverings, nothing but a tangled sheet between their bodies and the mattress. They lay together, breathing heavily and neither having the notion to move any time soon.

"Daddy, can I wake up now?" The small voice chimed through the closed door.

They both let go of a light breathy laugh, too exhausted to answer the child.

"Daddy, are you awake?" Sam called again loudly, loud enough to wake the sleeping baby.

"We'll be out in a minute Sam. Can you go talk to Eli for mommy so he won't cry?" Kate called back, immediately uncomfortable for having referred to herself as mommy to Sam.

"I'm sorry Jack, it just came out." Kate said.

"If I do will you make me some breakfast mommy?" Sam called back.

Jack smiled at Kate and moved his hands softly over her back.

"Sam, how about if daddy makes breakfast for you and mommy?" Jack asked.

"No, you don't make good waffles like mommy does." Sam answered, making Kate giggle.

"I'll be out in a few minutes Sam and yes I'll make you some waffles." Kate called.

"Hurry up guys! We have to see what the Easter Bunny bringed!" Sam insisted as the baby began fussing louder.

"Sam, your brother needs you. Please." Kate said.

"Okay, I'm going, but hurry." Sam groaned and shuffled away from the closed door.

They lay quietly and listened to the baby monitor, heard Sam begin to talk to and play with Eli and then looked at each other. They were still connected and she sat up slowly, keeping him inside of her. She ran a finger slowly down the center of his chest, rotated her hips gently over him and smiled at him.

"I'll get the baby, but you're going to have to let go of me first." Jack told her and chuckled as she shot him a pout.

"That's pretty irresistible babe, but even if the kids didn't need us at the moment, I wouldn't be able to wipe that pout off your face. You wore me out." He said and lifted her off of him.

She moved to the side and he sat up and kissed her softly.

"Did you remember to put Sam's Easter stuff out?" Kate asked.

"You said you were going to do it." Jack replied.

"Yeah, but then the baby started fussing and we agreed I'd take care of Eli while you…..oh shit Jack, is his stuff seriously still in the closet?" Kate asked close to tears.

"Okay, let's not panic. I'll go stall Sam while you put his stuff out." Jack said, moving off the bed quickly and putting some pants on.

Jack was out the door before Kate had a chance to finish closing the robe around her. She waited until she could hear Jack in the nursery with the two boys, grabbed Sam's Easter goodies out of the closet and moved quickly into the dining room where the child's empty basket sat. She shuddered as she considered how traumatized he would've been if he'd gone to check the basket before he woke them and then went to work filling the basket.

Kate entered the nursery and stopped for a moment, the sight making her feel warm and fuzzy from head to toe. Jack sat in the rocking chair with Eli on his chest and Sam curled up in his lap. They were discussing the new car Sam wanted for their train project, Jack knowing it would be waiting for the child in the Easter basket, but teasing Sam by acting like he'd forgotten how much he wanted it.

"I'll just ask Grandpa to buy it for me." Sam finally declared, not amused by his father's game.

"Maybe, but I can tell grandpa not to buy it." Jack continued to torment the child.

"Nuh uh, he's your dad, you can't tell him what to do." Sam stated very matter-of-factly.

"I guess he told you." Kate giggled and entered the room.

"She's up daddy, can we please go see what the Easter Bunny bringed?" Sam begged.

"Okay, let's go." Jack agreed.

Sam jumped out of Jack's lap excitedly and was out the door before anyone had a chance to object. Kate leaned in, kissed him and moved her mouth to his ear.

"You have no idea how sexy you are right this minute. Your exhausted body is damn lucky there are children underfoot that are keeping me from having my way with you." She whispered and then straightened up, taking note of how hard he'd just swallowed and the look on his face

"You do realize I'm going to be walking around in a state of constant arousal all day after that don't you?" Jack groaned.

"Mmm, lucky me later on." Kate giggled and took the baby from him.

By the time they made their way out into the dining room Sam had already dumped the basket of goodies and had chocolate all over his face and hands. Jack pried the half eaten chocolate rabbit out of his hand and took him into the kitchen to wash the chocolate off of him.

"Sam, we have rules about candy before you've had anything to eat." Jack reminded him.

"But it's Easter daddy." Sam argued.

"Doesn't matter what day it is son, the rules still apply. No more candy until you've had some breakfast." Jack told him.

"I don't want breakfast, my stomach feels yucky." Sam said.

"My stomach would feel yucky too if I consumed a pound of chocolate for breakfast." Jack said as he wiped the child's face and hands clean.

"The Easter Bunny brought me the car for the train. Can we go hook it up daddy?" Sam asked as he held his stomach with his hands.

"Are you…" Jack started to ask right before the child threw up all over him.

"I'm sorry daddy." Sam whimpered and started to cry.

"It's okay, don't cry. Let me clean up the floor and we'll go take a shower." Jack spoke softly and looked at Kate, the concern in his eyes evident.

Sam continued to throw up throughout the morning until he was dry heaving so hard he couldn't catch his breath. Jack kept a prescription of anti-nausea medication on hand, using it as a last resort to bring the child some relief when Sam would suffer a bout of vomiting, which was too often as far as Jack was concerned. Sam lay on the couch in his boxers, curled up in a ball, the medicine calming his stomach and allowing him to finally rest. Jack sat beside him rubbing a soothing hand over the child's back, watching the boy's eyes slowly open and close as he fought the sleep the drug would eventually force him to succumb to.

"I hate being sick daddy." Sam whispered.

"I know buddy. Close your eyes and rest and you'll feel better when you wake up." Jack said.

"I want to see grandpa." Sam argued, his eyes now so heavy he could barely fight it.

"You'll get to see him, I promise." Jack assured him.

"What about the egg hunt?" Sam asked.

"You can still go if you feel like it." Jack answered.

"I'm cold daddy." Sam said so softly Jack barely heard him.

Jack put a blanket over him and smiled as he watched the boy stretch out, roll onto his stomach and give up the fight, falling into a deep sleep. He left the boy sleeping and went looking for Kate. He found her in the nursery watching the baby sleep. He moved in behind her and wrapped his arms around her.

"Hey." He said.

"Is he finally resting?" Kate asked.

"Yeah, he should be out for a couple of hours at least." Jack said.

"That's the third time this month Jack." Kate said.

"He's got a nervous stomach Kate." Jack sighed.

"Bullshit. I saw that look on your face in the kitchen. You think there is something seriously wrong with him." Kate said, breaking away from him and leaving the room.

He followed her into the kitchen, watched her busy herself with anything she could find so she wouldn't have to talk to him and finally took hold of her arm to stop her and make her look at him.

"Why are you mad at me?" He asked.

"Because you're keeping things from me." Kate said.

"Kate, no I'm not. Yes, I am concerned about Sam, but not because I believe he's got some serious illness. I'm concerned because this is most likely tied into his emotional issues and if I don't do something to make everything okay for him he's going to spend his childhood puking his guts up." Jack explained in a frustrated tone.

"Most likely? Jesus Jack, you're a doctor. If he were your patient is that what you would tell his parents?" Kate asked.

"Yes, I would. He has no other symptoms and he's perfectly fine in-between the vomiting events, which tells me that it's emotional. Whether it was brought on by being overly excited this morning or whether Easter brings back some traumatic memory for him is anyone's guess, but Kate, I see nothing going on with him that sets off any alarms and makes me believe the vomiting is a symptom of something more serious." Jack said.

"Do you promise?" Kate asked.

"I promise, but if it will make you feel better we can take him to his pediatrician tomorrow." Jack said.

"Do you think he needs to see a doctor?" Kate asked.

"Kate, I've been sitting him with for the past three hours and I'm a pretty good doctor by the way." He said with a wink, making her smile.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

"You never got your morning coffee. Would you like me to make you some?" She offered and then giggled when he pulled her closer and began kissing her neck.

"Both kids are asleep and my father won't be here for at least another two hours. I'm ready for you to have your way with me. Let's go to bed." He said with a sexy grin.

"What if I don't want to go bed?" She asked as he continued to kiss and nibble at her neck.

"Then a cup of coffee sounds pretty good." He said happily.

"Just like that huh? You're not going to pout if we don't have sex?" She asked.

"No, the longer we wait the better the outcome for you." He teased.

"You're kind of cocky Dr. Shephard." Kate laughed.

"Maybe I'm just confident, I'll let you decide." He said, swatting her gently on the bottom and moving away from her to make the coffee.

She watched him pour the water into the coffee maker and put the carafe in place before moving in and wrapping her arms around him from behind. He loosened the grip she had on him so he could turn to face her.

"I thought you didn't want to have sex right now." He said and smiled at her.

"Oh, I do, but your son is only down for his short nap at the moment, 30 minutes tops, and I need more than 30 minutes to have my way with you." She said in a sexy tone and kissed him, laughing at the light groan that escaped from him.

He pulled her close and kissed her deeply, pulling back for air before deepening it further and then finally pulling away, leaving her dazed and breathless.

"I bought you a present." He said.

"Is it an Easter bonnet?" She asked.

"No, it's Easter lingerie." He chuckled.

"Sounds like you bought you a present." She teased.

"No, it's tasteful, soft and pretty, just like you." He said.

"What did I do to deserve a present?" She asked.

"You deserve a present every day." He answered.

"That's so sweet. What's gotten into you today?" She asked and laughed lightly.

"Nothing, I just love you………a lot." He said and smiled at her.

"I love you a lot too, but why do I get the feeling the new lingerie is for the weekend getaway you've got in mind where you can spend all of your time taking it off of me?" She asked and giggled when he smiled sheepishly at her.

"Guilty as charged." He said.

"What did you have in mind?" She asked.

"Vancouver." He said.

"I hear it's beautiful, but that's kind of far for a weekend getaway." She said.

"I thought maybe we could do a long weekend. I'm considering accepting a position at a hospital there." Jack said softly and closed his eyes as he waited to get blasted.

When the blast didn't come he opened his eyes and looked at her. She didn't seem shocked or angry, just deep in thought.

"You want to get Sam away from Carrie." She finally said.

"If I don't do something Kate, this is going to end badly; I can feel it in my gut. I lay awake at night imagining all kinds of terrible things and when I watch Sam struggle with his stomach issues because he's so worked up all the time, I feel like I'm failing him." Jack said.

"So what makes you think she wouldn't just follow us wherever we went?" Kate asked.

"Because I'd lie to her about where we're going and by the time she realized it we'd be tucked away safely in some other country and she wouldn't know where to start looking." Jack said.

"Some other country? You mean I have other choices besides Vancouver?" She asked with a gleam in her eyes.

"Yes, lots of choices. I can't believe you're being so agreeable, I thought you'd be mad." Jack said.

"Why would I be mad? You and Sam and Eli are the only thing keeping me in Los Angeles Jack, it's not like I have family here or even that many close friends and I want Sam to have some peace in his life just as much as you do." Kate said.

"Great, I'll see if Rick and Christy will keep the kids for us or at least the baby, my dad would probably be willing to hang out with Sam." Jack said.

"Your dad is wonderful with him. I can't believe he's taking him to his country club today, but you should see the adorable slacks and loafers I bought for Sam to wear." Kate said.

"An Easter Egg hunt on the greens sounds like a good time for the kids and who would've thought such a stuffy place would actually invite sticky screaming children in for the day." Jack chuckled having been to the country club with his father once or twice and finding the atmosphere too snobby for his liking.

Sam slept for nearly two hours, waking up just a few minutes before Christian arrived. He was sitting in the kitchen in his boxers sleepily eating a bowl of soup, but perked up as soon as he saw his grandpa enter the room.

"I'm done mommy, I want to get dressed." Sam said excitedly.

"Finish your lunch Sam, we have plenty of time." Christian said, rustling the boy's hair and then looking toward Kate the baby.

Kate looked at him for a moment and smiled.

"Why don't you take Eli and go find Jack while I help Sam get dressed." Kate said and shoved the baby into his arms before he had a chance to object.

Christian steadied the infant in his arms and looked at Kate.

"Where is Jack?" He asked.

"He went out the back door about 20 minutes ago. He's either talking to Rick or he's inside that building." Kate said.

"Daddy promised we would hook up the new car together!" Sam whined.

"Your new car is right there Sam. Don't worry, he wouldn't think of playing with the trains without you." Kate assured him.

Christian secured the baby comfortably in his arms and walked outside to look for Jack. He found him in the building messing with one of the controllers for the rapidly growing model train layout.

"You're going to need a bigger building." Christian commented.

"Hey dad." Jack said.

"This is pretty impressive Jack and also very large." Christian said and handed the baby to Jack.

"Yeah, we're up to five trains running all at once now. I'm thinking a major collision is bound to happen sooner or later." Jack chuckled and adjusted the baby on his shoulder, patting his back lightly.

"Sam looks a little weak, is he sick?" Christian asked.

"He had another one of his vomiting episodes this morning, but seems to be okay now." Jack said.

"Are you sure? I'd rather not do this if he's not up to it." Christian said.

"He'll be fine dad and he's looking forward to it. Please don't disappoint him." Jack sighed.

"Did you tell her yet?" Christian asked.

"Yeah, she's fine with it, actually kind of excited about it." Jack said.

"I noticed Sam is calling her mommy now. You've got a nice thing going Jack." Christian said, his tone suggesting it was more of a warning than an observation.

"I know dad and I'm doing everything I can to make sure they're safe." Jack grumbled.

"Are you?" Christian asked.

"I can't just pick up and leave on a whim dad, I've got to make sure I've got a job to go to and a house to put them in and it all has to be done secretly so that psycho bitch can't find us." Jack snapped, the frustration he was feeling over the situation obviously much worse than he was letting on to Kate.

"Jack we've discussed this. Just go. Between the two of us we've got enough money to get you settled and keep you settled until all the pieces fall into place." Christian urged.

"You just want me to pack up my family and move to France? Just like that. No goodbyes, no proper resignation, no future employment and no place to live. How am I supposed to do that?" Jack asked anxiously.

"I've got a summer home there. You can use it until you get settled. Just get your passports and go Jack. Leave all this behind. I'll pack it up and sell the house for you." Christian pleaded with him.

"I can't just take up residence in another country dad. There are rules and laws that have to be followed." Jack stressed.

"Would you please for once in your life stop stressing over the details and just do this. All of that can be worked out once you get there." Christian said.

"What about you? I finally have my father in my life and now I'm just supposed to move on?" Jack asked.

"She's dangerous Jack. You need to get your family and get away from here and let me deal with her. When it's all over and I feel like she's given up on the idea of ever finding you, I'll come visit you." Christian told him.

"Okay, I'll run it by Kate and if she agrees we'll see about getting passports in the morning." Jack finally agreed.

"Good. Now let's go see if that grandson of mine is ready to impress the country club crowd." Christian said.

"Please don't let him get within earshot of any negativity." Jack pleaded.

"What negativity. I've seen the other children. They're homely little things and Sam, well, what can I say, he's handsome, just like his grandfather. They'll all be jealous." Christian said and winked.

"Thanks dad……….for everything." Jack said as he followed him out the door and locked it.

"I can't give you back your childhood Jack, but I can make what's left of this lifetime better for both of us." Christian said and patted Jack on the shoulder.

They entered the house and sat down in the living room. Kate and Sam entered the room a few minutes later. Jack smiled at how incredibly cute the child looked in his navy blue slacks, white polo shirt with thin navy blue horizontal stripes, tucked in, a belt, navy blue socks and a pair of dark loafers. Kate had used just enough gel on his hair to get it to stay in place perfectly. He looked like a perfectly handsome little man.

"You look great kiddo. The girls will be following you around all day." Christian said.

"Girls are yucky grandpa. They smell funny." Sam grumbled making Jack laugh lightly.

Jack and Kate walked outside with Christian and Sam. Jack was holding the baby in one arm and had the other around Kate. Sam was just about to climb into Christian's car and stopped.

"Wait grandpa I forgot my basket. Mommy! I forgot my basket!" Sam yelled at the top of his lungs.

"I'll go get it sweetie, go ahead and get in the car." Kate yelled back and entered the house.

With Sam finally tucked safely into the car, Easter basket in hand, Christian positioned himself comfortably in the car, talking to Sam although neither Jack nor Kate could hear what he was saying to him. They stood together on the porch and watched. Kate looked over at their fussy son and smiled at Jack.

"I'm wearing the present you bought me. How about we feed the munchkin, put him down for a nap and I have my way with you." Kate said in a seductive tone.

Jack swallowed hard, gave one final wave to his father and son and escorted his seductive and horny wife into the house, the door closing behind them and neither noticing that Carrie had witnessed it all, heard Sam call Kate mommy and was now following Christian's car as he slowly made his way out of the neighborhood.


	32. Chapter 32

The bedroom floor displayed the evidence of the frenzied act, of the hunger that led to clothes being pulled away and tossed, landing in various locations on and around the bed. She lay on her back in the center of the bed, his body hovering over hers, his hips grinding slowly and deeply into hers while his hand held firmly to the fleshy part of her thigh and hip, squeezing hard with each purposeful thrust and then releasing when he pulled back. They'd been fucking for what felt like hours and both were beyond the point of exhaustion as they worked toward a mutual climax. The light blue bra and panties he'd bought for her were just as he said, tasteful, soft and pretty. They were also apparently a one time thing since she'd managed to work him into such a frenzy he tore both garments in order to get them out of his way. She didn't care though, the idea that she could make him want her that bad made her want him just as bad and it typically led to the kind of sex they were currently enjoying. They'd both be satisfied for quite a while and probably a little sore when this ended. That was her final thought before the orgasm took hold of her and they both stilled and held onto each other while their tired sticky bodies tumbled over the edge together.

He stayed inside of her, all of his weight on his folded arms and his face buried in the pillow. He could feel her fingers moving slowly over his sweaty back and down, caressing the cheeks of his ass and making him stir.

"I can't move." He said softly.

"That's okay, I'm in no hurry for you to move." She said and kissed the top of his shoulder.

After a few more minutes he raised his head and looked at her. He kissed her softly and smiled.

"Do you have any idea how much I love you?" He asked.

"Yes." She said confidently and grinned, making him laugh lightly.

They moved off the bed, enjoyed a hot bath together, dressed and piddled around the house waiting for Christian and Sam to return so they could all go out to dinner together. They were next door talking with Rick and Christy and watching their kids hunt for Easter eggs when the police cruiser pulled into the driveway. Jack felt his heart jump into his throat and froze for a few seconds before handing the baby to Kate and walking across the lawn toward the two police officers that were exiting the police crusier.

"Can I help you?" Jack managed to get the words out even though he wanted to turn and run in the other direction.

"We're looking for Jack Shephard." One of the officers said.

"I'm Jack Shephard." Jack said and stopped in front of them, Kate, Rick and Christy coming up behind him.

"Mr. Shephard, there's been an incident at the Rolling Oaks Country Club and we need you to come with us." The cop told him.

"What kind of an incident?" Jack asked.

"Sir, we just need you to come with us." The cop insisted.

"No! I'm not going anywhere with you until you tell me what's happened?" Jack refused.

"There was a shooting and an apparent kidnapping. According to witnesses, the man who was shot is your father, a Mr. Christian Shephard. The woman who shot him took the boy, who according to witnesses the man was trying to protect." The cop explained and opened the door to the police cruiser so Jack could sit down.

"My son, the boy is my son. Is my father okay?" Jack asked his mind spinning as he tried to grasp what was happening.

"You're father suffered a gun shot wound to the chest and to the head. He was taken to the hospital and I haven't received an update, but I'll be honest sir, it didn't look good." The cop spoke softly, but professionally and put a comforting hand on Jack's shoulder.

Kate was breaking down and nearing hysterics and the man she needed to calm her was too close to being broken himself to lean on. Christy took the baby from Kate while Rick tried to comfort her.

"Mr. Shephard I know this is hard, but there's more. A car fitting the description of the one the woman was driving was involved in a very serious accident. The woman and the boy inside the car were taken to St. Sebastian's hospital. I need you to come with me and tell me if the boy is your son." The cop said.

"How bad is it? My son……is he alive?" Jack asked.

"I don't know Mr. Shephard. Please, just come with us now." The cop continued, trying to keep the situation as calm as possible.

Jack felt numb and with a blank stare nodded at the policeman.

"I'll get my keys and follow you." Jack mumbled and started to stand.

"Sir, I don't think that's a good idea. Please, just come with us. We need to hurry and you're in no condition to drive." The cop insisted and pushed him back down onto the seat.

"Kate?" Jack said and looked at her.

"Go with him Kate, we'll take care of Eli." Rick said and helped her into the car.

The police officer closed the door beside Kate and walked with Rick around to the driver's side of the car.

"If they've got family you can call you should probably do that. His father was barely alive when they took him away and his son……well, I don't think this is going to end well and they're going to need some emotional support." The cop told Rick.

Rick and Christy watched the police cruiser back out of the driveway and take off, sirens blazing. Rick told Christy what the cop had told him and after comforting his wife decided he was the closest thing to family that Jack and Kate had and left for the hospital.

Jack had enough time to absorb the painful information and for the shock to wear off on the ride to the hospital. When the police officer opened the door of the cruiser Jack was out and entering the emergency room before the cops had a chance to stop him. They helped Kate out of the car and tried to hurry her along.

"We should catch up to him before he makes a scene." The cop said.

"He works at this hospital. There will be no scene." Kate said sadly, her gut telling her that this wasn't going to end well and that she needed to pull herself together and be strong for Jack.

Jack barged into the trauma bay just in time to hear his son's time of death being called. He froze for a moment, taking in the chaos around him. Two ER doctors were still working feverishly on a woman, the man in the middle, his father, dead and left unattended so that the other emergencies could be tended to. His little boy, a blood soaked bandage covering his head, his shirt cut away and a vent tube still in his mouth lay lifeless on the table just a few feet away. A loud buzzing sound was swimming through his head. He could hear people calling out to him, but couldn't respond. He was so angry and he was sure his heart had exploded, the intense sadness that was taking over every one of his senses the most overwhelming thing he'd ever experienced. He could feel himself being tugged at, being pulled away and he pushed through the buzzing sound.

"No!" He yelled and shook the two doctors off of him

He walked to the gurney where Sam lay lifeless, his sweet face white, a look of fear forever etched into his delicate features. He reached for the vent tube and the doctor stopped him.

"Jack, please don't do that. You know the tubes have to stay until the coroner arrives." The doctor spoke softly, cautiously.

"Fuck the coroner. Look at his skull. He was dead before the ambulance got to him." Jack growled and pulled the tube out of Sam's mouth.

Jack took the two halves of Sam's shirt and closed it over him, running a gentle hand over the boy's cheek.

"Look at his face, he was so afraid." Jack said sadly and lifted the child off of the gurney.

He cradled Sam in his arms and held him, his limp, lifeless body the worst thing Jack had ever felt, but he couldn't let him go, couldn't lay him back down, couldn't stand knowing that in his final moments Sam was afraid and completely alone. The ER doctors grabbed a stool and coaxed Jack toward it, finally getting him to sit down. He sat on the stool just a couple of feet from his father's body, holding his dead son and so close to being completely gone he had the attention of every available doctor and nurse in the ER. The scene was so heartbreaking many had to walk away, while others stood by cautiously, worried that he might pass out or go into a rage.

Kate entered the room and felt her heart break in a way she hadn't experienced since Jeffrey died, but somehow she found the strength to keep it together and approached Jack. She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and he looked up at her, his sad, empty eyes pleading with hers for answers she didn't have. She put her hand on the back of neck and pulled him toward her, trapping Sam's lifeless body between them and he finally broke down, one arm clutching desperately to her while the other held desperately to Sam. Rick stood in the open doorway and watched them closely, impressed with how together Kate seemed to be and deeply concerned about where Jack was mentally.

Rick heard the monitors going off on the other side of the room and the nurse yelling that she was crashing and everything seemed to move in slow motion after that. Jack pulled away from Kate and delicately laid Sam on the gurney next to Christian. He moved toward the sounds of crisis on the other side of the room, but not with intent to help. He grabbed the paddles out of the trauma surgeon's hands and shoved him out of the way.

"Let her die." Jack said flatly.

"Jack, come on man, you don't mean that. Get out of the way and let me do my job." The surgeon insisted only to be roughly pinned up against the nearest wall.

"She killed my son and my father. She doesn't get to live." Jack spat angrily.

It took Rick and the two policemen to pull Jack off of the surgeon and away from the woman. He was in a full blown rage and fighting them with the strength of three men. They finally managed to pin him to the floor while one of the ER doctors injected him with a sedative. The long, loud beeping sound of a heart monitor hooked to a patient with no heartbeat the last sounds he heard before the sedative rendered him unconscious.

He opened his eyes to darkness. His legs and arms felt heavy, too heavy to move them. He was on a bed, his bed. He was in his bedroom. He moved around some and called out for her. He heard a door open and light flooded the room forcing him to squint against the painful intrusion. He heard her voice assuring him everything was okay and felt a stick in his arm. He turned his head toward the pin prick. Everything was fuzzy, the shape of a man pushing the medicine into his arm all his brain could register. He struggled awhile longer, his eyelids becoming as heavy as his legs and arms and then he was out again.

"We can't keep him drugged forever Rick." Kate said sadly and tucked the blanket back around him.

"Just for tonight Kate. He's suffered a terrible shock and his brain needs to rest and heal from that." Rick said.

"He's never going to heal from this Rick." Kate said and walked out of the room.

Jack stumbled out of his bedroom the next morning, confused and desperate. He went to Sam's room, found it empty and began calling for him. Kate met him in the hallway, grabbing him by the arms and steadying both of them.

"I can't find him Kate." Jack told her.

"He's gone baby, he's gone." Kate told him and went with him as he dropped to his knees.

They sat in the hallway holding on to one another, rocking slowly back and forth and sobbing for 10 or 15 minutes, both finally going silent and seemingly content to stay where they were and just hold on for dear life. After another 10 or 15 minutes, Jack let go of her, stood, held his hands out and pulled her to her feet.

"I'm sorry." He said softly.

"Why?" She asked.

"I went a little crazy. I'm okay now." Jack said.

"Jack." Kate said and tried to caress his face, only have her hand pushed away.

"Don't Kate. I'm fine." Jack said and walked away.

He wasn't fine. He never shed another tear after that day and remained eerily calm. He made the funeral arrangements and stoically sat through the double funeral, his father and son buried side by side, his ex-girlfriend's cremated remains never claimed. Following the burial, he sat in his living room, bottle of water in hand and nodded as friends with the best of intentions repeated the same offer of help should he need anything. Rick told Kate that Jack was in shock, and that it would wear off eventually, but Kate knew better. Jack had shut down emotionally.

It wasn't Kate who would self-destruct or blame herself and her idea that she was a jinx for what had happened to Sam. Kate couldn't self-destruct because Jack was for all intents and purposes blown to bits, no longer talking or feeling or showing any sign that he still wanted to be a member of the human race and she was probably the only person in his life that understood what it was like to feel that way.

In the months following the death of his father and son, Jack grew more and more distant, his infant son, no longer someone he was interested in nurturing, his wife no longer a friend or lover. He worked as many hours as his body could stand, coming home long after Kate the baby had gone to sleep, crawling into bed with her and turning onto his side away from her.

Kate did her best to remain patient with him. Jack was not only grieving the loss, he blamed himself and was haunted day and night by the look of fear that was forever etched onto the face of his child. Whatever caused the accident, Sam saw it coming and his reaction was caught like a snapshot, his death instant and his face forever frozen in the moment. The attempts to revive him were futile, but standard procedure, Jack knew that the moment he saw him. He wouldn't allow a viewing of his father or his son, pictures of happiness displayed on their caskets instead.

Jack withdrew more and more each day, climbing back into the cocoon that had kept him protected from emotional pain the majority of his life, the tragedy too much for him, the pain unbearable, the inability to ever forgive himself for failing his child sucking the life out of him and his marriage. About four months after Sam's death he came through the door well after midnight. Kate was pacing across the living room floor with Eli who was screaming and inconsolable. She was on him before he had a chance to set his briefcase down.

"Where the hell have you been?" She screamed.

"I was at the hospital." Jack answered and moved past her.

"I've been trying to call you and page you for the past three hours Jack!" She continued to scold him.

"What's wrong?" He asked and turned to face her again.

"You mean besides the fact that you're never here and never pay any attention to your son or your wife?" She spat angrily.

She hadn't wanted to go there, but she had become so distraught over their situation and had been pacing with a sick baby for hours and she needed him to snap out of his funk if only for one night.

"Kate, what's wrong with the baby? Is he sick?" Jack sighed, not willing to fight with her.

"You're the doctor Jack, why don't you tell me." Kate snapped.

Jack took the screaming infant from her and carried him to the nursery. He laid him on the changing table and began examining him.

"He's warm. Have you taken his temperature?" Jack asked, his tone clinical.

"It was a 103 the last time I took it." Kate said.

"Which was when?" Jack asked and massaged his forehead with his fingers, obviously tired and doing his best to remain calm and in control.

"About an hour ago and I gave him some Tylenol." Kate said.

Jack grabbed the thermometer from one of the shelves on the changing table and took the baby's temperature. He studied the reading and poked and prodded the crying baby a little more.

"It's still a 102. You got him?" Jack asked and stepped away from the table.

"Where are you going?" Kate asked.

"To back the car out of the garage, he's got an ear infection that can't wait until morning. I'll meet you in the car." Jack said.

Jack watched her put the sleeping infant in his crib, waited to see if he was going to stay asleep and then made his way down the hallway to their bedroom. He was stripping out of his clothes when she entered the room.

"How did you know he had an ear infection?" Kate asked.

"I didn't, I assumed based on the high-pitched screams, the redness, the tenderness to the touch and the high fever. He'll be fine Kate." Jack said softly.

"He misses you Jack." Kate said.

"He's fine." Jack stated flatly.

"I miss you." She said sadly.

He looked up in time to see the tear roll down her cheek. After a brief hesitation, he pulled her into his chest. He could feel the warm tears on his bare skin and kissed the top of her head.

"I'm sorry Kate. I'll try to do better." He said softly.

She looked up and kissed him, trying to get him to engage, but as soon as she tried to deepen the kiss he pulled back and put distance between them.

"I'm really tired Kate and I have a surgery in the morning." He said and climbed into the bed.

About six months after the tragedy Jack came home earlier than usual, planning to talk to Kate and suggest they go their separate ways, not wanting to drag her down with him any longer. Excited that he was coming home early and hoping it was the beginning of a healing process for them she prepared a nice dinner for them complete with candles and wine. He took one look at the dinner and the candles and the deep, unconditional love she still felt for him evident in her eyes and he never got the chance to have that talk with her.

They enjoyed their meal and she even managed to get him to smile a couple of times as they talked, or as she talked and he did his best to listen. She cuddled against him and touched him and kissed him and finally managed to seduce him. It was the first time they had attempted to have sex since the day of the tragedy and when it was over she wished she'd just left him alone. He tried to give her what she wanted from him and tried to make it good for her and while it wasn't a loveless act because he would always love her regardless of how hard he was trying not to, there was no passion, no lust and no desire. He'd become a robot in every single facet of his life and she just wanted him to finish and get off of her. He sensed that and moved off of her without finishing.

"We can't continue to live this way Jack." She said sadly.

"I know." He agreed.

"We should find someone to talk to." She suggested.

"No." Jack refused.

"Jack, please, we have to do something." She pleaded with him.

"I agree. You and Eli need to get on with your lives." Jack said and move out of the bed.

She watched him pull his boxers on and disappear into the closet. He resurfaced a few minutes later dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and he had a suitcase in his hand.

"Jack, please don't do this. I know you're hurting and that you're angry and I want to help. I love you." She told him.

"Don't love me Kate." He said sadly and began throwing clothes into the suitcase.

"How am I supposed to stop loving you?" She cried.

She sat in the bed with the sheet covering her and watched him pack a bag, refusing to look at her because his resolve wasn't strong enough to see the tears and the genuine hurt and sadness and not abort his mission. He closed the bag, sat on the bed and put his sneakers on. He stood, grabbed the bag and finally looked at her. He turned and walked away, stopping at the doorway, but not looking back.

"I'm sorry Kate." He said and walked out the door.


	33. Chapter 33

Kate never heard from Jack again after he walked out the door. About three weeks after he left she received a phone call from an attorney representing Jack, letting her know that he would be receiving monthly checks from Jack that were meant for Kate and Eli. Kate set up an account for Eli and told the attorney to deposit them into it. As much as she wanted to hate Jack for what he'd done and suggest he take his money and shove it up his ass, she couldn't because she understood where his head and his heart were and believed that he would come back to them eventually. She didn't need Jack's money, but she needed their son to know who he was and that he loved him so she set up the account for Eli and she kept pictures of Jack around and talked to him about his daddy at least once a day.

She stayed in the house, closing the door to Sam's bedroom and never opening it again. She found the new car that Sam had gotten for the train still in its package, took it outside, set it beside the elaborate train model layout and closed and locked the door, never opening it again. She and Eli visited the cemetery every Saturday. She'd bring fresh flowers for Christian and a new ninja turtle, power ranger, trading card, hot wheel, ect. for Sam. She would sit on the bench beside the two graves and talk to them about Jack and how he would be there if he could and then she would go home, put Eli down for his nap and then snuggle up with the bear that Sam used to sleep with, his scent all over it, both soothing and heartbreaking. She'd talk to Sam in those moments, grieve for him and cry for him and then do her best to put the pain on a shelf until it was Saturday again and she would allow herself a few hours to feel the grief.

It was how she managed to survive because the other six days and nights of the week she fought against the emptiness and the ache in her heart that Jack's absence caused, Eli being her saving grace through it all. He was a happy baby and was thriving, always in good health and good spirits and a complete joy to her during such a difficult time. She took pictures of him as he grew and made scrapbook after scrapbook detailing every important moment that Jack was missing. An outsider probably would've thought she was in denial and perhaps even a little crazy, but Kate believed in Jack and believed in their relationship and believed that he would eventually deliver that happy ending he'd always promised her.

She grew closer and closer to Rick and Christy, especially Christy who in the beginning she spent hours talking with and crying with, so overwhelmed with sadness some days that if Christy hadn't been there to catch her she was sure she would've fallen and never got back up again. It was Christy's idea to start the scrapbooks and who encouraged her to continue to believe in Jack regardless of what anyone said. Her brothers were angry, ready to hunt him down and force him to come home, but Kate made them see it her way, made them understand that Jack was in his own private hell and would come home when he was ready so they settled for keeping track of him for her so she would at least know he was alive.

She eventually went back to work part-time for CASA, needing something to distract her and needing to do something she felt was meaningful and making a difference. She couldn't save Jeffrey or Sam, but there were children she could save and was determined to do so.

It was a sunny, warm late afternoon in October. Kate entered the children's shelter, file folder in one hand, cell phone in the other and her head down. She walked right into him and was on the floor before she realized her clumsy mistake. She felt the strong hand on her arm just behind the elbow, helping her to her feet and when she finally looked up and made eye contact with the gentleman who was helping her to her feet, she was dumbfounded. She stared at him, surprised, excited, sad and breathless all at the same time. After a year, there he stood, face to face with her, looking as handsome as she remembered.

"Hey Kate." He finally said, snapping her out of her trance.

"Jack….what……how….my god, what are you doing here?" She said, unable to hold back the tears that came instantly.

The love she felt for him was as strong as ever and while she would've preferred to have handled seeing him again in a cooler, calmer fashion, she couldn't help herself. She immediately wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him and he hugged her back, holding her tighter than he wanted to allow himself and then finally backing away from her.

"I come by two or three times a week and check on the kids that are healing or the ones that have gotten sick." Jack said.

"How long have you been back in Los Angeles?" Kate asked.

"What makes you think I ever left?" Jack asked.

"Because I have brothers with a long reach who were able to tell me exactly what you were up to." Kate told him, making him smile for the briefest of moments, so brief she would've missed it if she had blinked.

"I've been back a little over 3 months." He admitted.

"And in never occurred to you to check on your family?" She asked sarcastically.

"I don't have a family Kate, not anymore, but I check on you and Eli, often." He said softly and tried to push past her, but her not letting him.

"So this is your new job?" She asked.

"No, I do this on my own time. I'm back at my practice and my hospital. I spend my free time at this shelter as well as a couple of the inner city ERs." He told her, his tone as blank and emotionless as his eyes.

"So this is your life now Jack, medicine and sleep whenever you catch some?" Kate asked.

"Pretty much." He said.

"Where are living?" She asked.

"Listen, I've got kids to look in on. It was great seeing you Kate." Jack said attempting to end their conversation as abruptly as it had started.

"Jack, wait. Do you have to be somewhere? Do you have plans? Can we go grab an early dinner after this and talk?" Kate asked.

Her suggestion seemed to suck all of the air out him for a moment. He looked around, not wanting to make eye contact with her, finally relenting and finding it impossible to tell her no once he did.

"Um yeah, sure, I'll meet you back here. Is a half hour good for you?" Jack asked.

"Tell you what, I'm just dropping this file off. How about I tag along with you while you play doctor and we can go whenever you're finished." Kate suggested, not willing to let him out of her sight.

"Okay." Jack replied with a light chuckle, her intuitive nature where he was concerned as keen as ever.

Kate walked along with him, neither saying much as he tended to sniffles, sore throats and cuts, bruises and broken bones that were on the mend. They entered a room that contained six bunks, a curly headed little girl was tucked away in one of them. He grabbed a chair and sat beside the bunk while Kate made herself comfortable on the bunk beside the child's. She glanced up at his face and noticed how his features had softened and how the small child smiling up at him seemed to bring life into his empty eyes.

"Hi Jack." The child said.

"Hey Hannah, I hear you've been running a bit of a fever." Jack said softly, sweetly.

"It's not so bad, they just get nervous and make me go to bed." Hannah explained, her tone suggesting she was mature beyond her years.

"Grown-ups." Jack sighed and rolled his eyes, his way of letting the child think he agreed the adults were being silly.

"They made me miss school." Hannah complained.

"I'm sorry. Sit up and let me listen, let's see if we can't get you back to school tomorrow." Jack said as he popped a thermometer into the child's mouth.

Hannah sat up and Jack gently moved his stethoscope over the child's back and then over her chest.

"See, I'm perfectly fine." Hannah mumbled, the thermometer making it difficult to understand her and making Jack smile the first genuine smile Kate had seen since she ran into him.

"Stop talking until it beeps. Lie down and let me get one more listen." Jack said.

The child laid back and Kate watched him move the stethoscope over the left side of her chest and then the right side, asking the child to take deep breaths and hold them. He pulled the stethoscope away and pulled the blanket back up to her chin. The thermometer beeped and pulled it out of her mouth and read it, shooting the child a serious look.

"I gotta go to the hospital." Hannah sighed.

Kate was amazed at the rapport they seemed to have.

"I'm sorry Hannah, but yeah, I think it's for the best." Jack said.

"Are you gonna be my doctor?" She asked.

"No sweetheart, but I will come by and make sure they're treating you right. Okay?" Jack offered.

"Jack, I'm tired of the hospital." Hannah said softly and let a tear escape.

"Hey now, where's the brave little girl that's always telling me I worry too much?" Jack asked and gently wiped her tears away.

"I'm tired today and don't want to be brave." Hannah said.

"That's understandable and it's okay. You don't always have to be brave. You are having a rough couple of months, but I'm going to make sure the infection is completely gone this time before they let you out so you won't have another set back. Okay?" Jack explained.

"Okay." She agreed.

Kate followed Jack out into the hallway, watched him make a phone call and then followed him to the office. The pretty blonde behind the desk smiled at him and stood. Jack motioned for her sit back down and stopped in front of her desk.

"Hannah needs to be admitted. I want you to take her to St. Sebastian's and when you get there ask for Nolan Richardson. He'll be expecting you." Jack told the woman.

"Jack that's a private hospital and won't take Hannah's state insurance." The woman argued.

"It's been taken care of." Jack said.

"Jack, I can't allow you to……" The woman continued to argue.

"Look, she's an eight year old kid that has spent the better part of the last two months with an infection in her lungs because she's not getting the appropriate treatment. Dr. Richardson will make sure Hannah gets what she needs and this time it won't come back six or seven days later. It's a done deal Bonnie, just take Hannah and get her taken care of." Jack insisted and escorted Kate out of the office.

He followed her to the office where she needed to drop her file off and they walked outside to the parking lot.

"Where are you parked?" He asked.

"I've spent most of the day downtown around the courthouses so I've been cabbing it." She told him.

"I guess I'm driving then." He said with just a hint of a tease in his tone before he returned to the stoic demeanor he'd been wearing since she bumped into him.

They drove in silence to the restaurant, both feeling uncomfortable and unsure. It was a favorite place they used to like to escape to on the beach. It was never overly crowded and offered the privacy they needed to have what both knew would be a difficult discussion.

They sat in the dimly lit restaurant, each enjoying an alcoholic beverage to take the edge off and studying one another intently. She noticed he was still wearing his wedding band and wasn't sure what to make of that, but she had never taken her rings off either and they were still married. The waiter took their order and she finally broke the silence between them.

"So France huh?" She asked.

"It was a temporary thing. My father had property there that needed to be taken care of." Jack said.

"Two months in a summer home in France? Takes a long time to take care of property I guess." She accused.

"No, it just took that long to get my paperwork together." He sighed.

"So are the women in France beautiful and sexy?" She asked, not sure why, but feeling an edginess and a need to pick at him and possibly get inside his head a little in the process.

"I wouldn't know." He mumbled.

"Oh come on Jack, two months in such a romantic place and I'm supposed to believe you never tested the waters?" Kate continued to push.

"Kate, I know you're angry and you have every right to be, but I haven't been with any woman since you, I swear. It's not even something I think about, much less desire. I spent my time in France touring their medical facilities and helping out where they'd let me and when my Doctors Without Borders paperwork came through I left." Jack answered in an edgy tone, frustrated with himself more than her.

"How was that?" Kate asked.

"It was incredible. I'd like to do it again. What've you been up to? I guess you're back with CASA?" Jack asked, forcing a nervous smile.

"I've been trying to maintain our home, raise our son and not hate you." Kate told him.

"You're still in the house?" Jack asked, surprised that she hadn't moved on yet.

"Of course I am Jack, where did you think we'd be? Do you really think I could've hoped to survive the last year without the emotional support I got from Christy and Rick?" Kate came back at him angrily and he backed away from the table reflexively.

"I'm sorry." He said.

"I believe you mean that and aren't just tossing some empty apology at me, but I need more than that Jack. What are you doing? Is France, Doctors Without Borders and now spending your time taking care of these children your penance?" Kate asked.

"I don't know Kate, I just know it gets me through the day, makes me feel like I'm doing something that matters, something that will make Sam's miserable existence on this earth have mattered." Jack admitted.

"Jack please don't do this to yourself. I did it to myself for too many years and trust me, going through this completely alone isn't a good road to travel. Sam's life wasn't all miserable. He loved you so much and the short time we had together was chocked full of special moments." Kate reasoned.

"I never would've imagined I could miss anything like I miss him." Jack sad sadly, his voice beginning to crack.

"I miss him too Jack, every day. He may not have been my biological son, but I loved him like he was and as much as I love you and understand what is going on with you, I also resent you for not considering that you weren't the only one grieving." Kate admitted, her voice cracking as well and a couple of tears slipping down her cheeks.

"Kate, I know you need and deserve more than an apology from me, but I can't do this with you, not now." He said, his voice desperate, almost panicked.

She could sense he was getting ready to bolt and realized just how screwed up he still was. He was hurting so much that he wasn't allowing himself to feel anything else, shutting down and shutting out everyone that he might possibly care about. Talking about the feelings she'd worked so hard to get him to open up to wasn't something he was prepared to do right now and maybe not ever.

"So what's with the little girl…..Hannah?" Kate asked in an attempt to calm him down.

Jack sensed what she'd just done and it was these things about Kate that he missed the most and beat himself up over the most. She was everything he ever could've wanted or needed and he was just throwing her away.

"I don't deserve you." He admitted.

"Yes you do. So are you going to tell me about Hannah?" Kate asked and smiled at him.

"I'm not sure about her history, but her illness, CF, keeps them from being able to place her. Cystic Fibrosis scares off any potential foster parents I guess. She's smart and very mature for her age, but most children with serious illnesses are typically wise beyond their years because they spend so much time in hospitals having their childhood stripped away from them." Jack said.

"Is it bad?" Kate asked.

"Bad enough and not getting the appropriate medical treatment isn't helping. She's been pretty sick the last couple of months. She's got a pretty great attitude though." Jack said and smiled.

"She seems to have latched onto you." Kate said and smiled back.

"No, she's like that with everyone." Jack shrugged it off.

"If you say so Jack, but I sensed a definite connection there." She said.

"If you did it was one-sided. I don't connect to people, not anymore." He said.

"Jack, I know you don't want to talk about what you're feeling, but you have to or it's going to destroy you. We have so much to talk about, first and foremost….were you ever going to let me know you were back?" She asked.

"Kate." Jack sighed.

"No Jack I'm not going to leave you alone. Part of me understands everything you're going through, but the part of me that loves you and needs you doesn't understand how you could just walk away and never give us a second thought." Kate said, her anger rising the surface again.

"Kate there hasn't been a day that's gone by that I haven't thought about you and Eli, but I can't be what you need me to be, so to answer your question, no I wasn't going to contact you." Jack said, remaining calm and detached.

"Take me home Jack." She insisted.

"What about your dinner?" He asked.

"I'm not hungry." She said and started to get up.

"Okay, hang on. I have to pay for the food whether you eat it or not." Jack said.

"Give me the keys. I'll wait in the car for you." She said.

He handed her his keys and waited for the server to return so he could pay the bill.


	34. Chapter 34

He walked out of the restaurant, saw her sitting in his car hurt and crying and felt the natural inclination to take care of her, soothe her and love her taking hold of him. Staying away from her was never easy, but it was manageable when he couldn't see her or the pain he was causing. This however was impossible. He loved her as much today as he ever had, those feelings not gone regardless of how hard he'd being trying to make them go away. He approached the car, opened the passenger door and squatted down beside her.

"Look at the view Kate. The sun's going down, the beach is empty and the water is fairly calm. Want to go take a walk?" He asked and held his hand out for her to either take hold of or slap away violently.

She glanced over at him, his eyes no longer empty, but soft and sincere, the Jack she used to know very much present in them at the moment. She slipped off her heeled shoes and took hold of his hand. He squeezed it, the familiar sense of calm and excitement that immediately ran through his body was comforting to him. He'd been trying so hard to deny himself the happiness that loving her brought and it took little more than the touch of her hand to make him realize that it had been a fool's quest.

He stood, removed his shoes and socks and tossed them into the back seat of the car. He helped her out of the car, both stepping off the pavement and into the sand, still holding her hand as they walked toward the incoming tide. The hand-holding soon turned into comfortable arms wrapped around each other's waist as they strolled quietly over the wet sand, letting the water lap at their feet. It was as if the last 18 months had never happened and for the moment they were the two people who loved one another deeply, who couldn't keep their hands off of one another and who leaned heavily on one another in good times and bad. They stopped and turned toward the water, taking in the view and both wishing they could capture the moment, bottle it and hang onto it forever.

They finally turned to face one another and he could see the hurt, worry, fatigue and sadness in her eyes and all over her face. She made eye contact with him and neither wanted to be the first to look away.

"Do you still love me Jack?" She asked.

"Yes." He answered without hesitation.

"Then why won't you come home?" She asked, her voice cracking and the tears starting again.

"Kate." He said.

"No Jack! No more of this! I'm tired and I can't do this alone anymore. I can't carry your load and wait for you to snap out of this destructive self-loathing phase you're in. I love you and I need you to come home. I miss you so much. I……I……How could you just leave us?!" She sobbed, slapping at his chest and becoming more and more worked up with every word.

He finally pulled her into his chest and held onto her, letting her cry and babble and say every hateful thing that he deserved to hear. He was drowning in the realization of how good it felt to hold her again. Even in the state she was in, she was triggering feelings and emotions in him he'd been trying to bury so deep nothing could ever revive them, but here they were as strong as ever, maybe even stronger.

She was trembling in his arms, a years worth of hurt, anger and sorrow pouring out of her all at once and his resolve was broken. He couldn't do this anymore, couldn't break her heart in his attempts to close his own off and deny himself happiness. He tightened his embrace and placed light comforting kisses on her temple.

"Shh…..it's going to be okay Kate. We'll figure this out." He spoke softly to her.

He held her for awhile longer, her body slowly settling down and her tears drying up. She finally pulled back and looked up at him, his eyes, his face and of course his mouth holding all of her attention. She licked her lips subconsciously and went up on her tip-toes, placing her hands on the sides of his head and gently closing her mouth over his. He froze for a moment and then kissed her back, gently biting her upper lip as the tip of his tongue poked softly at the slight opening between her lips. She opened her mouth and he deepened the kiss, pulling her closer and feeling his stomach tighten and his heart rate increase when she moaned into his mouth and gave herself over to him and him to her. It was the first no holding back, heartfelt affection he'd shown her since the day Sam died and she felt a calm, she hadn't felt since that day as he continued to kiss her.

They stood on the beach kissing like two lovers who had been separated by something so much more difficult than space and time, but who were slowly finding their way back to one another. The setting sun behind them framed them perfectly, a vision that could only be seen and appreciated by the casual passer by. They finally separated and walked hand in hand back to the car. They stood beside the car and he kissed her one more time.

"Can I buy you that dinner now?" He asked.

"I should get home. Christy has had Eli all afternoon." She said.

"Okay." He said and opened the car door for her, allowing her to get situated and then closing the door.

By the time he pulled into the driveway of the home they used to share, it was dark outside. He felt somewhat relieved because he wasn't ready for a neighborhood reunion. His relief would be short lived though.

"Do you want to walk next door with me to pick up Eli?" She asked.

"I'd rather not." Jack answered and sighed heavily.

"We can't figure this out Jack if you continue to avoid the things that scare you. Nobody in that house is going to crucify you Jack, they understand." Kate pushed, not willing to give him another day or week or month out of their lives to be ready to come back to her.

"Do you want to know what really scares me Kate?" He asked sadly.

"I want to know everything you're willing to share with me Jack." She said.

"That they will understand." He answered.

"Jack, don't do this to yourself." She said.

"It's my fault Kate, all of it and I deserve to be crucified, not understood. I don't want to be hugged and handled with kid gloves and understood. I want to be told what a lousy excuse for a husband and father I am and I want to be held accountable for every bad thing that happened to Sam and for my father being murdered. You all want me to be happy and move on with my life, but how can I? I don't deserve to be happy or to have a life with you and Eli." He spat angrily

"You've convinced yourself that if you hadn't left Carrie and had been around when Sam was born you could've protected him, but could you really Jack? Would you have married her and played house with her?" Kate asked.

"We'll never know will we?" He answered.

"So if you have no answer for that Jack, then how on earth can you sit here and hold yourself responsible for what happened to him." Kate asked.

"Because he was my son Kate and it was my job to be there for him and to protect him!" He snapped.

"Jack, you did everything you could." She said.

"No I didn't Kate. I should've been there." He argued.

"You believe you should've been with Sam that day instead of at home with me. I think about that every day Jack, but then I realize that would've just meant I'd be visiting three graves every Saturday instead of two. She was crazy Jack and she would've shot you too." Kate insisted.

"I wish she would've. Why should I still be here and an innocent six year old is in the ground?" He asked.

"I used to ask myself the same questions when Jeffrey was killed." Kate said.

"Yeah and what did you come up with?" Jack asked.

"I'm not sure those kinds of answers are ever revealed, but I think I've done a lot of good for children who needed a voice because of Jeffrey. The pain and suffering that I was enduring because of Jeffrey's death led me to you and I fell in love and learned to believe in and want things again and all that made me strong enough to bury another son and keep it together for you and for Eli. But Jack, a two year old baby being killed at the hands of his father will never make sense, so if that's what you're looking for you're going to spend the rest of your life miserably searching for an answer that doesn't exist." She said.

"That last night we spent together was pretty terrible Kate and I'm really sorry I couldn't give you what you needed, what you deserved." He apologized.

"That was just as much my fault as it was yours. I needed you to be you again and part of that meant that we could be as intimate as we'd always been, but you weren't ready to give into that yet. You weren't ready to allow yourself to be happy or to enjoy anything, especially making love when you were blaming yourself for what happened because you chose to stay home with me and make love over protecting your son, even though we both know it didn't go down that way." Kate said.

"You've been talking to Rick." Jack said.

"No, this is too personal to share with your neighbor, but yes, I did seek out a therapist and we talked quite a bit about you and it helped me to better understand what was happening to you, continue to believe in you and what we have, and believe that you would come back to us eventually." She told him.

"You know I used to be such a cocky son-of-a-bitch that loved to love women, but not actually fall in love with them. Now I'm not sure I'll ever be able to allow myself to physically enjoy the only woman I have ever been in love with. Is that really what you want Kate?" He asked.

"If that kiss on the beach was any indication of what you will allow yourself to enjoy Jack, I don't think recapturing our sex life is going to be an issue, but even if it is, I don't care. I just want you to come home. Please tell me that you aren't going to make me watch you drive away." Kate said.

"Tonight….now….you want me to come home right now?" He asked.

"Why not, you do live here after all. You've got a closet full of clothes and a wife and son that want and need you to walk back into our lives and they need you to do it tonight." Kate insisted.

"I bet he's big. What is he about 20 months old now?" Jack asked.

"Yes. He's walking and talking. We're not sure what language he's speaking, but he jibber jabbers pretty much nonstop." Kate teased making Jack laugh lightly.

She pulled out her cell phone, punched a few buttons and then held it up for Jack to look at. A dark-haired, chubby faced little boy with big green eyes filled the screen, making him smile. He took the phone from Kate and studied the picture for a moment.

"He's great. Can you ever forgive me for what I've done to the two of you?" He asked and continued to study the picture.

"Forgive you for what you've done to us or for what you've done to yourself? Either way Jack, I think it is you that needs to find a way to forgive yourself and not just for needing some time to lose your mind without dragging your family down with you. What happened to Sam and your father was a horrible and senseless tragedy, but it was not your fault. But to answer your question, yes, I forgive you." She said.

"Just like that, I'm forgiven?" He asked.

"I left once and you took me back with open arms and I have every intention of doing the same for you because like you said the night I came home, we're pathetic without each other and that's all that matters. We can work through this as long as we do it together." Kate said.

He sat quietly, staring at the picture, still torn, but more scared than unsure, the idea of walking back into the house and all of it becoming fresh and real again obviously weighing heavily on his mind.

"Do you want to come home Jack?" She finally asked.

He looked up from the phone, knowing that he had to look into her eyes before he could answer her honestly. He studied her as hard as he had been studying the picture of Eli and swallowed hard.

"Yes." He finally choked out, his eyes watery, his voice almost desperate.

She leaned in and hugged him and he hugged her back, holding her as tightly as he had at the beach, the air of neediness about him nearly breaking her heart. She pulled back and placed a comforting hand on the side of his face.

"If you don't want to come with me to grab Eli I'll understand, but I think Rick and Christy and the kids would love to see you and Eli, well he knows all about you, he's just been waiting for you to come home." Kate said and kissed him softly.


	35. Chapter 35

He entered the house and stopped, taking it all in, the familiarity and the emptiness. He'd opted not to go next door with her, not really in the mood to chat with the neighbors. He headed for the kitchen, turned the lights on and stopped, staring at the breakfast bar and remembering his first night with Sam, the night he'd stupidly let him go to bed alone and hungry and the night he'd made Sam the first of many peanut butter and purple jelly sandwiches. He felt the lump forming in his throat and the intense sadness threatening to take over and he swallowed hard and willed the emotions away, forcing them back into whatever deep, dark dungeon he'd been banished them to 18 months ago.

He quickly distracted himself the way he always distracted himself, by working. The work at the moment would be making dinner for Kate. He had to stay focused on her and everything would be okay or at least that was what he was telling himself to get through his first night back.

He heard giggles and the sound of small feet coming toward him and then he heard her, calling after the owner of the small feet. He looked up from the pot on the stove in time to see Eli toddle into the kitchen, squealing happily as Kate caught up to him and scooped him up from behind. The sight made him smile as she was glowing with the happiness he'd always wanted to see her experience when he agreed to adopt the baby. She held the squirming child and approached, peeking into the pot.

"Soup?" She asked.

"Yeah, I didn't know what he likes to eat and figured I couldn't go wrong with chicken noodle soup." He said.

"Eli, who is this?" Kate asked the little boy who studied Jack for a moment.

"Daddy." Eli answered.

"That's right buddy, daddy is home. Can you give him a hug?" Kate said.

"No! Down!" Eli screamed and fought against her.

"It's fine Kate. Let him down. We'll get acquainted, just not right this minute." Jack said, visibly uncomfortable and probably wanting to scream "No!" as loud as the child just had.

Kate let the child down and he toddled around the dining room, finding a toy car and busying himself with that.

"Want some help?" She asked.

"Nope, the grilled cheese sandwiches are almost done, so go sit down and put him in his chair and I'll bring it to you." Jack said.

"That's sweet, but he probably won't like it. He likes jelly sandwiches with the crust cut off. I'll make it." She offered.

"No Kate, I got it." He insisted.

She watched him grab the bread and open the refrigerator, staring for a moment and then pulling the jar of grape jelly out. He set the jar on the counter and pulled out two slices of bread. He struggled with the lid to the jar and then struggled to get just the right amount of jelly out of the jar, his hand shaking and causing a blob of jelly to fall off the knife and onto the floor.

"Fuck!" He growled.

"Fuck!" Eli immediately mimicked him.

He looked at the boy, looked at her and dropped the knife.

"I'm going to go take a shower…….can you?" He asked, obviously shaken and needing to retreat.

"Sure. Are you not going to eat?" She asked.

"No, I'm not hungry." He mumbled and walked out of the kitchen, the little boy following him at first and then giving up the quest when he couldn't get the big man's attention.

Kate fought the lump in her throat and the tears that were welling up. He was such a raw, open wound that hadn't even begun to heal and she felt so sad for him, for how difficult the task of dealing with grape jelly again had been and for how deep he'd buried all of the pain and rage, not allowing himself to feel anything his only way of coping with what his heart and mind couldn't handle. Denying himself happiness and love was his way of punishing himself because punishing himself made all of it manageable for him and allowed him to deny himself the basic human right to grieve, to feel sad and to cry, all of the normal emotional responses that help an individual find a way to eventually cope with loss. This was how her therapist and Rick both had described what Jack was going through to her. The fact that Jack had never shed a single tear after his initial breakdown and shock, his behavior toward Kate and Eli after the funerals and his eventual departure were the acts of a man who had chosen to shut down emotionally and instead chose to brand himself as the cause of all the pain and spend all of his time paying a penance for all the damage he'd convinced himself he had caused. Both the therapist and Rick warned Kate that while he was in this state he was a ticking bomb, a bomb that would have to eventually explode if he was ever going to be the man she knew prior to the tragedy again.

He was sitting in the room they'd made into an office for him back when he was adjusting to being a father and balancing his workload. He heard her enter the room and looked up from his laptop. Eli was bathed and in his pajamas and apparently ready for bed. She moved up beside him and he smiled at them.

"Hey." He said.

"Hey, it's bedtime and we thought we'd come say goodnight. Can you say goodnight to Daddy sweetie?" Kate said.

"No!" Eli whined and buried his face in her neck.

"Goodnight bud……um, Eli. We'll get to know each other a little better starting tomorrow." Jack said, rubbing his hand gently over the child's back

"I'm going to go soak in a hot bath after I put him down. Don't stay up all night." Kate said, leaning in for a quick kiss.

"I won't. I've just got to finish a couple of these reports." Jack said and watched her walk away.

She felt him slip into the bed beside her and looked at the clock beside the bed. It was 12:20 AM. She rolled onto her other side so she could talk to him.

"Those must've been some lengthy reports." She said.

"Yeah, there's a lot of paperwork involved with being a doctor and when you're moonlighting at other ERs and children shelters it gets to be a bit overwhelming some days." He spoke softly, tired and ready to sleep.

"Maybe you should hire another assistant." She suggested and moved to snuggle in beside him the way she used to, testing the waters and seeing if he'd try to push her away.

He didn't. He welcomed her and then wrapped his arm around her just like he had always done in the past, as if the act were so natural to him he didn't even have to think about it, surprising not just her, but him as well. She felt so good to him, too good and the urge to push her way crept in for a moment, but he resisted and allowed himself to feel it and to enjoy feeling it, wanting desperately to make everything okay for her again and perhaps even for himself although he wasn't ready to admit that.

Her soft, naked body curled up next to his began to trigger things he hadn't felt since…….well, in a very long time and he knew this was intentional, that she'd been lying in wait, ready to offer herself to him if he was ready, and surprisingly he was, the desire and the need to make love to her returning as though it too were the most natural thing in the world and he was confused about why or how this could be happening so quickly and so naturally when he'd worked so long to suppress all of this. Would it be wrong for him to come home after being gone for a year and fuck her the very first night? Shouldn't he have to earn this?

He felt her hand moving over his stomach and down, slipping in through the opening in his boxers and gently grabbing hold of the erection that had formed the minute he felt her naked flesh against his and it felt so good, and again so natural and he let go of a light moan before he had the chance to stop himself. She moved until she was on top of him, reaching over and turning the bedside lamp on, wanting to see his face and his body and wanting him to not hide in the dark from her, to want this as much as she did and she needed to see that in his eyes and there it was. Regardless of what Jack was ever trying to convey through his actions, his eyes always gave him away and revealed his true intentions and right now his eyes were filled with love, desire and lust and she immediately dropped her head and began kissing, sucking and biting at his neck.

"Kate, wait, shouldn't we……" He tried to protest.

She sat up straight, took hold of his hands and placed them on her breasts. She then placed a finger over his lips.

"Do you love me Jack?" She asked and he nodded in the affirmative.

"Then there's nothing to talk about. I'm going to make love to you and then you're going to make love to me and tomorrow we are going to start rebuilding our life together. Okay?" She said.

He moved his hands off of her breasts and sat up, putting his hands on her lower back and pulling her close until their torsos were pressed together. She reached between them, pulled him out through the opening in his boxers and placed his tip at her opening, slowly connecting with, the fit so tight they both hissed and moaned.

"Oh jesus Kate, I'm not going to last." He groaned as she began to slide up and down, the feeling of her wrapped tightly around him so familiar and so good that he began spurting inside of her immediately, the feeling too intense for him to hope to have any control, his first sexual encounter in over year over as quickly as it had started.

"Shh baby, it's okay, it's been a long time. Just enjoy it and the fact that I can make you come so quickly." She told him

"I've been such a failure Kate. I've let you down in ways I can never hope to make up for and now I can't even make our first time together in entirely too long any good." He told her, visibly upset that he'd spoiled this for her.

"Why Jack? Are you finished? Are you not going to make this good for me because I have to say, from where I'm sitting it feels pretty damn good. You ejaculated, but you're still hard as a rock. Come on baby, tell me what you plan to do next." She coaxed.

"Have I really become so pathetic that I need you to coach me through intercourse?" He asked, realizing he never minded relinquishing control to Kate when they made love, but only if they were mutually confident in their abilities.

"I don't know Jack have you?" She asked and let him slip out of her.

She pushed him backward onto the bed and moved down, taking his still hard cock into her mouth, sucking him enthusiastically if not a little too enthusiastically at times and coming close to rendering him helpless as he felt another orgasm building. He looked down and she looked up, their eyes locking as she slowed her efforts down and let him watch while she licked him like a lollipop, her hand holding him at the base, her naked body draped over his lower half, her tongue swirling over his shaft and swollen head, so beautiful and so seductive and he finally reached down and tried to stop her, but this only made her more determined to make him pop. She began massaging his balls and intensifying her efforts on his cock. It was pulsating on her tongue, the taste of what was about to happen beginning to seep out, his breathing no longer calm, but coming in short raspy pants as he fought to control the outcome. She pulled her mouth away and held him gently in both hands, rubbing his cock against her cheek, holding him close and begging him to come with her eyes.

She finally moved back up, placed his tip at her opening and let him fill her again like only he could. He was harder this time and bigger and she leaned forward, his thumb immediately on her clit, rubbing circles over it, watching her close her eyes, throw her head back and come hard. Her vagina clamping hard around him, making him gasp in what was the most pleasurable pain he'd felt in a very long time and when she was done he rolled her onto her back and pushed himself in as deep as he could go, making her moan in pleasure and grab onto his butt, holding him down and coming again. What had just happened hit her hard and she began to cry, so happy to have him back again.

He wiped the tears away and kissed her passionately, staying inside of her and not moving for the moment. He pulled out of the kiss, looked into her eyes and began his thrusts. Making love to her the way he always used to and not needing anyone to coach him through it. He was slow and gentle for awhile, but pounding into her wildly by the time the act was nearing completion, pounding her hips into the bed hard, sweating and groaning as she panted non stop for him to fuck her harder.

They both finally toppeled over the edge, moans, groans, squeals and profanity filling the air, the toddler down the hall sleeping through it all and when they were done they lay in the middle of the disheveled bed, naked and sweaty, their chests rapidly rising and falling as they worked to catch their breath. She finally moved to turn of the lamp and he stopped her.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"Don't you want to get some sleep Jack?" She asked.

"I'd rather lie here and enjoy your naked body for awhile and I can't do that if I can't see it." He admitted.

"Care to elaborate?" She asked in a soft, seductive voice. She had missed him so much that if he wanted to fuck her until she was so sore she couldn't walk she wanted him to.

"You like it when I tell you how you're going to get it, right before you get it don't you?" He replied, matching her seductive tone.

"Of course and so do you." She giggled.

"Yeah, I do, but tonight, I think I'm going to focus more on just pleasing you instead of making promises we might both get too exhausted to keep." He told her as he moved over the top of her again and locked his mouth firmly over one of her nipples.

They were back in their sexual element, the events of the past 18 months not a factor and neither wanting to allow it to be. They could talk about that during other less intimate moments, but this, this is what both of them needed at the moment, the rest, and there was a lot to deal with, could come slowly over the following days, weeks and months.


	36. Chapter 36

She could feel him gently shaking her while saying her name softly, but insistently. She opened her eyes to find him showered, shaved and dressed for work bent over the bed his hand on her shoulder.

"Are you awake?" He asked with a slight smile.

"Yeah, what are doing?" She asked.

"I need to go to the hospital. The baby is awake." He told her.

"Jack, it's Saturday." She protested.

"I know, but I need to check on a couple of patients and I've got a ton of paperwork at the office that needs my attention." He explained as Eli's cries for his mommy became louder.

"Can you please go grab him Jack?" She asked.

"I really need to go." He said.

"Five minutes Jack. I just need to put some clothes on and wake up. Will you please go grab him before he tries to climb out and falls?" Kate pushed.

Jack reluctantly agreed to tend to Eli while she got dressed. She entered the boy's room about 10 minutes later. Eli was still in his crib and Jack was handing him toys over the railing to appease him. She considered getting angry with his unwillingness to simply pick the child up and deal with him, but decided it had only been a couple of weeks and she needed to be more patient with him. She reached into the crib and lifted Eli out, setting him down and watching him toddle around the room.

"He's getting too big for that crib." Kate said.

"We can take it down, buy him a new bed." Jack offered.

"Or we could move him into Sam's bedroom." Kate suggested.

"I have to go Kate. I'll be home later this afternoon and we'll figure it out." Jack said, kissing her quickly on the mouth and leaving the room and the conversation so fast she wanted to ask him where the fire was.

He'd been back in their lives for a little over two weeks and in that time he'd spent the majority of his time with patients in one of the many facilities he was spreading himself thin over. He continued to avoid Eli, his behavior toward the child reminding her of his early days with Sam when he was ready to throw in the towel, except he wasn't avoiding Eli because he was afraid of failing as a father, he was avoiding Eli because he truly believed he had failed as a father. She could see the need in Jack's eyes when he would look at Eli along with the torment and it was that look that continued to keep her from getting angry with him and from pushing the issue the way she used to with Sam. She believed that if she pushed him too hard too fast he was in real danger of going over the edge because he was still blaming himself for Sam's death and refusing to feel the grief and anger over the situation.

Jack returned home around 2 PM. The house was quiet so he began making his way from room to room looking for Kate. Eli was asleep in his crib and as he came down the hall he noticed the door to Sam's bedroom was open and froze for a moment before proceeding. He stood in the doorway and looked around, the room hadn't changed since the last time he'd seen it. Kate was standing in the center of the room concentrating hard on something.

"What are you doing?" He asked making her jump.

"Shit Jack! I didn't hear you come in." She gasped and approached him.

"Sorry, I was trying to be quiet, not wake the baby." He said.

"I know this is hard Jack, but we could make this Eli's room, we should make this Eli's room." Kate said.

"No." Jack said flatly, gently tugging her toward him and closing the door.

"Jack." She protested.

"When he wakes up we'll go shopping, buy him his own bedroom furniture. The bedroom he is in is fine." Jack insisted.

"He has a name Jack." Kate said.

"I know that Kate, I helped name him." Jack snapped at her and walked away.

She followed him into their bedroom and watched him strip down to his underwear.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"I didn't sleep much last night. I'm going to take a nap." He said and sat on the bed.

"Want some company?" She asked and sat beside him, rubbing her hand over his thigh.

He clamped his hand over hers and held onto it.

"Sure." He said and smiled at her.

They snuggled up together and slept. He didn't try to initiate sex and neither did she. Reestablishing their sexual connection had come naturally after that first night, his passion for her as intense as it had been before. However, reconnecting and reestablishing intimacy between them outside of the bedroom had become as critical as reestablishing their sexual connection because he was still very disconnected emotionally and she missed him, missed moments like the one they were having now and would find herself crying over how much she missed him as she waited for the shell of what used to be him to come walking through the door.

He heard Eli whimpering and looked down at Kate. She was sleeping soundly and he didn't want to wake her up. She had been patient with him and understanding and he knew he had to be better. He had kept her up most of the night, hungry for her, his need to be intimate with her stronger now than it had been in the past because when he was making love to her everything else disappeared. When he held her in his arms, buried deep inside of her, making her moan and look at him with so much trust and love he could allow himself to drown in the moment and give her what she needed from him. He could feel himself becoming anxious as he listened to Eli and watched her sleep, but shook it off, trying hard to be the man she needed him to be somewhere other than in bed.

"It's just a small child Jack, you can do this." He mumbled to himself and moved off the bed.

He put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and left the bedroom, closing the door behind him. He entered Eli's bedroom just in time to catch him coming over the side of the crib, snatching him up before he fell to the floor.

"Easy there big guy, that's quite a drop head first." Jack chuckled and situated the sleepy toddler on his hip.

"Mommy." Eli whined.

"Mommy is asleep." Jack told him and put a comforting hand on the child's back.

Eli put his head on Jack's shoulder and stuck his thumb in his mouth, eyes sleepily opening and closing as he worked to wake up. The child snuggling up to him felt like a hot piercing knife going right through his heart and Jack could feel his entire upper body stiffen as he struggled with the emotions he worked so hard to keep suppressed. Loving Eli wasn't the problem, he loved his son, but allowing himself to actually feel that meant he had to let himself experience the loss of Sam so he immediately shut down and disconnected.

Small children sense when adults are nervous or uncomfortable and Eli was no exception, no longer finding Jack's arms comforting and becoming upset. He pushed and kicked at him until Jack put him down and then he toddled out the door crying for his mother. Kate opened the door and scooped the little boy into her arms.

"What happened?" She asked.

"He woke up and I wanted to let you sleep, but he didn't really want me." Jack said.

"Yeah, he's kind of cranky after a nap until he wakes up. Thanks for trying though." Kate said and kissed him softly.

"You were right about this crib. I caught him going over the top. I should go in there and take it down. He can just sleep on the mattress until we get him some new furniture." Jack said and walked away.

He was so distant and controlled, especially with Eli. She could tell he was uncomfortable and scared, but she wasn't sure what to do about it except to let him work it out on his own. She took the sleepy boy into the living room and sat on the couch with him until he was awake enough to want down. Jack joined her about 30 minutes later.

"All done?" She asked.

"Yeah, I put the crib in the other spare bedroom and just left the mattress. So, is he awake enough to feel like shopping for furniture?" Jack asked, his tone distant as if he were discussing a patient or somebody else's kid.

"Jack, do you have to keep referring to your son like some stranger you don't care about or want to care about? When was the last time you actually referred to him by his name?" Kate complained, aggravated with him and tired of walking on eggshells anytime they were dealing with Eli.

"I'm sorry Kate. Do you think that young Elijah is feeling chipper enough to endure a trip the furniture store?" Jack asked sarcastically.

"Whatever Jack." She sighed and stood.

He grabbed her wrist and encouraged her to sit back down.

"I'm sorry. I'm trying." He said.

"Are you?" She asked.

"What do you want from me Kate?" He sighed.

"I want you to let him go Jack." Kate said.

"What?" He asked.

"You are never going to be able to love the son that is still here until you allow yourself to accept that Sam is gone and all the pain and sadness that goes with that." Kate told him.

"I know he's gone Kate." Jack snapped.

"Then come to the cemetery with me." Kate

"I don't see the point in hanging out in cemeteries Kate. If you find some comfort in the routine then you should keep doing it, but I don't want anything to do with it." Jack refused.

"Let's just buy new bedding for Eli and use the furniture in Sam's bedroom." Kate continued to push.

"No." Jack said flatly, leaving no room for argument or explanation.

"The furniture in Eli's room is fine for now. He can sleep on the mattress until he gets a little bigger. It's not a big deal Jack." Kate said.

"It is a big deal Kate. He's my son and he shouldn't be sleeping on a mattress on the floor." Jack said.

"Jack, we can't leave that shrine back there forever." Kate insisted.

"It's not……that's not why…….can we please not talk about this anymore." Jack pleaded with her, visibly upset.

"Jack." She said.

"Kate, god would you just………what is the big deal? You were content to leave it untouched for a year and now all of the sudden it's a problem?" Jack said aggravated with what he felt had become nagging on her part.

"Jack, I left everything untouched because I was waiting for you to come home so we could deal with it together. I need you to be in this with me Jack." She said.

"In what?" He asked sadly.

"In this marriage and in this huge responsibility of raising this little boy. He needs his daddy." Kate told him.

"I'm trying Kate. I'm sitting here ready to go shopping to get the child what he needs, but you seem more interested in picking a fight with me." He said, his tone calm, resigned.

She looked at him, so much pain and grief locked down tight and him stubbornly refusing to let himself feel it. He turned his head and looked into her eyes. His eyes were tormented, but sincere and no matter how frustrated she was with him it took little more than that look and seeing how desperately he needed her and her patience to get her to relax and give him the time and the space he needed.

They gathered themselves and went out together as a family for the first time since Jack had come home. He took the responsibility of carrying Eli to the car and strapping him into his seat as well as carrying him through the furniture store, Eli in a good mood and okay with this daddy person as long as mommy was close by. They picked out a toddler bed that matched the wood of the dresser that was already in his room, scheduled it for delivery and left. They stopped for an early dinner that went well, Jack smiling and seeming to enjoy their time together and starting to relax some with Eli, talking to him, feeding him and offering a soft kiss on the child's temple as they walked out of the restaurant together.

It was bedtime and Kate had been looking everywhere for Jack so he could tell Eli goodnight. She found him sitting on the floor in Sam's bedroom, his back against the wall, legs stretched out in front of him and staring at the wood that held the sturdy bunk beds together. She kneeled down with Eli in her arms.

"Say goodnight to Daddy sweetie." Kate said.

"Nite, nite daddy." Eli said and reached out for Jack.

Jack hesitated for the briefest of moments before taking the baby from her. He hugged him close, and kissed the side of his head.

"Nite big guy." Jack said and handed him back to Kate.

Kate returned about 20 minutes later wearing one of Jack's t-shirts and nothing else, apparently ready to retire for the night. He was still sitting in the exact same spot, staring at the bed. She straddled his thighs and sat in his lap facing him. She leaned in and kissed him softly.

"You coming to bed pretty soon?" She asked.

"You were so mad at me the day Sam and I picked this furniture out." He remembered with a light laugh.

"You can be a hard man to love sometimes Jack." She admitted.

"I know. Our relationship has been grossly lopsided in the taking and giving department. I'm probably not worth the battle Kate." He said.

"If you weren't worth it Jack, Eli and I would've moved on without you." She told him.

"Everything is so hard and I know I'm the one that makes it hard and I don't know why I'm the way I am. I just know that it hurts you and I wish I was as good at loving you as you are at loving me." He said regretfully.

"Jack, if you sucked at this as much as you believe you do I wouldn't love you, couldn't love you. The fact that you are here and trying even though every instinct you have is telling you to continue to shut down and just walk away for good, shows me that you are every bit as good at loving me as I am at loving you." She told him and kissed him again.

"See these." He said and rubbed his fingers over the purple crayon marks on the wood.

"What is it?" She asked.

"When Sam picked out this bed I told him he wasn't big enough to be climbing up to the top bunk, much less sleeping up there. So before I agreed to buy the bed for him we decided he had to be at least 48 inches tall before he would be allowed to climb up there. A couple of days after the beds were assembled, Sam came to me with a tape measure and begged me to measure him. This mark here was how tall he was that day and this mark up here represents how tall he needed to be." Jack told her.

"That's sweet. I can see Sam holding you to your word too." She said and smiled.

"He used to make me check. He'd say "Daddy am I getting closer" and would wait eagerly while I put the crayon on his head and checked. This mark was the last time we checked. I put the mark just a little bit higher so he wouldn't get discouraged. He's never going to be tall enough to climb to the top bunk. I can't tuck Eli into bed every night and look at those marks Kate." Jack explained.

"Of course you can't." She agreed and hugged him.

He held her for a long time, rubbing his hand over her back, content to just sit with her and she content to relax in his arms.

"We'll just call one of the local charities and donate this furniture and his clothes and toys. Okay?" He asked.

"Are you sure?" She asked.

"Yes." He said and nudged her so she would sit up and look at him.

He cupped her face and kissed her gently, pulling back and looking into her eyes.

"My instincts aren't telling me to walk away for good. They're telling me that I need to give into everything I feel for you, to trust you to know what to do like I always did before." He told her, eyes honest and sincere.

"I think you should follow your instincts Jack because I may not know what to do, but I will be here to support you and to prop you up and even catch you when you fall just like you have always done for me and we will get through this, I promise." She told him.

He moved his hands down her sides and over her thighs, not in a sexy I want inside your panties way, but in a warm, loving, touching you and holding you makes me believe we actually will get through this sort of way. He slipped his hands up inside her the shirt and pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her deeply. They broke the kiss and she snuggled into his chest, enjoying the warmth and tenderness of his surgically skilled hands caressing the skin on her back.

"Are you working tomorrow?" She asked.

"No, but I need to go check on Hannah. They moved her to the pediatric ICU today." He sighed.

"I'm sorry Jack. Is she going to be okay?" Kate asked.

"I don't know. Her lungs have sustained so much damage, the infection has been lingering on for too long." He told her.

"Rick and Christy invited us over for a cookout. Do you think you might want to go?" She asked.

"Sure, why not." He agreed and slipped his hands down the back of her panties, cupping her butt in his hands and pulling her closer, their mouths reconnecting in a passionate kiss.

She reached between them and worked on the button and zipper of his jeans, while he continued to move his hands over her body underneath the t-shirt content to let her be in the driver's seat, his only desire at the moment to please her in any way he could.

She scooted back some and tugged at the waistband of his jeans. He lifted his hips and allowed her to pull the jeans and his underwear down to his knees before scooting back up and pulling his t-shirt up and off. He reached out and did the same, sending the t-shirt she was wearing across the room and placing his hands on her sides before slowly bringing them around to her stomach and up, cupping her breasts. She moved forward, allowing his hands to slip away as she began kissing her way over his chest and stomach, wrapping her hand around his penis and tugging gently, feeling him respond to her touches, hardening and growing in her hand.

She felt his hand slip inside the back of her panties again, his finger penetrating her from behind slowly pushing in as far as he could reach, her mouth reconnecting with his as they both moaned at the touches of the other.

"I want you inside me." She panted desperately before hungrily attacking his mouth some more.

He pulled the crotch of her panties to the side and encouraged her to connect with him, but she slid back and continued to make a meal of his mouth.

"No, I want you on top, making love to me." She begged.

He carefully and gently moved them, laying her back onto the carpet and taking a moment to look her over before slowly removing her panties and watching her open up for him. He finished removing his jeans and underwear, positioned himself between her legs and buried himself inside her, both of them coming close to screaming at the connection. He looked into her eyes and she into his and they both melted in the moment, their mouths coming together again in a slow, wet passionate kiss as he began to make love to her, his thrusts deep and slow and purposeful and the pace never changing as she came hard, panting and then biting the top of his shoulder. He continued to move within her while she came, the pain of being bitten sweet and encouraging him to make the next orgasm send her so deep into orbit she'd be ready to sleep long and hard once she finally returned to earth and she didn't disappoint him. She screamed so loud he was sure the neighbors heard and as he watched her, his own release spilling out of him, his heart swelling as he allowed himself to feel just how intensely he loved this woman he knew he had to find a way to make everything okay again.

They finally settled, lying on the floor of Sam's bedroom just as they had done on the day that he had bought the bed for Sam, their bodies wrapped around each other, both coming close to sleep, but neither wanting to get up. They knew that it was in this very room that Jack had first acknowledged his feelings for Kate and it was because of Sam that they had grown so close and Sam's breakdown that day is what got her to come back so he could apologize and allow the feelings he had for her to come pouring out. Jack desperately needed to understand why Sam's brief time on this earth had to be filled with so much pain, fear and sadness and Kate knew that, but she also knew that it was an answer Jack was never going to get, but by recapturing a special moment while agreeing to let go of the physical reminders of Sam, he was slowly taking the necessary steps that would eventually allow him to make peace with the situation. She had no doubt that eventually Jack would find a way to not only cherish the memory of the little boy that had come into his life and changed him forever, but to honor it in such a way he'd be able to keep Sam in his heart and move on.

As she held tightly to him, their naked bodies wrapped together tightly, their breathing and heartbeats seemingly in perfect unison she felt a sense of calm and for the first time since Sam's death believed that they really were going to be okay again, never the same as they once were, but okay and perhaps one day better and stronger than they used to be.


	37. Chapter 37

She sat at the kitchen table, sipping coffee, holding Eli and stewing. At some point he'd managed to slip out of the house, spending another night at the hospital or at his office or one of the local ERs, any place that allowed him to avoid making an earnest effort to rebuild his family. She heard the front door open and looked at the clock. It was 9:30 AM. He entered the room, saw her face and walked past her, not in the mood to fight.

"You were supposed to get up with the baby this morning Jack." Kate reminded him.

"Sorry, I'll take the next two mornings." Jack mumbled.

"No you won't, you'll come up with some excuse not to be able to deal with your son when he needs to be cuddled and hugged and loved." Kate accused.

"Kate, that's not……" He tried to defend himself, but was cut off by her.

"That's not what Jack? The truth? Just stop it! Where were you and when did you leave?" She asked.

"I was at St. Sebastian's. Hannah took a bad turn about three o'clock this morning." Jack said.

"Is she okay?" Kate asked.

"No, she died about an hour ago. That's where I was Kate. I told them to call me when it was time because I didn't think an eight year old little girl should have to die alone." Jack told her.

"Jack, why didn't you tell me?" Kate asked.

"Because you're dealing with enough trying to hold this family together." He sighed.

"Was she scared?" Kate asked.

"No, she didn't know what was happening to her, not really. She never should've been that sick Kate, but because nobody gave a damn about her she never got the proper medical treatment and a curable illness ended up dragging on until it finally got so bad it killed her." Jack spat angrily.

She stood, put Eli down and approached him. She put her arms around his neck and kissed him.

"I'm sorry Jack. I know she was kind of special to you." Kate said.

"She was just another kid that society threw away Kate and there are entirely too many of them." He said sadly.

"I'm sorry I misjudged you this morning." She said.

"It's okay, I would've misjudged me too. I should've left a note or something. I'm sor……." He tried to apologize but was cut off by Eli's blood curdling screams coming from the living room.

They both ran toward the screams, finding the baby lying on the floor in front of the fireplace his entire face covered with blood. Jack picked the baby up and began looking for the source of the blood, finding a large, bleeding, gaping wound on his forehead and then holding him close to his chest.

"Kate, get me some towels and hurry." Jack ordered as he tried to comfort the baby.

He could tell he had fallen hard into the bricks on the fireplace, the wound on his head so deep bone was showing. Kate resurfaced and handed him a stack of clean dishtowels. Jack pulled Eli back away from his chest and in the short time it had taken her to retrieve the towels, the injury had soaked the front of Jack's shirt with blood. Jack took one of the towels and applied direct pressure to the wound making Eli cry louder and shake against the pain.

"We need to go the hospital, you're going to have to drive. Are you okay to drive?" He asked seeing that she was starting to fade out on him.

She didn't answer, momentarily paralyzed by fear and helplessness.

"Kate!" Jack said loudly snapping her out of it.

"Yes, yes, I can drive. Let's go." She said.

They drove home in silence, Kate sitting in the backseat holding Eli, the large bandage on his head already showing a fresh blood stain, his small body still groggy and out of it from the sedation they'd given him in order to close the wound. It was after 7 PM and Jack had been a rock through it all, holding Eli the entire time, talking to him, offering as much comfort as the situation would allow without getting in the way, refusing to leave his side and carefully monitoring every injection and every stitch put into his head. It was a gruesome cut that required over 30 sutures inside and out to fully close it, but there was no damage to his skull and no signs of any type of brain injury.

The emergency was over now though and it was starting to sink in. He was starting to feel it and she could tell he was ticking. They entered the house and he watched her put Eli to bed before turning away and toward the living room. He stopped and stared at the blood stained bricks, his palms sweaty, beads of sweat on his forehead, his body shaking.

"Jack, what's wrong?" She asked, the far away look in his eyes and the shaking scaring her.

"I'm……nothing…..it's….I'm going to get something to clean this off the bricks." He mumbled and walked out the back door.

Ten minutes passed and he hadn't come back inside. She stepped out the back door to check on him and that's when she heard the commotion. She ran to the building and pulled on the door, but it was locked. She could hear him inside, could hear him screaming and cussing and breaking things, but couldn't get him to open the door. She ran next door, beating desperately on their back door until Rick opened it.

"Kate what's wrong?" Rick asked.

"It's Jack. He's locked himself in that building and I'm afraid he's going to hurt himself." She said, her tone frantic.

Rick ran back to the house with her, listened to the noises for a moment and tried to get Jack to open the door. When he got no response he began kicking at the door and continued to kick at it until it flew open. The building that at one time held an impressive model train layout was now a mess. Jack was breaking every piece of the model he could get his hands on with his bare hands and they were cut and bloodied and he was showing no signs of stopping, continuing to batter and break and throw, cussing and screaming and wanting to know why his child had to suffer and why he had to die, 18 months of rage and grief coming out of him all at once.

"He's hurting himself Rick." Kate said desperately.

"It's okay Kate, let him go." Rick said.

"No, we have to help him." Kate pleaded with him.

"We are helping him Kate. He needs to let go of this." Rick said.

Jack finally slid down the wall. He was an exhausted, crumpled mess. Kate went to him, kneeling in front of him, trying to take hold of his bloodied hands only to have him push her away.

"Jack you're bleeding, let me take care of you." Kate insisted.

"I want him back Kate." Jack mumbled sadly, tears streaming down his face, his entire body trembling.

"I know you do baby, we all do." Kate said and placed a comforting hand on the side of his face.

"I held Hannah's hand while she took her last breaths. I held Eli and talked to him and promised to protect him and did everything I could to make him feel safe. I didn't do that for Sam. He was so scared and he needed me and I wasn't there Kate and I can't stand it. It hurts so much I feel like I might go crazy if I allow myself to feel it for very long." Jack continued, his voice cracking, his emotions as raw as she'd ever seen from him and while it scared her a little, it broke her heart more.

"Jack he knew how much you loved him. You have to try to hold onto that. I know he was scared, but I also believe that he believed you would do everything you could to come and get him." Kate tried to console him.

"Why did this happen Kate? Why did I get to fall in love with that little boy only to have him taken away? Why did he have to suffer so much and die too soon? Why are there so many children suffering and dying too soon?" He continued to sob.

"If you could do it over Jack, would you rather Sam never came into your life?" Kate asked.

"What?" Jack asked starting to calm down.

"Would you trade the time you had with Sam for peace of mind?" Kate asked.

"No of course not, I just don't understand why I am still here and that sweet little boy isn't? What is the fucking point? How do I make sure Sam mattered Kate?" Jack asked.

"He mattered Jack and I understand what you're struggling with, I do, because I still struggle with the "why" and how unfair it all seems. Maybe Sam had to come into your life so that Eli would have this really wonderful father, so that Hannah wouldn't die alone, so that I would want to enjoy life again and maybe there's more Jack that we just haven't figured out yet." Kate told him.

Rick approached them, having known Jack for many years and the sight of him sitting in a corner completely broken and lost almost more than he could handle, but he also felt a great sense of relief because Jack had finally let go of the anger and the grief and there was no where for him to go but forward now. He moved to the side, grabbed an arm and signaled for Kate to grab the other. Together they helped him to his feet and slowly walked him into house. They stood him in front of the kitchen sink and washed the blood away from his hands, wrapped them in a towel and sat him down at the kitchen table.

"Do you have some antiseptic and gauze?" Rick asked.

"There's a first aid kit in the laundry room." Jack mumbled, watching them take care of him, but feeling like he was standing outside of his body watching it.

Kate brought the first aid to Rick, watching Jack carefully and wondering if he was going to be okay.

"Is he okay Rick?" Kate asked.

"Yeah, he just needs to rest. Would you like to run next door and ask Christy for the bottle of pills I keep on the top shelf in the bathroom?" Rick asked.

Kate slipped out the front door while Rick began the task of bandaging Jack's cut and bruised hands.

"I don't want any drugs Rick." Jack said softly as he watched Rick clean the really deep cuts and then cover them.

"It's just a mild sedative Jack. You just had a pretty significant breakdown, don't you think you're mind has had enough for one day?" Rick asked.

"I'm okay, I just need a beer." Jack argued his mind still feeling somewhat foggy and detached from his body.

"You're not okay Jack, but you made excellent progress this evening and now you need to sleep." Rick said.

Jack was feeling less and less disconnected and finally pulled his hands away from Rick.

"Stop man. They're fine. I'm fine." Jack snapped.

"Welcome back." Rick said with a smile.

"I appreciate what you're doing, but I'm okay." Jack said.

Kate entered the room with the bottle of pills and Christy right behind her. Both women descended upon him, hovering, checking his cuts and hugging on him. Jack immediately became agitated and stood up, backing away from all of them.

"Would everyone please just stop!" He snapped.

"You stop! They're your friends and they care." Kate scolded him.

"I appreciate it, really I do, but please, I just need everyone to stop hovering over me." Jack said.

"Jack this is what I was talking about. You're edgy and you need to try to relax. Take a couple of these and sleep." Rick told him shoving the bottle of pills into his hand.

Jack calmly set the bottle of pills on the breakfast bar and looked at all of them. He approached Christy, hugged her and kissed her on the cheek and then shook Rick's hand.

"Thank you, both of you, for everything. I don't need to sleep, I'm okay. Eli has a pretty significant injury to his head and is going to have a rough night and Kate doesn't need to deal with that alone. I'm sorry about the………whatever that was in the backyard, but I'm fine now." Jack said.

Jack excused himself so he could change the bloody shirt he was wearing. When he returned Rick and Christy were gone and Kate was puttering around the kitchen. He came up behind her and she turned to face him.

"Are you hungry? Want me to make you a sandwich?" Kate asked.

"No, I'm fine. I'm sorry Kate. I didn't mean to scare you. I don't know what happened, I just…….when I was with Eli today.....god I just felt so bad for him and wished I could trade places with him, but I couldn't, all I could do was try to comfort him. I know you don't think I do, but I love him Kate and all I could think of was that I had to protect him and keep him safe and make sure they did everything they could to help him without hurting him." Jack explained his voice starting to crack again.

"I know you love him Jack." Kate interrupted.

"Let me finish. While we were waiting for them to suture his wound, I looked down and he had his thumb in his mouth and a handful of my shirt in the other hand. He was holding onto me, finding comfort in my arms and trusting that I wouldn't let anything bad happen to him and it's so easy Kate, it's so easy to love and comfort a child, but I didn't for the longest time. I wasted so much of the time I had with Sam and when he needed me the most I wasn't there and I don't know how to allow myself to feel that without forgetting to breathe." He said sadly, a single tear slipping down his cheek.

She couldn't contain her own tears. She could relate to what he was feeling or trying hard not to feel, the relentless guilt over what he should've done coupled with the emptiness and sadness of the loss because she'd experienced that when Jeffrey died and then again when Sam died. She'd just chosen a healthier grief path this time than Jack had, because she had to. She had a baby that needed one of his parents to remain sane.

"If you forget to breathe, I'll be here to remind you." She offered, wrapping her arms around his waist and letting him pull her closer.

They stood in the kitchen holding one another and crying and when they felt like they had cried enough they went into the living room and Kate showed Jack the scrapbooks she'd made while he was gone, every moment of Eli's life caught in photographs and pasted onto the pages. When they reached the final scrapbook in the pile, Jack looked at the cover and took a deep breath. He recognized the photo. He and Kate had taken Sam to the beach and had been sitting on the pier allowing Sam to shovel bright blue cotton candy into their mouths. An older woman had noticed the laughter and stopped to watch them, finally offering to take a picture because she felt they were such an adorable family. Kate handed the woman her camera and the large picture that was plastered to the cover of the scrapbook was the snapshot. Sam was in the middle and Jack and Kate were on either side, their heads together and the blue dye from the cotton candy staining all of their mouths as they all smiled for the camera.

"I don't guess I ever saw the picture from that day. It's great." Jack said and laughed lightly.

"I thought it captured how happy we all were and Sam was happy Jack. Even if it was only for a brief amount of time, it was probably the happiest and most secure time in that little boy's life and that matters Jack. I had the picture blown up and framed. I've just been waiting for you to be ready so we could decide where we want to hang it." Kate said.

Jack was quiet as they looked through the photos in the scrapbook titled "SAM", carefully studying each photo and the more he studied the deeper in thought he seemed to be. When they closed the scrapbook she looked up at him. His face was calm and thoughtful, his eyes clear and the gears in his head grinding.

"What?" She finally asked.

"I think I know the perfect place to hang the picture." He said, smiling at her and kissing her.


	38. Chapter 38

**FIVE YEARS LATER**

Jack walked through the facility, his colleague intrigued and impressed. They exited out a back door, crossed a playground where four or five children played happily and walked toward another building, entering though the back door. Jack was instantly greeted by a happy little girl.

"Daddy! I got new hat!" The little girl exclaimed as Jack picked her up as happy to see her as she was to see him.

"It's a very pretty hat. Annie, this is daddy's friend Dr. Weston, can you say hello?" Jack said.

"No!" The girl refused and buried her face in his neck causing the hat to slip off her head, revealing the baldness it was covering.

"We were just leaving." The young woman in nurse's scrubs told him.

"It's fine Donna. Is Kate around?" Jack asked.

"She's at the house waiting for Eli to come home from school. I brought Annie over for her daily finger stick." Donna told him.

"You lost your hat." Jack whispered in Annie's ear.

"Fix it daddy." Annie begged.

Jack set the child down, retrieved the hat, squatted in front of her and situated it on her head.

"Can I have a kiss?" Jack asked.

The little girl kissed him and hugged him.

"You go with Donna and I'll be there in a few minutes." Jack told her and watched her take hold of Donna's hand and exit the facility.

"Great kid. How old?" Dr. Weston asked.

"Annie will be three next month." Jack said.

"Is she why you asked me here?" Dr. Weston asked.

"Let's go into my office and we'll talk about why I asked you here." Jack said.

The two men walked down a hallway and Jack opened the door, allowing his friend to enter first and then followed, closing the door behind them. Jack moved behind his desk and sat down.

"Annie is in remission and doing great. When she was seven months old she arrived in the ER with numerous broken bones and internal injuries. They brought her here and we healed her injuries. I discovered the leukemia during a routine exam. Everybody wants to take a baby in, but finding people to take in a baby with cancer proves to be much more difficult. To make a long story short, Kate and I got attached to Annie before we learned about the cancer and we were ready to expand our family and we knew we could make sure she got the best treatment available so we adopted her. I asked you here Jerry because I want to ensure that all the "Annies" that come through here get the best treatment available." Jack told him.

"I have to admit Jack, this place is impressive. Who would've thought Jack Shephard, one of the best neurologists in the country would end up spending his days running a facility for children nobody seems to want." Jerry Weston said.

"I'm still a neurologist a couple of days a week." Jack said.

Jerry Weston had known Jack from his days at Johns Hopkins and when Jack learned he was in Los Angeles he knew he had to try to recruit him. Jerry's specialty was pediatric oncology, but his vast knowledge of all things pediatric made him extremely valuable to what Jack and Kate were doing.

"What exactly are you offering here Jack?" Jerry asked.

"I'm not offering anything Jerry, I'm appealing to your humanity." Jack said and laughed lightly.

"You mean volunteer? Can I ask you something Jack?" Jerry asked.

"Sure." Jack said.

"What makes one of the leading neurologists in the country, one of the most driven doctors I've ever had the pleasure of working with, put all that aside and devote his life to this?" Jerry asked.

"Personal reasons, but I have to say, other than being a father, it's probably the most fulfilling thing I've ever done. Come on, I'll show you what we have set up in this building. The facility we just toured is where we shelter and provide medical treatment for children who are hard to place because they have a chronic or life-threatening illness and this is where we shelter and provide medical treatment for children that have been injured by their parents or caregivers." Jack said as he led the man out of his office and began giving him a tour of the facility.

"Why separate them?" Jerry asked.

"Because the children suffering from a serious illness require more of a hospital setting as well as a more permanent living situation, which is why it looked so much like a big house with lots of bedrooms. This facility sees a larger and quicker turnaround. We get their physical injuries healed, have volunteer psychologists evaluate them and help place them in a more permanent situation. Well, the actual placing of the children is Kate's thing. Sometimes it turns out that a serious illness is what led to the abandonment or abuse and a child will go from this facility over to the other one." Jack explained.

"This is fulfilling? It sounds like it would be depressing as hell. They look like they need to be in a hospital." Jerry commented as he looked into a room with two beds, a battered child sleeping in each one.

"They were, but they are stable enough to be here now. That's Kevin and Amy. He's 7 and she's 6. Their father caught them being curious about the differences in their bodies, beat them with a wooden paddle, forced them to have sex with each other, got so turned on by it he had to have a turn with each one himself and then he continued to beat them senseless because he was afraid they would tell. They will be here for awhile and the sex act will make them difficult to place. Foster families are leery of children who have been sexually abused, but Kate will come through, she always does." Jack said, smiling as he talked so confidently and proudly about the woman who was still his rock and the one thing in life he loved more than anything else.

Jerry was momentarily stunned into complete muteness. The tales Jack was telling were so grim, yet something Jack had come to grips with, choosing to obsess over the children and making everything okay for them and not wasting any of his energy on obsessing over the monsters who had hurt them. Jerry had no idea that these facilities were cathartic for both Jack and the woman he spoke so highly of, but had not had the pleasure of meeting yet.

Jack led them to a large open room that contained televisions, games, toys, books, computers, ect. It led to the lobby where the main wall contained two large portraits. Jerry stopped and studied the photos. One was of Jack and he assumed Kate with a small boy in-between them, their faces stained with a blue substance. The other was of the woman, Kate with a young boy, a baby really, cuddled close together and smiling. The subjects in both pictures seemed so happy that anyone looking at them couldn't help but smile and Jerry was no exception.

"You've got quite a family Jack, which is also something I never would've believed. How many children do you and Kate have?" Jerry asked.

"Four. That's Sam there with the cotton candy all over his face and that's Jeffrey. You met Annie and we also have another son Eli, he's seven." Jack said.

"So what exactly is it you need from me Jack?" Jerry asked.

"Kate and I built this facility from the ground up and we keep it going with our own money as well as private donations. With the exception of the nurses that are here around the clock and the two administrative assistants that keep everything organized for us, everyone on staff here is a volunteer. You've seen how sick and/or battered some of these children are Jerry, so whatever time you have would be greatly appreciated." Jack told him.

"Telling you no after seeing all of this would make me some kind of hell-bound prick wouldn't it?" Jerry teased.

"Great, come on let's walk over to the house. You can meet Kate and we can discuss the details." Jack said as he and the man exited out the front door of the facility. The moment Jack stepped outside a woman called out to him.

"Excuse me, I'll be right back." Jack said and walked across the grass toward the other facility.

Jerry stepped back and took in the view from the front of the facility. The small complex that had become Jack Shephard's life was very impressive and he shook as his head as he remembered the all business, nothing in life is more important than medicine workaholic he remembered from Johns Hopkins and then something caught his eye. It was the granite marker that stood in front of the fountain in the courtyard between the two facilities. He walked toward the fountain, the fountain of child-like statues that appeared to be happily playing in the water and he stopped and read the granite marker, his heart suddenly going to his throat.

_**J&S KIDS HAVEN**_

_Easing the suffering of the innocent in loving memory of Jeffrey and Sam_

_whose innocence and lives were taken too soon_

Jerry never heard Jack come up beside him, still studying the granite marker.

"Kate had that fountain designed." Jack said.

"Jack, I…." Jerry stammered, not sure what to say.

"Come on, I'll introduce you to the rest of my family." Jack said.

Jerry had barely had a chance to sit down and speak a few words to Kate before Eli came into the room, excited, ready and expecting all of his father's attention. He was a good looking boy, dark brown hair, green eyes and tall for seven.

"Daddy I got all my spelling words right!" Eli exclaimed excitedly and handed the paper to Jack.

"That's great son, I knew you could do it." Jack said, placing a comforting hand on the child's back before sitting down.

"You have to get up! You promised if I got them all right we could go get some new cars!" Eli insisted.

"We will Eli, but we have a guest at the moment. Can you say hello to Dr. Weston?" Jack encouraged.

Eli approached the man, shook his hand and politely said, "Nice to meet you sir."

"Nice to me you Eli, you can call me Jerry." He said.

"Can we go now dad?" Eli begged with a hint of a whine.

"Eli." Jack said in the tone that the boy recognized as stop nagging now or you're going to be in trouble.

"Those must be some cars." Jerry chuckled.

"We builded a whole city, do you want to see?" Eli asked the man excitedly.

"Sure." Jerry said.

"You don't have to. Eli, let daddy finish his meeting and we'll go." Jack strongly suggested.

"It's fine Jack. Let's go see what has this child so excited and we can finish our negotiations while we do that." Jerry offered.

"Fine. Let's go see the cars Eli." Jack relented with a light laugh, a sucker and complete pushover when it came to anything his kids wanted.

"I go too!" Annie demanded and reached up for Jack, who quickly picked her up and put her on his hip.

"No Annie, it's just for us guys!" Eli protested.

"She can come too son." Jack told him.

"Mommy, make Annie stay here." Eli begged.

"Come on Annie, let's me and you go find girl stuff to do." Kate said and tried to take the little girl from Jack.

"No! I want daddy!" Annie screamed.

Jerry watched the scene, the two children vying for their father's attention and the man, who was not the same man he'd know years ago, patiently trying to find a way to appease both of them and he smiled, ready and eager to be a part of what Jack and his wife were accomplishing with their haven for abused, neglected and abandoned children.

"I'm sorry Jerry, they're usually not this clingy. I've been working a lot the last few days and they haven't seen me." Jack apologized and tried to peel the toddler off of him.

"Let her come dad, she's just gonna cry if you don't." Eli huffed, trying to act like his baby sister bothered him even though he was fiercely protective of her and usually the first to notice when she wasn't feeling well.

"Can I come too?" Kate asked.

"Yes, but when we go buy the new cars it can only be daddy. NO girls allowed." Eli told her, making Kate bite back the grin that was surfacing, the relationship between Jack and Eli as beautiful as she'd always known it would be.

They followed Eli down a long hallway to a large room that contained nothing but a model of a city that existed nowhere but in the minds of Jack and Eli. It was an impressive work in progress and apparently finding unique hot wheels and micro versions of vehicles to fill the streets, garages, driveways, parking lots, etc. of their city was part of the hobby.

"You built this?" Jerry asked the boy.

"Yup, me and my dad. He's a better painter than me though." Eli said.

"I've got two kids Jack and I can barely find time to read them a bedtime story, how do you manage to find the time for something like this?" Jerry asked.

"It's not easy, like I said, I haven't seen my kids in probably three days. This is something I started with Eli when he was about three years old. He's got asthma and it's great for keeping him indoors and quiet when he's struggling with that and it's time just he and I can spend together." Jack said.

"So, I'm assuming this facility is a 24/7 operation, that you can use my help just about any time?" Jerry asked.

"That would be a correct assumption." Jack said and smiled, knowing he'd just reeled another one in and knowing that his friend would soon realize he would never be the same after dealing with these kids.


	39. Chapter 39

He entered their bedroom and noticed the doors leading to the balcony were open. He stepped outside and found her curled up on the lounge chair in her t-shirt and panties, gazing up at the stars and enjoying the gentle night breeze. She noticed him watching her and motioned for him to join her. He finally managed to get stretched out with most of her stretched out over him, being curled up next him with her head on his chest still her favorite place to be.

"Is Annie asleep?" Kate asked.

"Yes and it only took one round of the Homeless Little Puppy to lull her to sleep tonight." Jack said.

"She didn't get a nap today so I'm surprised she lasted as long as she did." Kate said.

"That explains why I've been wearing her like a second skin all evening." Jack laughed.

"She misses you when you're not around and so do I. Now that she's asleep, I plan on latching onto you for the rest of the night." Kate said and moved her hand over his belly and chest.

"I'm sorry. Hopefully the doctors I've managed to recruit in the last couple of weeks will take some of the load off so I can get caught up at the hospital." Jack said and yawned.

"We have plenty of money Jack, you don't have to stay at the hospital." Kate said.

"I do Kate. I have to keep my fingers in that world, otherwise we lose too many helpful connections. It'll settle down. Trust me." Jack said.

"Do you still want to expand our little family?" Kate asked.

"Why?" Jack asked.

"Robert called today. He's got a baby for us, or will. The girl is due to deliver within the next couple of weeks. I know the timing isn't great Jack, but we've been waiting for four years and….." Kate explained, cut off by him rolling her onto her back and kissing her.

"So are we getting another son or another daughter?" Jack asked.

"Both." Kate answered with a smile and then cringed slightly.

"Seriously? Twins?" Jack asked.

"If we're interested in having twins then yes Jack they can be ours. The girl doesn't want the babies separated and given to two families and she picked us as her first choice for the family she wanted them to go to. What do you think? Are two babies too much?" Kate asked.

"I don't know Kate, are two babies too much? You shoulder the majority of the parenting responsibilities, can you handle two infants on top of everything else? Would we maybe need to consider some part-time help with the kids?" Jack asked.

"I think we maybe need to consider bringing in someone to take over the majority of the time and paperwork involved in placing these children. I would still be involved, just not in such a time consuming manner." Kate said.

"Sure, if that's what you want to do." Jack said.

"Do you think it's selfish Jack?" Kate asked.

"Why would I think it's selfish?" Jack asked.

"Because I wouldn't be spending as much time working with the Kids Haven." Kate said.

"Kate, we didn't build this so it would be the only thing in our lives that matters. We built it because we wanted to do something to improve our little corner of the world and I think we have, don't you?" Jack asked.

"Jack, we both know that you pour your heart and soul into this place out of love for Sam. What does my wanting to step back some and raise more children say about my love for Jeffrey and for Sam?" Kate asked, her tone sad, her conscious struggling with the decision.

"Kate, it doesn't say anything. You're right. When we agreed to build this place, it was my way of coping with what happened to Sam, my way of finding some sense in the senseless, but it's not why I'm so dedicated to it Kate. It's part of the reason obviously and always will be, but I love it Kate, if there was a reason why I was supposed to become a doctor this is it. You told me once that some day I might understand why Sam had to come into my life. This is why Kate. Sam had to wake me up and get me pointed in the right direction." Jack said.

"Shouldn't I feel the same way Jack?" Kate asked.

"Kate, you will still be helping to make sure these children are taken care of. Just because you have finally decided to delegate some of the leg-work doesn't mean you're being selfish, it means you're finally letting go of the guilt you've been hanging onto for far too long and allowing yourself the things the little girl used to dream about, the happy ending that I promised you'd have." Jack reasoned with her.

"What about you? You don't deserve a happy ending?" Kate asked.

"I've got my happy ending Kate. I've got it all and I'm happy. I could spend every waking hour taking care of those children, but I don't because I love my children and want to play with them and I love my wife and like to play with her too." He teased and slipped his hand inside her t-shirt.

**********************************

The chill of the champagne being poured over the center of her chest couldn't hope to cool her body, his hot tongue immediately sucking and licking away the bubbly substance only increasing the fire that was burning hot in both of them. She ran her hands through his hair and gripped his shoulders, his stomach and chest touching hers, the heat radiating off of him making her sweat as he plunged his tongue into her mouth, the sweet taste of the expensive champagne attacking her taste buds, taking her out of the moment briefly as her mind drifted back to the day, the most perfect day, the day she'd planned and dreamed of as a child, the day that he finally convinced her to let him give to her.

The day was perfect, sunny and warm, but not hot, the outdoor wedding and the party that followed exactly as the little girl had pictured many years ago. Her brother, instead of her father walked her down the aisle and her son and daughter carried the rings and the flowers, but every flower, every dress and every tuxedo were the dreams of a little girl brought to life in perfect fairy tale fashion. Her prince, looking as handsome as the day she'd met him, was waiting for her, smiling and in awe of her beauty as she walked toward him. Their one time neighbors and to this day closest friends either would ever have, stood up for them. They held hands and they looked into each other's eyes and they repeated the traditional vows, feeling them and meaning them, the love they shared still as strong or perhaps even stronger than it had ever been, their eyes filled with tears as they both promised to love and to cherish and to forsake all others. When he kissed his bride he kissed her deeply and passionately, holding her close and promising her the world with his heartfelt kiss.

The party that followed looked as though it came straight out of a fairy tale. Everyone dressed in expensive formal attire, the large covered pavilion complete with a dance floor filled with everyone that touched their lives and continued to do so. Her brothers and their wives and their children were all there, a family gathering that was rare and one that Jack worked hard to make happen in order to completely fulfill the dream that the woman pretended was just the fantasy of a starry-eyed child, but what he knew meant the world to her. The newest members of the Shephard flock , Sophie and Joel, only nine months old, but part of the celebration, being passed around and enjoyed by everyone in attendance.

When it was time to toast the bride and groom, Rick spoke of the couple and of their past heartaches and of the difference they were making and how privileged he felt to be allowed to be a part of it. He spoke of the future as the group of young children currently residing in their Kids Haven who were well enough to join the festivities approached the couple, hugging them and thanking them for caring. Kate smiled as she recalled that last part, knowing that when she was a little girl her fairy tale wedding never included a group of abused and abandoned children. However, considering where she'd come from and how she'd come to live with the man she called Daddy and where Jack had come from and how he would've given anything to live with the man he called dad, it was inevitable that they would meet and spend their lives listening to and answering the cries that society had tuned out.

"Kate." He said, in a breathy and somewhat amused tone, bringing her back to the moment, to her prince, to the feel of more champagne being dribbled over her body.

"Where'd you go?" He chuckled and began licking the champagne off of her again.

"I was just remembering my perfect day one more time before I completely give into to this perfect wedding night." She sighed and then giggled as he dribbled more of the champagne over her.

She felt him slow down, the movements of his mouth more purposeful, his body hot and turned on and just intoxicated enough to make things last just a little bit longer. She felt him slip inside of her, hard and ready, needing to reach just a little deeper and she pulled her legs back, allowing him slip in further. He held them there for a moment, letting her feel all of him while he enjoyed feeling all of her and then they made love. It was soft and gentle as well as wildly out of control at times and it was good because they were good at this, regardless of what was happening in their lives and in their relationship, they made a point to make sure they never forgot how to love each other and how to express that physically.

They lay on their backs, their sweat and champagne covered bodies cooling and drying. She moved over, half on top of him and half on the mattress, her forearms resting over his chest as she looked at him.

"Thank you Prince Jack, it was more than I ever dreamed possible." She said.

"I'm not a prince Kate. If anyone knows that, you do." He said and moved his hand lightly over her back.

"Well, I'm hardly princess material either, but today we were a prince and a princess and that's okay, because we deserved this day, not just me Jack, both of us. I'll never forget the way you were looking at me when I was walking down that aisle." She said.

"I'll never forget how you looked walking toward me." He said and she kissed him.

"Being your wife for the last 8 years has been the best 8 years of my life Jack and I think after tomorrow it's only going to be about going forward so will you come with me?" She asked.

"Kate, I haven't been back there since the day we buried them. I don't see the point." Jack sighed.

"There is no point Jack, but you're my husband and I need you to be by my side when I finally let go of him, of both him and Jeffrey. I don't need to hold onto them anymore. You and the kids are more than I could've ever dreamed of having in my life." Kate said.

"I didn't….I mean, I thought….Kate, why haven't you ever talked to me about this until now? I would've.." Jack struggled for the right words.

"Jack, we've both been making peace with the tragedies we've faced in our own ways, but we've also loved each other, built a nice family and life together and of course the Haven. How many people are actually lucky enough to get to spend their lives helping those who are too weak and small to help themselves?" She said.

"I don't understand Kate. Why now? What's changed?" He asked.

"Nothing has changed Jack, but years ago, you promised me things that made me adore you more than I already did, but never expected to materialize and look at us, we have it all Jack and life is for the living." Kate said.

"Okay." He agreed, rolling her onto her back and kissing her deeply.

She'd waited in the car for 15 minutes for him to resurface from the house. He'd forgotten something and didn't seem to be receptive to answering questions about what it was he was looking for. They drove to the cemetery in silence, her obsessing over the idea that it would be her final visit and him obsessing over the fact that he'd never even seen the markers that had been set in place months after the service and wondering what it would be like to see his father's and Sam's names carved into granite. They parked the car, held hands and walked toward the graves together, him holding the bag that contained whatever it was he'd been searching for before they left. Jack stared at the headstone, his little boy's name carved into it, his father's name right beside it. The memories of that awful day flashed through his mind briefly and he shook it off, refusing to go there again. He felt Kate's grip tighten on his hand and turned to look at her.

"You okay?" He asked.

"I would come out here every Saturday and I don't know why Jack, but it helped me find some peace not only with the tragedy, but with what had happened to Jeffrey as well. I used to sit here and tell Sam all about him and encourage the two of them to find each other. You probably think that's stupid, but sometimes you need to believe in something, anything, to keep from going crazy." Kate said.

"I don't think it's stupid." He said and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close.

"I used to talk to your dad about you when you were gone and ask him to help you find your way home. After you came back I'd tell him about you, how you were doing and about his grandchildren. Again, stupid I know, but it was comforting." She admitted.

"As stupid as holding onto this?" Jack asked and pulled the train car out of the bag he was carrying.

It was the car for the train they'd gotten Sam for Easter, still in the box. It was what had sent him into a rage the day he destroyed the model they'd been building together. He saw the car sitting on the table where the model was still a work in progress, saw that it was still in the box, that Sam never got a chance to hook it up and he went crazy, letting go of 18 months of grief and destroying all evidence that the model train had existed, everything except the one car.

She didn't say anything. She turned, wrapped her arms around his neck and they hugged each other for a long time. They finally separated, rejoined hands and walked toward Sam's headstone together. Jack opened the box and took out the car. They squatted down together and Jack set the toy on the lip of the headstone and placed his hand on top of the headstone.

"There you go buddy, where ever you are, now your model train is complete." Jack choked the words out, the unbearable sadness over losing him manageable, but something that would always hurt very deeply when brought to mind.

They stood again and hugged again and kissed each other softly, him wiping her tears away and her wiping his away.

"Oh god, he wanted that train so badly. I don't think I can do this Jack." She said and began crying again.

"He is at peace Kate and it's time for us to be at peace as well. We have four beautiful children at home and we have the Haven to remind us every single day that Jeffrey and Sam mattered. You can let go now. They know you loved them." Jack told her, holding her close and rubbing his hands over her back.

She finally pulled away from him and nodded. They walked to the car and retrieved the two helium balloons they'd brought with them, one with the name Jeffrey on it and one with the name Sam on it. They looked at each other, one hand holding a balloon tightly the other hand clutching the hand of the person they loved, trusted and leaned on more than anyone else. They took a deep breath, held their hands together tightly, nodded and simultaneously let go of the balloons. They sat on the grass, their backs leaning against the back of the headstone, his arm around her and her head on his shoulder and they watched the balloons silently float away.

THE END


End file.
